A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys. I am hoping somebody can help me. I am at the end of my rope.My wife has been having an emotional affair with a married man whose children go to the same school as ours. It has been going on for a year and she is very deeply involved.It has come to the point where she is no longer intimate with me, no longer wanting to share details of her day with me. She has a secret email account. She keeps saying how unhappy she is in the marriage and how she wants to leave. I am a good guy. I am a good father to our children. A good husband. We have been together for almost 20 years and she is the love of my life. I have tried to suggest counselling, date nights, everything you could imagine. But she refuses and does not want to work on it.Right now she has the spark in the other man that is missing in our marriage. It is easy when he is not paying the bills and sharing the everyday struggles with her that go hand in hand with marriage. He is an escape and a fantasy. How can I compete with a fantasy? I am cold hard reality and he is her knight in shining armour. She is infatuated with him; he is shiny, new and exciting and I feel like an old, discarded shoe.She is getting in deeper with each passing day. She is becoming more and more disconnected with me. We have fights about it everyday. I am bitter and do not trust her. She has told me about him because it was just too difficult for her to hide it anymore. And she promised to cut all contact and try to work on us. She has failed on numerous occasions. Everytime she sees him, she practically runs into his arms. She cannot stop herself.I am afraid of the school year starting again because she will be seeing him everyday and they will be picking up where they left off. She swears nothing physical has happened but I think it is just a matter of time. Why doesn't this guy leave my wife alone? Why do they have to even be friends when it is clear they are attracted to each other like magnets? I am afraid they have said and done things they have kept secret from their spouses. This is like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode and I have a ring side seat and am completely helpless to stop it. This has eaten away at me. I can't eat or sleep. I am a mess.Please help me. I don't know what else to do. I am really afraid of losing my wife and our family being torn apart...She is dancing with the devil and I can't stop her!!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2011): your wife has already left your marriage in mind and spirit, so what's left is an empty shell on the outside. The question is, do you want to keep this shell going, or make the divorce official and out in the open. I suggest you initiate a separation immediately so you can start to move forward with your life. No amount of foot stomping is going to undo what's already done so best for you to accept reality and move on with your own life ASAP.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2011): I hate to be the devils advocate but when people have emotional affairs it's usually because they were already very disastisfied with their marriages for a long time. And this means that you played a part in the deterioration of your marriage. That's not to say that it's right for your wife to have an affair, it's not. But if she was vulnerable and open to falling in love with someone else it means she was ALREADY not invested in your marriage. An affair says more about the marriage up til then, than about the person having the affair. You need to take responsibility for any part you played in the demise of your own marriage up until the affair started (after she started having an affair then she is responsible for further deterioration of the marriage).
Now it's a bit late to try to save your marriage, the time to do that would have been before she started having an affair, when she was already becoming disenfranchised with you or the marriage. fighting about it now certainly just drives her further away from you because it's absurd to try to force someone to want you instead any fighting now is just based on territorial feelings and ego-protection. I'm afraid there's nothing you can do to control her heart or her actions. The other guy may be fluff but that's beside the point, the point is that your wife has emotionally divorced herself from you a long time ago already.
I suggest you make some hard choices for your own life. If she doesn't want to stop seeing the other man, you have to accept that no amount of fighting with her is going to make her like you more and like him less, so you should probably decide if you can live in this marriage knowing she's cheating on you or wishing she was with someone else even if she isn't, or if it's better to divorce and focus on transitioning to being ex-spouses and starting a new life without her.
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A
female
reader, amenthyst3356  +, writes (17 August 2011):
Definitely get as much proof as possible or if she is ejected from the house she will play the victim. She is no longer in the marriage. She has no respect for you, you need to start moving on with your life.
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A
female
reader, cinc71 +, writes (17 August 2011):
 I'm so sorry for you! Unfortunetaly, love have to go both ways and she seems to have choosen to go elsewhere. You want someone who wants to be with you, you deserve more. It sadly happens everyday that family seperates, it's better to be happy alone then miserable together. Hang on tight and i'm wishing you the best. You can send me a message if you want.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 August 2011):
 OUCHIES. an emotional affair in my book is ten times worse than a physical affair.
the fact that she's open about it and not stopping it when you've asked her to stop tells you a lot. it's how my last marriage ended. my husband wanted me to stop and I could not...
if she won't stop perhaps you need to consider a separation. perhaps that will wake her up to what she's about to lose.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): I am sorry you are in a very rough situation. In all honesty, it looks like your wife has checked out of your marriage, though. Why would you want to be her leftovers when she is clearly interested in this guy as the main dish?
I know it's hard because you have a life together and a long history as a couple and there are children involved. But realistically, how much longer can you take this? You are going to lose all your self respect and self esteem. Your wife wants to have her cake and eat it, too. She likes the excitement, attention and the rush this guy gives her and she likes the stability and security of your marriage. She wants to have both. But can you live this way? By your post and by your own admission that you are a mess, can't sleep or eat, this is killing you. Why put yourself through this anymore? Nobody deserves this kind of treatment, especially a loving, faithful husband like you.
You need to give her an ultimatum. I know that they can sometimes backfire but you need to do this for your own peace of mind. You can't live your life in limbo any longer. And your family deserves better. You have to get this resolved one way or another. It is either him or you. There are no two ways about it. She has to decide what she wants. It is unfair to everyone involved, including his family, that these two are carrying on this way.
I think she needs to have a good look at reality. Will this guy step up to the plate if your marriage ends? Is he really serious about her? Or is she just a side dish for him as well? Maybe she needs to find all that out. And if he is not willing to committ to her, then she will realize quickly that this guy is not who she thought he was and will come back to her senses. Maybe then will this fantasy end and she will focus on working on your marriage. But you are going to have to play the heavy and call her on it. This is the only way she is going to wake up. If it happens to go the other way, then not much you can do. They will be together or maybe your marriage is beyond repair even with this guy out of the picture. But at least you will have a resolution to this mess. Good luck to you!!!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (17 August 2011):
 I agree with what the other aunts have said...you have already lost her, it is time to act.
I would gather whatever evidence you can of the affair, then I would actually put her out of the house and definitely let the partner of her lover know.
There is nothing written that you have to accept or take how she is treating you. The marriage is over, she has cheated with no regard for you or her children, it is time she was ejected from her comfy safe seat in your house and made to face the reality of cheating.
You have done nothing wrong, your children have done nothing wrong. You will only begin to rebuild your life when you have taken control and accepted that things are different now.
Be organised. get a good divorce lawyer and serve her papers. If she comes back begging for mercy then you can evaluate if you even want to give her another chance but all the time you do nothing, she will continue to walk all over you, disrespect you and drive you further into misery.
Please let us know how it goes.
Be strong...this could be your finest hour.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): Dear OP
This is awful for you and my heart goes out to you. However, your wife has already left your marriage.
What you need to do now is focus on you and the children. You need to ask your wife to leave - as she is the one who no longer wishes to be part of the existing family unit - and get a lawyer.
Why? Because you deserve some respect and you are letting your wife treat you with total disdain. That's not love. You don't deserve that and your children do not deserve to see you treated this way.
Your wife needs to see the other side of the fence and what life will be like without you. Without seeing the kids day in and day out. Will this chap suddenly take her in and look after her etc? Maybe you both need to find this out. Maybe she'll realise what she has got at home and come to her senses and you may be able to work on this and save the marriage. Maybe she won't.
Personally, even if she came back, I don't think the marriage will last. Better that the kids have two parents not tearing each other apart but separate, than continue as things are.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 August 2011):
 Unfortunately, you can't stop her. She's already told you that she wants out of your marriage, so let her out. In fact, tell her she has to move out, because you won't stand for someone else in her life. She is cheating on you.
You have to let her go, or you will never heal. I know you're going through pain now, but there isn't anything you can do about it. What you CAN do, however, is not let her exist with you AND have a fantasy relationship with someone else. You cannot be so desparate to let her carry on with the guy and just take it.
Make it come to a head. Require her to move out, or YOU move out. I'm guessing that when she comes face to face with reality, she'll come to her senses and wonder what she's done, especially since the other guy is also married.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): you've already lost her, you're just in denial.
You HAVE TO get to her a marriage counselor for the two of you. If she reuses to end the contact with the other man and if she refuses to do anything to save the marriage then it is over. If you want to try and save it you have to find a way to get her to do these things. If not, then the marriage is over and you are best to move on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): "Why doesn't this guy leave my wife alone?"
Because she is wanting him and boosting his ego and making him feel the reverse of how she is making you feel.
She more likely than not has gone beyond simple emotional affair if this has gone on for this long.
You can't stop her. That is certain.
What can you do?
You can wait, most affairs burn themselves out when the other partner finds out. But you don't wait silently and with your hands in your pockets doing nothing.
You can realize that you will have to deal with a lot of shit emotionally when this happens.
If you want to save your marriage, and your family, then go to counseling without her, schedule an appointment, for both of you, and go either with or without her. Tell her that, and that you are going one way or the other, and she can make her own choices. You may not be able to save the marriage, but you can save the kids from as much trauma as possible...but not all of it.
Also, call his wife, and ask her directly if her husband is having a sexual affair with your wife. Don't beat around the bush, let her know the full extent of what you know. She may or may not know, but it will force the affair out into the open, and with the death of secrecy, the affair usually dies as well.
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