A
male
age
41-50,
*hades of blue
writes:I do not have a direct question, I just want some love from the dear cupid community.My wife of 12 years has plans to sleep with an old boyfriend tomorrow. She is in another state visiting her mother. While there, she met up with this guy. They flirted, she kissed him, and now they will meet tomorrow.This all started with me, when I read a question from here about a woman whose husband told her he wanted her to sleep with other men. I was very intrigued and honestly liked the idea (or so I thought).We talked about the idea and she became very offended. I have been her only partner. I guess time changed her mind. Well, that and a guy she met online who she started exploring with. She has not met him, but they talk very explicit to each other.She doesn't even seem like the same girl I married. I am telling her to go for it and that I support her. She is telling me what is going on as it happens and even forwarding their texts.But, honestly this is hard. I hope this some how helps her or find out who she is. She has never been sexual and it amazes me what she is doing. My hope is that once this is over, she brings something back to our marriage.Can any one relate? Does any one have some kind words for a guy sitting by himself feeling a bit lost and insecure?
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flirt, insecure, met online, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, InterCntlCHmp  +, writes (30 March 2009):
You opened pandora's box with your wife whom has only had one sexual partner. Your crazy brother. Totally crazy. No going back now. Start looking into divorce lawyers.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): What??? Don't you have a jealous bone in your body? I don't understand why you would let this happen. This just doesn't seem like a real marriage to me. There are plenty of ways to spice up your sex life, why choose something that will change your marriage(vows) forever? One thing I always valued was I would be the only woman that 'gets' to touch my husband, and he- the only man to touch me. It's like you say, this has got you 2 to 'talk', but this is extreme. Well we all make mistakes, and I'm sorry it's went this far, but if you're regretting this, I think you should tell her. Then at least you know, you made an attempt to undo the damage.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (29 March 2009):
 I was reading your previous question http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-husband-told-me-to-sleep-with-another.html and it was interesting to see how things have evolved. From your "light" discussion on taking the fantasy out into real life ... to facing the real life situation stemming from that discussion.
I am just wondering, if I were in her shoes now. As a woman, if I liked what I got on the outside, I might want to experience it again - outside the marriage. But, if I didn't like the new experience, then I would say it was a bad idea anyhow and would never do it again. And if I were in your shoes, I'd probably always have lingering thoughts for years to come, whether or not my wife would bring up the idea again [for another new experience outside]. If you two were mutually consenting before, you will be in a difficult to say "No" to her this time.
If she decided to go ahead this time, ultimately it is her decision as an individual. However, she and you are bound by a "contract" in this institution called marriage, so her decision also affects your relationship.
The only action I envisaged to be feasible at this stage, is for both of you to "renew your vows". This time, write new promises and commitment to each other. Write it down in nice calligraphy, frame them (yes, each one of yours) and put them somewhere discreet but easily accessible to remind both yourselves of your commitment to each other.
Hope that helps.
Cat
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A
male
reader, shades of blue +, writes (29 March 2009):
shades of blue is verified as being by the original poster of the question Wow, what happened to "kind words"?
Thanks Old Guy. I wasn't looking for a lecture, but empathy. You gave it.
My marriage got into trouble well before this. The idea of her and someone else has actually brought us closer because it opened up some very real dialog.
We have already gone threw some counseling.
I might loose her yet, but for now it is working.
I was just sitting at home by myself with her on my mind. I thought I would reach out!
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A
female
reader, LIERIN +, writes (29 March 2009):
 are you mad??/ stop her now!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009): My friends had a similar arrangement and it ended in a total disaster. It should only stay a fantasy since in real life there is the mess to clean up aferwards. If she falls for this guy then you will have a lot of regret. A wife is like a mans crown jewels and I am amazed that you gave her away. I agree with the others, call her now before its too late.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009): Don't be crazy - call her straight away, tell her that you love her, that you cherish the fact that she is yours and only yours, that you were wrong in what you suggested (she's probably still hurting about that), and that she should come home to her husband. I'm sure she's longing for you to do that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009): Oh wow. If there was ever a case of "be careful what you wish for ..."
I've never been in your shoes, but I've certainly read lots about it, and everything I've read says you are 100% typical. Sounds like a great idea at first, a complete turn on, and the closer it gets to happening, the more the second thoughts and the more the insecurity.
All I can say is that if you went into this with a strong marriage, if you were both on the same page, then there's a reasonable chance that you'll get what you wanted out of it -- a more sexual wife and new spice in your relationship.
Good luck!
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