A
male
age
51-59,
*stonv12
writes:I'm a married man with a beautiful wife, a gorgeous 3 year old son and a baby on the way, I've got a great job and a lovely house, but I'm desperately in love with a woman at work.We've always been very friendly and flirty, and after 5 years I finally plucked up the courage last week to tell her how I felt. When I told her, all her excuses were about work and how people might talk, never once did she say she didn't feel the same.She said I it's just lust, but I know lust and can deal with that, but I have never felt this way about anyone else. She's married as well and to make matters worse she might be leaving work.I feel so alone right now. I can't talk to anyone about this and I can't stop thinking of her. My head knows I should forget about her, but I can't. I'm a 36 yr old intelligent man, but why can't I stop thinking about her..?
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female
reader, lioness012 +, writes (9 March 2008):
as a woman i've got to tell you i dont think shes as interested as you. i say this because she told you its just lust meaning if anything was to happen it would probably only be sex nothing more. you obviously feel something for this woman but not everything we want we can get and not everything we want is necesarily good for us.the feeling that your feeling doesnt seem to be mutual. your obviously not completely happy with this what seems to be a perfect life. talk to your wife try nd arrange to do some of the things you did when you first fell in love. try and remember the reasons you fell in love with he. if i was your wife and knew you felt like this i would be deeply hurt let alone if i knew you were to act on these feelings. marraige is for life and you agreed to that when you first got married. risking your relationship for some woman who to me isnt that interested seems very silly. youre not the one involved in all this.
A
male
reader, emad khan  +, writes (6 March 2008):
 the problem is your an obsessive romantic. Things are fine with your wife, probably, but they don't offer you the romantic zest, which gives your life meaning. Ultimately, what could happen here, is you lose your wife, and then the tables get switched- pretty soon you'll be running after your wife while she's inlove with another guy. OK thats the worst case scenerio. Here is what you have to do. Get some control over yourself- and your crazy way of thinking.
Control of the senses is really important. If you allow yourself to follow every whim and fancy of your mind- where do you think that will take you.? Ultimately to ruin. So here is some advice you should follow. Make your relationship with your wife GREAT. Find that Romance, that you imagine with this other women-
with that beautiful woman you married. Otherwise you risk losing her.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, VincentMancini +, writes (6 March 2008):
 Depends on how your relationship is with your wife, maybe you see things in this woman that your wife is missing. Don't try anything...you have kids, a split could ruin their lives.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (6 March 2008):
 Hey maybe you just needed people that are detached from your life, reminding you what you have. Because your original question included some nice things about your wife and family. Kinda got the feeling you just needed that confirming.
Glad you're going to stay strong. Shows you're one of the good guys! And good guys dont finish last like many say. They end up with the best people!
C xxxxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): ......... regarding all the stuff this lady said - she is absolutely right! in the workplace, she, as the woman, will get the reputation for someone who flirts with married men - workplaces as you know, can be hotbeds of gossip and insecurities and all sorts - sometimes at my workplace i look on in astonishment at grown up, supposedly intelligent people and am actually staggered at the way they behave - your colleague sounds sensible and risk averse - she has done you a favour (female anon) - btw, when i was having problems with my partner recently i was tempted to flirt with a man at work whom i do fancy (& i think he fancies me) but i was advised not to do it for two reasons i) because i had problems at home that needed sorting out before embarking on a new encounter and ii) because it is easy for women to get a wrongly labelled at work as a 'flirt' and get a bad reputation - i got that advice on this site, it was sound advice and i followed it and i am SO glad I did. For the record, I really like the guy at work he's a lovely guy ... but i'm still glad i've kept it strictly professional x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): hi i answered before and just saw your reply - re woman at work, that just shows how committed she is to her husband - ie she is moving because of his job - she wants her marriage to work - sensible lady - anyway you sound like you have a handle on it - mind you, you don't have a choice, which is good. Congratulations on the new baby and the lovely 3 yr old and gorgeous wife - and how lovely to have a nice house for you all to live in as well - you lucky lucky man. Take care x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): SIGH! I've seen SO many postings like this on here its untrue! I agree with the others! Love the joke about penises having nicknames! Would it help if we came & whacked you over the back of a head with a flat pan or something.............just to shake your brain back into gear and give you just enough of a sore head to take your mind off what is going on below the waist. I think it's your groin speaking not your heart!! Sorry I don't mean to make flippant but Well........Really!
Imagine the scenario: You start an affair, she leaves work, her husband finds out and comes and gives you a beating and your proposed mistress then dumps you, your wife leaves you, you lose your house, your kids, you are worse off financially paying child support and maintenance. This is not a pretty picture but it is highly the realistic consequence of your proposed actions.
You are not desperately in love with this woman at work and she is not in love with you. Love grows through shared contact and experiences. You might fancy each other, fair enough, lots of people fancy other people at work etc ... hey we've all been there (smile). If this woman really wanted you, she'd have grabbed her chance when you told her how you felt. Whether she feels about you, she is not planning on cheating on her husband and she has made that clear. Unrequited love/lust is probably pretty maddening. Get her out of your head, distract yourself. Transport yourself back to how you felt when your 'beautiful wife' (your words) agreed to marry you and how you felt when she stood next to you and you swapped rings and remember all the great times and when your 3 yr old was born and so on and so on .... If you have excess energies, try the gym!!
You are lusting after someone unattainable. If she suddenly became available she might lose her appeal. Would you feel the same about her if you saw her every day, when she was in a bad mood, not looking her best, etc etc .. ??
It is good that she refused to get involved (at least one of you has some self control) and even better that she is leaving work. You have a lovely wife, a gorgeous toddler and a baby on the way. Come on Man! Keep your Grip. Please just put this woman out of your mind (she is a cake in a shop window that you walk past every day - or some such ...). Your wife would be DEVASTATED to find you cheating on her whilst she was pregnant and about to have your second child and your 3 yr old would be confused and upset and
quite possibly damaged by having his family life as he knows it 'disbanded'. From what you say, I can see no reason to break up your family. You sound as though you are ok at home and have just let your lust for this woman build up into out of control proportions. You can regain control. You might try talking to a counsellor. We all have these problems from time to time. I am sure you will do the right thing you sound like you know what is right.
You must be bloody mad. Step back, think objectively. You say you are intelligent - well prove it. If you are unhappy in your marriage, go to counselling, talk it through with your wife (that is what a truly intelligent man would do - Trust Me!) and then, if you are still unhappy and your marriage is not working, wait until your divorce is final before you even contemplate starting another relationship. 'Rebound' relationships are not good.
I suspect you want to keep your wife and shag this other woman on the side. That is called having your cake and eating it!! And in your case, given that your wife is gorgeous and you have a nice house and a good job, I would describe it as not only having your cake and eating it, but having extra cherries and double cream on top too and then making luxury trifle out of the leftovers.
Anyway, you don't know how you 'feel' about this woman cos you have never had any more than a cursory work based interaction with her!! How long have you been with your wife?? I'm guessing it must be at least 5-6 years, so could you possibly be approaching a '7 yr itch' type thing??
Your colleague has done the right thing. At this stage it is lust - you cannot possibly be in love with someone whom you do not really know at all. She is being responsible and sensible. You will just have to forget about her. Hopefully the new baby will take your mind off her. You have your very own 'nest' and it sounds like you have a very nice one at that ----- that is a gift so appreciate it and if there are any issues in the marriage work hard to sort them out. Your wife and children deserve and need you to give them your all, If you are bored/fed up, going off with another woman is not the answer. The answer lies within you. I hope you do the right thing by your lovely family. I am sorry you feel alone - that cannot be nice but you are being rather melodramatic - you are not alone - you have a family. Stop 'dramatic-ing' & spend your mental energy on being a good husband and father. Good luck xx
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A
male
reader, astonv12 +, writes (6 March 2008):
astonv12 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi everyone, thanks for all the replies. I really really do know that I am one of the lucky ones, and I'm really fighting to forget about her in that way and concentrate on whats good for me.I don't think I made myself clear enough on the first post: When I told her what I thought, I did tell her that I would never want to jeoparise hers or my relationship, I think I told her to get it off my chest, I felt like I was going to explode if I didn't tell someone how I felt.I'm more upset now about the fact that when I asked if we could just talk about it she made every excuse under the sun not to talk, going on about what people would say and how she'd be judged as the one who enticed me. I just wanted to talk to her, I thought she was a friend who could trust me, and me her. Maybe I was wrong... I honestly do think I love her, but as every one of you has pointed out, I've got every reason not to be a complete muppet and throw everything away.Anyway, I thank you all for your thoughts and I promise to try and be strongThanks againBy the way, she's not leaving because of me, her husband has a job somewhere else.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (6 March 2008):
 Uncle Phil has a point. It reminds me of a very old, very bad joke.
Why do men give their penises nicknames?
Because that way they don't have to go through life having ALL of their decisions made by a total stranger!!!
I can assure you, you HAVE felt this way before. Think back, long before the babies and remember how you felt about your wife before LIFE, as you now know it, began. It's a tough slog, the long hours, the diapers, mortgages, work and career concerns. We all sympathize, those of us who have been married and raised young children all know how hard one single day is to get through. I'm sure that your fantasy with this colleague doesn't include piles of poopy diapers or bills - Just Sex - Right? The grass is always greener, until you have to mow it. I nice fantasy is a little mini-vacation every once in a while. EVERYONE, every single married person, has a little fantasy in their head every once in a while throughout a marriage. It's what you DO with that fantasy that has started all of your problems.
Thoughts Become Words,
Words Become Actions,
Actions Define Character,
Character Defines Your Destiny.
You are the one in charge of your thoughts and actions. Your first mistake was thinking that it is all real and discussing it with your colleague, who apparently isn't welcoming your advances. You crossed the line when you did that, and broke the vows that you made to your wife. You have to set boundaries and standards for your own behavior and hold yourself accountable. It's obvious to me that you love your wife and family, and this mistake can be rectified by what you do next.
I can't imagine that this fantasy includes joint custody, blended families, child support and university education for two families... Ouch. My husband and I have been married for 30 years. We are busy making retirement plans and building a house on the ocean to gather up all our grandchildren in. Will you be able to do the same thing with more expenses and two sets of children from two different families? Everyone makes their own choices and those choices determine your own future.
Consider all of this carefully when you hold your child in your arms tonight, and don't forget to kiss your wife.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): You are a 26 year old 'intelligent' man, i beg to differ about the intelligent bit. Sorry, but i just wish you would wake up, you have a gorgeous wife, child and a baby on the way, so what is your problem? This is head lust and you have to walk away. At least she had the sense not to have the same feelings back, what would of happened if she had. You say she is leaving work, is that because of you? You should be glad that she is leaving at least now you have had a lucky escape. Go home and give your family the 100% of you that they so rightly deserve before i come there and kick your sorry arse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
take care
xx
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A
female
reader, hello1 +, writes (6 March 2008):
 Do you realise how much of a bastard that makes you if you cheated on your wife while she was pregnant? Your not young anymore and you got your life sorted, why go and ruin that all for an affair? It's not just this woman, what if it happens again and you fall for another woman? Really think about what you want, start spending more time with your wife. Nothing wrong with thinking someone attractive but don't get too deep.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): It's fairly obvious what's going on here - your little head is doing all the thinking while the big head is taking a break.
Your big head is telling you that disaster awaits around the corner, while the little head is telling you that you might just get away with it.
Trust me - listen to the big head. It's a well documented fact that a man's IQ falls to 10% of it's normal level when faced with a situation such as yours. If you choose to listen to the little head, and assuming this young lady at work is willing to act out your desires with you, be prepared for lots of heartache.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (6 March 2008):
Hi
Because your a kid in a toy shop! Seriously though, the woman at work leaving her job will be the best thing to happen! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease for that babies sake, dont manipulate the girl to get into anything with you. She isnt interested and knows its wrong and knows when shes left, the temptation will be gone. She's being the intelligent one. You will break so many hearts if you persue this.
You sound like you have a lovely life, what a tragedy it would be to throw that away. Trust me, a lot of people strive for what you have, and sometimes never get it, not in this lifetime.
Maybe you have just lost sight of that lately?
Just think, that little babby will be here soon. You will be run off your feet, but still so lucky!
I know what you say about the lust thing, but i wouldn't mind betting it is just lust/infatuation, whatever you want to term it as.
It comes across like the love, really, is at home with your wife and family.
And another thing i wouldnt mind betting is this girl is flattered and actiually quite likes the attention! But saying people will talk, is not a good excuse if she is leaving the place soon. She probably just doesnt want to stop the attention you are giving her, so keeps the spark just burning a little bit there, keeping you dangling. She needs to be a bit more honest i think, but that will stop her ego boost. But thats her thing to deal with anyway.
You are in control of what you do. Stay strong and look forward to that new baby please!!!!!
See how lucky you are...
Good luck. Hope you do the right thing.
C xxxxxx
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