A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My wife is deeply into S and M and I am not. I discovered that she has become the slave of another man, but still professes she loves me. I have allowed her to spend 2 or 3 nights a week with her dom. I don't think I can find any way to give her the same excitement and fulfillment she seems to get from S and M. I have tried S and M, but find it boring and not sensual. I love her deeply and don't want to give her up, but after seven years I still feel betrayed and am intimidated to approach her sexually. Has anyone else been in this situation? Any recommendations? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 October 2017):
 Ormskirk360 - GREAT post!
I have a good friend who is into the S&M scene. I'll admit, if I hadn't known her, I wouldn't get it at all, and to be honest, if anyone came near me with clamps or hot oil or floggers, I would run! If sex were truly a flavor, I'd prefer vanilla with a few chocolate chips, maybe some cookie dough from time to time, and I tell NO ONE of my experiences with rocky road! Ever!
First of all, I don't believe that she is cheating on you if your relationship is open, but you have every right to call rules every step of the way, and frequency is part of that package. Open means ground rules. Being a slave doesn't mean that she's giving this other guy her deepest heart.
Also, rules are fluid, meaning she can't beat you over the head with something you said if you are now feeling uncomfortable with it. ASK ASK ASK! And not just her. Become really knowledgeable about the fetish, and you'll see that words don't have the meaning you think they might. Slave has a very distinct mindset, but even that must have boundaries and trust added of not just your wife, but YOU as well as the other spouse in the open marriage. But suffice it to say - just because she has presented as the submissive or slave in a kink scenario, that doesn't mean that her relationship with YOU is subject to him in any capacity whatsoever. It's not that kind of a slave thing.
I'll suggest what my friend has done. Her husband has met her partner. They're friends, actually, having met through her BDSM group, and when things started, they talked out what happens and what doesn't happen, what's allowed and what isn't. Trust goes through every aspect, every needle, clamp, collar, and a host of other things they do that would have me screaming in terror to either have done to myself or do to someone!
And, like any other free relationship, if she doesn't put YOU first and doesn't respect you and your trust, you can end the marriage if you want out. Being married to someone with this fetish when you don't share it is not for everyone. Hopefully you and your wife can continue to talk, communicate, and work out something that you feel comfortable with, or you'll go separate ways. But talk, talk, talk, read, look up, gain knowledge, and you'll learn a LOT about that world for sure!
A
female
reader, Ormskirk360  +, writes (7 October 2017):
 It annoys the fuck out of me that people still feel qualified to offer advice on a subject they know nothing about.OP, I am actively part of my kink scene. Some kink is sexually motivated, but a lot is not! Obviously I do not know you or your partner, so don't know for her if it is or not, but she's there for you to ask. For me, unless I'm in a relationship, my 'play' is not even close to sexual. I have a few close, trusted friends that I can play with (absolutely no sex involved, and no sexual connotations or feelings), that satisfies my needs. Most of my friends I socialize with come with their partners, or have their partner's permission, and they play in the way that they enjoy. It is not only whips, ropes, and forcing your cock down someone's throat. There are MILLIONS of kinks, and MILLIONS of ways to experience your kinks, which may or may NOT be sexually motivated.This may not make a difference to you, as many people don't like their partner to play with others, no matter in what context. But if it wouldn't bother you if she doesn't do it for a sexual thrill, all you need to do is ask her, and make the decision where to go from there. You may be thinking that her service to him comprises of a whole heap of things that it doesn't. Ask, then go from there.I will add, this lifestyle is not for everyone, but someone that NEEDS it, is very unlikely to settle without, so although I've friends who can have a 'vanilla' relationship, and leave the lifestyle to honor that relationship, it often breaks down and they come back at the ending as they crave their particular kink. People need to stop reading 50 shades of shit, and think that that is an accurate representation of how the BDSM lifestyle is, because when you live it, nothing could be further from the truth.
...............................
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (6 October 2017):
This is the plot of a cuckold s&m stroke story.
But giving you the benefit of the doubt we'll proceed as if it's true.
She has betrayed you and your marriage. If you can't accept that send her to live with her dom, divorce her and find a woman who does actually love you. If you can live with it you have my pity.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 October 2017):
 I honestly don't know how you could love this woman and allow her to spend two or three nights a week with another man. I couldn't be in a marriage like this. How did you find out she likes S&M? Surely this came up before you both got married? If not then you need to talk to her and she needs to choose who she wants to be with. It will break you if you keep sharing your wife with another man.
...............................
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (6 October 2017):
I have been doing things the wrong way all this time.
So love is when you let your wife spend 2 or 3 nights with another man as his slave.
No wonder I cannot understand love.
The rest of the World calls this cheating, adultery, and Oh HELL NO!!!
Unless her dom got married to her at the same time you did, she has no right to be in another man's arms.
Recommendations...yes...three....Lawyer, Divorce, and a wife just for you alone.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 October 2017):
 Are there are children in the equation?
If after 7 years and there are no children, then I think you need to consider that you and your wife are utterly incompatible sexually. What she is looking for you can't fulfill and you obviously aren't happy with this "arrangement".
If she sees him 2-3 times a week it's pretty clear that her sexual preference and the S&M is more important to her than her marriage to you.
Did you two not discuss this BEFORE marriage? It makes no sense that a person who is into this doesn't ensure her partner can fulfill her, that HE gets something out of it too. Or did you "ignore" this fact thinking it will change or I can try and do it?
You can love someone and not be a good fit together.
Or you can talk to your wife and YOU can be "allowed" someone on the side too. As in, an open marriage.
I really don't see a GOOD and workable fix. She isn't going to give it up and you are not going to suddenly like it.
...............................
A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (6 October 2017):
 I think I would tell this guy in no uncertain terms to leave her alone. You then become top dog.
If she still wants to play at being a slave then put her in the cupboard for a few hours. She could also do some naked dusting for you while you watch TV. You don't need to play act. Just let her do the weird stuff.
...............................
|
