A
male
age
51-59,
*harismatic
writes:Hi CupidI have been married for 15 years and have a wonderfull family. I love my wife and my kids. the problem however is that there is no sexual attraction in my heart towards my wife. It is not that I dont want to but the problem is that I dont feel wanted. I cannot remember her ever asking me for sex. The closest she has come was to tel me I can ask her or she would stroke my arm. This happens once a month hence I assume that it is due to hormonal changes. I have made an effort to buy her flowers on the odd occasion even taken flowers to her work. She was upset with me about that one. I bought her a nice necklace eventhough money is tight due to the recession and she responded by asking why did I do that. I cook at times and wash dishes to help out. I know I am not perfect but do try and help with the kids etc.I know she is not having an affair, but her complete lack of libido turns me off and makes me feel unattractive. It has gotten so bad that when we do try and have sex I cannot rise to the occasion (excuse the pun) cause there is just no attraction towards her. That said I always ensure that she is satisfied. I had always made it a priority to satisfy my wife since I find fulfillment in the fact that she has been fulfilledThis might scetch a bad picture of her, but she is actually a good mother and even a good friend to me, but the sexuality part is dead. The problem is I often feel like I want to throw everything overboard and start an affair with someone who will want me.Oh and I have tried speaking to her about it but there are always excuses and promises of change but it never comes.Dont know what to do, tried ignoring my sexuality but it does not work.RegardsMe
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): Echo all the advice below. Get a counselor and work on the marriage hard.You may find it is greater than you ever expected. I've been where you are, down to the flowers, and even told my wife that I couldn't buy her flowers any more or ask her for sex because I'd gotten so much rejection that I couldn't bear it.Then, I/We spent a lot of money on counseling for the two of us, it was either that or I had to leave and find someone else...and I found out horrible things...nightmarish things...things she had never told anyone before (and I'd been married longer than you and she's told me she couldn't imagine anyone treating her better but she couldn't tell me this stuff).Then our lives together changed for the better, sex is more frequent than it was when we were young and new to each other, and WAY BETTER than any sex I'd ever had. She feels better and better and more open and wants to be touched like never before.WORK ON IT WITH HELP AND IF THE FIRST COUNSELOR CAN'T GET THE JOB DONE THEN CHANGE, IT CAN TAKE MORE THAN ONE TO GET SOMEONE TO OPEN UP (we had three before it happened).
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2010): I'm going to tell you...exactly what Shania laid out happened to me. I sought out comfort in an affair, told my wife, and ended an otherwise good marriage that could have been saved. Get to a counselor!!
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A
female
reader, shania  +, writes (25 October 2010):
 Once you stop finding your partner sexually attractive then it wont be too long until you fall out of love with her.In my personal opinion,if there is no sex or intimacy in a marriage then as far as im concerned its stone dead.If your situation carries on then you will start looking elsewhere.It will take 1 woman to pay you alot of attention and bingo an affair will begin. Now it sounds like your wife has a low sex drive so therefore you two are not sexually compatible, maybe she is bored with the sex? doesn't get turned on enough? Does she still love you? Maybe seeing a sex therapist will help you two...Have you actually sat down with your wife and had a heart to heart chat? Without communication you are never going to sort it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2010): I had the same EXACT situation as you...15 year marriage, she was not very sexual but was good when she wanted to be, she never initiated, etc.
I tried and tried, and it got to the point where she physically rejected me...pushed me away, etc. We went to counseling, but it just did not work. I require intimacy to feel a bond with a woman. She needed a bond to feel intimate. It was a vicious spiral where neither of us fulfilled our needs. We split after a 20 year friendship and 15 year marriage and one son. I feel terrible, but we just were not happy. I have seen WAY too many couples persist in unhappy marriages, and I think it is a waste. If you are not happy, you need to both find happiness. Go to marital counseling...PLEASE! Then, at least if it still does not feel right, you can at least say you both tried. Don't go the affair route or the guilt and shame will be a problem.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (25 October 2010):
 You can try and take her out on a date or start exercising or trying new looks to make sure you are as attractive as you can be. Perhaps you could try different things, try role playing when you DO try to have sex. Try something new and something different but whatever you do, do not even THINK about having an affair just for sex. What you have is precious, the problems you have are but mere hindrances and they can be overcome, do not give up on it so willingly.
I hope that helps.
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