A
male
age
51-59,
*rtlm41
writes:I have been married for 13 years to the love of my life. Like so many other men on this site I too became comfortable in our marrige, and did not give my wife the attention she desired. We have four beautiful children together. I found out about three weeks ago that she began having an affair with a man that I know very well. Since finding out she has told me that the affair started roughly 2 months ago and that in this short amount of time she has fallen in love with him. She keeps telling me she did not want this to happen and that there relationship is completely emotional at this point. I'm not sure I believe her but she insits thay have not had sex yet. She has told me that she will not stop seeing him and that she will file for divorce ASAP. I of course am a complete wreck. I love her with all my heart and I just am having a hard time understanding how she can just turn off her feeling for me and shift them to this guy. I have tried to just accept this and move on, but it is very difficult. I am worried about the children and how they will be affected. I am having panic attacks at the thought of loosing her basically overnight to someone else. She has made up her mind and as of right now she id determined to get out of our marrige and be with him. The hardest part for me is that we had a great marrige. It was very loving and full of fun and excitment, and I just did not see this coming. She tells me she has simply been playing the good wife, and that this has been coming for a long time. I am having a hard time believing this, and i'm convinced if this guy would have never come into the picture, we would still be enjoying our life together. Is there any hope? Will something click and bring her back to me? Will I ever recover from this? Should I just give her her space and let her do her thing, hoping she will see the light? I do not want to loose her and I have expressed that, but everytime I tell her I love her, and that I want to save our marrige, it seems to drive her further away and closer to him. I need some encouragement here, can anyone help. Also what about the holidays coming up. Should I buy her a Christmas gift? and if so what should I get her? She has said she does not want to exchange gifts this year.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2009): You sound like a lost puppy.Be a man cut the lovey crap. She's done get it through your head.She's not coming back.Now grow apair and start realizing she has been lying and cheating behind your back.Next thing she will do is blame it on you.Oh "you didn't love me enough" BULL CRAP.It's called blame shifting don't let her do it.She will love it if you take responsibility for her crime.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2009): Female dec14 is right on, trust me same thing happened to me.The more (kiss ass) you act the worse it will be.Trust me her attraction to you is at about 10%.
You need to say "I agree with you it would be better to split up now" How can I help you move?
Don't show weakness or she will walk all over you.She has been testing you all along to see if you have balls.
Don't buy her a gift.Push her away and it will freak her out.She counting on you to be acting all wussy about it.That is the source of her power.Deny her the power "DO NOT KISS HER ASS" you hear me!
This guy is a real douche but a perfect fantasy in her head. Try to get full custody of kids and make payments to her for half the house.If she gets everything you will get screwed while she having the time of her life.Start planning the finances now this will happen so prepare for it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): i really feel for you men. having an unfaithful spouse is not easy.
i just have one piece of advice to you: NEVER allow another human being to have this power over you. never allow someone to treat you as a doormat and never wait around for scraps. we make the mistake of waiting around like puppy dogs. NO! LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO move on. love yourself and value yourself. when a spouse cheats we hold on. realise this - we are valuable and have a precious life. do not allow yourself to be treated like dirt. love???? what is that? that heartwrenching knife in your heart. NO. the moment someone destroys your soul, your life, you need to be brave enough to say. I will survive this.
i agree with the last male. as a man grows older he gets more desirable , so look at the bright side. you can bag a younder model (lol). so start investing in yourself. do a mental and physical health check. there is life after betrayal. yes it hurts like hell, but guess what - what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.
i am not insensitive to your pain and suffering. yes, mourn the loss of your marriage, but slowly move on, put your life together slowly and heal and look forward to a new life and a new love. one day you will find it again. do not look back and do not wait around for the cheating spouse to come back. sometimes the best gift you can get is the gift of being released from a cheating spouse. this applies to both men and women.
good luck and take care. youare good guys and guess what good guys are heard to find. so even though your wives have cheated on you, some other woman will realise your value and snap you up. maybe you think i am just a old romantic with no sense of reality. BUT let me tell yo something. I have seen spouses like you move on to bigger and better love and happiness. re invest in your lives and one day that sun will shine again for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009): I have been in the same boat for all most a year. It's a sad state of affairs. I to find that the harder I try to stay together the further she runs. I’m slowly trying to move on but it's hard. The sad thing is that what they are feeling is just a rush and when we are no longer around the rush they feel will slowly fade away. I’ve done plenty of reading and the last thing we can do is tell them what to do. Live your life; show her that you are strong with or without her. Just don't make it look like you are screwing around it seems, what they do is innocent and what we do is cheap yet their new guy can do no wrong. It’s bull but all we can do is bite are lip. Go out join a club show that you are out to better yourself. I’m starting to think that it’s a crash and burn thing. And if they are lucky we are there to put out the flames. Right now all they want is to find something to justify their anger towards you, don’t give them a spick to work with. I’m still trying and learning every day. Good luck friend the reality is that we as men get the last laugh they grow old and desperate we become more attractive.
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (20 November 2009):
 It sounds like a complete flip of the switch. You did not say what your shortcomings were in detail and I am just asking this to try to make sense of the situation. Can you pause in this chaos and look at that for us.
Judging her behavior as wrong and insensitive is like shooting fish in a barrel. It is verging on some form of mental illness.
I guess the first thing I can say is get you some counseling. She can join if she is willing. Try to get out all the truth you can and if she wants out even then just set her free. You cant possibly have a good marriage with somebody who is so cold and unstable.
Do your best to stay strong for your kids and when you need to do the sobbing fetal position thing, keep it with your counselor, your brothers (man-friends), and the folks here. Its totally understandable to be devastated but attempt to hold your composure because it is a job that has to be done and you dont get to choose that responsibility, you are it.
I hope you PM me if you need a male shoulder...I am feeling for you brother.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2009): Change the locks, get a lawyer, divorce her, get as much as you can, and tell your sons to never get married.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2009): Bring back the romance. Really, all women want is love & attention. The affair was all emotional not sexual. You can do it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): i think no matter wha you do for your wife she wont relent. she has made up her mind. she is lying to you bu telling you nothing sexual happened. she is running after this man like a bitch on heat.
please do not get her anything for xmas. do not blame this other man, your wife is the married one and she is choosing him.
it is sad but you need to be strong during this period. you need to consult your own divorce attorney and please be wise when it comes to assets vs liabilities. you may not get the wife back but don't give her the satisfaction of taking everything you have worked hard for. keep remembering that she betrayed you and the kids when you dicuss divorce, this bitterness/hardness will pull you through. you may love her but don't let her destroy you. you cannot wait for her to get over her lust for this other man.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009):
Something will click and she will come back. Thats the reality in these situations. Sometimes the bridges have been burned and the spouse doesnt have a choice to return even if they'd like to.
Avoid precipitous actions like divorce procedings- those always get ugly and there are things that can be unsaid.
Give her a 6 month no questions asked return policy. That will give her enough time to settle into a routine with the new guy and then she'll be able to compare if things really are better.
After the 6 months its time for you to start closing things down.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): You sound like a really good man and a very loving person, Unfortunately we cannot control other peoples feelings or actions. I know this is the hardest thing for yoy, but I personally knoe people in very similar situations to yourself who have found love again with someone else. I know it's hard to believe but you dont know what is out there for you. Your children will be fine, worry about yourself for a while, and if your wife says she wants to go, then you have to let her go. It would really help you to speak to a counsellor on a confidential basis and just get your feelings aired. But I promise there will be a better life for you waiting, just sit tight
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): mammadex has given some very good advise..Just be there and DO NOT BE A DOORMAT. Do not allow her to do any and everything she wants just to get her to come back. Do everything you can within reason to remind her of the things she loved you for to start with. more than likely this will grow stale and she'll remember...hopefully she'll wake up before it is too late. good luck sweetheart, mal
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A
female
reader, MammaDex  +, writes (18 November 2009):
Hey look there's no such thing as a perfect relationship. Life isn’t all sunshine and buttercups. But a happy relationship is a very real thing, and you deserve a happy, healthy relationship.Maybe you should calm down a little.. Give her space...Lets start from the basic..List of things you should do:1. Smile to her every chance you had2. Try to listen and not argue3. Make small little surprises eg. buy her dinner, or things that you know she like, make it as casual as you can.. take the holiday as an excuse..4. Ask you kids for help, Explain to them how you feel and what you want and listen to their opinion..5. Bring your whole family to holiday where she can't contact him (even if it means bringing your in law and your parents, just so she will have to follow)6. If she really went to court and file a divorce, tell the court you'll like to savage the relationship and ask for a counseling for both of you..7. During that period, try not to let your anger get the best of you...8. Tell her every chance you have that you love her..9. Leave a letter or a note somewhere where only she can accidentally find, expressing your love, what you like about her, why you are thankful about she being in your life, How much you treasure her..10. If she still insist on divorce, if you are willing, tell her that you will agree to the divorce and you'll be waiting for her to come back.. and that your love for her will never change...But sometimes its fate, no matter what you do or say, sometimes it just meant to be.. So i suggest you to be strong, have confident and meant every word you say to her...Best of luck
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A
female
reader, dazey  +, writes (18 November 2009):
I do empathise with your situation but my own experiences don't help me to offer you any advice. One thing I might be able to answer is how she could turn off her feelings for you and on to someone else. I think you should read about oxytocin, it's a brain chemical that we experience when we get turned on by sex (possibly just the possibility of it), to put it bluntly. I'm no scientist so look at wikipedia or similar for more: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/OxytocinBasically the jist is that your wife seems to have started some sort of an affair, she probably hasn't felt that level of excitement or arousal for a while - please don't take offence- and the rush of the oxytocin is clouding her judgement. The wikipedia thing on oxycotin even notes that people are more trusting when under the influence of the oxy- now that is something to worry about depending on who this other man really is.Sorry to sound so matter-of-fact, but I find these things useful to know, I've found they certainly explain certain behaviour sometimes. I hope this information helps you. As they say knowledge is power. good luck!
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