A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, i was advised to come on this site by a friend who said you lot where very good so hope you can help me out here. Well my wife has recently lost her dad to a liver failure, this has hit her and her fmaily very hard, infact its even made her mum quit smoking just suddenly like that which i know must have took alot of courage, but one reason ehr mum did this was because how upset my wife was, she'd been saying she(her mum) would quit smoking for yrs and did a few times but with my wifes dad also smoking it was hard. Both my wife and her brother don't smoke, its hit him hard too but hes a really strong man, infact one way he's been dealing with it is to wind my wife up like they do normally which, i never have said anything about it to her because it sems to relieve the stress and upset by taking it out on him and he knows when hes gone too far. Anyway as i say shes taken this really hard and i want to talk to her about it but i'm not sure what to say, or what i should ask. I want to sort of bring this up in a convo to try and get her to open up to me because she holds the tears back alot, i can understand her doing that as we have two kids 17yrs and 15months but not when shes around me, she says she doesn't want to bother people with her problems but surely thats what i'm here for? I want to try and do this to take her mind off it but i don't know what to do andi don't know what to talk about with her as i don't want to upset her any more than she is now, what sort of things do you do or talk about with someone who is so vunerable? I love her with all my heart but i just freeze up when i know she maybe upset and wish i wasn't there because i don't know how to help her and i want to change that! Hope you can help me out with this, i'm sorry about the long post an that it maybe abit complicated. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2007): If you feel that anything you say cannot be enough to alleviate the deep sorrow, that is true, words won't replace the tremendous absence, but can help to an extent, as well as your presence. I believe you should rather "observe" than "ask." Some questions are simply unnecessary. As, not hard to imagine, "How do you feel?" Instead say "I know how you feel." And give her as much attention as you can, be affectionate, hug her, respect her "time alone" if requested however. I think you should not avoid discussing about her father, and this can even make her be more open. "Oh, your father was a special person" or "your father used to do this... " can make your wife get very emotional, but then again it is healthy to express emotion! which you say she is avoiding, and it's not as we should be afraid to talk about a loved one we lost, instead we can focus on calling and celebrating his memory and in this way be hospitable to the feeling "how special that this person has been part of my life." It is important for your wife to feel supported, because as you said she is more vulnerable now. She is probably trying to minimise or hide the problems for the children's sake and yours. She may neglect her health, prepare her soups, fruits, do the housework, help arrange the funeral details, if she lets you. It's not easy at all... If she at times appears to reject, everyone has different ways of dealing with the pain, understand her. You sound like a very caring husband, I'm sure you can help her through this, just be together.
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male
reader, quarky +, writes (29 August 2007):
 just a couple of thoughts on this-first of all, as it seems you've experienced, everyone deals with grief in their own way and in their own time . my mum took days to cry when her parents died, my uncle slept for a week when his brother passed. Just understand, i suppose that your wife's reaction may not be how and when you expect. secondly-and this may sound too simple- just be there for her no matter how she takes it or how long it takes-and don't feel hurt or feel shut out, she'll open up when she's ready.
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