A
male
age
41-50,
*ivingdead
writes:Where do I start? I've been married for 12 years but been with her for for 18. We have 3 boys who I wake up for every morning to make all the money I can so they have everything. My wife doesn't work, I was raised thinking u should support the family and the wife takes care of the house and kids. Well Iam not perfect by all means, I did my share of messing around when I was younger and so did she. I've been faithful for over 13 now and have been dealing with the fact that my wife keeps cheating on me for the last 3 years with the same guy. Everytime I catch her she tells me that she is sorry and she will never do it again but it continues to happrn. The thing that I can't handle is that I have a big desire for sex and to feel those hungry or lustful hands of my wife and she is just not attracted to me sexually. She says she is but nothing ever happens. But she continues seeing this guy and performs all kinds or sexual things that I wish I could get. I wish sometimes I could be this other guy just to feel that sexual desire. Iam at the edge here and have no desire to leave her cuz she says she love me and can't live without me. But Iam tired of competing with this guy. What should I do? How do I get her to want me sexually?
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male
reader, justsomeoldman +, writes (27 April 2013):
You are getting exactly the same treatment and respect you gave your wife.
Talk to her, tell her you know. Admit your behavior and tell her that you can not continue like this.
Because even if you think you can, you can't, it's apparent that this cancer is about to destroy everything, including the two of you.
Do either of you have a relative who can take the kids while you guys divvy up things, the house and stuff, and divorce. Because that's the right answer here.
A
male
reader, livingdead +, writes (7 December 2012):
livingdead is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI for got to mention that the man she has been cheating on me with was my co worker. I set them up together because I enjoy watching my wife have sec with other men. The deal was I was to watch them and know about everything they were to do sexually because it turns me on to hear her tell me about what she does with him. Well eventually they started sneaking around my back so that's when the cheating started . Am I to blame?
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A
male
reader, livingdead +, writes (14 November 2012):
livingdead is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate everyone's feedback, and in alot of ways I know that what you all say is true. But I can't get myself to face the facts,I can't accept it. I want so bad to have my wife want me,to get hot when she sees me just the way she does for the other guy. I am so lost its hard to focus on work,people, and my responsibilities. It's hard to keep finding evidence that she is still seeing him. I love her so much I think she is perfect in every way but I have grown a lot of hate for her. I hate her for not wanting me, I hate her for looking so good and her knowing I desire her but yet she does nothing. Almost like if she is teasing me or getting plieasure out of watching me suffer. I provide everything for her, a nice suv, a nice house, money, shopping, I help her clean the house when I get out of work, I cook most of the time. I talk to her, listen to her, take her out with the kids and without. I take care of my boys so she can go do things by herself. I desire her, always give her complements. Shit I feel I do so much for her, where did it go wrong, when did I loose control of my life. When and why did she fall out of love with me? I don't want to be alone I love having my family around me. I feel like I've been broke and I have no energy mentally or physically or any desire to try anymore.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): I think people are just selfish. She is only thinking about her needs & not her family. I hate my husband but have never cheated on him. He rarely initiates sex,is not romantic, doesn't pay attention to me, never hears what I'm trying to say regarding our marital problems. He only blames me for "going on & on about nothing". He thinks that if we have sex that I typically initiate then that's good enough. HE doesn't want another "thing to do". He'd rather be playing w/ the dog, the kids or dumb ass computer games. anything but initiate sex w/ me. It's killing me. I think I'm starting to go crazy. I understand how you must be feeling. The constant rejection, the pain. It's so hurtful. But let me say this. She doesn't care about your feelings or those kids. Its' all about her. I have been trying to save my marriage for a while now & my asshole husband doesn't make the efforts I have been making. I know you don't want your kids to grow up in broken home but theres nothing you can do to make her want you. She is having her cake & eating it too. You need to get your self respect back & leave her. I know that sucks to hear that but it's the only way. She broke her vows & is not going to have sex w/ you. She has found someone else.
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A
female
reader, 1sunshine +, writes (11 November 2012):
 You need to get out of this marriage! She is rotten for cheating on you. End of story. It's obvious she is using you. You do seem like a nice guy that deserves a lot better than she can offer you.
Have some pride in yourself and leave! Don't let her have cake and eat it too...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2012): I'm sorry for what is happening to you. It is very hard to want someone who does not want you back espically when that person is supose to be your life partner.
My husband cheated on me and he kept saying sorry, but it got to a point that his words ment nothing to me at all.
This woman is using you, you are her finance, you support her and give her what she wants, and what does she give you in return? Sleeping with another man. You deserve so much better than to be treated like this. It is hard when children are involved (I know I am going through a horrible time, with the break up myself) But you have to do what is right for you, and staying with her she is not a very good woman espically to you and your kids.
If you want to stay with her I suggest you stand up to her tell her if she keeps behaving this way you will not put up with it, cut her off financally, do not let her spend any money on her personally, she is only to spend money on the food (if she does the shopping) give her a set amount and demand the receipt, if she does not spend the alloted amount then she is to give you the change. She can not get away with having a free ride like this, you work hard to support her and your kids and she kicks you in the gutt.
To work on the romance and getting the spark back, now this is a contradiction to what I just wrote, but these are just options. Set up a romantic night, buy her flowers, suprise her with a meal you have cooked for her (her favorite) run her a bubble bath, set out candles so she has a soft glow in the room, play some relaxing music, sit with her and feed her strawberries (or the like something she enjoys, chocolates even) help her out put her in a dressing gown, (a towel like one) sit out in the lounge and watch a movie she likes (even if it is tourcher for you ack like you really are enjoying it) massage her shoulders and neck, kiss her gently so it is very light on her neck. And then make your move.
If this does not work, then you really have lost her and you will not every get her back.
Good luck I hope it all works out for you.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (10 November 2012):
 The short answer is that you aren't going to get your wife to want you.
First off, if your wife has been cheating on you for the past three years and she's been caught repeatedly and you keep forgiving her, she's likely to continue seeing this guy. Sadly, she sees you as a sap and pushover (I don't mean to be harsh) but if she admits she isn't attracted to you and she steps out to satisfy her desires with someone else, she isn't going to snap out of it and say "Gee, livingdead is such a wonderful guy, I'll go back to him".
You continue to be the nice guy here and she takes advantage of you. Not only that, but she is spending YOUR money on this other guy (in terms of gifts and meals) and making him a priority in her life over you and your kids. Also, she is putting you at risk for disease and potentially raising one of his kids if she became pregnant.
You sound like a decent man and I know where you are coming from. You've been brought up to be the provider and caretaker for this woman. You have 3 children and hate to break up your family unit but a man should never have to tolerate adultery.
From what little I know of your relationship, it appears to be irreparable. You are playing the role of a chump and I would be amiss if I recommended you try to make it work. If after all the forgiveness you have provided for your wife hasn't changed her, then she isn't going to come around. For you to stick around longer only invites more heart ache.
I would encourage you to seek out help for YOURSELF. You've played the doormat far too long and I think someone to confide in and sort out what is going on in your life will be invaluable. Whether that be a friend or a therapist, you really need to bolster your self-esteem and reclaim your manhood.
Eddie
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A
male
reader, Byron Temple  +, writes (10 November 2012):
You need to forget making her want you. By the sound of it, it`s she is only with you because the other guy doesnt want her full time. Stop being her fool and get out of that marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2012): First off, you deserve better. She can't live without you because she doesn't know how to support herself. She is attached to the material things you provide her, and has no interest in anything else apparently. I doubt she'll change you could try counseling I suppose. You sound like a sweet man, who deserves a great woman and doesn't deserve to hurt anymore.
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