A
male
age
51-59,
*kalewi
writes:Hi everyone,I am married and have been in a relationship with my wife for over 10 years (married 2000). We are both around 40 and have a 3 year old boy and 5 year old girl.We have a problem where my wife has a low libido and is unwilling or unable to try and solve the problem. We are fairly good communicators and the problems in our marriage are typical minor incidents - until yesterday i cannot think of the last time we had a big argument. Those that i do remember are all around the subject of sex or lack of it. The problem started before we were married and i thought i was doing the right thing by persevering and trying to talk about the problem.To cut a very long story very short the lack of a sex life lead me to depression and suicidal thoughts over a year ago and i too developed a low libido, but was aware that if it came back (as it has done recently) the problem would return.We have tried sexual counselling with no success, as well as everything else including setting the mood, making time for ourselves and even cocaine (which worked very well but is probably not a good long term cure!)If i mention stockings and suspenders and argument is fully guaranteed, though neither of us are prudish by any mean. Though my own sex life was certainly more adventurous than hers prior to meeting i am only asking for a sexual relationship with my wife!To my mind this is the only problem with our relationship and despite the problems, i have remained faithful to her.Has anyone had similar long term problems and solved them and if so how. If you want me to expand on any point please ask. At the moment my life is on hold again as this is on my mind ALL the time
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libido, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): to the one that wrote thsi artical
i am 38 yrs old my wife is 31yrs old we have a 8 yr old daughter and we have been married now for 13 yrs.
well after reading your letter you are going through the very same thing as me, and i am also the same as you even though we or i have this problem (my wife dose not see it a problem), even though i have replyed to you i do not have any answers for you, but all i can tell you at this point like me don't give up,
the thing that i find interesting with her problem well i know that i don't have a problem because at the moment i feel like i have a very high sex drive at the moment.
sorry i got carried away like me all we can do is just keep thinking of different ways to ask questions (to the wife) why can't we have sex more often,
well even though i love my wife very much i did not marry her just for the sex, but as any husband i think that we have the right to have sex with our wive's (with her consent of course) after keep asking her in so many different ways and so many times she has given in to me.
but she did tell me that the reason that she did not want sex very often is because she was very dry (below) (may be this is one reason that your wife has the same problem) but she could tell that i did love her and it was hurting my feeling's a hell of a lot,
but the funny thing is that at her age she had finally discovered lubrication at her age well what a releif now she will let me have sex 2 times a week but even though it is 2 times a week it is taken longer and longer for her to climax now, even though i am happy with the result i am still not sure if it was the best result.
hope this will help you or others
A
male
reader, Skalewi +, writes (5 September 2007):
Skalewi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again and thanks for the comments.
Firstly thanks for the info on the book Penta. Although it doesn't come out in the UK until later this month I managed to get a copy and my wife and I are going to see what it holds. We are going to try it fortnightly as I think weekly would certainly be asking to much!
Well i did ask my wife for a divorce last week and that resulted in stoney silence for 24 hours. I think it gave us both a chance to think and the next day I told her that I didn't - we are happy in all other respects (except the usual problems - money, making quality time etc. She was also willing to accept that things had to change. Since then she told me that she masturbated a couple of days ago which means that she is starting to get horny! As long as she is horny then its a good start.
The problem is trying to get a balance as we get older. Priorities change and as people we need to develop as a result of experiences. The challenge is reconciling these changes with our partners changes to ensure the gap doesnt get too big between us. When children are involved the danger is that one partner (as mentioned in one of the replies) uses the children as an outlet and assigns them too much attention to the detriment of their partner. Not a healthy situation as the partnership breaks down and the children end up suffering and possibly resenting that parent later in life.
The partner with the lower libido sometimes doesn't understand the effects of the lack of intimacy - the comment in one of the replies sounded familiar when he said he could not doing anything right because the bar keeps on moving up. I had that too - 'things will be different if we get a new car / house etc.' I then did as asked with no real change and any changes that did happen quickly evaporated. As someone said here it really is devastating when you are not functioning correctly because of the way you are feeling. The circle starts and you get blamed for having no sexual relationship because of your behaviour. You know that you behaviour is a consequence of devoting too much of your time to thinking about the problem. You've fallen into the trap! Work suffers, health suffers, everything suffers because the energy you want to put into enjoying your life and relationships is diverted into becoming frustrated about the lack of intamacy. And its your fault because you're not the charming, humourous, attentive and considerate person you were before you were married/together. Theres no justice there but you start to realise that your concept of justice also has to change otherwise you do become a victim.
I have to agree with the dating behaviour point. The initial attraction has to go because it is not sustainable. The things that we like in a person initially eventually irritate us. Someone who has an incredible sense of humour turns into someone who doesn't take life seriously. Someone who initially is kind and considerate becomes weak. We all have strengths and weaknesses and none of us are the complete package. In time the weaknesses may to out to be viewed as strengths and vice versa.
I think the whole problem can only be solved if both partners regard it as a problem that needs to be addressed. If the 'low libido' person feels that a breakup and all that then entails is preferable to physical contact then there is no chance of solving the problem. The danger is that they may then start dating again and rediscover the joy of sex. Too late mate - go back to GO and do not collect £200. I think for the high libido partner they will increase their happiness by enjoying a full sex life again, but will have lost so much if their are children involved - how can you tell your children that you left them for a better sex life, quality of life, sanity and the opportunity to give your children more effective emotional support albeit on a part time level. They hear the word SEX only, and it may be another 30 years before they get a full understanding of how you felt, if at all.
For myself I am persevering again and hoping that we can sort the problem out. To those in the same position as me i hope that your solve your respective problems and know what you are going through
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2007): I can reiterate that it isn't just women with this problem. My boyfriend and I had a great sex life but it dropped off and keeps getting worse. I have spoken to him about it and at first all he'd say is that he didn't know why. Since then he's said it is because he is tired and doesn't feel he has enough time to relax. I saw this as a valid reason so took over the majority of household chores (which had been about 50-50) so he didn't have much to do and had more time to relax, but that made no difference whatsoever.I think this is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, and like everyone else I wish there was some magical answer. Talking, romance, thoughtfulness and everything else I've been able to think of hasn't helped me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2007): Its not just the Woman that have this prob.... Im female and been with my guy 4 years... used to have a fab sex life and now its going down hill... there are no medical probs, no kids to worry about, hes not cheating, its just a case of the more i mention it the less it happens and now he thinks im just nagging him for it! We are in our 30's and very much in love but its soooo hard.... Im open to any answers too... Its almost like because im taking control and trying to get a sex life started again, hes sayin not to spite me... in a sense that he feel less of a man because im having to ask for it! so anyway its not just men that are suffering this way.... Woman are too!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2007): You are not alone, I think many women have decreased libido as they get older and the daily stresses of family life don't help much either. Men however have high levels of libido and therfore there is a constant clash between the sexes over sex. I have been married for 20 years and have noticed our sex life reduced from every moment we had together ( before we were engaged ) to 2-3 times per week after we were married , to once every month if that, currently. When we make love I have to initate it and many times I feel she just wants the job done because there are many things to get done that day. Never at night because she is to tired. I have looked into drugs that could lower my libido but I have not taken that step yet . I wish I had an answrer that could improve your sex frequency but I haven't found it . They say the male thinks of sex every 30 minutes and I think they are correct . I also think the desire for sex and the lack of sex effects the way us males perform in our daily lives kind of like walking around with a tooth ache. The only comfort I have found is that we are not the only ones in this situation and that there are millions of males in this situation. I hope that one day there is a pill we can take to reduce our desire so we can focus on our family life and our work and remove the " tooth ache".If there is a drug out there it could be bigger than Viagra .
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2007): I am in a similar spot with my wife. We too have been married since 2000 but we only knew each other a year when we married. Soon after our honeymoon my wife stopped taking B.C. because it was making her nauseous and she was pregnant soon after. Sex was nonexistent during her pregnancy and remained so for almost a year. Sex has remained rare ever since but we did have another baby three years after the first. We also argued about sex. Invariable she told me I was the reason I was not having sex. More precisely she felt the weight of the world on her and no matter what I did it was not enough to make her happy, relaxed, sexual etc. After years of being blamed by my wife for not doing everything so she could be in the mood, I have concluded that despite all the modern talk of the sexes being equal in all things, the ancient wisdom still holds: Women are truly a grab bag of hormone driven emotions. My wife is very sensitive to her cycle and it affects her mood, eating and disposition. I believe women like my wife, and there seem to be more of them than I realized, have continually upwardly spiraling needs, emotionally, materially, etc. You may try to reach that bar that your wife sets for you but I have found there is usually another higher bar just out of reach. For years we argued over the division of household labor. I could be doing 70% of the chores and she would insist I was doing less than 25% for reasons I just mentioned. We also have minor arguments over child raring. Although my wife does not see herself this way, she is very child-centric; constantly prodding the children with rewards and also allowing them many more choices than either of us ever had from our parents. She does so until the children do something that puts her over the edge and then she spanks them and really lets them have it verbally. Recently our 3 year old tinkled on her while she was sitting on her lap while we were out and for half an hour thereafter all I heard her say to our daughter was “Mommy is doesn’t like you right now.”, “Why did you pee on me.” etc. over and over. As you can probably guess, talking about her approach to things as these is met with defiance and defensiveness and is what usually leads to an argument. Finally we had it out about a month ago and I told her that if things did not change in our relationship I was going to put my energy into something else. In a very rare move, she apologized to me the next morning for her nonperformance and making me feel the way I did over the years. Since then she has been more considerate of my feelings and needs although we have had intercourse only once since then; we might be building something new or just having another peaceful interlude before a major argument. Use my approach at your own risk. It was truly a last resort since she would not agree to counseling. I found this web-book which seems to get down to brass tacks. Don’t let the name fool you, my wife is not cheating but her attitude is described in the blurb to a T. Lastly, these books that claim you can wine and dine your wife back into bed are far from what is needed. My wife does make a very valid and lasting point when we talk about these things, and that is that men get too comfortable and loose their “dating behavior” and often act and treat their wife like they would a male buddy. See if this describes your wife: http://womensinfidelity.com/ Good luck!
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female
reader, penta  +, writes (29 August 2007):
 Try this book: "101 Nights Of Grrreat Sex, Romance, Couples Guide, Self Help, Activity Book," by Laura Corn.
It has sealed pages with sexy titles. 52 Pages are "For Her Eyes Only" and 52 are "For His Eyes Only" and one final challenge is "For Both of You". The idea is that every week you each open a page, read it secretly and have a few days to perform your mission on the other person. It's very exciting to know that while you are "up to something", your partner is too. This book is a great way to add some spice to life without the risk of bringing up new adventurous subjects yourself.
As for the lacy underwear -- I personally don't like it (lace in the wrong places, seriously uncomfortable). It may also make her think that you're more interested in the sex than her, or making her into something she's not. Maybe try some that's sexy without any lace -- and be willing to wear uncomfortable stuff yourself. Other than that, you may have to drop that part of it.
I'll admit here that I, too, have a REALLY low sex drive. And talking about it with my husband (more than just a little) is what keeps me trying, for him, because I love him and I know it's important to him. If that weren't the case, I'd probably forget about it altogether.
And BTW, if it has to be you who initiates it 98% of the time, I recommend that you just keep doing it. My husband and I went A YEAR without it because he stopped, and I did the last one, and it was his turn in my mind (dumb, huh?) You have to be willing to keep working on it.
Good luck. And tell me how the book goes.
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male
reader, Skalewi +, writes (28 August 2007):
Skalewi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi GuitarboyThere is an element of depression there as i will explain. Firstly our sex life was fine for the first year or more and quite adventurous. I cannot pinpoint the moment when it stopped but it was almost a year before we got married, and maybe another six months before it became an issue. I thought that i was being understanding by not pushing the issue and thought things would return to normal soon and she was giving that impression too.At the airport before setting off on our honeymoon she experienced a severe panic attack (I had had a previous girlfriend who suffered them to more or less the same degree.) It transpired that she had had panic attacks since she was young but had a few years without them. After this she was put on anti anxiety tablets.When we had our first child she did suffer from post natal depression after 6 months. She claimed that I was partly to blame because I had encouraged her breastfeed (as did all the professionals). Obviously as a new father i was keen to do the best thing for my wife and child and I probably did go on too much about breastfeeding. As a man i thought i was helping her through a difficult time but this was construed as pressuring her too much. When she made it clear how she felt that i had been unhelpful i acknowledged this and apologised and tried to make her understand that i was only doing what i was informed by the medical industry as the best thing. You live and learn and when we had our next child I did not interfere and she did not breast feed. This incident i know had a profound influence on her as she bought this subject up again when things got really bad last year, despite repeated apologies and genuine remorse.I think you may be right though as it appears there is no answer that i can see to this problem, and although it is a difficult decision to make, I have to decide whether or not to break up an otherwise happy family for or continue in a situation that made me clinically depressed last year and will no doubt continue to do so if i take no action.Thanks
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male
reader, Guitarboy  +, writes (28 August 2007):
 Make sure she isn't clinically depressed, and doesn't have any medical conditions that could be zapping her sex drive. Is she taking any kind of medication that could have a side effect like this? If it's none of those things, and you did mention that she even had this problem before you got married (red flag in my opinion) could it be that your wife married you because she was looking for stability and the comfort of knowing she had someone to come home to at night, but she wasn't all that attracted to you?....Women can have surprisingly strong sex drives, especially at 40. My guess is there's something missing in the chemistry mix between the two of you and either she hasn't figured it out herself, or she doesn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you the truth. She probably loves you but is not in love with you. Unfortunately there's not much you can do to solve this problem. You can't create chemistry where there is none.
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male
reader, Skalewi +, writes (28 August 2007):
Skalewi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the quick replies.Penta:Thanks for your comments and i have to agree with all of them. Unfortunately even as far back as 6 or 7 years we were talking, agreeing to take various courses of action, and for the most part following them through for a period of time. I believe the discussions have made me a more consideration person, and more in tune with what she wants (and in truth have benefited from the experience). As to defining sex, I really mean any sincere intimate contact. I have never had an insatiable appetite and whilst once a week would be very welcome I would probably be happy with a meaningful tactile experience once a fortnight! When she is making the effort i feel that I have to inhibit myself in order nor to scare her off. Am I being too pushy mentioning erotic lingierie? That is normal isn't it? She does not have any significant inhibitions about her body for a woman with two children and is more than confident to walk around the house with no clothes.Timing is not an issue either really as when we have made love it is more likely to be in the morning. Varied times would be great because as nice as it is in the morning it is also nice to have a build-up to the occasion. Comments about 'later on the day' are largely met with either 'you can't plan it' or i get the impression she tries to forget - which leads to my own lack of interest (fear of rejection?) Housework is a fantastic suggestion and one that i wouldn't have considered years ago. Whilst that is one thing she does bring up at regular intervals I feel that i make the effort but eventually taper off. As an experiment this March i promised her that i would do exactly as she asked if we made love 10 times in that month. We managed 8 and all the tasks that she wanted me to do were done as well as many that i thought she would want done. It worked for that month but most of those occasions were my own instigation. I didn't feel that we had turned a corner and although things were a lot better the commitment was not really there and i can think of maybe 3 occasions since then. I can't explain why we didn't get to 10, especially as we had 10 days to get the last ones in! I don't want to sound too clinical but its a compromise between getting the facts as they are across to a stranger but still conveying the personal and romantic aspects that we are trying to deal with.I hope this addresses the points that you raised and maybe you have something else to add. Good points though!
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female
reader, penta +, writes (28 August 2007):
Try to have a calm conversation with her, when the kids are at the babysitters. Let her know how much you love her, and then let her know how this is affecting you. One of the differences between men and women is that women need to feel loved to have sex; men need to have sex to feel loved.
Ask her how she would feel if you stopped holding her hand? Would she feel that you were withholding love? You know that she loves you, and you're not asking for daily sex. But would weekly be a good compromise? (You are holding her hand, right? If not, you need to start a lot of non-sexual touches to get her thinking about it.)
Also, define "sex" a little more loosely. If she's not in the mood, would a hand job do? Can you come on her chest? Or on her lower cheeks? My husband and I do this sometimes, when I'm just too tired for more, and every once in a while I get into it about half way through and we do more (though my husband is good not to expect it during those times).
When you come onto her may make a difference. Once she's in bed she's thinking about sleep. DON'T wait until she's in bed -- it's too late and she'll be grumpy. Start earlier. Or give her a warning in the a.m.: I'd like to come onto you after dinner tonight. It gives her a chance to get into the mood. (Then do a bunch of honey-do's around the house before you come onto her [grin].)
Finally, this is going to sound weird: housework (you doing it I mean) is sexy for some women. If she feels overwhelmed by the amount of stuff she needs to get done, she may feel guilty taking time for a "non-productive" past time. Helping her with her workload may help her relax. And as a mother of two she's probably really tired. If you can help her get over the tired she's more likely to be in the mood.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): My partner had this problem and left his wife after 24 years together. He was very ill with depression through it but feels now, I think, that one of the worst things was not being noticed. If your wife really noticed the levels of the depths of your despair why is she not more concerned? It was the same for him. He almost ate and drank himself into the grave. He felt there was no real concern for his happiness. He wanted cuddles and warmth, to be appreciated. He was merely tolerated.Female libido can be made better through testosterone therapy which you can research on line. If your wife is not concerned though, she will just see this suggestion as a further attack, the same as perhaps suggesting sex toys.I know you love her, my partner loved his wife, but you may be forced to leave. My man's ex was mortally horrified and humiliated when he did. She was totally confident that he would not and that she had control, which is flabbergasting. He is now in the middle of a horrific divorce and she is poisoning the kids against him with surgical precision having adopted the stance and delivered the message that he ABANDONED them all. Ran for his life more like, from her, not his children. Does your wife live in a similar cloud cuckoo land? Think carefuly before you act. The up-side is that we two are totally in love, we are real life partners and very happy (even though we have to live with some pretty awful consequences).
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