A
male
age
,
*diot in Tennessee
writes:My wife and I have been married for almost six years. It is a second marriage for the both of us. When we first started dating the passion and love making was amazing. As we continued dating and became engaged, things stayed fantastic. As we approached our marriage her family became very critical of our getting married. It hurt her deeply, so at her request I called her sister and told the sister and her husband to please not attend the wedding. This was a happy time, but very stressful for my soon to be wife. The passionate times we had in our bedroom was being affected by the stress this created. We married in October of 2003 and were very happy. In February of that year my oldest son returned from Army reserve basic training and lived with us. We had just bought a new car for my wife and allowed him to "take over the payments" on her Dodge Neon. He was very irresponsible and in fact all but wrecked the car, then walked away from it. Again MORE stress that we both allowed into our bedroom. I began feeling frustrated and looked online and talked to other women. I justified it in my mind as harmless, it was only talk. Soon there was a woman that was sending me revealing pictures of herself. Again, I was thinking it was harmless. We decided to move from California to Tennessee in April of 2004. the move was quite stressful as we had to go to court with her ex husband to get permission to move the kids out of state. MORE stress in our bedroom, and more of me seeking "gratification" outside on the net. once we were in Tn, things improved and we were doing better intimately. after a year in TN, I was let go from my job. That event has began a string of layoffs, and prolonged unemployment. My psychy was taking hits left and right. I would get a decently paying job, after at least three months off and things would be great. Then another layoff, and I would feel the remorse, doubts, self pity, you NAME it. I again didn't discuss these things with my best friend, my wife... I kept them locked inside. The stress was palpable and I would return to the internet to seek relief during each extended layoff. I knew that the women I were talking to meant nothing to me once I turned the screen off. When my wife and i were together, we were always happy, and got along fantastically. But the others were there in my little secret world. Move forward to this past Saturday morning. I had been out of work from the end of Jan through the end of June. i was on unemployment and kept making excuses of that good job would come anyday. I accepted a job that pays 11.22 per hour. Far less than what I was paid when I HAD a job. The feelings of inadequacy, self doubt and loathing, and pity were even stronger. During the times I was laid off i would spend hours at a time online talking to other women. I made up this fantasy part of life that I wasn't happy, that my wife and I never did anything and as soon as I could save some money i would leave. I knew with out a doubt that I would NEVER leave my wife. I do love her dearly, but I was enticed by the secret world and the emotional high of another woman saying she "wanted" me when my wife and i were under so much stress that it severely affected our intimacy. This past Saturday morning I got up for work (4:00 am) and did my usual routine. I made my lunch and got a bowl of Cottage cheese and headed down stairs. While I was unemployed I would go down to the computer each morning and check a whole host of internet job boards. but each time I would tell myself I'm ONLY going to check for work, no playing around. But 3 or 4 hours later there I was, still typing and talking. I neglected things around the house that I should have been doing to help out my wife. Well, that morning I did the same.... I checked the job boards, then opened up my secret little email account. In talking on line that morning it got right up to time to leave. I hurridly shut down the screen and stupidly forgot to sign out of the secret email. Later that morning while I was at work my wife came down and went to get online. She noticed the "hello (and my name)" on the screen and thought..that's odd, what is this? She opened the email and discovered the many many many emails with pictures attached. going all the way back to 2004. Obviously, and rightly so she was devastated, hurt, crushed, just bad. She called a couple of her friends and asked them to come over and help her change the locks, i was not coming home. I arrived about an hour later and tried in vain to beg for forgiveness. I even dropped to my knees and begged. We have talked a couple of times in the five days since Saturday morning. I have done research on "internet addiction" and have typed out pages of letters trying to explain what I should have been discussing with her from the start. She filed for divorce on Wed. She has said that she loves me, or she loves the man that I was when she fell in love. I know that I let myself come complacent, and didn't talk to HER about things, but instead made up my little fantasy world. As soon as I got to where i am staying i immediately got online and deleted the emails AND the email account. I also deleted the social network page account as well. I didn't tell or talk to anyone I have been talking too. It sounds bad, but that world was all make believe to me anyway. My question is simply this. My wife is ANGRY. justifiably so. I have told her I will do anything if she would forgive me and allow me to spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to her. She has told me that she just is too hurt and can't ever trust me again. I asked her to wait at least 30 days on the divorce, but she said she knows that she does not want to be married to me anymore. How can I get her back?????????
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at work, best friend, crush, divorce, engaged, fell in love, her ex, money, the internet, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, lovespice +, writes (2 August 2009):
Your situation sounds like my last relationship. We dated for 5 months, got engaged, and after a month I found out about his internet profiles on several dating sites.
It crushed me. Made me feel like I was worthless and lowered my self esteem. Stupid me, I forgave him then we moved in together. I thought it would be easier to be open and honest so I agreed to "get our own space" together. No sooner than a month passing, I found out again that he couldn't stop this obsessive behaviour. Meanwhile, his financial situation took a dive and I had to fulfill all the financial obligations.
I can't believe I put up with it.
Even if you beg her until your eyes bleed, you will not change. The dynamic between the two of you, the chemistry, has made it okay for you to lie. In your mind you think it is harmless but the truth is you lied to her and took advantage of her by not keeping your agreements with her. You can make any excuse you want for going on the internet but it's not a real excuse because you chose to live a virtual life and IT IS NOT REAL. It fulfilled your fantasies but you stayed in fantasy land interacting with other human beings who are also living in fantasy land. GET REAL. I wish I had the chutzpah of your wife. She needs to do the right thing for her. Not for you. Let her live her life the way she deserves it. She deserves so much more.
And perhaps you deserve a real life too.
I honestly don't think it will ever work out. Nothing will be the same.
In my personal experience, I look at my ex and think what a low life he is that he had to reach for a fantasy in the comfort of the home I created and being there thinking he was being there for me. He probably fantasized every moment he was away from his laptop. And not that I enjoy putting him down, I really am turned off. In real life, there are real solutions. It's called communication with clarity and honesty in a primary relationship. There's also couple's therapy. And even simpler than that, take a vacation and remind each other why you are together. Not why you should be fantasizing about other people who probably didn't even present themselves in all honesty.
Move on and live a real life. Good luck
A
female
reader, maggieharris  +, writes (1 August 2009):
I am going through exactly the same thing that your wife went through - 2 weeks ago I logged onto our laptop to play cards and my husband hadn't logged off his MSN properly - there i found responses to answers he had been sending his 'virtual lover' in America, such as "I love you too" etc.
So i continued searching the laptop and found video's she had sent him and one he had sent back - I was/am devastated.
I called him and questioned him - he was at work but came straight home - a huge row followed with lots of tears from us both.
Two weeks down the line- he has now announced he needs some space and wants to go travelling- obviously my first thought is that he is going to go the America to meet up with his cyber love - he of course is denying it.
What he can't accept is that he is an internet addict, even now, he is sitting in the garden playing snooker on a site where he exchanges chat with other people - he can't see how it is hurting me. I've tried to talk to him, to get the marriage going again - not 5 minutes ago I asked him to come in doors and sit with me - his response "I'm in the middle of a game of snooker".
Everynight he comes to bed at around 6am - after being on the internet all night - with the time difference between the Uk and USA of course i think he is talking to her -he says his not........
I love him dearly, and I really want this marriage to work, but its a two-way thing and he is determined to go travelling for 6 weeks- he says it will either break us or make us stronger - do I let him go with my blessing? - I know he will go no matter what I say.
Our sex life was great until a month ago - do I suggest we get physical again - I am scared of rejection.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (31 July 2009):
 You should be getting into therapy toot sweet. Its not just internet addiction but probably sex addiction as well.
If she hadn't caught you, most likely you would have continued. Thank God she did. I feel very sorry for your wife, for you...not so much.
You realize all that time you spent chatting could have been spent communicating with your wife? You try to sound like you arent justifying your actions. but your post is littered with them.
The first step you will have to do is to get rid of your internet access. Its obvious that you cant handle it, and wont be able to change your behavior without getting rid of it.
ACTIONS NOT WORDS! Words are hollow, and unless you cancel all your accounts, delete your dating site pages, and SELL YOUR COMPUTER You will go nowhere.
But in the end, with her filing so suddenly, Id have to say that based on her speed in taking action you've had it as far as the marriage is concerned. I am afraid that most likely you won't be getting her back.
Your bill has come due, time to pay up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2009): I had the same thing done to me. I discovered like your wife did that my partner of eight years was doing the same thing that you've been up to. He to forgot to log off to.
Like your wife I was so angry and felt so betrayed, and as far as I was concern his was cheating on me. He told them women so many lies I couldn't believe it.
He begged me to forgive him and give him another chance which I did. But to be honest with you I couldn't forgive him and all the trust I had for him was gone. So after a few months I told him it was over and I wanted him to leave my house. At the moment his still here, but only until he can find somewhere else to live.
"NO TRUST NO RELATIONSHIP"
I hope you can get her back, but if she feels like I did, theres not alot of chance you will.
Sorry to be so blunt, but I know how your wife feels and what shes going through. And I so so feel for her.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (31 July 2009):
 This is very well written, and you have put down your thoughts so that we can all understand how you feel. Your is how can you get her back? After everything that has happened, I am not too sure that you can. Your wife feels betrayed, as if you have physically cheated on her. As far as she is concerned, you have done so. It doesn't matter what stresses you were under, what pressures you felt, or how your self esteem had fallen to low levels. All that matters is that she has proof by picture, and proof by your own written words, of your deception, and your desire for another woman. This will be tough to get yourself out of. Firstly, try to understand how she felt, when she initially opened up the computer and found everything that you had typed, and pictures you had received. How would you have felt, had the situation been reversed? Add to that the fact of the timeline. You began the online affair only MONTHS after you were married. So she probably feels like you have been lying, cheating, and making a fool out of her for years. Now wonder she is angry.You said this is the second marriage for both of you. I am hoping for your sake that her first didn't end in a similar manner to what she is experiencing now. I would keep on writing her letters, as you write very well, or print off your question and send it to her. She may not be talking to you in depth, but she will almost certainly read what you have to say. It may help, it may not, she may rip them into pieces. There may be a way to get her back, but it will be completely on her terms, at her own pace, and in her own time. Trust is exceedingly hard to earn once lost. She has lost any trust she had in you. As you value the marriage, don't stop trying to talk to her, and make up for your error. However, I wouldn't be too surprised if her mind is made up.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (31 July 2009):
 Give her space. Begging and trying to justify why you should stay married, you might end up pushing her away further. What you have is not an addiction, as normally considered to be. When things are good, you're not on the computer, as things get tough, you escape. If it were a "regular" addiction, you'd be using the internet even when things at home were great.
The focus needs to now be not on what you did, but how you hurt your wife. It's not just asking for forgiveness, but truly understanding how she feels. When using fantasy to cope with reality, to her it would seem as her being the problem as well.
This is also not about getting a second chance, it would be about getting a first chance to do right. Apparently, stress became overwhelming, but instead of working together you pretended as if nothing was wrong. She is thinking "if he loved me, he wouldn't have." She may have filed for divorce, but the inappropriate contacts you made really have to do with you, not your marriage, and not intending to cause her pain too. People cope with change in many different ways. Your choice just happened to carry significant negative consequences as well.
There are no guarantees between you and her getting back together, or her forgiving you. While you were stressing, and heading to the computer, do you think, just maybe she was stressing too? So, you left her alone to handle the stress without support as well. Also, even though in a fantasy, internet relationships is cheating also. To her it doesn't matter if this doesn't mean anything to you.
If you are able to talk to her, set an in person appointment, in a public place. Go for coffee or something. Don't do it on the phone. If she agrees, take bits of what everyone says on here to you, and know what you'll say. Practice like you're giving a speech. Think of what she might say, and have answers ready. Focus on her, and her pain, not trying to excuse or justify what you've done.
For example: "I messed up." That won't work, you know it, she does and anyone who reads your post knows it. Saying the girls didn't matter doesn't work, cause while you're on there, you're telling your wife she didn't matter. I'd say something like, "with all the stress of having a job then loosing it over and over again, I got really lost and made a real bad choice to escape all this stress, when I should have been talking to you and we could have overcome our difficult times together." And if she begins talking about how this made her feel. Just sit there and listen without saying a word. You want her to know you really do care about how she feels.
Take care, and I hope everything works out.
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