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male
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anonymous
writes: about 3 weeks ago my wife told me she had slept with someone she had kept secret for eleven years.i knew how many people she had slept with , but why she never told me is a mystery , i think she done it while with me thats why the name was never mentioned when we had the conversation many years agoplease tell me what you think Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2005): It takes an incredible trusting, loving marriage and self-assurance on the part of both people, to openly talk about past lovers. It gives you each a sense about what you liked and didn´t like about past partners, what they did and didn´t do that made you happy. It´s a great learning exercise to help understand why you are the way you are now, and what you would like to be happy. That's the upside to talking about past lovers. However, not everyone is that conducive to openess and way too much sexual details or lack thereof, as in your case, can be hurtful. You wife did keep this one lover a secret. When we keep secrets, no matter how trustworthy we are...no matter how genuine we are-it can make a partner doubt our integrity and honesty, overall.
But before you jump to conclusions here- did you talk further and ask, if this lover was 'before' or 'after' your marriage? She may have had a good reason for her keeping this to herself...have you asked her? It could've simply been a relationship before your marriage, that was so incredibly painful-it was hard for her to talk about. Be open, be straightforward...talk to her, you have the right to know because if it does cause her pain then talking openly about it can make the bond between you both stronger.
If you don't want to talk about it to her then you have a couple options here. You can let this eat away at you as you allow it to fester away at your heart and this will eventually destroy your marriage of eleven years. Or..you can realize that this issue is the past, and if she's been an trusting, honorable, loving, good wife up to this point-is thinking about really worth the pain and sorrow it could cause? You've both been together for many years so please think about whether you want to keep this marriage growing and getting more bountiful, more wonderful. Why not just be proud and gracious to be sharing your lives with each other. Only you can choose which way that will be the healthiest way to continue conducting your marriage. Good luck and I wish you both well.
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female
reader, sarah1975uk +, writes (25 November 2005):
I know this is very upsetting for you but sometimes even if wrong and hurts people, there are things and people we have to get out of our system and the fact that she chose to be with you and is still with you shows how much she does love you and also the fact she has chosen to tell you about this other person shows how much she does respect and trust you enough to be completely honest with you. Communication to sort your feelings out is definately the key to this situation. Tell her how you feel what you want from now onwards, i hope you work this situation out!!!!
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reader, Angel-lee +, writes (25 November 2005):
Communicate with her. Ask her if she was seeing him while being with you, its the only way you will get it out of your system, she is your wife, surely you can communicate with her? if she says that she was seeing him while with you then its your decision to make, stay or go. If she says she wasnt then its shouldnt make any difference. The past is the past. All i can advice is that if she did sleep with him while with you and she doesnt feel any guilt for it then she obviously doesnt love you. good luck
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2005): I think you are an idiot. She is with you, and not the other guy. What is your problem? Are you looking for a reason to break up your relationship? Our pasts are what make us who we are today. There are many reasons for why she did not, or could not talk to you about this guy before now. Let it rest, or what you do next will give you your justly deserved reward. Love your wife. Talk to her about this guy again, and from the point of view that you are concerned that he might have really affected her, and that is why she never could talk to you about him before. It is emotional scars, and not physical attraction that stays the longest, and make people unwilling to talk about past relationships. Would you pick at something that had hurt you so much before?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2005): i am so sorry. i know u must be hurt. u must ask your self if u still luv her. its puzzling why she decided to tell u after such a long time, maybe because she is really wants your relationship to be an open and truthfully one and this was a way to improve it.i dont think u should think too much of it because she decided to come clean and this happened a long time ago. i wish u the very best and i hope this helps
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