A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is difficult but I will just say it. My wife had an affair with a person I considered my friend and got pregnant. She made arrangements with her lover (also married) and had a secret abortion one year ago. We have been married for 6 years and already had two children, the younger is 3. I just discover this by mistake and last night she confessed the whole affair. I am speechless and I do not know if I should leave her or try to say.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2013): I strongly suggest that you immediately pack up and move out and take the kids with you. Stay with family or friends. Or ask your wife to move out. This is only temporary unless you then decide to make it permanent. But you need to create an immediate space away from her while you are reeling from this shock of betrayal. You need time to yourself to adjust to the new normal which is knowing your world has been forever changed and there's no going back. You need time to yourself to process what happened and decide whether you want to continue this marriage or not. And I think during this difficult time it is best if you do not see her or be around her as that will just throw you into fresh turmoil and make it even harder to think clearly and process your feelings.
If you don't create this space from her while you're processing the news and trying to sort out your thoughts and feelings, you may artificially default to staying together even if it is not what you want or what's best for you and the kids. You are very vulnerable emotionally right now and she may manipulate you with tears and beg you not to leave her. And since you haven't yet had time to sort out your feelings you may just default to "forgiving" her due to her manipulations. Forgiveness is fine but only if it comes from a place of strength not from manipulation or a desire to have the appearance of normalcy.
Also if you don't create this immediate space from her you will be forced into dialogue with her sooner than you are ready. Dialogue is great and necessary if you are going to eventually repair the relationship but at this time when you're still reeling it is likely to be more reactionary than anything and not only be unproductive but actually cause you even more distress. You should get to control if you even want dialogue with her anymore, not to be forced into it by her presence.
So please, move out temporarily or ask her to. It is not necessarily a break up it is just so you can regain your thoughts and decide what you want to do, if you want to stay married to her or not. She created this mess, she has torn apart the family, so she does not get to protest being asked to move out.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2013): OMG I am so sorry this happened, and that you just found out!I would definitely advise you to LEAVE her. Here are the reasons:1. she is not faithful or loyal, she has already shown it2. even if she never does it again, you can never trust her again because you can never know IF she will do it again.3. not only did she have an affair, she even got pregnant. yes birth control can fail but it's also very likely were doing it without protection and who knows how many times, which puts your health at risk.4. She did not confess on her own but only because you discovered it by mistake. If you hadn't accidentally discovered, you would still not know. this is not someone you want by your side, she's a traitor.5. staying with her is just going to throw it in your face every day forever. 6. staying with her means that she had no consequences for her actions. she'll thus be more likely to hurt you again.7. I don't think she cares or respects you much, otherwise she wouldn't have had an affair. Why do you want someone who feels like this about you?8. You cannot have a normal relationship with her because of the intense pain she has caused you. Why would you continue a marriage like this?As an aside, staying together because you have kids, is a really bad idea. It prevents healing and moving on, and causes the hurt and pain to last for years and years more. It also has a high likelihood of affecting your children negatively because you're basically faking a family and lying to them. I wouldn't bother confronting the so-called "friend." Instead I would inform his wife, and she can tell him how she found out. She deserves to know.finally, you might want to get a paternity test done on your kids to see if you are their biological father. Or maybe it's better that you don't know one way or the other. Either way, there is a real possibility they are not biologically related to you - whether or not you "need" them to have your DNA or not to feel like their father is up to you, different men feel differently on this issue. if it matters to you then you should get a paternity test.
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A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (21 August 2013):
 Do right by your husband and give him the divorce that he deserves. Let him find happiness. There's going to be someone out there who respects and values him. That person isn't, and can never be, you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2013): You'd only been married for 5 years when the ennui kicked in and she started having an affair.
Knowing that she's already unhappy in your marriage at this stage, do you realistically see something drastic changing to keep her satisfied for the next 50years?
It doesn't sound like you suspected anything - so I assume you were happy or at least from your perspective things were ok. This sounds like you are completely not in sync with each other...
I wouldn't stay. I would never be able to trust her again and I would never feel adequate.
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A
male
reader, deerhunter +, writes (25 May 2013):
My friend, I cannot possibly fathom this marriage surviving. You need to be brutally honest with yourself and ask, could I really forgive an affair, then an attempt to cover it up by having an abortion, then keeping it a secret until you accidentally found out? Any one of those things would be enough for me to leave.
Get counseling, sure. That will give you the strength to leave this woman, and help you deal with the monumental betrayal you are enduring.
Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2013): You need to DNA test the two kids you have with your wife. I hate to make anything worse for you right now but you need to figure out how far her lies go. She only fessed up to the affair at all because she got caught. How do you know this was her only affair? She might still be lying to you about more other men. In fact she might even be keeping other affairs secret from the man you do know about. She might be lying about what she has done in the past. Etc. The point is you cannot trust her word on anything right now. Maybe she can earn back your trust in the future (or maybe not.) But you would be a sucker to just trust what she tells you right now. Get your kids DNA tested. Demand that you and your wife both get tested for STIs. I understand that all this may not be necessary. But I think you need to react to her betrayal by covering your own ass first. She has shown you a massive lack of respect and you need to start demanding that respect back, both for the good of your relationship with her and for your own self respect. Forget about her feelings for a little while and worry about yourself first and foremost. THEN when you know the size of the problem and you have had some time to reflect, you can start thinking about what you want to do about it. As for your male "friend" . . kick him out of your life, no second chances.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2013): I had an affair. We produced a daughter out of that affair. I was going to have an abortion...I'm greatful I didn't. She is wonderful, beautiful, happy little girl and I love her.
Her biological dad is not involved with her...that is a long story.
My husband knows the true. Your story is much like my own. My husband has forgiven me, loves HIS daughter as his own. He loves me....I on the other hand struggle with the confusion I have caused for so many people. I struggle in staying in the marriage. Only you can make that decision. You know what is good for you. I'm truly lucky to have my husband who supports me unconditionally.
Blessed
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (24 May 2013):
if I were you one question would enter my mind straightaway, and Im not trying to make things worse for you by writing this. how did she know for sure it was his baby, or did she even know? the other posters have given great answers but this was not mentioned and it was in the forefront of my mind while reading, best of luck to you whatever you decide
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2013): Its not that unusual for people to have extramarital sex, and the result of sex is often pregnancy. So although you are totally shocked to learn this you are certainly not alone. As already mentioned, most women just let the husband assume he is the father.Something must have been missing in your relationship to provide the opportunity for your "friend" to jump in bed with your wife. Now more is missing. Only you, and your wife, can work out if there is still a chance to make your family work.How long has the friend been on the scene? How much do you still not know? Whilst your wife has owned up to some of the truth it is unlikely to be the whole truth.Whatever you do you have to really control your anger and actions, firstly for your childrens sake (you are sure tjey are yours?) but also in consideration of future possible events. If you go crazy, and most people would understand that, you may find your wife divorcing you!Yoy need some time, and you need someone to talk to.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 May 2013):
 Dear OP,
ONLY you can decide if you will forgive her. You will never forget this betrayal and to be honest your trust level with your wife will never return to what it was in the past.
My parent's marriage survived an affair but not with a friend of the wronged party and they had grown children and had been together 25 years already.
YOU have a double whammy of your wife and your friend betraying you.
I will not tell you how to feel or what to think, but my advice is this:
get yourself into PRIVATE therapy to figure out what you want to do and if you want to try to save the marriage (with ONE mistake no matter how big AND small children involved, you may find you want to and can save the marriage) or if you want to end it now.
Ending the marriage is no crime at this point, and neither is saving it if that's what you want.
Once YOU figure out what YOU want to do (what she wants is irrelevant till you know what YOU want) then you go from there.
IF you want to try to save the marriage, then you both need counseling privately AND as a couple.
If you end the marriage, you can still be a very involved and active and GOOD father to your children if your ex wife has custody. Or you could try to get custody of your children based on a morals charge but that in the USA is hard to do, most states prefer the mother to have custody.
My one rule: DO NOT stay together for the sake of the children. DO NOT stay with her because it's easier or cheaper (it is) STAY because you can forgive (NOT FORGET) and because you love her and want to... any other reason to say is a lousy reason.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (24 May 2013):
 if you decide to leave her or stay it will have to be your own decision . for me it would be very hard to accept, and forgive her. i am sorry you are going through this. its one thing for her to cheat on you, but its all down too total deception trying to cover up her tracks by getting the abortion, and trying to keep it from you. as far as your now " ex friend his wife should know that he has been sc^^ing around on her", she should have the right to know the truth about her husband cheating on her. the thing is with her cheating and trying to cover it up, will you ever be able to trust her again? will you have in the back of your mind while your at work, or away "what has she been doing while i am away "??? the thing is will you be able to trust her again, and if you decide to stay i would suggest marriage counseling to start with, and either way kick your ex-friend out of your life's.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (24 May 2013):
Dear OP,
This situation must be terrible for you, with such a dishonest wife and friend who betrayed you so horribly behind your back.
You will need some time in order to figure things out. Maybe you could stay somewhere else, at a friends' place, at your parents', at a hotel, to get a time out and not always be around your wife. You can tell your kids you need to go on a business trip.
You need a real person to talk to about this, it's not enough to do that over the internet. You need someone to share this pain with you and help you see more clear about what to do next.
I hope you will recover soon from this shock and I'm sorry you have to go through this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2013): Quite a few women would have just birthed the child of the affair and let you think it was yours. After everything she has done wrong, I give your wife some credit for not doing that too. Nobody likes the idea of an abortion but I think it was the right move in this case.
I think some counseling would be a good idea whether you decide to stay with her or not. Even if you decide to divorce your two children would be much better off seeing their parents on civil friendly terms.
I would vote to get divorced. If you stay together then it will probably mean a big loss of either your self-respect or your respect for her. Neither choice makes for a very healthy marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2013): This must have been the most devastating moment of your life. I'm sorry you had to go through this. I can't even imagine how you felt when you heard about the affair and the abortion. At least the truth came out and your wife confessed the whole affair. Has she ended the affair after the abortion? do you know if she is still seeing that guy? You really need to talk to her about the affair, sit her down find out about what happened? let her know how you are hurt? ask her why was she looking for love else where? was she not getting enough attention from you? were you constantly busy travelling and she was looking for someone who can give her the attention she is lacking from you as a husband at home? are you willing to give her a 2nd chance. would you consider marriage counselling?I hope this helps. Good luck and all the best
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2013): No one knows better than you, the depth of love you have for your wife. The question is, do you have it in you to forgive her?She has a husband and children. She didn't put her marriage before an affair with your best friend! You were betrayed on two fronts. Neither took the feelings of their spouses into consideration, and tragically tore their families apart. You have to decide what is best for the children.I don't want to advise you on what to do about your wife or your friend. I want to console you for the deep pain you must feel. I hope that you don't do anything foolish and risk losing the custody of your children by doing anyone any harm. This is a lot for anyone to handle. The emotions may be overwhelming, but keep your kids in mind, no matter what decision you make. The love and they need you.You need time to grieve, and get over the shock. Then you can think rationally. Don't do anything out of rage.Don't talk to either of them until you are sure you are able to contain your anger and conduct yourself in a way that you will keep the police out of your domestic situation. Don't offer the slightest opportunity to turn this all around on you. She knows she's on the hot seat.Don't shout or display your anger in front of your children. They are innocent and do not understand anything that is going on. They should never cower in fear, while witnessing their father screaming in anger, or threatening their mother. That could scar them for life and jeopardize your custody rights. The Dept. of Child Services could remove them from your home. Avoid domestic violence at all costs.That is the only advice I can offer you.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (24 May 2013):
I wouldn't be able to ever forgive my wife if she did that. It's one thing to make a mistake, but it sounds like she had another relationship on the side. The fact that she didn't even bother to use protection would make it worse for me.
You're still perfectly capable of being a great dad with a great relationship with your children. But face it. Your wife knew that she was risking everything when she did this, and she still did it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2013): Tough break mate. All I can say is once trust is gone it never really comes back.
The time that I stayed with a cheating spouse was the worst decision of my life. So much resentment, so many unanswered questions and so much wasted time.
I personally would never make a martyr out of myself and stay. Your kids will be ok either way if you keep loving them and dont let any annimosity and bitterness build.
Staying will likely do this. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2013): You poor poor man. You must be in shock right now. I doubt you will be able to make a decision today or even tomorrow. You need to process this first. What you 'should' do, no one can tell you. There is no right or wrong decision here - only your decision that's best for you, your kids, your family, etc. I can tell you, that your wife's selfishness is tremendous. To do something so horrible behind your back, with your 'friend' to say the least, and then to abort a baby created. I can't fathom just how selfish this woman is. Does she have a mental illness? I'm very sorry you are going through this. Keep calm and sane. Remove yourself from the situation while you think. Seek counsel, seek a lawyer, seek a therapist...start processing this. Your final decision what to do might be months or even a year away. This will be difficult, but you can get through this.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (24 May 2013):
 First thing to do is contact your former friend and let him know he is no longer welcome in your house or near your children. Also let him know he needs to decide if he is going to tell his wife or if he would prefer you to do it.
As for your wife this is such a major deception and betrayal only you can decide what to do. Personally I suggest some good quality counselling, if not for both of you then just for you.
Hopefully you will be able to discover what on earth made her think this was an okay thing to do. Whatever happens do not make rash decisions, take your time to consider every angle.
Professional counselling will help you both determine what you both want,you are both still young,and may have different goals and dreams from each other. The counsellor will try and help you find a meeting point, or come to a decision it wont work.
Whatever you do, don't decide to stay together for the sake of the children. Resentment will grow and any love left will die if you take that path.
There are many stong marriages that survive this, you both need to decide if that is what you want, and then get to work. She needs to understand the trust that has been destroyed was built over a long period of time, and will not happen again quickly.
I wish you all well, whichever path you decide to take
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2013): I am sorry you had to go through this. You seem to be a very loving and caring husband. This must be a devastating situation, i can't even imagine how you felt when you heard about the affair and the abortion. At least it came out now and she confessed the whole affair. Has she ended the affair after the abortion? do you know if she is still seeing that guy? You really need to talk to her about the affair, sit her down find out what happened? let her know how you are hurt? ask her why was she looking for love else where? was she not getting enough attention from you? were you constantly busy travelling and she found someone who can give her the attention she is lacking at home? are you willing to give her a 2nd chance. would you consider marriage counselling?I hope that helps. Good luck and all the best
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