A
male
age
41-50,
*illyRayValentine
writes:My wife and I have been together for 6 years, married for 4 years. My wife has been with between 60 and 70 men between the age of 18 and 30. She had one 3 year relationship during that time. About 90% of her past sexual experiences were just hookups, just sex once or twice thats it.We had some issues when we first got together. She openly flirted with other men while we would be out together. Very touchy feely way. I called her on this and over time she did acknowledge it and stopped doing it. I say this because I believe my wife to have been a big attention whore.I have been with a total of 16 women including my wife. Most also just hookups 2 girlfriends.When we got married we both agreed to keep the past in the past and not be in contact for any reason with past lovers, we were not friends with them when we got together.Like most couples my wife and I have talked about our first sexual experiences when we were kids. Her's involved a guy 4 years older than her when she was 18.So fast forward 4 years of marriage and my wife becomes friends with her first sex partner when she was 18 years old on Facebook. Even though we both agreed to not be in contact with past sex partners. They start talking in private email immediatly catching up from the past.Basically the emails back and forth are very flirty between the two of them, but nothing sexual. Over about five days they exchange several emails, life updates to each other. When on the 5th day my wife sends the EX a very sexy photo of herself in a skimpy bikini. This is a picture she does not have on Facebook or displayed around the house.The Ex of course replies back to send him more pictures like that! She ends up deleting her emails back and forth to the Ex the following day including the picture she sent.At no time did she come forward with this information voluntarily. I confronted her about it and she broke down applogizing for getting in contact with him, and does not know why she sent the picture. She advised the following day after sending it she realized it was wrong and went back to delete all the information she sent.Now I do have access to her Facebook page which is how I know all this went down. I don't have my own, I'm only on Facebook maybe once a month at best, and my family is on her friends list, so I check on to see family updates. I just so happend to see this guys name on the home page the day they became friends and it clicked. So I checked up on her knowing something must be up because of our past agreement.We had always agreed to not be in contact with past sex partners, they were not our friends when we met and could only potentially do harm while together. What good would come of it? Obvioulsy this is the proof why.So what do I do, I really don't trust her now. Plus when confronted about it she did not admit to sending the photo assuming I had not seen that before she deleted that message?My thoughts go to a place of who knows what she would have done should she have run into him in public, at a bar, happy hour? This is a big issue for me because when we first got together as girlfriend/boyfriend she said she stopped talking to her prior boyfriend. Only to find out a month later they had been talking several times a week. We got past that, forgave her, but now she's pulled this stuff? What should I do? I really just don't trust her now.
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male
reader, Beautifulboy +, writes (7 November 2012):
omg. billyrayvalentine.. i know this posting is 6 months old and may be too late but gET OUT NOW DUDE. GET OUT NOW WHILE YOU STILL CAN. thanks to 2 years with my EX, EXXXXX for a reason. this is all too farmiliar. your wife has messed with over 70 guys an in relation to the guy that made the comment.. "YOU CANT turn a hoe into a housewife!" hes right but by diff means. she must have had a bad insecure childhood either without a dad, or having a dad, or never getting attention from boys growing up which makes her feel insuperior to other girls and ugly an makes her insecurities even worse. 98% chance that your wife had a bad up bringing an that causes lifelong immaturity in most woman an they havent grown up yet. still a kid in the head therefore not thinking like an adult about certain situations will lead them to do childish, selfish things aka doing what is wrong to get attention by any means from a guy that she used to want to want her or a guys attention she currently wants. her insecurities are going to put you through THE WORST PAIN EVER if your in love with her. most likely she will cheat, text multiple guys, always need attention ALWAYS ALWAYS will need to feel sexy, beautiful, loved,, cared about, appreciated, like she matters, that shes not a bad person, that god loves her, that you only want her!! the list goes on and on an its impossible for one guy to make this happen. trust me. the second one of those is out of sync, she tries to fill the void with ANYONE that has that missing piece an any1 that has that attention. this is common among THOSE WHO ARE BROKEN..BROKEN CANTbe fixed. the only way she could be with one guy aka you is if you revolve your whole day planning things to show her you love her and care, tell her 20 times a day that you care, only want her, that shes beautiful and sexy, an that you love her! which is impossible in a relationship. a normal relationship. why do i know she will cheat?? hhmmm because not to sound concieted but, i acted this way with my ex the 1st 2 months we were tgether. i SHOWERED HER with love attention care affection sex.. i did it all because i am a sweet an sensitive guy and when i fall in love its done. im a goner. i look at the one i love like a queen. rub my fingers thru her hair as we lay in bed an tell her shes the most gorgeous girl in the world an tell her how much i love her AS i kis her on the cheeks an tell her how lucky i am to have her an this is an all night cycle. now i have been told by multiple girls that i am a 10 out of 10 in the face. in the young brad pitt young tom cruise league i swear to god.. i am very very attractive and i have a great body, I have a great job, huge penis, very good at sex, best kisser, great at oral, and last but not least.. i am the opposite of the first thought to a girl about appearance thinking im a player just with 1 glance. i act the way towards them listed above.. cuddeling kissing an treating them like gold. girls that date me say im the perfect man. i know nobodys perfect but this is what ive been told. neways, my ex was plus sized, beautiful face but had a bad childhood an hateful mother forced herself to believe she was the ugliest thing ever an that no1 would ever love her. this is the girl i fell for.. very very bad judgement on my part btw i am faithfull in relationships.. dumb ol me.. well i admitted i loved her one day, little did i know that she may be the most insecure girl in the world. she got scared shitless wen i admitted i loved her an now admits that she thought it was a sick joke at the beginning an thought i was laughing with my friends at her.. poor girl didnt know i was realy in love with her cuz shes a bigger, insecure childhood traumatized girl. its still hurts me. well i didnt know about the attention issues an how ppl could actualy need it 100% of the day to make their security override their insecure. its a sickness. well months later i found out she started lying to me. i asked for the truth an got denied. she hid who she was because for those VERY FEW TIMES THAT ONLY LASTED SECONDS she thought i may realy love her, she thought being honest would lose me but truth is, i was sooo in love i would have forgave her cheating on me.. overtime i started to get distant. but this was a year later after getting hurt lied to an cheated on the whole time. its a cycle for her. im distant wen she gets home an she thinks i know about her cheating so she gets insecure im going to leave her, an scared cuz she loves me, an cant help her sickness so she secretly text guys to flatter her. diff guys to want her sexually. then diff guys that text her about moving in with him so she wont be alone when i break her heart. thats crazy right. as i just sit on the couch tearing up knowing what shes doing to me an i love her.. it will never stop. the more insecure she gets the more she will hurt you.. its that she loves you an gets so attached to you an freaks out, an gets insecure that you will leave so she has guys to forfill her everyneed which is alot of guys so shes not all alone.. breaking my heart due to her everyday battle in her head of insecurities. an billyvalentine, your girl still wants that guy who took her virginity to want her now. its self esteem an attention issues plus a mix of alot more reasons that are deep down in her. since the guy played her back then an didnt want her, she wants to be liked an wanted by him now as well because she never had what she wanted from him.. Garauntee you that if this guy text her stuff like i still care, i think i love you, i want to be with you, your beautiful, an text me when you get home to make sure you got their safe.. YOU would be in serious trouble an would be cheated on .. matter of fact, if ANYBODY ANY GUY said that stuff you would be in trouble. its how these girls are. i call them girls cuz thats exactly what they are cuz dad wasent there to teach them how to grow up and handle male attention in a positive way. also if a guy is like i want your body bad or please have sex with me i want you soo bad.. your again in trouble. key word to those comments?? WANT I WANT YOU GIRL FEELS MORE WANTED BY OTHER GUY SEXUALLY THEN YOU... do you get it? unless its 100% attention in 100% of every way and 100% of everyday YOUR IN TROUBLE. the reason i listed how im good lokking an close to perfect earlier is because of my final point... If im this goodlooking, kiss all day kiss all night an worshipped her an great in bed an got cheated on due to her insecurities what does that tell you.. i must not have been texting her every minute telling her how beautiful she was how much i loved her how much i care and how much i only want her while she went to the bar but told me she was sleeping.. no win situation girls. scared to tell me shes at the bar so i dont constantly text her cuz thought she was going to bed so she gets drunk at the bar an gets insecure thinking i stopped texting cuz im with a girl or i dont love her or im ugly and my bf is just using me for sex.. NO WIN NO WIN if i knew she was at bar i would have attentiated the shit out of her.. no win... get out now or attend years of couples therapy with her when she really needs years of psychotherapy solo... run run run took me 2 years to know all. an im here to tell you.. good luck billy
A
male
reader, lukefortender +, writes (11 April 2012):
If i were i'd contact someone of my ex's and do the same or something like. Call a escort girl, a call girl and pretend to be your old ex girlfriend and add on facebook and do the same, or try to find your really better ex girlfriend and talk to her. She needs to feel in skin what is doing with your heart, my friend. But is better you not pay the bad with the bad but pay the bad with the good, she'll regret one day, just pray to GOd take care of her and will apologize you, i hope!
Be stronge, life is not good, we come through problems everyday!
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A
male
reader, BillyRayValentine +, writes (5 April 2012):
BillyRayValentine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone for responding with some great insight.We talked for several hours today and basically got some answers from her.Basically, this was her thinking. He contacted her on Facebook, she would never contact him or anybody else. When he contacted me I never thought I would except, but when he did I was curious to what he had to say. Simply this was the 1st guy I really crushed over for 4 years throughout High School. When I turned 18 he had sex with me and I thought he was finally my boyfriend. Well come to find out after 4 or 5 weeks of hooking up I found out that he already had a girlfriend.He is married now to that girlfriend, she said she never wanted to get back together with him just really curious what he was up to now and wanted to let him know what she was up, married and happy ect ect, and maybe he would admit to how badly he treated her after 4 years of flirting and hanging out.However she said while emailing back and forth over several days and not telling me about it she knew it was wrong and new I would be mad because of the contact. She says she should have included me in the contact to see if it was ok and let me be apart of it, if she was curious what he had to say.Now not blaming alcohol, but she had been drinking a bit, she was up late on Facebook and decided to send him a picture that really showed off how hot she turned out. She was no longer that skinny flat blond he knew back then.She went to bed and woke up the next morning and new that she went too far and it got way out hand. She went to the computer erased what she emailed to him and observed what he had wrote back that morning which was "Send me more photos like that. She says she felt disgusted with herself and was deleting him as a friend on Facebook. She says she should have never been in contact with him, and she very sorry for sending the picture. But, says it in no way was trying to get things started with him, it was more showing off, which being married was very innappropriate.Anyway thats what I got out of her so far. Our relationship really was very good before all this. I was not worried at all about her cheating. But now I can't help but wonder?? The keeping it from me, breaking a promise, and not telling the truth when confronted the first time about it.Time will tell, counseling, talking, more time, and see how things go. I don't think you divorce over this incident, but if anything even close happens again, she's out!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 April 2012):
 I wasn't sure how I wanted to respond till I read the replies which I don't always do.... but I think that the best one is that
YOUR WIFE NEEDS CONSTANT POSITIVE ATTENTION and for some reason she felt it lacking in the marriage so she went looking for it from someone else (hence the bikini picture)
I do not think for a second she is planning to cheat on you physically but I do think that she requires the emotional ego stroking from the ex that she can't get from you being that you see her daily and it's not new and exciting and forbidden.
I agree that some couples counseling is a good idea.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (4 April 2012):
 Don't connect her number of sexual partners with this behaviour. In fact: it's telling that the guy she's been in touch with is one of the few that means something to her! A meaningless one night stand is not going to inspire you to reconnect after 20 years. And from personal experience I have seen people with very few partners cheat in relationships, and people with many stay faithful.
But... what she did is wrong and is naturally going to set off your insecurities. My ex did the same to me and it set in place a slow gradual collapse of our relationship that included me behaving increasingly badly too.
Do you want to stay with her? If so you have to trust her and forgive her. Otherwise you will just stew on this and drive yourself and her crazy. But she sure owes you a big apology, and also should not resent you feeling jealous and hence paying rather close attention to her communications for a while.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (4 April 2012):
With all due respect and I'm not really trying to be funny or insulting, but have you ever heard, "You can't make a ho a housewife"? She honestly sounds like my best friend. She's had probably about as many sex partners as your wife but she tends to stay out of relationships because as she says, she knows she'll cheat. However, not everyone tries to have that "courtesy."
Like you said, I think your wife needs constant attention. Even if it's bad attention, she likes it. I think you can talk to her about it over and over again, but it really won't register with her. So I agree with counseling, but I'm afraid with being sneaky like this behind your back (and it not being the first time), the future looks a little bleak.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (4 April 2012):
 Helloshe is no good at relationship bounderies and needs to be taught before it wrecks your marriage. your trust is shaken by her attitude and actionsi agree its off to the counseller you need to go good luck xx
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (4 April 2012):
 Hi billyrayvalentine,
Sorry that you are going through this with your wife after being together for so many years. You are a good guy, forgave her, and promise each other to put the past behind and be loyal to each other for now on. I am going to be honest with you, reading your post, in regards to your wife past, she does like attention from men for sure. I guess this is who she is and nothing can change that, this is not about therapy, it's just the way she is. I have to agree with you that, what if you didn't find out? What if they actually meet? Who knows what can happen? You talked to her about past relationships, flirting, and she agreed with you? See, to me it's not about talking, you guys did that before. The only hope here is for her to understand, and she needs to be able to control her bondaries on her own... Talking to her, asking her will not stop, she needs to make the decision on her own.... I hope she can change for you....
Good luck and best wishes
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 April 2012):
 "Babe, we had an agreement that there would be no contact with previous partners. This has shaken my faith in you. I guess it means that we need some counseling. Let's go. I've made an appointment with x at z time."
Off you go, to counseling.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (4 April 2012):
 trust is a touchy subject and a consistent lack of trust can lead to jealousy which just eats you up. I guess you've got to talk to your wife and see if you can agree about this. but you already have so it make you wonder whether it will get better. an ex contacted me once by email and we exchanged a few emails quite tame ones. my wife went crazy with jealousy. sounds like your wife just needs to know the rules but if she's going behind your back you'll never know.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 April 2012):
 She apologized to you but her response wasn't satisfying. She didn't know why she did it, meaning it could happen again because she wasn't trying her best to reassure you. Ask her if she is happy in the marriage, is one man not enough for her. Maybe she enjoys the benefits of a marriage, and that it is the right proper thing for a woman to do but emotionally she is not built for loyalty? Make it sound like you are not accusing her, but you are thinking of her well being, because, some people are simply not happy in a monogamy setting. Then you can tell her flirting with other people are not acceptable and if it happens again you will divorce her.
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