A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have asked my wife for 10 years to do the same sex acts that she did with her ex boyfriend but she refuses. She had sex with him daily and with me 3 times a month. I feel hurt and inferior to him. Is it ok that she denies me but wanted to please him with these acts?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 February 2015):
 Why did you marry her and why have you stayed for 9 1/2 years after she told you you were awful in bed?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2015): Well, divorce her; and let her go do it with him. Once you're single again; go find yourself a woman who likes to do all the sexual things you like. Or, have an affair to show her you can get it anyway. Why stay married to someone who is mean to you; and doesn't give you what you want? You've got options.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (9 February 2015):
 OP...You say you always give and never receive. Do we know how that feels...Yes I do. I was the one giving and never receiving...Guess what I found out...I was not giving what she wanted. I gave what I thought would get me sex, and when that didn't work, I got angry and resentful. Being angry and resentful always fixes everything, and gave me more sex...NOT!!!Guess what happen when I was not angry and resentful, and treat her the way I wanted to be treat...oh yeah...sex. When I loved her without sex as much as I loved her with sex, I got more sex. When I was fixated on sex, I lost all the other things that goes with a relationship. Sex is the reward for doing all the other things needed in a relationship...not the whole point of being in a relationship.Men and women can get sex anywhere. But not everyone has the emotional connection we need. Those that do, we marry them. But we lose sight of that when we become fixated on one thing.If your wife's ex was all that, she would have married him, not you. Even if he broke up with her, she would have found someone else just like. She let go of the past, so should you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2015): Tell her you put a lot more effort into romancing your ex. You took her on vacations, expensive dinners and dates, gifts, etc. But now you are over it. You no longer want to put that much effort into someone else. In fact you only did those things for her because you lacked the self-esteem to refuse. Now your wife should be honored that you feel loved enough to not do all those things for her too. (Mod note: putting this through though it isn't clear exactly what this poster is trying to say. Please explain further, anon.)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 February 2015):
 So leave her? That IS an option, you know?
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (9 February 2015):
'I am the one that gives and never receives. Nobody knows how that feels.'About 90% of the men I have been with have taken without giving back, and judging by the conversations I have with my friends I'm not the only one, so there are many out there who know how that feels. The difference is, we accepted that's the way these people are and left. Why are you still with her? The way you talk about your wife sounds like you are one stop away from pure hatred, so why don't you leave if she's that bad?'Her own words was she want to do it with him and has no desire to do it with me.'Then you ACCEPT that. You don't have to stay, but what you must do is realise that you can't force/persuade/pressure/convince her to do anything she doesn't want to do. She has said no. That is her right. It's your right to leave and look for someone else if you are not happy with that, but it's not your right to demand anything sexual from her. The thing you are failing to realise is that acting the way you are will make her even less likely to do what you want as you are disregarding her feelings totally. She may be as selfish and horrible as you describe, but that doesn't mean her feelings don't matter. It means you move on and find someone nicer and more suited to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's hard for me understand why you all are on her side when I cater to her every need. She wants for nothing and she will tell you that. She is very happy. I on the other hand am told no and I don't want you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 February 2015):
Why did you marry her and why have you stayed for 9 1/2 years after she told you you were awful in bed?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's always been about her and not me. I give and never receive. No one knows how that feels. Her own words was she want to do it with him and has no desire to do it with me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2015): Okay, a Pandora's Box has been opened in your marriage; and you're now fixated on what happened long before your time.
People's taste and styles change over the course of 10 years, my dear fellow! So has her mind, body, and system of values. She's a wife, and possibly the mother of your child(ren). What she did sexually as a single-woman, doesn't suit her mindset, age, or life-style as it is now.
Guess what? People exaggerate and embellish stories of the past. They add and subtract facts, inflate things out of proportion, and flat-out lie. You pissed your wife off somehow, and she is playing with your head. Women do that sometimes in retaliation for off-color commentary about their bodies, left-handed compliments, sneaky insults, and just for the hell-of-it!
Your wife is playing a mean/sexy little mind-game for whatever reason; and she has now learned a new button to push. Perhaps just to get you more needy and more creative sexually; because your technique is repetitive, boring, or you get-off too fast. Maybe it turns her on to see you beg for it. She has a hint of Dominatrix in her blood. She may have even discovered you use porn behind her back.
Maybe vindictiveness is the main reason she would share something like this with her husband. Who knows?
The sooner you let this play-out, the better off you'll both be. She's your mate and partner, and knows how to push your buttons. Do some brain rewinding and think about some knuckle-headed things you've said and done. Then add them all up, and the total is what she laid on you. It brought you to this site.
Let it go! You weren't there to video a documentary of your wife's past sex-life with her ex. So all you know is hearsay. I think she's having a laugh with her girlfriends about all this.
Somehow she ended-up his ex, and your wife. Does that matter to you at all?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have always asked and never forced her. Read my post. I am the one that gives and never receives. Nobody knows how that feels.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2015): Hmmm... I'm not giving any advice...I'm just genuinely confused- is it your wife OF 10 years (i.e. you've been married for 10 years) or you've been pressurising your now wife to do this sexual stuff for the past ten years?If the latter-crikey!!! And how is the 10 years argument invalid? How did she "just" do those things with her now ex? Did you just get married?Sorry,OP, but with only 3 jumbled lines to go in your original question,you don't give much context neither are you very clear on what sorta advice you wanted.TBH, from your reply- you sound a bit like a petulant child! Like a child who didn't get his lollipop but oh,he sooo wants the lollipop! You sound like: "Why can James Doe have the lollipop but I can't?" Desperation and resentment are not a nice combination... And not sexy.And it doesn't sound like you are looking for advice- it sounds like you were looking for a way to get YOUR way of thinking confirmed,so that you can go back to her and say something equally childish,e.g. "See you are being totally unreasonable for not doing what I asked you to do! Everybody thinks so!" And when that did NOT happen...well.Sorry to have to clarify this for you,but this is no way to convince ANYONE to do something you want them to do. Pressurising her won't get her in the mood.If you decide to answer-may I ask you an honest question? Did you marry your now wife in the hope that she will finally be doing those sexual things to you? (i.e. the ones she did for James Doe?)Coz that's not a good reason to marry somebody...The Nonny
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (9 February 2015):
 To be blunt you sound very self obsessed.
All I read is me me me me me me.
You sound like a spoilt child who isn't getting his own way.
Just because she did it with him, doesn't mean she ENJOYED IT. Perhaps she did it because she felt she had to. She tried it, and didn't like it. And never wants to do it again. That is her choice.
Yes, you do need to respect her feelings for not wanting to perform a sex act. If you FORCE her to do something she doesn't want to do, that is tantamount to rape.
You don't say what sex acts they are that you feel you are entitled to have - but the point is you are not entitled. Sex is about two people, both people are equally important and it is not just about satisfying YOUR needs.
Why would these sex acts make any difference to how your needs are met?
It sounds like you are not sexually compatible. You want more/different to what she is prepared to give, so you have a choice. Forcing is not an option.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (9 February 2015):
'So your saying I need to respect her feelings of not wanting to preform the sex acts I have asked for right after she did them with her ex'
Yes.
'And she should ignore my needs.'
You are ignoring her needs/wants too, so you are even on that front.
If you don't like it, leave. That is if she doesn't dump your sorry ass first due to your ridiculous sense of entitlement and lack of concern for how she feels.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have asked her why. Her response is she wanted to do those things with him and she doesn't want to do them with me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do focus on her. That's part of the problem all focus is on her and none on me. Why should I have to do everything she wants and she does nothing I want?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't ask her! She volunteered the info.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo your saying I need to respect her feelings of not wanting to preform the sex acts I have asked for right after she did them with her ex, so the argument 10 years things have changed is not valid, and she should ignore my needs. You sound just like her!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo your saying I need to respect her feelings of not wanting to preform the sex acts I have asked for right after she did them with her ex, so the argument 10 years things have changed is not valid, and she should ignore my needs. You sound just like her!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2015): I even don't know why you need to go to that extent to ask about her sexual position with her ex! I would refuse to do it if my husband ask me the same way that you asked your wife!
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (9 February 2015):
Dear OP,
When a woman starts a relationship with a man, there's no contract to be signed by either of the two about which sex act needs to be performed on them how often.
Sex should always be consensual and pleasant for both partners. And if she doesn't want to do something with you.. you need to accept that. Because you would also want your boundaries to be respected, right?
There are several possible reasons why your partner did some things with the other man, that she doesn't want to do with you.
1) Her taste might have genuinely changed. I also have different preferences than I had 10 years ago. She might have decided this particular act isn't sexy for her anymore.
2) She might have been freshly in love with her ex and still experimenting, while as in a long-term relationship, it's less adventurous and maybe people make less effort, especially after 10 yrs.
3) She might have become less horny than when she was younger
4) She might have less self-confidence or ability to perform said act, than 10 years ago
5) Her ex might have done something to inspire her to do this sexual act, that you don't do (I don't know what we're talking about, so.. but just an example: Depending on a mans' personal hygiene, I'm more or less compelled to do certain things)
6) etc. etc.
The bottom line is: You have no right to claim that she needs to do the same stuff with you as she did with your ex. She's a free person. BUT maybe it would help you if you found out her reasons, because maybe there's something that can be done to make her enjoy said thing again.
AND you are a free person too. If you can't be happy unless you get that particular sex act, then you are free to break up.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (9 February 2015):
Yes. If she tried something in her past and no longer wishes to do it, for ANY reason, then you have no right to expect it or pressure her to do it.
It kind of begs the question though - why would you want her to do something she doesn't want to do? Sex is only fun when both people are enjoying it. It also sounds like you care more about the fact she did them with someone else than the acts themselves, which is the wrong reason to want to do something. Because she tried something with someone else before you doesn't mean she loved them more, it means she tried it and no longer wishes to do it. That's it.
Incidentally, how do you know so much about their sex life?
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (9 February 2015):
Who care about what your wife did with her ex??? You are making yourself inferior, not her do it to you.What are you doing to make your wife come to you daily?? Do you give her all the love and attention she needs? Do you go above and beyond to help her out? Do you know what she likes in bed and go out of your way to please HER?If all YOU care about is what YOU want, when YOU want it...hence your problem.Want to make her have sex with you everyday? FOCUS on HER. Not her ex, or pass sexual life, or YOUR needs. The here and now...her needs.So many men want to have sex all the time, but do nothing to get the woman to be interested in having sex, then complain.There is two kinds of sex...rabbit sex (as I call it) and OMG sex. Rabbit sex is when you hump as much as you can, where ever you can. OMG sex may happen once or twice a week...why? Because she can't handle any more orgasms (Notice I said she). And when you make it that good for her, because you FOCUS all your energy in make her speak another language...She will come back for more as much as you are willing to give it.Take your time, spend some time, and make her remember every last time. :) Real good sex is not about how many time you got some, it's about how much pleasure you gave her. When you FOCUS on that...you will be rewarded. :)This my sound like all crap talk... but tested and proven...Ask any woman what kind sex they would like most of the time. Not saying rabbit sex doesn't have it's fun advantages. But they would love that KABOOM orgasm over two minutes of humping. Go ask your wife.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (9 February 2015):
 Ever wondered if she felt she HAD to do things she didn't really want to do? Or that it was easier TEN YEARS ago?
Have you ASKED, not accused, her why?
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