A
male
age
51-59,
*arianovolpe
writes:I met my wife when she was 40 (now she is 46). She told me that, among almost 30 previous sex partners, I am her best lover. I can not believe her. My penis is only 5 inches and normal thickness. I am not bad in bed, but I know I am not the best. Why she insists on lying? I am a smart person and I have told her 100 times that I can stand rhe true, but she does not want to tell me who was her best lover. Any advise?
View related questions:
my penis Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, shrodingerscat  +, writes (17 August 2013):
 You started coming here November of 2012. Every thread you've started has been the same thing.
Here's the deal. I am going to encourage the other Aunts and Uncles to not reply to you any more. If you have, over the last year, not learned anything through your multiple similar threads, THERE IS NOTHING WE CAN TEACH YOU.
Here's a tip: The only way you can get over this is with therapy. WE. CANNOT. HELP. YOU.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): You managed to get 46 responses so far, and it appears no one realizes how arrogant and utterly vain of a man you are.
You will keep this going endlessly. Maybe you aren't her greatest lover.
From your persistence, you are her most insecure. Screaming, yelling, and flailing about is how someone possessed by a demon may respond. It can all be faked. If it would please you, ask her to scream and flail about and tell you "who's the daddy." Then you will be satisfied because 46 responses hasn't gotten through your skull up to now. I sense a mental disorder; but everyone has humored you thus far. Myself included.
When a man can't make his penis grow any longer, he needs his ego inflated to makeup for the shortage. Is this one of those cases?
Go buy yourself a fabulous sports car.
It does wonders for men who are insecure about the size of their penis. That is what's behind this ridiculous nonsense.
You can also purchase a strap-on; or stuff a sock in it.
Please don't make a mockery of this site. We truly wanted to help you.
...............................
A
male
reader, Marianovolpe +, writes (16 August 2013):
Marianovolpe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOp here: "so very confused" first off I really appreciate your comments. The reason I believe I am not her best in bed is thst she has already had vaginal orgasms with other men...ok, she says "well, I never has had 'practically' vaginal orgasms eith others, don't worry". I wasn't able to make her orgasm in that way, never. On the other hand, she has done sexual things with other men that she does not with me. Also at the begining if our relathionship she mentioned several times the penis size of some of their partners. In addition she told me that some of them have been very good in bed. If I put all together, I do not believe her when she says I am her best lover and his best in bed. And maybe that is the basis of my disconfort and my lack of trust in her.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 August 2013):
 OP you are correct both foreplay and afterplay are important for good lovemaking.
Where you fail is your belief that your wife screaming and having orgasms makes you a good lover. It does not. Some women do not orgasm from intercourse and fewer from oral or manual stimulation of the clitoris. Orgasms for many women are elusive during sex. I am one of them. If a man were to judge his prowess on his ability to bring me to orgasm he would judge himself a total failure. This does not mean I do not enjoy lovemaking with my husband, it just means my body is wired in such a way that it requires very specific movements that I have learned over the last 55 years that he can’t muster. It’s not a failing on his part. It’s not a failing on my part. It just is what it is.
You do not trust your wife. Why is it that you do not trust her? what has she done TO YOU to make you not trust her?
...............................
A
male
reader, Marianovolpe +, writes (16 August 2013):
Marianovolpe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is a recent feeling. I I feel that she lies about my sex performance I think that she can cheat on me. A woman, nowadays, could have sex with other man leaving the emotions aside,...
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 August 2013):
 So you don't trust your wife to be faithful? Is this a recent development or have you never trusted her?
...............................
A
male
reader, Marianovolpe +, writes (16 August 2013):
Marianovolpe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOp here: from my point of view a good lover involves more than pure sex, I think is worry about her, be seductive, hug her after to make love, spend time, etc.
To be good in bed is get screams and vaginal orgasms from her and to get that kind of smile when you know you are amazing.
My problem is a matter of trust. I feel that if she dies not tell me the truth she can cheat on me in the future.
...............................
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (16 August 2013):
Dear OP,
So, as it turns out.. you're actually criticizing your wife for not putting "everything" in to the act. And the number of past lovers makes you think she should be able to do whatever it is that you're missing. This is NOT her being unhappy with your performance.. it's the other way around: You are unhappy with what she does. You say you don't care.. but you do.
I repeat again: It's you who is unhappy with her, because YOU are not satisfied with your sex life. You think it lacks "body and soul" and you blame your wife for not doing whatever it is that you're hoping for.
So, us AA's tried to help you get over your insecurities, when actually the problem is centered around some dissatisfaction with your wife. And your wife, she also probably thought she needed to help you with your insecurity.. when actually you wanted HER to think about her performance, not rate yours. And it wasn't HER who compared you to her past lovers, it's YOU who compared her to your past lovers.
OP, after this realization.. stop the passive-aggressive ways. You're not insecure, you're resenting her. You think she's withholding something from you and you think you put more of yourself into sex.
I believe that it would be a good idea to discuss these things in the presence of a marriage counsellor. Or to tell her about your true feelings (the anger, not the insecurity) in a calm moment. To work on the improvement of your marriage, you need to be more honest about what really bothers you. Try not to be hurtful in your words, think about the delicacy of this topic. I'm not implying that your wife should change her behavior in bed or that you have the right to resent her. But I believe that you can't swallow all this forever and it's best if she knows what's going on inside you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): I think you have lost touch with reality, instead you have created your own version of reality where you believe you can read your wife's mind and even know what happened in her past in her private moments ane before you met her. I think you have an over active imagination that you now believe your imaginings are real. You're not going to get any resolution as long as you continue along this path, since you are the one creating the problem and maintaining it.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 August 2013):
I can't help but wonder why you think she is not giving you her body and soul and how you even can begin to think you know what went on in her life before you came into it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 August 2013):
Wait. She isn't the best in bed? But she's your best lover?
So maybe you aren't the best in bed, but are her best lover.
It's not clear what you are hoping to 'prove' or cause to happen but if you continue to hold a double standard, you will implode from the cognitive dissonance.
Instead of focusing on making her do something she clearly doesn't agree with, why not put all that mental energy into learning how to overcome your obsessive thinking problem?
...............................
A
male
reader, Marianovolpe +, writes (15 August 2013):
Marianovolpe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOp here. Well, she is my best lover but she is not the best in bed...by far. I do not care. I always have put the soul and body in bed when we make love. She hasn't...at least, after 30 previous past lovers I would expect the same (that she has given before) and more.
...............................
A
female
reader, yanna58  +, writes (14 August 2013):
You probably are her best lover! You're the one that wanted to marry her, the one that loves her. You make love to her, the ones before didn't.
I can only speak for myself, but most of my lovers had the same sorts of techniques and abilities (there are only so many ways to have sex). What makes sex nice or amazing for me are the feelings I have for my partner. It's probably the same for your wife.
Stop comparing yourself to her past lovers. It'll drive you crazy. Just be happy to be her one and only now.
...............................
A
female
reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (11 August 2013):
Dear OP,
Of course there's a way out. It's just not an easy way out. So, you don't trust your wife to be telling you the truth. That's where you start from. You've tried therapy once, it didn't work. Well, then try again. I needed 3 psychotherapies and over 7 years to fight my depression. And now I'm sitting here and I haven't had a single depressive episode in almost two years. It's NOT hopeless, it's just a lot of work to get behind one's issues. And sometimes, the answers you get are really surprising.
I don't know where in the past you've started to think of love-making as a competition where there are first, second and third places. I don't really compare my lovers performances, but I call the person the best lover who I loved most at the time and who cared most about me. I could imagine your wife being the same.
What I notice though is that you solely focus on the question if you can satisfy your wife.. and if you are her best lover. But what if you ask yourself these things to keep you away from asking yourself more difficult questions.. like: Is SHE your best lover? Are YOU happy, sexually, with her? Do you compare her to some women in the past? What would you answer if she asked you? You want HER to admit your sex life is not the ultimate fun of HER life.. but.. I wonder. Why do you think that way?
This doesn't have to be important. But sometimes, in marital conflicts, it can help to pose questions the other way around. At least that's what I read in a self help book once. And I just thought I'm going to throw it into the conversation.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2013): Why do you want to know what went on between your wife and any past lover she had? That is the past, you cannot change it and neither can she. You live in the present and she has decided she wants to be with you. You will destroy the future if you insist on trying to change the past.
It is a mental health problem to continue to obsess about any one thing even if it is hurting people and relationships. That's what you are doing. You're hurting the relationship between you and your wife by obsessing on this "best lover " thing. Or obsessing about your penis size, or both.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (11 August 2013):
 Who says Enrico being better is the truth? Not your wife but you!
It doesn't matter what your wife says, she is in the wrong!
You have a mental problem, your wife is the victim here.
If I was talk to her I would advise her to pack her bags and knee you in the miniscule 5.5 on her way out!
...............................
A
male
reader, Marianovolpe +, writes (11 August 2013):
Marianovolpe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP here. Ok, Deeply in my mind I know that all of you are right. Also I know that the penis size (in fact I am 5,5 inches) is not determining to be a good lover. I know that she loves me and I know that I am hurting her with my questions. Maybe all I want is the truth. Why do I want the truth?, because I really know that it is a very tough thing to say. What would happen if she says "ok, enrico was my better lover"?. It would be something very tough to swallow, but it would be the truth. And if she is able to say that my level of trust in her would be greater. All of us are different? Of course we are, so always there are someone worst or better in bed...I know this is a lost war against myself. I tried therapy, but didn't work. It is worth to mention that I have stopped asking questions months ago. I don't know.... There is no way out, isn't it?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): My friend, you don't know when to back off of a new-win situation. You are obsessing on your wife's past, and I think you'll push your marriage right over the edge.
I suspect this is more than you're able to handle, and you're losing hold.
I really don't think you're paying any attention to any of the posts from the aunts.
So you may as well continue on your current path; until she tires of you. You're trying to harass you until you drive her out.
I think this is a prelude to spousal abuse.
You've decided she's used goods, and for some reason decided that six years into your marriage.
I think your small mind is your problem. Not just your penis issue.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): Calling your wife a liar is not going to help your marriage.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (10 August 2013):
Persisting to call your wife a liar is not going to help your marriage.
Continuing to discount your wife's right to have an opinion different to the opinion you want her to havr will only harm your marriage.
Here is the bottom line, you are mentally unbalanced.
Seek professional advice immediately.
And please answer C Grant's question.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 August 2013):
why do you ASSUME she is lying? why do you ASSUME you are not her best?
do you realize that part of being the best lover a woman can have is mental and NOT physical. I have had MORE lovers than your wife three times over easily and more than one husband and I think that I can easily speak to penile size as having NO impact on who was my best lover.
IN fact, it's such a head game in terms of who is best that the men that were better often had no penile/vaginal contact at all.
the most important sex organ you have is the one between your ears. It's your brain.
For me the best lover is the one that WANTS me the most and goes the extra yard to please me the most and to be honest an average penis feels much better than a larger than average one.
NOTHING we say will fix this for you however and that is the saddest thing for your wife. She married you. She loves you, as far as she is concerned YOU are the best she's ever had or wanted. YOU are the one who is calling your wife a liar which I am sure hurts her more than you can ever begin to imagine.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 August 2013):
What will happen if she tells you that the one night stand with Enrico was the best sex she ever had?
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (10 August 2013):
 Its because you're fixated on it beyond what is a normal level. Most people would wonder and hope they were the best. Not fixate for years and continue to ask over and over obsessively. You're just being flat out rude to her at this point. Its inappropriate and doesn't need to be asked. And it sounds like you couldn't handle the truth if it wasn't you. So it sounds like she's making the right decision!
...............................
A
male
reader, Marianovolpe +, writes (10 August 2013):
Marianovolpe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOp here. More info: 16 of her sex partners were one stand night. 6 of them were colleagues, married.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 August 2013):
OP, please answer C Grant's question.
Suppose one day, after you question her yet again, she says, "Okay, I can't take this any more. Enrico who had a larger penis than you was my best lover."
What happens then?
...............................
A
male
reader, Marianovolpe +, writes (10 August 2013):
Marianovolpe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP here.I think she won't tell me never because she thinks that it will be to much for me. And that is the real issue. I do not understand why is considered a mental disorder to want to know who was her better lover
...............................
A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (10 August 2013):
 Why do you care? She probably only says that to you so often because you're so insecure about it.
I agree with the agony aunts who suggest you may have OCD or a personality disorder that makes you so obsessive. I strongly suggest you confront THAT issue not the trivial mystery of whether or not you are the best lover your wife ever had.
If she is saying this to you unprompted, then tell her that she doesn't need to hand out that particular compliment so much
...............................
A
female
reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (10 August 2013):
Dear OP,
As far as I know, you've already posted this question once or twice and many agony aunts tried to bring you to reason. Since none of our advice could help you cope with your doubts and anxiety, please do something about it now! Or you might end up destroying an otherwise happy marriage.
The best lovers are those who really care about the person they make love with.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): Leave her alone and deal with your insecurity about your penis size. Stop putting your insecurities onto her. If she doesn't want to tell you who was her best lover she doesn't have to, you don't own your spouse. Its likely she doesn't want to tell you the truth because she knows you're so insecure it will just make you create more problems for her.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (10 August 2013):
First and foremost, why do you insist on her telling you such things? It's not a good question to ask. Second, why men think their penis size is everything in bed is beyond me. Sex for women isn't all about whose junk is the biggest. You can have a guy with a massive dick who has absolutely NO idea what he's doing. It's also about the emotional connection. She married you, right? So she loves you the most. And a strong emotional bond makes sex ten million times better for women. So why you keep hounding her, is beyond me.
Stop forcing her to tell you things that make her uncomfortable. Appreciate that she clearly loves you so much, that sex with you far outweighs every other man.
...............................
A
male
reader, Hennessy1989 +, writes (10 August 2013):
 What is your problem? She married you, she loves you and is happy with you. This is all down to you feeling insecure about your size. That's your problem, not your wife's, you will push her away eventually. If my girlfriend kept asking me if she was the best all the time it would annoy me.
...............................
A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (10 August 2013):
Top notch sleuthing from Trisha there.
Look, she's already said it once but I'll say it again. Retroactive Jealousy has been linked with OCD by medical professionals.
Please go see a therapist. You really have a serious issue that no amount of coming here and asking the same questions or constantly nagging your wife will fix. You need therapy, and possibly even medication.
Sort your life out, mate.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): Just because your wife isn't your #1 doesn't mean your not hers. Think about it.
...............................
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (10 August 2013):
 OK,say she says, 'no, you aren't the best I've had.' What do you do then? Do you demand to know which of the 30 was best? And why? And how big he was? Do you really think that's going to improve your relationship? Would that sort of 'honesty' from her make you trust her more, or would it feed your retroactive jealousy? Don't you see that you're putting her squarely into a 'no win' scenario? As the others have said, keep this up and you won't have a wife to question any more.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 August 2013):
I see you have a fear about this that is out of proportion and irrational: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-feel-that-i-am-not-the-best.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-wife-has-not-had-vaginal-orgasms-with.html
Have you considered some counseling for your irrational thinking? Or research retroactive jealousy, there's a lot of information out there about it. It appears to be a type of OCD if it is extreme and takes over your thoughts as seems to be the case here.
...............................
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (10 August 2013):
 She is not lying. She loves you. She's in love with you. When love is involved, nothing else compares.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 August 2013):
How about you stop hounding her into saying what YOU want her to say? http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-does-my-wife-insist-on-lying-about.html
Your issue is YOUR issue, it's YOUR problem, inside your head. Your wife is fine with you the way you are.
Your skewed view of what constitutes 'best lover' is pretty much ensuring that you are going to wind being her worst lover, as you are clearly NOT a good listener, you are stubborn and obstinate.
Let it go. Let go of your worries and fears and just accept that you are fine. Let it go.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): Who would be her best lover is subjective. It would be totally impossible to remember in detail each and every stroke and every caress. Every man has his own style.
I think you really want to know if any of her lovers with a larger penis was better than you?
I'm gay. I can't determine what country you're from; so I'll reserve my "gay" opinion; because ignorance runs rampant in many places. Many countries are still in the Dark Ages. I wouldn't want to destroy your self-confidence by venturing to make a guess that she might be lying.
It is easier to remember the worst lover; because they usually leave the least of an impression. However; out of 30, she married the weird one. So Bingo!!! She fell in love!
How do you compare each lover, when each performed at a different time in her life; and she had different feelings for each? Do you really expect her to tell you that you're
not the best? Really? The one she chose to marry?
Each lover in our lives has their own significant place in our hearts and minds, my friend.
The best lover, is the freshest one in your memory and in your heart. The one you can hold in your arms now. The one who you can rollover, and wrap your leg around as he sleeps. Even though he asks ridiculous questions and drives you crazy.
What is the matter with you? Did you fall out of bed and hit your head?
What is even more of a mystery, is why you care; and what evidence you could possibly have to call her a liar? You never had sex with any of her past lovers.
You are over 40 years of age. You must be going through a middle-aged crisis. I gather that you're experiencing the male-equivalent to female menopause.
I truly suspect that you are driving that poor woman crazy.
Six years into your relationship, you decide to have issues of inadequacy, and insecurities about the size of your penis!!! If you can still get an erection and maintain it throughout sex; you're at the top!
You demand your ranking in comparison to the performance to former lovers? I could think of a million more important things a husband should be more concerned about.
If some day you come home and find your bags at the door; it is because she would finally realize you have totally lost your mind. What on earth are you smoking?
Please be assured that you are her best lover; but probably less sane then any of the other men she may have had in her life.
She must truly love you, to remain with a basket-case like you. Consider yourself a lucky man.
The important thing is, all her past lovers are gone, and you're still there. Keep it up, and you may join the others as a past lover. The one she can remember to be the craziest she has ever known.
I can only scratch my head and wonder.
Dude! Seriously!?
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (10 August 2013):
Like Derrr. Please indulge me while I ask YOU a few questions ....
Why are you insisting your wife is lying?
How do you know you are not your wife's best lover?
Did somebody tell you so?
Did that person know because your wife told them so?
How do they know if your wife was telling the truth or pulling their leg?
Are you wanting to push your wife away for some obscure reason?
Now, while you consider those questions let me continue ...
HOW DARE YOU! How dare you insist your wife MUST be lying because she is not giving you the answer you want to a very silly, in fact bloody stupid, question!
HOW dare you presume your wife's opinion, on anything, not just your performance in bed, how dare you presume her opinion is false, and that if her opinion does not match what you THINK her opinion should be, she must be lying!
Get over yourself. She is YOUR wife, she chose to marry you, you need to accept that is her vote for the winner in the bed department.
If you persist, and continue with this line of she must be lying due to YOUR own insecurities about YOUR penis and how YOU use it, not only will you be pushing her away sexually, because no woman will continue to enjoy the act of making love with a man who consistently persists in calling her a liar and who will not accept her OPINION for what it is, an opinion.
And guess what, once the love making ceases to be an act of love, so to does the marriage cease to be a union of two people in love and your marriage will fail.
Either get over yourself or get some professional counselling.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (10 August 2013):
 I have to ask you why you care, or not, if you are your wife's best lover... what difference does it make? She is married to you and therefore she chose YOU out of all her other suitors to spend the rest of her life with.
If that doesn't stand for something, nothing will.
From all the I've read, bedroom performance is not necessarily related to penis size. It all matters on how you use it AND the emotion carried through in your love making. Most women get off on the emotional side where as guys tend to focus on the physical act.
Personally, I'd be thankful your wife feels you are the best and even though it may be a white lie, the fact remains she is WITH you. And if your sex life is still active, you should count your blessings.
Eddie
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): She may have had 30 lovers previously, but you're the one she married. Has it occurred to you that maybe she isn't lying?
I tell you this as a reasonably experienced woman: there is MUCH more to good sex than locating a man with a big d**k and getting him into bed. She's not saying you're the biggest guy she's ever had, but that you are the BEST lover, and yes, there is definitely a difference. Guys who aren't hung like porn stars actually take some interest in learning how to use what they've got to the fullest, and are in my opinion much more satisfying than the guys who know they're packing and don't make an effort to bring anything else to the table.
On a side note, you say you're secure enough to handle the truth, but your insistence on bringing penis size into the equation suggests otherwise. Search "retroactive jealousy" on this site and you'll see why she's reluctant to go into detail. It NEVER seems to end well when women do, even if the man is the one who insisted on knowing.
Take the compliment, and let the issue drop.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): I've got advice for you - stop asking her. Stop hassling her. Either you are not her best lover, but she loves you so much that she would never tell you otherwise, or (gasp!) she could be actually telling the truth.
Remember, for women it matters a lot more the feelings between you. She chose to marry you, not these other men. Which means that she liked you best.
My partner hasn't got the biggest penis of all my previous lovers, but I love him the most which makes the sex infinitely better.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): Believe her, you are just hurting her by calling her a liar
...............................
|
