A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear All,My boyfriend and I have been together just over two years. I’m a more private person, whereas he’s fond of social networks, which I understand, but I asked him when we’d only been together a few months not to ‘check in’ places when we’re out on dates as it makes me feel uncomfortable. He stopped, but recently has begun doing it again, so I asked him calmly and nicely to please not do it. I am okay with him posting after we’ve done something, but not to post when we are somewhere or about to go there. I just don’t want lots of people I don’t know always knowing where I am and what I’m doing - call me strange!His response was that I was ‘ordering’ him what to do, and that my request was ‘abusive’. I am pretty astonished by this response, so please tell me - am I being so very unreasonable and outrageous to ask this? Thanks to all. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): I think he needs to respect how you feel..by the same token I think you need to lighten up. You both need to compromise. He wants things done his way as you want it done your way and neither of you are meeting in the middle. Upon reading your post I felt that your aversion to his check ins have something to do with you perhaps wanting to keep your relationship secret as opposed to just private. Sorry if I am reading into it too much just how I sensed it. Usually when you are in love with someone it is natural to want the world to know this person is a part of your life and do silly things like put up a facebook pic together or check in at places, even in the spur of the moment.Is my suspicion wrong? If you really love this person I think you should get over your hang ups. It might even work in your favor as the less opposed you are to his openness, maybe the less inclined he'll be to do the contrary of what you want.
A
female
reader, MsSadie  +, writes (10 August 2013):
 It's definitely an annoying habit that he has, but it's also a rather harmless one. Maybe you could allow him to check-in places, but ask that he not say he's there with you. Have you told him that you're okay with this habit so long as he does it after and not before you arrive at the place?
Just curious, is he always on Facebook and does he have a ton of friends on there? Because if so, that's less a sign of being truly social, and more a sign of a person in constant need of validation. Something to keep your eye on for sure, especially if you see other signs in his behaviors that would suggest the same.
Also, for what it's worth, you don't have to worry about people seeing where he checks-in. I don't know anybody who pays much attention to that. And, unless he has the creepiest and clingiest friends in the world, I doubt anyone would show up at places that you are just because he checks-in there.
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A
female
reader, JanelleChevXT1 +, writes (10 August 2013):
My husband doesn't bother with Facebook or that, if he has something to say, he does it in person.
You should try and speak to your partner about it, get him to realize that social networking sites aren't as great as being in person, or failing that, sending an email [which you have some control over].
Not saying he should stop using them entirely, just be more judicious with them.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): Your partner is violating your privacy, plain and simple. If he wants to post his whereabouts across the web, that's his business and you have no right to tell him otherwise. However, if he wants to post yours, that is your business, and he must comply with your request for him to stop.
It is clear that your partner is addicted to social networks. Let's not sugarcoat this. He has a compelling need to post information about himself in online spaces, and that need is competing with the needs of his relationship -- most professionals would agree there is some level of addiction present here. So let's face facts. He is unlikely to modify his level of interaction with the Internet, even for you, at least not in the short term. You have already tried, and you have seen the result.
You are a private person, and you feel he is ignoring your need for privacy. You cannot ask him to stop posting his own whereabouts online, but you can ask him simply to exclude you from this information. You can say kindly, "I know you like it when your friends know where you are or where you will be. It's great that you have people who are interested. I don't want you to stop this, but I do want you to stop including me in this information. If your friends really care whether I was with you or not at these places, they can ask you afterwards."
If he still does not respect your wishes after this compromise on your part, then you may need to carefully assess the state of your relationship.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (10 August 2013):
 i think it's obnoxious to check in everywhere you go. i mean really, who gives a damn? no, to answer you're question, you're not being unreasonable or outrageous. if anything, it's unreasonable and outrageous that he feels the need to let everyone know where you and him are at every second of the day.
clearly he's never been in an abusive relationship if he thinks that's what you're doing. he is being a drama queen. you have every right to desire your own privacy. if he wants to check himself into the shitter while he takes a deuce, that's his business. but when it involves YOU, you have every right to have a say.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (10 August 2013):
 You should compromise.
Half the time, let him post his photos and things. Half the time, he should cease out of respect to you.
That way, you both get what you want. It's the adult thing to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): Hi there!
You know what, I understand you being a private person and everything. Your bf should and must respect your feelings. Because it makes you uncomfortable.
On the other hand, I think your bf is serious about you. No matter how addicted to social websites your bf is, if he isn't proud of you he would just share places where you've been together, excluding your photos.
So, It only means he has nothing to hide and he is so proud to have you in his life.
To answer your question, I guess you are over reacting.
Not saying you don't have a point, I understand, we all have different views. You deserve to be respected too.
So if its really bothering you, I guess you should tell him about it in a manner that it wont be hurtful on his part.
Because its ridiculous to argue about photos.
You know it, its very petty.
Just talk it over like mature people do.
maybe he will understand.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): The age-group above your post places you between 30-35.
I think your boyfriend has been posting his activities habitually over a minimum of the past 7 to 10 years. It was probably over social media, that you both met in the first place.
He is an extrovert by nature, so he's the kind of guy that likes to share with his friends. The more the merrier. He wants to show that he is active, and a fun-loving guy. Some people just find it hard not to publicize their whereabouts; because they need to be in the company of familiar people.
He probably never misses getting personal invitations to events; and you both benefit from a healthy social life.
Maybe he gets a little bored with catering to your demands for attention; and just might need to get a few other people around to help him out. I warn people about trying to change others. You know he is fond of social networking.
That was his life-style when you met.
This is the 21st century, and that's what many people do nowadays. They post their whereabouts, and invite their friends to share a good time. I find nothing wrong with it. He'll always have an alibi. You're always the girl at his side.
That being said; he does have some obligation to you, as his girlfriend, to compromise.
There will be times you just want to hide from the usual crowd, to just spend some quality time. You just want to find a quiet cozy little spot for just the two of you. I do believe you're may be giving in to exaggeration; just a little, to make your point.
Just take into account, you both spend close to 90% of your time together. You may even live together. So you're apart mainly when you're working. So, he wants to turn every outing into a party. He loves his friends.
Ask that he delay posting, and talk to you first. Then make a joint-decision what activities you wish publicized; and those you wish to be more personal, or intimate.
If you're just being bossy, and anti-social; that will probably be never. You may not care to compromise. You just want to lay down the law. Then it's just a power struggle.
He'll just ignore your feelings; if you are just imposing your restrictions. It just isn't going over well. I think that's the main issue here.
Saying it calmly and nicely is condescending. It's being bossy with sugar on top.
I wouldn't go as far as to say he doesn't care about your feelings. He doesn't like your bossy demand that he stop.
He did stop, but then he may have been pressured by his friends to start again. They know you're the culprit.
After all, you're being "social" for crying out loud! He's only being public about being in public.
Are you more bothered that he will not stop; because you told him to; or because it just annoys you? Maybe both?
The remedy to your problem is not to go. Refuse to go, if he insists on putting it on the front-page every-time you walk out the door. Find your own group of friends, and find another place you'd rather go. Chances are, you'll end up where-ever he is. Mainly because, he is the life of the party and you'd miss him.
Stop the silly little squabble, and take my suggestion.
Compromise.
You don't have to go, if he wants to be a dick about it. You just want him all to yourself all the time. Don't be selfish. That's the true motive behind all this.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 August 2013):
 It is hard to think of a request like this as abusive. Even if the request involves a lifestyle change such as a threesome, or to stop smoking, it can hardly be abusive. It is not abusive, he is saying that to make you stop asking it again because he doesn't care what you feel and he ain't going to change. This is hurtful.
You are not strange with this request. He has a very annoying habit which is so addictive that he can't stop. I think his response and his disregard of your request make it more outrageous than the habit of postings. He is having a relationship with the whole world and when you ask him to stop it is like him breaking up with it. I look at this as an incompatibility issue. It seems more painful for him to drop his habit than for you to put up with this.
He is intolerant of people with a different opinion. It threatens him so much that it triggers his tightest defense mechanism. Facebook allows people to be semi celebrities. You are denying him importance when you don't care for it. His ego got crushed. His reaction shows you that his online status is more important than your feelings.
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