A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi!!! I have a problem that I don´t know how to approach. It´s about money and my boyfriend. I know exactly how much money he makes, we both make almost the same, but he always spends all of his money on his own and whenever we are together I have to pay for both of us or for the biggest part of the bill. I´ve tried to tell him that I can´t afford this, and he always says it´s ok and we will pay for our own bill separately, but that never happens. I´m not the type of girl that expects her bf to pay everything for her, but I expect him to be willing to pay for me when he´s the one that´s inviting me to do something. I would never invite someone to eat if I don´t have enough money to pay for both me and the person I´m inviting. I also expect him to at least pay for my meal the day of my birthday. Well my birthday was in June and that didn't happen, almost 2 months have passed and I had to pay for everything we've eaten together since then. He didn't get me a present either, all I needed to be happy with him that day would've been a homemade card saying "I love you! Happy birthday!", a chocolate along with the card and an invitation for lunch, how much money would that be?. I did at least that for him on his birthday a few months ago, I paid for everything that day, I bought him a present, I made him a card (he loves that kind of thing), I bought him lots of candies and chocolates, I got him a cake with a candle and everything. I think I deserved a little more than just a "happy birthday" text when he woke up.There´s another thing too, we became a couple April 8th 2011, he suggested we should give each other small presents every 8th (like a short letter, a package of his or my favorite chewing gum flavor, a flower from a garden, simple cheap things)I actually thought it was a cute idea and it was pretty easy to do, so I agreed, but apparently I´m the only one that remembers that every month!!. I don´t remember last year correctly, but I can assure you that he hasn´t done this at all during this year. He always says he has no money right now but he will get me something later, but then when he has money he spends all of it in a few days.What can I do apart from telling him? (I´ve already told him how I feel about this, multiple times). Yesterday was the last 8th I give him something, but I can´t stop eating when I´m around him, he will get at least a bite of my food and I will end up splitting it because it breaks my heart to leave someone I care for without food. (He has groceries, he can make food at home and take it with him, but he is too lazy)Thank you!!! :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2013): His behaviour would infuriate even the most anglic of natures.. I'm a mental health nurse .. Now for decades people have debated the nature/nurture debate regarding human behaviour, some traits are innate in that it is just our nature to be greedy, selfish, etc to degrees and some is nurture we learn from our environment say example his father spent a lot or gambled, drank ect..The benefit of Human nature is that it can bend, it can be conditioned .. However this takes time and a lot of effort and patience on your part. It would also mean a very serious chat not an arguements ( who wants one of those) over money .It also means you sticking to your guns. The serious chat could start with ' oo my I spent way over my budget this month, hey that reminds me .. You keep saying you'll pay half of ( whAtever it is) and basically you don't but I'm saving now and I really think you need to budget better as from now on I can't possible And stick to it.. When out only buy for yourself .. No more treating him... t the minute your like a TMA where he just withdraws without putting anything back. He may get angry annoyed etc but hey, your not his bank manager and you have carried him for too long anyway.. He needs to respect and value you .. Not just your cash..Have the chat and see how that goes.. You need to change your behaviour though as well stop enabling him to use you . Just tell him ' no' I can't afford you. Make sure he has money before you eat etc .. Get him to check infront of you . Take care sweetie . X
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (10 August 2013):
 i definitely agree with you that this is extremely frustrating. i'm very responsible with my money and also very generous. i practically always pay for my girlfriend because she doesn't make near what i make, and i enjoy treating her. i also can't imagine inviting her out to lunch/dinner and expecting her to pay. that's very rude. and not paying for your birthday?! i seriously can't fathom that. if it was a one time incident, i'm sure the birthday thing would be forgivable. but since it's all the time, it's got to be extremely aggrivating. i'm sorry you have to deal with that.
in the here and now, and even more so in the future, his issue with money management poses a huge problem. if you are to stay with him down the line, and you move in together, you will no doubt have massive fights over money because sharing money with him will drive you crazy. if you have a joint bank account, he will blow through everything and leave you with no bill money or hardly anything left at all. and the things he chooses to blow your money on will piss you off, no doubt. because it's BOTH of your money at that point. not just his anymore. and if you agree to pay for bills seperately, with seperate bank accounts, he will most likely blow through his money and be short on his half of the rent or bills, which will then be coming out of your pocket anyway, etc. i mean, he's already making you pay for over 75% of your meals, etc. so you think your rent and utilities won't be the same? i'm speaking from personal experience.
anyway, i doubt this will change. your boyfriend has a problem with money management (either that or he's just cheap as hell), and most people with that problem have trouble with money their entire lives. it's to do with impulse control - or lack thereof. they have money in their pocket and they just can't help themselves but to spend it all. doesn't matter if they have rent covered or their bills paid. they want new shoes or concert tickets, etc.
you say you have spoken to him about it multiple times. well he's clearly not listening, doesn't care, or is so set in his ways that he's unable to change his money habits. there's only so many times you can say the same thing over and over. if it hasn't changed yet, it seems unlikely to change now. either this is something you can deal with or not. is it a deal breaker? if so, leave him now before it gets even more difficult. otherwise, learn to accept it for what it is. that seems to be the only thing you can do. because he's clearly not gonna change.
good luck.
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