A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How do I get my wife to stop complaining about things that don't seem to exist?I have been married for 15 years. The last 7 years it's been a battle. Honey I can't get off the couch my stomach hurts too much, honey my head is hurting. I offer to take her to the doctor or hospital and she won't go. Honey pick me up gravol I'm nauseous. I go home from work and I'm welcomed with a frozen dinner. Apparently she was too sick to cook. When I'm off I make her nice homemade foods. Shes home all day and can't bother to cook or clean. She does suffer from depression but how much more am I supposed to take if this? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, kenny  +, writes (31 August 2021):
 Something is not right with her for sure. I suggest you book an appointment with your doctor and he may suggest some things that may help, or steer you on the right path regarding getting help.
Has she worked in the past?. Maybe finding employment even if its only part time might give her back some of her self worth.
Does she have hobbies, friends. Could you suggest some light exersise, or a brisk walk just to get her up and out.
Start by seeing a doctor first and see what he/she suggests.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2021): Typo correction:
"[It] doesn't seem she's responding to treatment for depression; because she's probably going to therapy for the sake of going through the motions."
P.S.
People often just show-up to their therapy sessions, sit through them, and say a few things; then wait for a prescription. Some people like using their illness as an excuse and/or for sympathy. It's also an excuse not to take responsibility for bad-behavior; or to lower all expectations on how they should progress and function.
You are her husband, and have a right to consult with her therapist...that is, if she currently sees one. If she isn't, don't ask her; insist that she sees one. Otherwise, hand down an ultimatum; like you'll hire a visiting-nurse to see that she takes her meds, and stops with her complaining about aches and pains. You may want to hire a housekeeper a couple of days a week, you don't have to live in a mess. You can also do some cleaning, when you get home from work. Many working-mom's do. Where do they find the energy?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2021): Dear sir, if she suffers depression, that explains it all. I must suggest that you Google psychiatric articles and medical publications about depression. People seem to think you can just snap out of it. If only it was so simple. Educate yourself.
I doesn't seem she's responding to treatment for depression; because she's probably going to therapy for the sake of going through the motions. If she's taking prescribed medication, it may have some side-effects; or she isn't taking it regularly, or according to the prescription. Thus, you see years of no progress. If she won't go to the doctor for symptoms of illness; maybe she's not seeking treatment for her depression either. Are you present when she sees her therapist, or just assume she handles it all on her own?
I would suggest you stop dilly-dallying around, and insist she sees the doctor. Being upset with her and assuming she's just lazy is counterproductive and insensitive. She very well may be lazy; but you can only eliminate the causes once you're certain she has had a proper mental-health evaluation and physical-examination. So often cancer and other terminal-illnesses are overlooked; because people are foolishly stubborn, or no-one was assertive enough to make them seek medical attention. As Tinacandida pointed out, it is also possibly symptomatic of menopause; which can only compound the complications of depression.
You're her husband. You have no choice but to take-charge of this situation. She's not being rational, if she complains of aches and pains; but doesn't want to see a doctor about it.
If she was properly treated for her depression; in the span of seven years you should see some minimal improvement. Many medical-health plans have visiting nurses these days; maybe you can schedule a visit to see your wife. Nobody likes going to the doctor. The wait, being probed and pricked, or getting bad-news. Your complaint and dissatisfaction are legit and justified; but maybe you haven't done enough to investigate the cause and remedy to your problem. She says no, and that's that? Come on! If you really want to find a way to improve the quality of life for both of you; you're the man in-charge. She is satisfied with complaining; you'll have to find the solution...or shut-up and put-up!!!
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A
female
reader, Tinacandida +, writes (27 August 2021):
 Take your wife to the doctors. She does sound depressed. Isnt there something she could do to be able to live her life happier, can she go to work, have any friends or hobbies you could encourage that. If she is going through the menopause some of tbe symptoms youve mentioned could have a lot to do with that and if so there are many treatments a doctor could help her with. She doesnt seem to have any motivation. Try to encourage her to get some help and talk to the doctor or health advisor to rule out any underlying condition.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 August 2021):
 Something is up, for sure.
If she suffers from depression is she getting help? Or trying to "wait it out"?
You might HAVE to give her an ultimatum. Go see a doctor, get help with the depression Or I'm walking.
You have tried for the last 7 years to just let her "do her thing" and nothing has gotten better. Is this how you see your life 5 years from now? The same ole same ole?
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