A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a long distance relationship for 8 months. I have never experienced this before. We met online and due to being hurt before I was nervous. So I confided in friends and asked their opinion. Maybe I confided too much but I was really paranoid and nervous about this new situation. I had told my bf people's opinions on the situation because I wanted to confront him about a few things to put my mind at ease. Which eventually led to him getting angry and annoyed at me saying I share too much about the relationship. Now I feel awful. I guess I didn't think I just wanted reassurance and when I asked him for it I just didn't feel trusting enough to believe it. Now he says he doesn't love me as much and is shutting down emotionally. What can I do to regain his trust ? And how do I apologise and reassure him. I don't want to lose him for my silly mistakes as we have a great time when we are together and have so much in common. I really love him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2021): Typo corrections:
"It would need to be established before you were separated; after spending considerable [time] together, getting to know each-other."
*Yes, you can grow feelings of fondness for a person you've only had contact with online; but romantic-feelings are based on all your human senses. Not just your eyes and ears!
A month on and a month off, over eight months, is not much time together. You haven't had enough time to develop trust. Trust has to be earned, not just dished-out and passed around like candy. Neither can your trust be held hostage, demanding proof after proof; until you make someone give-up you. Each time you meet for a month, it's like getting to know each-other for the first-time all over again. Maybe that's why you can't feel you trust him yet. You need continuity and stability in the relationship.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2021): First of all, you didn't mention if you've met in-person; or if this relationship is primarily conducted online. You're a little too intense about this relationship; which needs a lot more person-to-person interaction to make it more organic, and to justify having such deep feelings.
Online long-distance relationships lack the human-interaction people need; so you might need to adjust your feelings, before you start panicking over losing somebody you hardly even know!
An 8 month-old relationship shouldn't have too many problems; because you hardly know each-other, and disagreements shouldn't be that serious. I hardly think love can be that established in such a short time; and it's highly unlikely it can be formed while you're so far apart. It would need to be established before you were separated; after spending considerable to together, getting to know each-other. LDR's formed and conducted entirely online, are superficial; until you meet, and connect on a personal-basis. You're a human being, not an android.
If somebody tells you they love you less, they never loved you in the first-place...surely not in the short span of 8 measly months! Don't throw the word "love" around so casually. You're not teenagers!
If you have problems with your love-connection, it's best to discuss them directly with him; instead of running to your friends and then telling him what their opinions are. That's ganging-up on him, and it also seems manipulative. You'll make him feel that if he won't do what you want him to do, you'll go and bad-mouth him to all your friends. When he meets them, he'll feel self-conscious and awkward. Wondering what they must be thinking of him? They know him even less than you do, so how can they judge him? Unless, maybe they're seeing red-flags you don't; and you're not facing reality. Instead, you're trying to force a bad-match to work.
If you're already having so many problems with him, maybe you're not paying attention to red-flags; and trying to force him to be who you want him to be. It almost seems you can't handle this long-distance relationship without becoming insecure or anxious.
When it comes to reassurance, actions speak louder than words. If say you're going to calm-down, do it.
Take things day by day; and you'll notice a big difference in how things will progress. Control your insecurities, and show maturity and dignity. Desperation will surely scare any guy away!
You really need to make sure that you're seeing each-other in-person as frequently as possible; or your relationship will become strained. You won't really be able to appreciate and learn to recognize certain emotional-signals or cues; and you won't connect with certain attributes in his character that familiarizes you with him. The things necessary to truly endear people to you; so you'll bond on a more human level.
I don't care how much people argue otherwise, romantic-relationships are meant to be conducted in-person; to give them depth, meaning, and feeling. Until you learn how to communicate and interact with people directly, you're just hiding behind devices that don't really allow others to learn who you are, and vice versa. You need to connect in a more personal and intimate way. LDR's should be short, they cause high-anxiety in people who are insecure; and those who need closeness and affection to be fulfilled within a romance. You met online, already separated by distance. That's different from starting a relationship with someone you've first met in-person; then becoming separated by some unforeseen circumstance. It's more difficult to maintain, for anybody!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 August 2021):
 OP, take some time and think about how YOU can work on the insecurities you have and trust issues. Because YOU are the only one who can fix this. He can not.
You know logically that it's unfair to judge him for what someone else did to you, but in reality, it's HARD to not presume that HE could do this to you too. How you work on that is important.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2021): Is this really a relationship? If it is all online then it is not.
You share too much - ask friends for their opinion, but don't go running to him to tell him about it after. It is between you and them, you don't need his permission and he has no right to know.
You are doing the same here! Sharing with all and sundry and not trusting any of your own judgments.
No you do not really love him, you do not know him well enough or like him enough to love him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2021): Op here. Honeypie you're right. I messed up. I did bring it up each time but I wasn't very trusting - we see each other a month on and a month off so we have an actual relationship but I have had a hard time trusting after previous relationships. It's not his fault so I feel bad because my insecurities are ruining a good thing
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 August 2021):
How much time have you spent with your BF IN person?
And I can definitely see it from his point. IF there are things you weren't happy about or made you worry, HE is the one you should have talked to. HE is the one YOU are dating, not your friends.
Does that mean you can't talk to your friend? No. Everyone asks friends for advice and talks about things. YOUR mistake was TRYING to use your friends as the REASON to bring up topics with your BF.
You said:" I wanted to confront him about a few things to put my mind at ease." Seriously? CONFRONT him?
Having a good relationship means you can TALK to each other, there should be a need for confrontations.
And an "all my friends agreed" blah blah blah makes you seem like you hide behind them to bring up topics.
If you two do not spend time in person, what is the point? All you can really build is a "pen pal" like relationship.
How do you apologize? You tell him: "I fucked up. I am insecure and distrustful of people. I will learn from this and do better. Next time there is something that bugs me, I will TALK to you if it involves you.:
How can you reassure him? By not doing it again.
If he still wants to "date" you and be in an LDR there will be times you BOTH duck up. Good communication will make a huge difference. Also spending time together can help. You really can't conduct a deep relationship over text/phone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2021): Here you go blaming yourself when you had every right to talk about this new boyfriend and potential relationship.
I find it very suspicious that the boyfriend has thrown a tantrum on you telling you that you had no right to talk to your friends.
And now you say you love him!
Personally I think you are far to genuine for someone who clearly can't stand up to scrutiny.
It doesn't look good for the future and he sounds much less than charming.
Don't convert yourself into his annexe who says and does what this newfound boyfriend demands.
Show him you are no pushover and stop being repentant!
What on earth is wrong with having friends you can trust enough to share things with?
This fella is not that special that he should rule your thoughts and actions.
And what is so great about a long distance relationship when he makes you feel bad about yourself for having a few friends.
I'm starting to think you'd trust a used car salesman who implies that you're going to get the bargain of the year and gets you to pay for an old rust bucket that shouldn't be on the roads at all!
Value yourself and trust those friends and stop trying to make gold out of rust!
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