A
male
age
41-50,
*hicagoMale
writes:I have been with my wife for 8 years (married for four of them) and until recently she was almost never interested in sex. In fact, it was a source of great tension and naturally moved into the shadows due to her apparent lack of interest. Now she is feeling as though I am not paying enough attention to her sexually and I must admit it makes me angry to hear this, as I was very attentive for many years, but was met with relative indifference. I have heard this before when I stopped letting her know I wanted her sexually, and each time she promised that it would be different and that she finally understood why the lack of sex bothered me. As soon as she felt desired again, her interest waned, and we were back to the old habits. We are in counseling and the Dr. keeps acting as though this is all my responsibility ~ simply because she is telling me she is interested in sex. I think she may be doing all of this because she sees regular sex to be an integral part of a healthy marriage. The difficult part is that with the exception of sex the rest of our relationship is absolutely great, which makes it all the more difficult to understand. And to answer the obvious question, she had a great childhood, never abused, and nothing sexually traumatic ever happened to her. She simply is not interested in sex (or worse, sex with me). Her history is also indicative of a lack of interest in sex. But when asked she claims that she is interested and thinks about it all the time....problem is her actions shout the opposite. Anyone out there have any insight? For the record I am a good husband (faithful, supportive, and have a good job (I am an airline Captain), taking care of the house is a joint effort and I certainly pull my share of the load), she is a professional very successful and we do not have children at this time. I am 31, she is almost 30.PS... My job allows me a great deal more time home than you think ;)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2008): If she is interested and you are interested too, then I say go for it. In my marriage, I am always interested and my husband is rarely interested. It makes me feel unloved, wanting sex and having wandering eyes, although I have not cheated on my husband. Just keep this in mind and act accordingly. Hopefully she will not play games with you, as you said she has done before. You might address your concerns with her first!
A
female
reader, Guru1  +, writes (15 April 2008):
It sounds like she's having some difficulty accepting the lack of sex interest within herself, let alone sharing it with others. She may feel that she has no excuse to have these feelings given the life she lives but never the less she does. If there was someway you could engage a discussion with her that sounded something like, "i love you no matter what, and what ever difficulties either of us might have I hope we could be there for each other etc.." some reassurance that you'd be there even if there was a problem. I think suggesting a visit to a good gynacologist who might test her for testosterone levels and other related medical issues might go some way to explaining this. I saw a medical TV show once called Berman & Berman on this very issue. I don't know if you know them but they are sisters and doctors. One is a gyno the other a psych, I think they have a website. If your wife's problem is medical you need to rule it out as a possibility before dealing with the more deeper psychological issues. I hope this helps and it's good to see men out there trying to deal with marital concerns. Keep at it you'll get there!
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A
female
reader, lovingheart +, writes (15 April 2008):
Hi,
This has happened to a couple of friends of mine and both may give you some clues as to what's happening.
The first friend was around 30 and very successful in her job. She had the perfect husband, perfect house, sporty car, beautiful clothes ... everything! In fact we all looked up to her and her achievements with envy.
As it happened I only found out about her relationship issues one day when she asked me for advice. The situation was similar to yours because her husband complained about the lack of sex in the relationship. As she put it to me , she was so busy with everything that when it was time for romance it was the last thing she wanted to do. Then to make matters worse when her husband tried to instigate sex she found it really annoying and stopped him in his tracks.
She was very much in love but she had built up this barrier towards his sexual desires. I believe, since our conversation she has tried to rediscover her sexual side to the relationship in various ways. Exactly what I'm not sure but it's certainly inside of the relationship.
The second friend with similar relationship issues is a little different because she is quite open about her situation with her close friends but not to her husband.
Her husband is a good provider, nice house, 3 children who go to good schools etc. They have been in the relationship for around 10 years. When she does talk about her relationship she quite openly says I feel like I'm in a rut and I'm as bored as hell. In regard to the sex issue she is also quite open. As she puts it. "Every Sunday morning he would wake me up by biting the back of my neck and I would just lay there thinking, here it comes, lets get it over and done with". She started jogging early Sunday mornings with the dog to avoid it!
I'm not saying either of my friends situations would apply to you but if it gives you an insight as to how my friends think then I hope it helps.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (15 April 2008):
 I've kind of learned the same lesson. Often, the person with the lower sex drive can not explain why they won't/refuse/resist/can't be bothered etc. to pick up their sex drive. I maintain that if they have any sex drive at all, and they enjoy sex when they have it, it should be easy to get in the mood. Some people see it as a duty though and it's just not important to them.
I went through a phase in my marriage where I became resentful toward my wife. I felt undesired and frustrated that sex seemed to be my department. In other words, if I didn't make it a priority, nobody would. As you say, it was indifference that bothered me the most. Nobody likes a partner that leaves the impression they're just there to help you reach your orgasm.
You see, some people have complete;y different scales of sexual drive. It is very frustrating. I used this example with my wife......Let's imagine my wife was crazy about gardening and wanted to go to the spring garden show in some city an hour away. I new she really wanted to go so I agreed to take her. We get in the car and drive an hour to the show. She talks about gardening all the way there. We arrive at the show, she jumps out of the car, I recline my seat and take a book out of my pocket. She looks at me like I'm crazy and asks what I'm doing. I tell her I only drove to the show for her sake. I tell her to go in and do what she needs to do and I'll wait in the car......OR....you're partner is looking forward to going out for dinner to a particular place. The two of you walk in and sit down. The waiter brings two menus...your wife orders her dinner and you tell the waiter you're not hungry. It kind of spoils the mood.....
Message me in private.
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A
male
reader, pyan +, writes (14 April 2008):
Hi
it sound like you have forgot what do do to charm and seduce her. several years ago my wife and i watched some sex education dvds. there is about 6 in the set, they showed you things and discuss these kind of topics.
they were not porn tapes, but they did give my wife lots of ideas and at the end of each one we made love (not just sex).
shift work or being away from home causes issues and you may want sex and your wife knows that and it build tension. try an holiday were you are both in a different environment.
message if i can help, i will look for the names of the dvd, they where from the us
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