A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello,My problem is embarrassing, but it is affecting my life very significantly now, and medicine seems not to be of help. My wife is everything to me. We met in college and fell in love, and everything went okay. We didn't have sex before marriage because my country's traditions are against that. After the wedding 5 months ago when I was trying to have the husband-wife intimate relation with her, I noticed that my penis's head could barely enter her woman part, but no matter how I tried to push harder it wouldn't go in any further. I used a lot of lubricants, including oil based lubricants since a doctor has recommended it, and still we failed.We eventually went to a doctor who has diagnosed her with Vaginismus, which was something I never heard of before. We tried having alternative sexual activities such as blow jobs and hand jobs, and despite it being nice and all but HERE IS THE PROBLEM which is not understandable by my close friends in person; my body has NEEDS. I need to feel I'm inside my woman, and I don't wanna divorce her because I love her.A friend suggested anal sex instead but I am not sure, and she also isn't. I don't know what to do, and on top of all that I am now constantly horny whenever I see a woman with a nice body walking in the street. I am seriously thinking of suggesting a threesome soon. I can't bear living like this anymore. At first I was masturbating but she discovered when the lube amount decreased, and she said I can divorce her if I am not happy. I told her that this will never happen, but then I started masturbating with the hair gel so she doesn't notice. I really need help
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Just.opinions  +, writes (6 August 2013):
I will not pretend to understand your culture, but as a female, i do know your wife would probably offer you just about anything to get you satisfied- and will probably be hurt if you take her up on the offers. She shouldnt be so offended when you masturbate, in fact- my boyfriend and i really get turned on when we watch each other masterbate. And it is nice to sometimes switch and play with each other for a while, then go back to playing with ourselves. Very fun and helps create a bond. Have you tried to do anything to please her sexually, besides penetration? It sounds like shes trying a lot harder than you are. Her self confidence is probably hurt by this diagnosis. She maybe feels like less of a woman. IfYou were having trouble erecting, you would feel like less of a man. And if she went to your brother for sex, you would feel inadequate. You will create a lot of feelings by penetrating her cousin. Just know what you're getting into, because sometimes you cant undo the damage caused by your decisions.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2013): Hi All,
I am the author of this essay. Thank you both of you for your answers. I love my wife and I won't ever get rid of her. I think we can reach an agreement and we spoke about it today already that I would marry her younger cousin. She spoke to her cousin already, and she accepts. I will always love no one else but my wife, I mean this one. But the cousin would be only for sex and of course reproduction because I must have a baby.
I just worry about not being fair in emotions to both wives, or maybe when I get my penis inside the other woman my feelings for her will increase. I'm very confused but going with the flow.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (14 June 2013):
 For you and your wife to consider :)
http://www.vaginismus.com/vaginismus-treatment
Take Care – CAA
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2013): I'm a man and I agree with you that we have needs. But I think what you described is not such a big deal unless you and your wife have actually turned it into a big deal.
I understand that you have never experienced a vagina and you feel you are missing something. But believe me, there is nothing special inside the vagina. The feeling is exactly the same as hand jobs and blow jobs. And in case you haven't noticed yet, the vagina is more of an exit, it directs discharges out of women's body, every day.
I wouldn't really advise anal sex. Let me give you a hint: When that hole is opened, anything that's inside can come out. That includes smells, and solids.
Instead, I suggest you put your penis between her bums. Like she lays on her stomach and you go on top of her and rub your penis between her bums. It feels extremely good. I myself do it regularly with my wife.
You may not know this yet, but women get offended if they offer you pleasure and you refuse to take it. I understand that your wife is happy to give you hand jobs and blow jobs and maybe other types of pleasure. So take her offer and stop masturbating. She will be happy and you will be satisfied.
Also, don't ignore her female member. It needs your attention even if you can't penetrate it (In fact it needs more attention than a normal woman because she feels that part of her body is not loved). Make sure you spend time with it. You can play with it, touch it, kiss it, lick it, suck it, anything you like. Just don't make her feel ignored. Who knows maybe you will heal her issue eventually.
Forget about vaginal sex and forget about masturbation. Live happily ever after with you wife.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 June 2013):
 What is she doing for treatment of vaginismus? There are treatments from psychological (many cases are the result of childhood trauma or fear) to physical (dilation treatment has been known to work wonders).
I totally understand how you feel, because that's really a tough spot to be in. Have you gotten a second opinion of the vaginismus? If you've been married 5 months, chances are you haven't done much in the way of working together with treatments, which can take awhile, especially in the case of past sexual trauma and vaginal acceptance.
You've known her since college, which has been years. I know and understand you have the need to feel like you're inside her. All I'm saying is -- be patient as you both make it your number one goal in marriage to do your best in finding help and therapy for that problem.
One thing to keep in mind -- vaginismus isn't her way of saying she doesn't want sex with you. The vagina literally spasms and tightens as involuntarily as when you sneeze, you close your eyes. You close your eyes as a reflex whenever you sneeze, and her vagina reflex closes whenever it senses entry of an object.
She needs intensive therapy. The only time your hope should falter is if she doesn't WANT to be treated, or if she makes excuses for trying. However, I'm guessing she is just as distressed as you are about this, so don't lose heart! It may take a little longer, but to put it bluntly, your penis hasn't exploded in the years you've known her before marriage, and hopefully, your reward for patient and loving therapy and lots of time spent on her therapy will pay off in years of sexual adventure for both of you! 5 months feels like forever, and I'm sure you thought "FINALLY! After how many years of waiting..." only to find out that...you have to wait a little bit longer!
I feel for you! But both of you get fully engaged and participating in an active, daily treatment (psychological and physical) to help treat the vaginismus. Get the opinions of more than one doctor! If she's holding out on some sort of trauma she hasn't told you about, or if her mind has blocked it out of her memory, talking to a psychologist is HUGE.
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