Why is it that he decided to be with her, but won't leave me alone?

Tagged as: Dating, Sex, The ex-factor, Trust issues

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Question - (13 June 2013)

6 Answers - (Newest, 1 July 2013)

A female age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I was dating a guy for two years (not exclusive, no relationship) and about four months into it, he also began dating another girl. She's two years younger. Anyway, we started to become even closer around the middle of our first year of dating. Everything was good. Then around december everything just fell off. He had told me he has feelings for me and the other girl. I was a little upset about it. So, he came and visited me at school (college) and we had a great time. Yes, we were sexually involved but had been only a few months because I had him wait for a year before we could have sex, as the other girl gave in 5 months after they started dating. During this time, the other girl had decided to go into a relationship with another guy and he was telling me she still wanted to mess around with him while in her relationship. At that point, I felt like he was gonna choose her over me, but he would swear up and down he wasn't going to be with that girl. Anyway, after he left my school he didn't text me or anything so I was wondering what was up. I decided to hit him up and ask and he had told me he was thinking about a lot of things such as maybe we should just be friends instead and he just isn't the relationship type. Yeah, I was hurt because it all came out of nowhere and so he basically dumped me I guess you can say. It caused us to fall off bad cause it ended in an argument. So, we stopped talking the rest of december and around the middle of january, come to find out, the other girl had broken up with her boyfriend to be with him. I was devastated because I didn't understand everything that just taken place. So, I hit him up and asked him about it and he confirmed that they were together and that he was sorry. I stopped texting him. Then he would text me here and there to check up on me and I didn't really say much. Just gave short answers. Then out of nowhere, he texted me telling me I was right and that everyone isn't going to do the things I had did for him. So he decided he wanted to come visit me again and he was telling me he doesn't know why he's with her and that he feels as though he'd be happier with me, that he feels like she doesn't care about how he feels and all that, but he wasn't trying to break up with her either. So when he did come to see me he told me that we're both fun and that he loves the both of us and yes, I made the mistake to allow myself to have sex with him. I felt bad and told myself it wouldn't happen again while he's in a relationship. So after that happened, he went to go visit her (she's only 17 but is in college at in riverside) the next day. She doesnt want him talking to me, and so he won't while he's with her. So, the day he came back his use to be best friend told me he had told her he just had to give it to me one last time and that it wasn't gonna happen again. So, I asked him about that cause I felt used. And he was telling me how sorry he was and he didnt mean to hurt me and that we can't keep messing around cause it isn't right and that everyone wants him to be faithful and he wants to be faithful too and to let him try to be happy for once. So I'm like alright cause I've never stopped him from being happy. Never. I just told him I didn't appreciate how at first he was saying we would be together, but he isn't relationship material and all that mess and that if he really didn't want to be with me he should've left me alone. He continuously apologized. He even admitted that the fact she had went and got a boyfriend was partially the reason he's with her. So after the visit the conversation between us has been a bunch of arguments. He was saying things like he wants to have sex one more time, but this time I told him if he want to have sex with me he can't anymore while in his relationship and since he clearly wants to be with her and not me to leave me alone. I said the first time was a mistake and it should've never happened so let's not allow it to happen again. So he was just saying things like he do want to be with me but he just not with me right now and he doesn't understand why I don't want to have sex again cause I don't like his girlfriend. And I told him I don't like her but he should care about how she would feel if she found out. And he was just like man whatever but I do have feelings for you, you just don't see it cause you're so bent up on me having a girlfriend. I do care and my feelings for you are legit. So, I told him I don't trust him, I'm not gonna make the mistake of having sex with him again. I said he wants to be faithful, and he wants to keep his relationship, So do it. He seems to never be satisfied and so he got mad and we haven't texted for three days. Lol my question is. Why is it that he decided to be with her, but won't leave me alone? I honestly feel like he still wants his cake and icecream too and that he doesn't want to be with me, but I could be wrong.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2013):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I know that me and this guy shouldn't have contact at all, but we ended up having a conversation anyway. He pretty much told me the reason why he still wants to be involved with me is because he doesn't want to let me go completely, but he doesn't want to continue to hurt me because of his selfish ways. He even told me they stopped having sex because she won't have sex with him anymore. I didn't believe him because this is the girl who willingly had sex with him before they got together but now she doesn't want to have sex with him? Smh. He told me he really didn't mean to hurt me and he was being stupid and not considering my feelings when he decided to choose her. I told him I didn't believe he was going to be with me in the first place and he said "there was going to be us, there's a chance that there still could be, but there just isn't right now." Sometimes I do feel like he wants to be with me but he put himself in the predicament and now he doesn't want to leave her without a reason even though he said he's "unhappy." Sometimes I feel like he's full of crap. But he's told me he didn't choose me because i did anything wrong since I'm an amazing person to be with. He said he was being stupid and it still makes no sense to me. Lol and I told him regardless I'm not going to wait for him and if he really wants to be with me he'll make it happen or there won't be us period because I'm not going to leave the person I end up in a relationship with for him.