A
male
age
41-50,
*oul83
writes:My wife has a big driving test today. Last night I couldn't sleep so I thought it was fine to go to the other room for a couple of hours (before midnight) and a student of mine (grade 12) came online and was asking for my help with her college application. So I chatted to her for a bit to help her out with the necessary links to the websites to complete her application (today is the last day for them to get help from us teachers). Originally I got up to do some creative writing and listen to some music. But instead she got up and came looking. Snatched the computer from me. Went to the room and got upset and proceeded to tell my student to go to hell and wrote on my subtitle that 'some women are cheap and that i'm a married man'. She then told me I can do whatever I like with my students. For christs sake! They are school kids! I am just trying to do my job well and check their homework which they email to me and join in the student discussion forum to help them with their college applications. Am I breaking some code of professionalism here? The stock standard behaviour to me this morning was to look at me with her trademark b**** expression and coldness. The sort of thing she would do before she went overseas. I told her good luck with her final driving test. She told me it was none of her business and it was too late. Mind you, passing this means she can use her Chinese licence to obtain an Australian licence. Maybe I'm naive. I dunno. But the very last thing that I wanted to do well, I cannot do well. I am due to leave China soon but it looks like the last chance to have a good job has been evaporated. Every job I have held here has been interfered with by her - usually because I underperform in the job over her saying something or doing something that's dragged me down. My boss told me to do some things that will make me feel happy. I want to do that. She just doesn't understand me. I try to do nice things with her and she underscores it by taking petty shots at me. Calling me names, putting me down etc. Usually I can ignore it or get over it after a couple of days. But there's some comments I haven't forgotten: telling me I'm nerdy and need to change my behaviour to be more outgoing and fun-loving, I'm too serious, I'm too skinny and the worst one of all: one night telling me that I'm no good in bed and that she has suffered with me for the past 2 years. Ever since she said that a few weeks ago, I haven't been the same with her. I've tried but I'm still depressed and stressed out and unable to loosen up to have fun. I keep tryin to give her unconditional love - I don't expect anything in return except to be spoken to nicely :( The power of positive thinking: combining what my boss told me with something a mate of mine suggested. I am trying to do nice things for myself and turn inward. Direct energy into creative things and making myself feel good. More exercise. Helping others. Finding ways to enjoy my life and feel good about myself. I am separate from my wife - I can be happy with myself. I don't need her acceptance. If she goes one day, I will need to stand on my own two feet anyway. So, I think it's smarter to turn my energy into helping myself now and stop constantly thinking about her or ways to improve our relationship. I know that she will start carrying on like a child and say that I don't care about her if I choose to do things for myself and ignore her. It still hurts to know that I don't have what I consider to be important - a partner that understands that I like to give and that sometimes I am a night owl. She can't control me. I care about her and always keep telling her good luck and how much I care about her.I think I'm depressed. My boss who is trained in psychology thinks so as well. I have really low self-esteem. I can see signs and symptoms which match. I do actually get anxiety and panic attacks on and off. Sometimes triggered by a thought of something she said, sometimes by thoughts of her cheating, sometimes just generalised. And yes, my memory is so bad. It isn't helped by my inability to sleep at night because of all the crap running through my mind.Unethical ok... our company said to reduce paper, we should get the students to email their work to us. They are all Chinese and use QQ over here. It's a chat group! I have deleted her from my list now and left the chat group. It doesn't matter as I will be leaving the job in 3 weeks time.
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cheap, depressed, married man, my boss Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Mr. Don T Knowitall  +, writes (9 September 2011):
Wow, man! you really sound stressed. As long as you're not doing anything unethical with your students your wife has no say. if she does then she must be some kind of control freak. Her reaction speaks volumes. she also sounds like a bully by treating you the way she does, saying bad things about you to make herself feel good. Remember, nobody can insult you without your permission. From what you describe I'd be tempted to get away from her. She is abusive and manipulative. Get away from that negative energy. Maybe you should talk to a counsellor about your feelings of inadequacy and your relationship.
A
female
reader, cmarieky  +, writes (9 September 2011):
U do have an angry wife, n its not bc of the student issue. She seems generally like the Grinch. I think she needs some help, but I hardly believe she think she has an issue. But something is the matter with her, maybe job stress or past issue she is dealing with privately. The only option besides counseling and divorce is to learn ur wife. U may not understand her but u can anticipate certain behaviors or conversations based on how she begins interacting with u. It will take some work on ur part but it can happen. Things like being on laptop late with female let her know like honey some student just emailed me, let me take a minute to review. That way she will feel like ur acknowledging her and what ur doing. The sex comment was a low blow n she did it deliberately to hurt u. She may have even studied u afterwards to see how effectively it gutted u. Just sit her down and ask her in what ways can u better make her happy. Don't bring up there are problems bc she may deny or get upset but rather tell her u want her the happiest woman alive and u need to know what better ways can u fulfill and please her. Make her feel loved, even if u already do...do it more romantically. Something is bothering her and she is taking it out on u bc she has no one else around to be angry with. As far as her name calling and belittling u, just tell her its okay u still love her and u know there is something wrong and ur there for her. After that just simply walk away, but still cuddle her at night and kiss her forehead and repeat ur self that u do love her and ur always there. She may push u away but deep down she feels comforted. I hope you'll be okay. Bc u need her there for u too. Best wishes
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