A
male
age
51-59,
*asyEK
writes:Hello everyone, I just came across this site some few days ago as part of my grieving for what has dramatically happened in my marriage of four years now. Looking at the questions and the invaluable advice that has been given to other people in similar situation like mine gave a significant relief and I thought it might be helpful if I can share with you the details of my misery so that you can help me. I know my story could be as long as a book but I will try to make it short.I am married since 2003 to my wife whom I met when I was in my last year at university (she was in her first year). So we got married after five years of courtship. I have a very good job and travel a lot and sometimes abroad for extended periods (2-3 months). My wife who is employed by a government ministry just came back from her masters studies abroad where she has been for the past two years since September 2005. We have one child who was born last year (April 2006) when my wife was away but I managed to take a leave and travel there to be with her for the delivery of our daughter. We then came back home together with our daughter and my wife went back abroad to continue with her studies in September. Ever since we got married, we have had ups and downs but I generally believed that we were all happy with our marriage and we had firm plans for the future together. Before my wife went abroad, there has been a persistent rumor that my wife could be cheating on me with her boss with whom they used to travel abroad for official missions. On several occasions I discussed the matter with my wife but she consistently insisted that there is nothing going on between then and that I shouldn’t worry. When she went away for studies, I believed that might also help her to cut-off any ties with the boss (even though of course her boss is the one who lobbied for her studies scholarship).I just got a promotion at my job when she was coming back and that meant long working hours too. When my wife came back, she persistently complained that I have changed and that I do not express the same level of affection towards her and she started suspecting that maybe I could be cheating on her (which is not true). I explained to her about my demanding job and also the fact that we have not lived together for two years could partly be the reason that affection skills could have faded somehow but we agreed that we should work out an improvement plan. Other than that our sex life has been reasonably ok and we made love several times a week. We have also been able to go out together for dinner/pubs together.Within a week after we have talked about the improvement plan, I found out in her cell phone some very disgusting messages suggesting that she might be having an affair and that she have had sex with this man, who from the messages seemed to be maybe of my age, married with one child like us (and of course not the old sugar daddy boss). In one of the messages, the guy is telling that he enjoyed the sexual encounter they had and asking her that she bears him a child. I confronted my wife for the messages and she confessed the cheating with this guy saying that it happened because she has been feeling neglected and desparate (which I am sure is not true since all this happened within a month since she came back). My retrospective enquiry about the rumor with the old sugar daddy boss is also hinting some very disturbing details of infidelity on my wife with this old boss. In short their affair has been a public agenda it seems that it is only me who did not bother about it. Even my parents seemed to have been aware of it but they chose to keep quiet because they did not want be sowing some seeds of despair in our young marriage.But I have been terribly hurt by this episode and I am thinking divorce is the way here. She is now asking me to forgive her and that she wants to start a new clean chapter. I have demanded to know this second guy how it started and for how long it has been going on behind my back but she does not want to reveal these details saying that I will just be too hurt again.Any advice on how I should deal with this would be gratefully appreciated as I am in dire confused situation. I don’t think I will be able to get over this and be able to love my wife fully again. I just do not know what I should do now and my other big concern is the future of our innocent daughter who is a very lovely child.
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male
reader, EasyEK +, writes (1 February 2008):
EasyEK is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am the original poster of the this questions and let me take this opportunity to thank the three colleagues who gave me quite good advise. I have somehow recovered from this heartbreaking reality done a test with my daughter to ascertain my paternity to my daught (thank GOD results have been ok). I am still leaving with my wife but we have not been able to reconnect back. My wife is asking for a forgiveness saying that I should give her a chance as she want to start a new clean chapter with. Deep down my heart i still do not know whether I can be able to love her and trust her again. Any way I thought I should give this as an update for you guys.
A
male
reader, Uraz  +, writes (30 December 2007):
 You are a successful educated person with a promising career. She has cheated on you twice, and even your parents know this. So the town know it. Society matter, and your character will be tainted in the eyes of people around you if you swallow this double cheating. Your image, your personality has been already damaged enough and I do not think it will be wise to try to forget and forgive. You already said that it is hard for you to forgive her. In anycase, she is a professional woman, used to traveling and being free and independent. I do not think she needs to change and be truthful to you if if you did forgive her.
To continue with this woman would mean, constant quarrels, suspicions, arguments and this will also distract your concentration at job which is absolutely necessary for your career. You may end up, losing your position, getting miserable and she will in the meantime NOT feel sorry for you or get upset about you and eventually she will dump you. She will win and get away with her wrongs.
Don't let this reckless, irresponsible, thoughtless woman to destroy your personality and career please.
there are hundreds of nice intelligent faithful ladies out there.
And you will take good care of your son in any case.
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A
male
reader, Tony Williams  +, writes (29 December 2007):
If you truly want the marriage to continue, then firstly you must forgive her.
I am in a very similar situation, kids and all.
My wife had the affair , I had to come to terms to it.
It eats away at you , it can destroy you.
Don't throw your marriage away until the end.
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