A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife doesn't like to do laundry. She says she doesn't like the noise (we have a small house so doing a load of laundry permeates) and apparently doesn't like any other aspect of it either. She will let her laundry pile up until she has nothing clean left and then go into a two day frenzy of laundry. I, on the other hand, like to do my laundry once per week whether I have a lot to do or not. I don't have near as many clothes as she does so for me it is maybe two loads per week - sometimes just one. She does hers and I do mine. I never ask her to do mine.However, sometimes I feel like I need to do mine at night when she is asleep or else when we are going to leave the house for bit. She will sometimes go ballistic if she hears I am doing laundry during any time she has not approved of it. She will even turn the machine off while throwing a tantrum if she is not in a frame of mind for laundry - leaving me with moldy-smelling clothes which then need to be REWASHED. What is worse is that we have cats and as anyone who has cats knows they puke up hairballs and sometimes even pee on things. She leaves blankets around the house for the cats and - even if they are not soiled in cat fluids - they get covered in hair. I don't mind that, but these also then need to be washed. Combine that with our clothes and bedding and there is quite a lot of laundry to be done. I don't mind that there is a lot to do. I just want to do it! Her solution is to put things into black plastic garbage bags to "wash later." Not only does that just let stains and smells set but "later" never comes. The entire trunk of her car is filled with black trash bags of laundry. She can't even remember if it was laundered or not (she takes clothes to her mom's to wash because it is not so loud there) but even if it was it needs to be laundered again because I am not going to sleep with a blanket that has been in a black trash bag in the trunk of a car for 4 months that she can't remember if she washed.For the amount of bedding and blankets we have, we need to do laundry a lot more often. She is adamant that we don't because it makes the house hot during the day, but at night she can't sleep. I once took everything to a laundromat as a compromise. It cost about $40 and I felt stupid doing so when I have a washer and dryer at home - not to mention how inconvenient it was. Her new thing is to permit me to do laundry but not dry anything (because it makes the house hot). So I have to line dry things. This doesn't get the lint and cat hair off my clothes. She lines dries everything. We have clothes lines hanging in the spare bedroom, upstairs, and in the backyard as well filled with her clothes and bedding. I find this whole situation preposterous. When I bring it up to her she will call me every name in the book, tell me I am selfish, and a jerk. I tell her I just want to do my own laundry. I don't ask her to do mine or tell her what to do with hers but that the blankets and such need to be washed MUCH more often. She gets insulted, angry, sometimes even physical with me. I really don't understand what the issue is here, but to me it seems she is losing it mentally. She wasn't like this before. She says menopause is making her irritable and that I am not understanding of what she is going through. I just want to do laundry without having knock-down, drag-out fights about it all the time. To me that doesn't seem like a lot to ask. Other than going to the laundromat all the time to placate her, what else can I do? I really think she is being beyond unreasonable. I read about husbands throwing their dirty clothes everywhere. I am the opposite. I want to do the laundry but it can only be done under her very limited, restricted terms! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (27 May 2020):
 There is an expensive solution to most of your laundry trouble. The right machine can fix it. But getting an entrenched thought out of a person is often much harder.
You are 40's I am 50's we have a lot of laundry experience. and yet up until our latest machines I couldn't get my wife to use any setting on the dryer that wasn't Identical to the simplest laundromat machine (High heat timed dry) I even just told the last appliance salesman right in front of her, "it doesn't matter what features the machines have she only will use the most basic setting." In fact that conversation, or perhaps the money we spent on our front loading machines has finally changed her thinking. Our current machine is quieter, uses les hot water and cleans better than anything we have ever had.
But honestly it took more than a year for her to try a new cycle. As I said it is hard to change a entrenched idea. now my daughter with a younger and more flexible mind has discovered that if you use the right cycle the washer will flat out remove cat hair.
Anyway I have t bits of advice for you and your wife. First honestly look into better laundry machines. Read reviews, look at efficiency, and don't buy from a home center (home depot / lowes) they don't sell the good stuff, they sell the cheap models.
Second get a doctor to help with the menopause symptoms that include feeling hot.
Remember you are not trying to fix her you are just trying to get her to think in a different way than she ever has before.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2020): Usually when someone is dirty they are dirty in many respects, not just one. You would find it hard to want to go anywhere near them because of the dirt or smell.
And Ive known of situations where someone goes on and on about how dirty someone is when the reality was the opposite. The person complaining was a clean freak, obsessed with it. And they were the ones who were going overboard and wanting to do it far too much. The other one was the one with a normal sense of proportion who got sick of it.
Just because you are the one who put this post and she did not does not mean that your version of it is the truth and she is in the wrong.
If she is really dirty this must be new, as you would never have married her. Most would think of divorcing her. You are moaning about her as if she should change. It is obvious she has no intention of changing.You suck it up or change yourself or end it.
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A
female
reader, hilary  +, writes (27 May 2020):
 Everyone is going on about this disagreement about the washing, but this will be just the tip of the ice berg. When something as simple as this cannot be agreed on and sorted and gets bigger and bigger it is not long before other things, worse things, add to the mix.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2020): Sir, be respectul to your wife. In a small home, do not run laundry machines while she sleeps! That said, marriage is a partership. Household duties often are delegated by who holds down an outside job to earn a living and who does not work outside the home. If your wife stays home while you work then most homemaker jobs become her duty. If you both have outside jobs, then divide homemaking tasks equally. Not to be cruel or mean, but your home is dirty! Cats need clean cat litter! Wet litter clumps and cat poop need to be scooped out and removed daily! Multiple cats require multiple litter boxes. Litter should be replace with fresh, each week. Each cat should have their own pet bed. Cats need to be combed or brushed daily to end the coughed up litter balls. Blankets must be laundered and put away. The washer and dry should be leveled. When doing laundry, your wife can wear foam earplugs. A dryer which is properly vented to the outside, adds little heat! Use only mesh laundry bags, not trash bags! Good luck OP
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2020): The way you describe your wife, she does sound unreasonable and not quite in her right mind when it comes to the laundry. However, she is your wife, you've committed to this marriage, and it IS absurd to fight over such a thing. You'll therefore have to come to a solution that works for both of you, and commit to finding solution that you can both accept.
I agree it seems ridiculous to have to take your laundry to be washed elsewhere, but if that's what you need to do, then so be it. Have a discussion with your wife, acknowledge her (though it is strange, don't focus on the fact that it is strange) aversion she has towards laundry, and tell her that then you will need to take the laundry outside and that the expense must be a shared expense. If you are generous, you can pocket the entire expense.
Another solution that I suggest that is essentially the same but perhaps easier to accept mentally is to tell your wife that you really need to do laundry, and you can designate a "spa day" for her, in which you treat her to a day at the spa. "Spa Day" of course is actually laundry day for you. Do all the laundry on that one day when she is out of the house. That way, you aren't wasting money on doing laundry outside of the home when you have perfectly fine machines in the home. Rather, you are being kind and generous to your wife and treating her to some pampering for the day. And she can avoid having to hear the laundry machines, and hopefully the home can be cleared of the hot air and cooled down by the time she returns home.
I'm hoping that by your extending good will towards her first, she can extend it back and compromise as to some solution.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 May 2020):
 ...Your wife may be " losing it ", but you do not sound the most reasonable ever yourself….
You do your laundry AT NIGHT ?! and in a small house too ?
I assume that ,lucky you, not only you live in an independent house , not an apartment building - but also your house sits on a huuuge plot with no neighbours within many many yards.
You would not dream of doing laundry at night if you lived in New York- or in any non strictly rural area in Italy.
You would not be allowed to.
But even when I lived in Southern California, in a delightful Spanish -style house with frontyard, backyard and everything - the houses, although reasonably well spaced , weren't far enough that one would think of doing laundry , or cutting grass , or operating other noisy electrical stuff, AT NIGHT. So maybe there wasn't any specific city regulations, or HOA rule , concerning laundry, that I can remember -yet there was a gentleman's agreement , based on common sense and common courtesy, that , same as you would not practice with your drum kit or trombone at night, you would not keep your ( noisy ! ) washing machine or dryer at certain times ..
Maybe you don't have neighbours , ok, but anyway you do have one very close neighbour: your wife . If she wants to sleep , or just to relax and enjoy some peace and quiet after dinner, I think it's absolutely normal that she expects you to avoid all the racket - and the overheating too !
Line-drying- why not ? If you have the space ! It's more economical, more ecological and more sanitary . And linen smell and feel much better than taking it out from a dryer. I live in an apartment so I have to use a dryer, but if you have a backyard… dry-line away , at least when the weather is good. It does not take the lint and the hair off ? what hair ? Don't tell me please that you put into the washing machine hair - covered garments ?! that 's not only really disgusting, and a very good system to transfer fur and cat dandruff to other hair free clothes , it's also a good system to clog your washer and dryer and break them sooner than their life span. If you have hair on clothing items, you BRUSH them, ( with a clothes brush not a lint roller ) BEFORE washing them. Laundry 101.
Talking about cat hair, and your pee-soaked blankets- yes, I don't doubt that they smell and need to be washed often, but that too is strange . I am afraid that WiseOwlE is right and that maybe you and your wife do not take proper care of your cats . Maybe you do not change their litter often enough, and / or you do not groom them often enough. I don't know any cat owner who needs to cover their floors with blankets !, - you can have the occasional accident if the cat is sick, but they don't go around peeing oall over the place , if they have a nice fresh litter box available. As for hair fur, yes some breeds shed more than others ( and some individual cats more than others ) but in my experience it is something that can be kept under control with accurate grooming, i.e. if you have a Persian cat, you can't even skip one day.
Anyway, if you have catpiss- soaked blankets- urgh- you are even brave to want to wash them yourself and put them in your washer or dryer ( hopefully never in contact with any other clothes or lingerie ?)- I wouldn't , I'd just take them to the cleaners and let them do it. Of course it has a cost , ( but perhaps less than you think, eventually, because the more you use your appliances , which , if they are so noisy, must not be last generation anyway _ you shorten their life span and end up having to change them ) , and , as someone else suggested, it's only fair and normal that you split the costs with your wife . If she does not want to do it, and does not want it to be done by other people in her house, - then she has to pay her share .
As for your loads,- why do you need to make more than ONE load weekly for your stuff ? Just make it one bigger load rather than 2 or 3 smaller ones. Let it accumulate , not forever liek your wife - but enough that you do not have to make a racket and overheat the place more than once every 7 or also 10 days.
In which case, it will also be fair and reasonable by you to make her choose a ( daytime ! ) time slot in which she can put-up- and-shut-up while your stuff gets washed - or else in which she can remove herself from the place and go spend an hour or so at a Starbucks or at a friend or wherever while you do your laundry.
I have to say that your wife is certainly not being very gracious in airing her grievances and is dealing with this problem with an aggressivity which is totally over the top, so probably, as you suspect, there's something else going on, maybe menopause or other stuff that she is going through or problems in your marriage deyond laundry.
But I also have to say that you have agreed to share a living with this woman ( let alone to be married with her ! ) and if something in your daily life bothers or troubles her .... you have to take it into account, you can't just so casually dismiss it as foibles or tantrums !
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2020): Simple solution. Take all your clothes to the laundromat once a week to do heavier loads. Let her pay her share. Do the small loads at home in spite of her mean and spiteful protests. Be a man, and put your foot down. That doesn't mean be abusive or over-aggressive! You're being wimpy, and she is being unreasonable. It is totally astounding how people insist on having pets that they don't clean-up after! Either the cats go, or I'd go; if I had to deal with this ridiculous mess!
You don't mind doing laundry, and you can do huge loads at a time at the laundromat. If she won't compromise, why bother fighting and complaining? You guys really have other underlying issues you won't address. You're slightly afraid of her; because she's a little psycho!
The bottom-line is, the laundry has to be your chore; and that's what she's aiming for. The cat nonsense is hers to contend with; or she will have to get rid of them. Otherwise, you can both sit around basking in the pungent fragrance of cat-piss! The concentrated-smell is absorbed into your hair and clothing; so when you leave the house, people can smell it on you. I'm just saying!
She's lazy, and an untidy-person! The sound of the washer or dryer isn't really the issue. When you do your laundry, it heaps guilt and shame on her for being so "nasty!" For lack of a better term. Hair-ball puke is disgusting, the ammonia-smell of cat-pee is disgusting, and piles of dirty laundry is like living with a hoarder. I'm sure they poop in closets and under the bed...the other stuff cats do. They will pee on blankets; if you don't change the cat-litter regularly. Which I am almost sure is the reason!
Try adjusting the footing-screws beneath the washer and dryer to stabilize them; and reduce the vibration. Don't overload the washer, it will wobble under the unbalanced amount of wet laundry, if you put too many things in at once. Maybe, it's time to update your appliances! When having them installed, the installer will make sure they are properly balanced. You can also put something heavy on-top of the washer to reduce the shaking during spin-cycle; or sit on it, and enjoy the vibration until it's complete!
Get sprays to treat the stains; and go to the pet store or pet center at the market, to find remedies to stop the cats from peeing in places they shouldn't. If they are unneutered-males, the stains sometimes will not come-out; because they will return to the same spot many times over. The urea stains will set, and become permanent over time!
Stop fighting and use commonsense. She's unreasonable, stubborn, and insists on having cats she won't clean-up after. Don't blame the animals, they're just doing what they do.
I'm sensing you and your wife just don't like each other; and you aren't really a cat-person, but you're tolerating it. You are building resentment; because you're intimidated by her. I think you and your spouse have a power-struggle going on; and she is the more dominant-personality between the two of you. I picked-up that she will do violent, or very aggressive things, to make her point.
Laundry really isn't the issue. Incompatibility, living in a space too small, and resentment is building within you. I think by this time next year, you're going to leave her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2020): You know, I'm kind of wondering if she doesn't have some kind of repressed anger that's trying to surface that has something to do with washing clothes or something. Like, maybe when growing up her mother or father were very militaristic about cleaning and she was traumatized over it. Or maybe even something related to childhood and loud noise. Sounds like you guys need a therapist. She may even need her own therapist by herself. But I would suggest one together.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 May 2020):
 Sit her down and suggest a schedule?
To me it sounds absolutely absurd to fight over laundry, though, if I may be frank… doing laundry at night while she is trying to sleep is not going to help the situation. That can come of as rather passive-aggressive, even if it wasn't meant that way.
Do you guy have some old noise washer/dryers? Because maybe... replacing them could help matters.
We had an old dryer (about 12 years old) that squeaked like it had a few hundred mice stuck inside. Annoying sound, even for me (I'm partially deaf). We replaced it with a new dryer and you can barely hear it run even if you sit right next to it. Washer is next for us.
Is this a new thing? Her being this... belligerent about laundry? Or has it just escalated recently?
It seems extreme to get this pissed off about it. I'm not sure what set her off. Could it be that she feels you are pointing out a "flew" in her by this? And that she is acting like a 5 year old by being so angry about washing things?
I mean, it makes no sense to get this hostile.
And I think you need to tell her that SHE isn't the sole authority of when laundry can be done but that you think a schedule would be beneficial for you both. That way IF she agrees she really can get pissed when you do laundry, right?
Also has she seen her doctor about the menopause issues? It might be that hormones can help easy the menopause stage for her, and thus you. While I GET the menopause issue, the mood swing etc. it isn't fair to use as an excuse to bully you.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (26 May 2020):
 I can't imagine fighting over laundry but I can certainly understand how upsetting it is to live with someone who never wants to do the laundry. I wouldn't like that either!
I do understand going through menopause and it does tend to make a woman very irritable and little things that didn't used to matter can suddenly become a HUGE problem so I'm not going to make fun of or talk badly about your wife. Obviously it really bothers her.
When she is calm, try again to talk to her about it. Ask her what can be done that will make her happy and yet allow you to do the laundry. Tell her that putting it in bags is NOT the solution.
Can you make a time once a week where maybe she goes out? You can do it then? Explain to her AGAIN that your laundry needs to be done every week and there has to be some sort of a solution.
I feel for you. I would not be able to stand having dirty laundry all around. I would hate it. I hope you and your wife can work something out but she does need to be more flexible. Marriage is about giving and taking and compromise. Its not fair for one person to always have to give in or sacrifice. Honestly she's very lucky that as a man you want to do the laundry and have things clean! Many women would love a husband that would do the laundry. I wish you could tell her that in a non confrontational way but I doubt if you can. Good luck OP
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (26 May 2020):
 I think a marriage should be equal, normally in a marriage you have his and her jobs and are performed on a regular basis, sometimes even alternating jobs.
It might be the mans job to take the trash out every thursday morning, and mow the lawn on weekends. The Woman might take the roll of cooking, changing the beds etc.
While having blow out arguments over the laundry does seem rather silly i think to calm the situation down maybe sit down with her have a chat and maybe get a little rota drawn up with times that are suitable for her, and suitable for you to perform washing duties.
It is something that has got to be done after all, and the noise of a washing machine is something you are not going to get away from, mine makes an awful racket on the final cycle, like its going to explode. But i know after my clothes and bedding all smell lovely and fresh.
I think there is nothing like getting into a fresh bed with lovely clean sheets.
Maybe you could suggest you do the washing while she is out, maybe she could go for a walk, or if she is out meeting friends.
Talk to her about this sooner rather than later, a happy wife equals a happy life.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2020): Gross.I have always had cats.They have never peed on blankets and such.There usually is a reason for this.The cat may have a uti or kidney infection.Or your litter box may be dirty or your cat might not like the litter you buy.As for washing things the cat peed on....You will never get that smell out.When she bags up that nasty stuff to wash later throw it in the garbage.Your house must smell...that would drive me crazy and make me depressed.Maybe your wife grew up in a gross house and thinks her behaviour is normal.How long are you letting blankets sit that they are so full of cat hair your washer cannot get it out?I line dry my stuff I live where it is always warm.I do not have a car hair problem like that.Do you brush your cat?That helps with hair.Do you vacuum a few times a week and wash your floors a few times a week too...that really helps with hair.As for you wife buy her some noise cancelling headphones and wash away....because no one should have to live in a gross pee soaked smelling environment that is bad for your health.Putting the blankets in garbage bags and leaving them to smell up your house is very gross....garbage.Omg if your wife cannot stand you doing wash trying to make your house cleaned I do not know but might even be a deal breaker.
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