A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I used to have very regular contact with a female friend whom I will name as "A" who attended the same church as me and we coordinated a youth ministry together with other team members. I was close to A and so were the other team members and children who visited her house.Our youth project broke down when A had called her marriage off and pursued a romantic relationship with a guy whom wasn't part of a church at the time.A never initiated contact anymore with any of us for the last couple of years and one former team member thinks she is too heavily involved with her now partner who has moved in with her. A once told me she is content at home. I feel pretty upset because of this and tried to mourn the loss of it. I enjoyed our friendship and ministry but A left our church as people did no agree with her decision.Anyones thoughts to help me process this, thank-you xxx
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (26 May 2020):
 So have you fallen out with this girl because she left your church? Are you not able to still be friends with her? You sound like that it what you would like. Or was the church the only thing binding you together?
You need to ask yourself whether you still value this friendship and would like to still have your ex friend in your life, or whether you have drawn a line under it and actually want to give up on her and move on. There is no right or wrong answer; it is completely down to what YOU want. Friendships end for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, painful as it is, we just have to let go and move on.
I think the best thing for you to do would be to reach out to your ex friend and ask her how she is. Tell her you miss your friendship and would like to stay in contact. If she makes it plain that this is not what she wants, then at least you have tried and have your answer. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I hope she has missed you as much as you have missed her.
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (26 May 2020):
 It sounds to me like she was basically disfellowshipped and she had no other option but to move on with her life since the church did not give her any other options. She had no support right from the problems within her marriage. She made a decision with her own wellbeing in mind and she moved on with her life. Maybe others may not agree with her decisions, but, we can't judge her choices when we don't know what she had to choose from. Keep that in mind.
Your friend probably moved on and left everyone behind because 1. She did not have proper support 2. She does not want anyone to choose between friendship and faith 3. She does not want to be lectured about her choices. She needed guidance but she got judged instead. I'm Christian too and I've seen these things happen. It's the opposite of what God calls us to do in situations like that. Where is the love? Where is the compassion? It's sad that anything and anyone that doesn't fit our ideas get tossed out.
Just because this new guy of hers isn't a member of the church, it does not automatically make him a terrible person. It's an unfair assumption to make without having any sort of confirmation. I wouldn't say that he is the reason she left, the way she was treated was why she left. I would ask you, why, if you really miss her and valued her friendship, did you not try to reach out or go to see her once everything had happened? Why should she, on top of everything else that she was going through have to be the first one to reach out? I think that you and the other friends seemed to go along with the church's judgement and left her out, hanging dry when what you guys should have done was be friendly to her, speak to her, offer some level of support that she clearly was not getting anywhere else. From the sounds of things, it's been years that she hasn't been in your life. If it were me, I'd want to be left alone because it's been long enough but that's just me.
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A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp +, writes (26 May 2020):
You say A hasn't initiated contact with anyone from the church but can you blame her? Sounds like she was judged by the church members because she chose not to marry another church member but rather to pursue a relationship outside the church.
Sounds like you are probably missing the friendship a lot so why can't you reach out to her? Are you too afraid of incurring the other members' disapproval just like she did? Friendship is a two way street. If you miss her, contact her. You do not know what is going on in her life. All you know is what some self righteous people assume. Be an adult and give her a call to see how she is doing. Surely you can have a friend who is not part of your church community. If not I would question what type of community you belong to.
Do it today. Contact your friend.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (26 May 2020):
 You say A left your church because people did not agree with her decision. That was a very Christian decision of the church and it's members. Did anybody try talking to see what the underlying problems within the marriage were?
You don't mention her ex husband, was he also a member of your church. The fact people didn't agree with her decision would impact on her decision not to return to the church. This would be even more likely if her ex husband is still a member.
I think you need to leave her be to get on with her new life unless she reaches out to you.
PS A wise man once told me it was unusual for women to leave the security of a marriage without very good reason, and while society as altered quite a bit since then I think it the majority of cases it still holds true.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (26 May 2020):
Hi there. Perhaps her new romantic interest doesn't want her to come back to church.
Especially, if this new man doesn't belong to any church himself.
He might have stopped her from coming to church, because he thinks it will mean less time with him.
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