A
male
age
41-50,
*emino
writes:Hi,I am 32 and my wife is 34. We got married 8 years ago. We knew each other only for 1 year before we got married. Our sex life is nonexistent and stopped soon after we got married.The Story:Our relationship started as many others - we met at a party at one of our common friends place. Then we lost contact with each other for couple of months and met again.We spent 3 romantic days and I think that was when our love was ignited. 6 or 7 months into our relationship my wife got pregnant. I think, because we were young and got scared my wife had an abortion. We loved each other a lot so we never thought of breaking up and got married soon after.After the wedding my wife moved in to live with me. I lived in a different city so for her it was yet another traumatic experience, after abortion, to move away from her friends and mom. Her father died tragically when she was 13.When she moved to a different city she was very depressed. She had to find her first job, sat alone at home when I was at work - you get the picture. Although I had a lot of empathy for her it was also very difficult for me to get back home after work to a very depressing situation.I think that was when I had my first erection problem. Naturally she thought she is no longer attractive to me and her self esteem dropped even further. She cried a lot. I felt the pressure of not being a "full men" and gradually stopped having sex completely.After she caught me masturbating in bed - the crisis worsened.The second background to this story will be my leg/feet/nylon fetish and compulsive masturbation. I say "compulsive" as recently I do it very often, sometimes twice or more a day.It is worth mentioning, that although I had this fetish long before I met my wife, I never had any problems with intercourse. I actually never expected this to be a problem in my life. I have heard that almost everyone masturbates, and those who don't - they lie. So I never thought it might be the reason for my erection problems.It's been like this for 8 years now. My wife wants’ a divorce. She is still able to give it another try, under the condition that I would seek treatment.Is it possible that I don't find my wife attractive anymore? I love her very much and I can't imagine living without her.Is there possibly another problem, except masturbation, buried deep inside my/our psyche that is affecting my erection?What should I do?
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abortion, at work, depressed, divorce, erection, moved in, self esteem, sex life, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (31 October 2008):
 I think that's a great idea hunny Im so pleased you feel a little better I hope with time you and your wife work everything out and are happy, keep us posted with much love mandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
A
male
reader, Gemino +, writes (30 October 2008):
Gemino is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Mandy!Your kind words make me feel better already. I've been on one counselling session already at Relate some time ago. It was an introductory session and lady who interviewed me said that she needs to see my wife and understand the other side if the story. She said that maybe there is smthg that my wife wouldn't tell me.I need to restart my sessions at Relate and see where it takes me.I really don't want to divorce my wife. It's just became so real and I got seriously worried. Many will ask: so what have you been doing for 8 bloody years then? I think it's a mixture of denial and pretending all problems would just go, and they only grow bigger. Easier said than done.Love!Gemino
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A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (30 October 2008):
Hi Hunny
Glad you got back, There are a few things that I see that may have led up to all these feelings and emotions..
First I'm going to touch on the depression of your wife, You say you sometimes prefer to stay at work than come home, Obviously this depression has gone on a long time and you no its going to be there when you get home so its very understandable in some ways why you feel this way one persons depression can lead to another especially if you are close and don't no what to do to help and make things better, It can make you feel like running away...Also your erection problems could stem from the feelings of depression that you seem to be suffering from due to all this concern and worry, If you don't talk to someone then it builds up and becomes a real problem that will only get bigger..I do suggest some counselling hunny,
I can understand your wife feeling it maybe her that is the problem sexually and getting more depressed about you finding her unattractive, I don't really think you find your wife unattractive as you have said she is gorgeous and sweet and you had these dreams love..You are worried in case you don't get an erection.. She is feeling if you don't she is unattractive..Vicious circle...One that needs to be addressed and broken for you both to move forward. Having a tight fetish isn't a bad thing love and if your not having sex then It is understandable why you would masturbate all the more, Plus you said you do this more when you are down this is completely understandable as it releases certain endorphins that make you feel happier..
The things I think that would make your life better are talking alot more, Talk with your wife about going for couples counselling this has slowly but surely got worse and worse if these problems are addressed one by one your wife will understand more. Counselling for depression for your wife and you separately may be a good idea you have got yourself in a rut and cant move out of it love, It may take some time but with a little help and alot of talking there is a good chance you can get back what you had before you married, If this is what you truly want..I hope this helped a little TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
male
reader, Gemino +, writes (30 October 2008):
Gemino is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Mandy,
Many thanks for your kind and warm words! Sorry for not replying immediately, but been really busy lately.
Below are answers to your questions:
1. My fetish - I am not really sure to be honest. I like watching women in tights. When I see a women wearing tights, skirt and high heels (or no shoes at all) it really turns me on. I sorta like the feeling on nylon and the sound it makes when women's thighs rub each other during walking. I tried putting tights myself as well, but I don't find it sexy. Also, when I see men in tights in the internet I think it looks disgusting.
2. Do I find my wife sexually attractive? - again I am not sure about that. I mean she looks gorgeous, she's really sweet. She never put thighs on though. But we had great sex before we got married and she never worn tights as well. I think I am a bit confused about that. I found myself dreaming that I have sex with my wife few times. And I had very strong erection then - I even laid my hands on her when sleeping. Is it possible that I am too afraid to admit that I don’t find my wife sexually attractive?
3. Masturbation - I think I masturbated a lot since I was a little boy. Obviously it intensified once I stopped having sex at all. After I had sex with my wife though, I felt really satisfied and I thought I will never need to masturbate again. I almost feel like I am being a prisoner of my masturbation and that it controls my life. Every time I feel a bit down, I find it as an excuse to masturbate again. I also never talked about it to anyone.
4. Wife's depression - I felt really bad about it. It's hard for me to admit, but sometimes I preferred to stay longer at work than to come home. I knew she might cry again and feel really bad. I know it sounds cruel - I should have had some empathy for my wife. And I did, but I think it affected me as well. I remember we tried to have sex one day, and I couldn't get an erection - it really deepened her depression. She felt totally unattractive.
Love!
Gemino
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A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (28 October 2008):
Right hunny some questions before I answer this I need more info...Is your leg/feet/nylon fetish purely you like women in tights or do you like the feel and to put on the nylons? if you get me...Do you find your wife sexually attractive? Did you start masturbating alot when you felt your problem with erection affecting your sexual performance with your wife? And when your wife first got depressed did this affect your sex life love? Alot of questions I no but its easier to understand if I have the full picture sweetheart, I can understand your wife feeling upset at the masturbating if your not having sex on a regular basis, I can also understand your errection problems due to stress from her depression and worrying all the time, I believe if you both work hard at understanding each other then this marriage could be saved love, If you both are willing to get help and give it ago TAKE CARE WITH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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