A
female
age
30-35,
*aime90
writes:Me and my bf were talking about what would happen if i got pregnant. I am 18 and only just started studying and am no way ready to have a baby. So i told him, im not ready for a child, as much as it would hurt i would have to get an abortion. He has a one year old daughter to his ex girlfriend who went to get abortion when she was pregnant but backed out.My boyfriend said to me i could not have anything to do with it if you killed a baby. I feel so hurt. How can he say that when he woulnt be the one with the baby inside him? He wouldnt be the one getting operated on. He kept saying things like you dont know what its like because you dont have kids and i kept saying to him im just thinking rationally, were both studying, we couldnt afford a baby and there would be no way i would leave my baby at a babysitter all week, meaning i would have to quit studying. I dont want children when im not married, and what if we broke up i would be a single mum and he would have 2 kids and not be with any of the mothers. He kept saying he would never support me killing a person and he wouldnt even come with me to get an abortion. Even though im not pregnant this hurts me. I am on the pill so i am being responsible and taking measures to ensure i dont get pregnant but he was saying well if your going to have sex your taking a risk and you have to be responsible for it. Then he was saying how i was stupid for getting upset that he wouldnt come with me to kill something he didnt want dead and im not pregnant so i shouldnt be upset. He doesnt understad and he is not being caring for me. He doesnt validate my feelings. I just want to know what everyone thinks about this situation? Am i being stupid? Is he being mean and unconsiderate?
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abortion, broke up, ex girlfriend, his ex, the pill, want children Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): Abortion is not an easy issue to wrap your head around and you both have valid points. There are many people who share your boyfriend's view that abortion is murder. With that viewpoint in mind, it's not unrealistic to expect that he would not want to be involved in something that he views as such. It's not about hurting you. It's just that he strongly disagrees with you on an idealogical level can't be a part of it for moral reasons. Under the current system, you have every right to have an abortion. However, you will have to accept the fact that an abortion would most likely be the end of your relationship, or at the very least, a serious strain on it. Not everyone sees eye to eye on these things and sometimes, there's just no common ground. There are probably things you wouldn't help your boyfriend do, if you're honest with yourself. Instead of being angry and hurt, be thankful you know where your relationship stands if this ever becomes an issue. You cannot expect that any partner is going to be supportive of everything you do. Everyone has lines they won't cross.
A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (28 October 2008):
 You are not being stupid at all, you are actually being really smart to consider this. Most couples get into sex BEFORE discussing the what-ifs of pregnancy- talking about this ahead of time (before the accident happens) can save you a lot of grief. But only if you read the signs and follow them accordingly. I don't think this relaitonship will work out. And here's why.
Sounds like an ideological incompatibility. It seems trifling but it's really not, because these difference have real weight when 'accidents happen'. Think about it. They don't call them 'accidental pregnancies' for no reason- birth control isn't 100% effective (I was conceived while my mother was on the pill, or at least that's what she told all my girlfriends during high school to scare them off me). Unwanted pregnancies happen, they do, there is no way to be 100% safe from them.
So, what if you got pregnant?
You would want an abortion, he would want to force you to carry it to term and raise it. A forced pregnancy is not a happy one, a forced mother is not a happy one, and you'd be forever connected to this man (by child) who does not care for your beliefs, opinions and the integrity of your body. He values an unborn fetus more than he values you and your happiness. You, the one he loves and is with, is secondary to a being that doesn't even exist yet. It's fucked up. Because you are the one who has to carry the thing to term, it will push it's way out of YOUR body while he is grabbing a sandwich at the pub or having a nap in the waiting area. It will swell in YOUR "belly" while he silently wonders why you don't seem as into sex anymore and complains about your hormonal mood swings. He has no appreciation for the sacrifices pregnant women make. He has no appreciation for YOUR individual goals and the direction you want YOUR life to take.
You might get lucky and never get accidentally knocked up, and never have to deal with this crap. But you might not. But I think you have some serious thinking to do about the state of your relationship- how well do you know him? How much do you agree on? Do you have similar goals for the future? Consider all this sooner rather than later, before you find that these ideological differences have REAL weight in your life.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (28 October 2008):
 Why are you worrying about this? Stay on the pill if you are having sex and use a condom, then you don't have to worry about pregnancy. Lots of people strongly believe abortion is wrong. Dump the boyfriend if you are unhappy but I really think this whole thing is a tempest in a teapot.
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