A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So to sum up my problem it's lack of sex. Here's some background. My wife and I have been married for a little less than two years. I'm 34 and she's 29. This is a first marriage for both of us and there are no kids in the picture. When we first got together the sex was great. We were both very sexual people even after the initial infatuation wore off. We were both into trying new things and being open an honest with our desires and fantasies. When we first got together she made a point of telling me how important sex was to her. She told me that she's very satisfied with our sex. She almost always climaxes. I really enjoy giving her oral sex and do that almost every time we're intimate.However, over time our once great sex life has been grinding to halt. We go a month or two at a time with nothing. I've stopped trying to initiate because I've gotten tired of hearing no. She's tired almost all the time. Now I don't feel this is an excuse. Usually after her head hits the pillow she's out within a couple of minutes. And times where she doesn't say no wind up being worse since she'll either imply or tell me she's interested, then she falls asleep on me and leaves me all worked up and extra frustrated.I've suggested we try going up to bed earlier, but she just wants to watch one more show or something. I'm not a confrontational person, so it took a lot for me to bring this up to her. I've tried talking to her about it on several occasions. She apologizes for it and it'll be better for a week or so, but then it goes back to a life of celibacy for us. She tells me she loves me and still finds me attractive. She told me she doesn't take care of herself during this time. She's either too tired or not interested in doing it to herself.I don't have the best self esteem and when it feels like I'm facing lots of rejection, I tend to take it our on myself. It makes me feel worthless and that she doesn't love me. She tells me that she does love me and still finds me attractive, but my self deprecating mind keeps reminding me that actions speak louder than words.I have no desire to cheat. I'm not attracted to any other woman. I want to be with my wife.So there it is. I really don't know what to do. I'm trying not to get upset with her, but it's starting to really affect me. I'm not sure how long I can keep this going. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
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male
reader, mcg +, writes (13 April 2012):
I am in the same situation. If sex is important to you leave this person. I wish I had had left my wife before we were married and had two children. I always that it was such a simple thing. And there were times when we had a good sex life. Now maybe once a month and it is getting worse. I tried to leave her and she always said it would get better. Pull and band-aid off... leave her. You commit to a monogamous relationship then they cut off sex that is just wrong.
Any woman that does not understand how important sex is to a man is not worth being with. Withholding sex from a man is the most selfish thing a woman can do. It is not that much to ask for.
Leave her. Leave her. Leave her. Oh yeah also, leave her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2011): I agree with the last Anon male
sex and intimacy in a marriage is of vital importance.
you need to investigate what is hindering/bothering/cause of concern regarding the lack of sex.
i am married for 20 years this year and I prioritise sex in my marriage.why? because it is the "glue". yes i love my kids but i know what my hubby wants AND NEEDS. Oh, and I am NOT SELFISH........
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2011): Let me give you some advice I wish I had been given a long time ago. Ask yourself if you can live with this problem for the rest of your life.My wife and I have been together for 16 years, we have a 4 year old son. Our relationship is great in a lot of ways, we have similar interests, we work well together and we enjoy being together. We had much more sex when we were dating, but even then it was an issue. We had sex probably about twice a week, which was less than I wanted, but more than she wanted. In the beginning there was always an excuse, and a promise that things would get better at some point in the near future. The excuses ranged from pressures of school, of work, our living situation. Then there was the inevitable, "Maybe something is physically wrong, I'll make an appointment with my doctor and ask her." Maybe its the Pill, maybe its a hormone imbalance, the baby was a handful today, and I am just exhausted. I am a patient and loving husband, so these excuses played out over the course of these past 16 years, the only constant was things haven't become better, they have become worse. Twice a week became once a week. Once a week became once every 10-12 days after we had 2 fights about it. Now we average about once a month, with droughts of up to 6 weeks in the middle. I rarely try and initiate sex anymore, it kills me when I am rejected, and it is somehow worse when she does acquiesce and performs "duty" sex. She has actually referred to this as maintenance sex. When she seems to be in the mood, and then falls asleep, gets a headache, feels sick, or needs to lie down she is always apologetic the next morning, it WAS a long day, and tonight will be better, but you know what the same thing happens again that night, and the next night, because every day is a long day, and those long days turn into long weeks and long years. We have tried counseling, I was into it, my wife wasn't. She wanted the counselor to tell us that our problems stem from something I am doing wrong, but it just isn't true. She honestly expected the counselor to chastise me and send me home with my tail between my legs.My wife had hormone level tests, etc done during her last dr appointment, apparently everything is normal. I have been faithful for 16 years. I love my wife and son more than anything in the world, but this situation is killing me.You have a couple years invested in your marriage, if you are bearing this situation and looking for help then you must be a decent person, and committed to making it work. Here is my bottom line advice... No excuses, get medical tests, maybe its a medical problem that can be fixed, if not, then time for counseling, if that doesn't work then maybe the two of you aren't compatible and should move on, you might both find someone else who makes you happy.Do it now, don't wait until another 10 years have gone by, and kids come into the picture. To echo another responder, don't end up like me...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2011): I am almost seething hearing people giving 'advice' which seems to imply at poster may be at fault....I very much doubt this is the case entirely ....This attitude some women have that 'if i don't want to have sex with you, 'You' have to find the solution alone without any help from me' is unfair and manipulative...Ever heard of passive aggression??...Then they dare to play 'innocent' victim when the repercussions spin....Plus there are no children involved yet...So what the heck is tiring her out sooooooo much??? and some on here agree she must be tired for whatever FLIMSY reason?? and all the freaking time at that...really??? Are you kidding me??? seven days a week, etc??.........We are all adults and we all have to work(with exceptions of those who for one reason do not), but that is not an excuse for neglecting a relationship such as marriage this way when you are in good health and very capable.....People who are married should not neglect their sex-life...It is very dangerous....Issues like this should be resolved ASAP or the erring couple may have to face the consequences of infidelity, desertion or a very unhappy unfulfilled marital life....Even the Bible warns of the possible consequences of deliberately denying each other sex in marriageI agree with male anonymous that this situation is unhealthy....What baffles me is the number of times I read this kind of 'no-sex' or 'too little sex' marriage complaint from men(some women too but way too many times from men).....People do not get married so they can live a celibate life...You go to the convent or monastery for that....If she is suffering from depression or has some emotional issues, SHE SHOULD HAVE THE MATURITY to discuss this with her husband especially as he has shown he is willing to help ....Stop making excuses for her peeps, it just doesn't wash...That's what they are excuses.......I could make up all kinds of suggestions in the world and would still probably be wrong as to what the real problem is, as only @posters wife would be the only one who the truth could emerge fromHas your wife put on a lot of weight or does she have self esteem issues???You both need to go for counselling...Best not to let this situation fester
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): No sane wife expects a healthy married young husband to go a year without sex. It sounds like you have done all you can and then some. If you feel like she is not even putting in a decent effort to meet you halfway then IMHO it's time to give her an ultimatum. A good husband will accept some difficulties but that's not an excuse for her to simply ignore the issue for years on end.
IMHO there is almost surely something deeper going on here.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): I am married for 20 years and have had very little sex for the last 18 of them. You sound like a very considerate man like I am. I don't beg or plead for sex, I can go quite a while without, and I try to be considerate of her feelings. However, a woman like this is a "sex camel." She can go without for long periods of time. My wife gets horny just once a month and if that particular day is a bad day for some reason (she's tired or whatever) then it's another month. The months can really add up that way. If she is like my wife, she doesn't perceive this as a very big problem in the relationship - even if you come out and tell her "This is a big problem." Further, over the years this really has an impact on your own self-esteem and creates trust issues (does she still love you? is she getting it somewhere else?). Go to counseling to help solve this problem. It will not solve itself and you will not be able to solve it. A counselor may not help either, but that is a step to take to let her know how serious this is. If the counseling doesn't work I would really consider leaving her. Don't end up like me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): Mmm well perhaps you could do some research on very professional sites, including 'Dr Phils' wesbite. (Don't laugh if you're not a fan - like him or not he does deal with these exact sort of issues every day)Clearly you are making every effort it seems.Perhaps you need more one on one activities with sex totally out of the occasion, Hiking and wine tasting and day trips are a great part of a relationship, but there also should be loads of relaxing eye contact and dinner looking accross the table in romantic little restaurants.As well as regular emotional bonding through conversation in romantic settings. I would also try and surprise her, I have a cunning plan and hope you might try it.Tell her you want to surprise her and do something nice because she has been working so hard, don't tell her what it is and run a bath for her leave candles and nice classical music playing(if you don't have one then make it candles all over the house and roses). Then say you are going to a mates house or your parents and that you'll be back the next day, make some time to see them and stay with them. Be very positive with your mate or parents and your wife that everything is okay.This might sound a bit odd but I guarantee 100% that your wife will be left alone with her romantic setting wishing you were there and that the next day when you return, you will see a change, a little one that will quietly grow and help shift your relationship into a new dimmension.This is not a game but really assertive and constructive and will help 'change the dynamic between you for the next few years. One of the reasons it will work is because you leave the house, the other becuse it's a beautiful setting.I sincerly hope you will try this as it will give her a jolt in the right direction and have her realise that she misses you a bit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst off, thanks to everyone for your responces. Let me give a little more info to try to clear it up some.She's a grad student working on her Phd. She works about 30 hours a week but that varies week to week depending on how her research is going. She probably averages 8 hours of sleep a night.TOther aspects are good. She's been a bit on edge lately, but the lack of sex predates that. We still hang out and do stuff together all the time including having date nights. We take day trips to go try new things all the time like wine tasting, gem mining or hiking.Missing sex even for a few weeks doesn't bother me, it's when it drags on to months. Then I'm faced with the fact we're not even married 2 years and this is what it's become. And I know when kids come it'll diminish even more.I've tried to seduce her and it doesn't really work. While it occasionally leaeds to sex, most of the time it does not. Either she's not in the mood or by the time we make it to bed she's tired or not feeling well, etc. And with the added factor that now I'm really looking forward to it so I wind up even more frustrated. The things that turn her on just don't seem to do it for her. She either has something else she needs to do, or is too tired at the end of the day.As I've said before, I'm not very confrontational. It took me a while to learn to ask for sex. I used to just try to make a move. Even then, I very rarely ask for it and if she's not receptive I drop it. I don't like to be pestered and hate when I feel like I'm doing it to others. When we do things I never make it about sex. Even on romanctic weekends away. I may bring it up once or twice but once I've put it out there, but if she doesn't appear interested I let it be. This isn't a drought of a few wek or even months but a pattern that's been going on for overe a year. We didn't have sex on our 1st anniversary. I haven't had birthday sex in a couple years. She made it clear that she wasn't feeling well, she was tired, she had gotten a spray tan and didn't want it to get rubbed off, etc. I've been giving her time, not put pressure on her. I've let her know I'm interested and still find her very attractive. I've tried changing things up.She told me when we started dating that sex relaxes her. Yet when she needs to relax or unwind sex appears to be the last thing she's interested in.I just feel like I should just give up on sex altogether. She's just not interested in it with me anymore.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): Honestly women don't always have the same energy levels as men and there are so many stresses these days. She could be overwhelmed internally by any number of things none of which are directly related to your sex life.
Try and give her a holiday and make it clear it is about having a break - 'no sex required' she may need a few of these to re-charge her batteries and just get back to normal without pressure from you. Then you can re-kick a new sex routine.
Bear in mind that life does have it's ups and downs, it is a bit unfair to expect someone and a sex life to be the same all the time.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (15 June 2011):
 What about the other aspects of your marriage? Romance and the general support a partnership offers. Do you know why she is tired all the time? Perhaps she is being overworked? Does she talk to you about it? What do you do to try and lessen the amount of stress she might be receiving?
Do you still take her out on dates? If the sex has started to fade away, what of the romance? Is there still much of it in your marriage?
Try not to focus too much on sex for now. Try to make sure there is still an emotional bond between you, a connection strong enough to perhaps enunciate what love she may wish to express properly in other forms aside from sex, that way when she says she loves you, you'll know whether or not you can believe her and if she says no when you try to initiate sex, you won't take it the wrong way.
I hope that helps.
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