A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am 30 years old and married. I love my wife very much but we have never had the best sex life. I knew from the beginning that we weren't a perfect match sexually but, when we talked about it, she always said that she thought she would get more sexual as she got older. Maybe naively, I thought this sounded likely and I loved her so much that I told myself it would be fine.Things haven't got better. Its not just a disparity in libido. We are fundamentally sexually incompatible. We don't like the same things sexually and we have completely different ideas about how our sex life should be.Recently, I resolved to try and find more pleasure from other forms of intamacy and we also followed some advice about creating a sex schedule to address the libido disparity. The first scheduled sex night came and I performed oral sex on my wife until she had a massive orgasm. She said it was the best she'd ever had so I was very happy. However, she then became very upset and said that she felt exhausted. She believes that a pre-existing medical condition was the cause of this. Needless to say, I told her to go to bed and rest and finished the evening feeling thoroughly unsatisfied.After doing some soul searching, I have come to the decision that my marriage is more important to me than my sex life and I don't want her to continue to be unhappy. Therefore, I need to eliminate (or at the very least, drastically reduce) my own sex drive. I know that masturbation makes it worse so I have resolved to stop that but I need more strategies to de-sexualise myself. So my question is, how do you kill your own libido?
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libido, oral sex, orgasm, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Janeycakes123  +, writes (8 August 2019):
Love sometimes isnt enough. We have our needs. This is a need of yours. I was recently dating a guy and I have an extremely high sex drive and guess what, he didnt! I used to fight with him the whole time and as much as i loved him i couldnt accept it, it is something that i need that will not go away and life is life! life sentence if u wanna call it i would rather die than have a life with a bad sex life. love or not. You have to decide what you want out of life and whats important to you. Clearly you already married so you feel trapped and dont know what to do now, so i'd suggest yes you try sex counselling BOTH OF YOU together, and if that doesnt work .... sorry but you'll have to find another alternative, you cannot suffer like this.
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (7 August 2019):
 Super LOL,
Kill your sex drive...Ha...no sir, you are going to need every ounce of it as she gets older....Trust me.
I have been exactly where you are, thought exactly as you did, felt the way you did....and guess what??? I was dead wrong every single time.
My wife and I have different sex interest as well, but that difference is the key. The answer is in how you love her. You see all the wrong at the moment. All the negative in the lack of sex, the unsatisfied sexual desires. This has blinded you from seeing what you have right in front of you. You say you love your wife very much...But guess what she does not feel from you??? LOVE. She feels your frustration, she feels your unsatisfied needs, your disappointment, your need to find other sources of fulfilment other than her....she feels all your negativity...not love.
Women needs...craves... LOVE to want sex. Men need sex to feel loved. In other words...one must give to receive. You want, but how much do you give? Do you give it in the right way that she needs it? Do you give love with expectations? Do you give lo0ve only after you had your needs fulfilled? If any or all of those things are true, then you are causing your own problem...NOT HER!!!
We men feel it is our right to have sex because we have this massive horniness...and well...we have a wife right there, so why not?? She also has needs. So why should yours be fulfilled, and hers just...whenever.
You have a job yes...Do you work for free? You put in your time and you get paid. If you decide to show up only on pay days, should you be paid for the days you did not show up?? Well buddy...having sex days is exactly like that. You just show up on sex days with love. The other days you just slack off, then expect to get full payment...nope. Most husbands are super nice to their wives four times a year...Birthdays, Valentine's Day, Anniversary, and Christmas. But for the rest of the year, they expect full service from their wives for free. Then complain when they don't get what they want.
Show up every day with love and communication. Show her you are there for her...not because you expect something in return, but because as you said, you love her very much. Then hang on to your sex drive, because no man has ever out sex a woman yet. Nothing removes a woman's underwear faster than good old fashioned love. When you focus on her needs, not what you want. When you give everything you cannot buy in a store...like respect, love, communication, and so on.
9 times out of 10...The one complaining about their partner, is the one causing their own problem.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 August 2019):
 I think you need to talk to your wife before you do anything that can irrevocably change your libido.
Is that something you wife would WANT you to do?
And what kind of trauma has she been through that sex is such a negative thing?
I think you both NEED to have an open and honest talk, and perhaps find a counselor that can provide some tools so you and your wife can find (hopefully) some kind of HEALTHY compromise.
I could NEVER agree to this, if my husband suggested it. Because I think it would be unfair on him.
While I AM in a sort of sex-less marriage (due to my husband's medical issues) It didn't happen until 15 years into the marriage and we STILL (at little over 20 years of marriage) find OTHER ways for intimacy.
BUT if I was 30 and had no kids and it was the beginning of the marriage... I'm not so sure I would want a sexless marriage.
Your wife either has some traumatic experience with sex or she is asexual. I think it might be a good idea to explore which. So SHE can get help if it's the first and you can kinda have a clue as to why there is no real sex.
I think she was UNFAIR to marry you. And unfair to suggest that MAYBE her libido would change with age. While it CAN for some women, if she is traumatized in the past or asexual, THOSE things aren't going to change.
You two need to talk.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (7 August 2019):
 But here's the thing. You CAN'T kill your libido. Can you kill hunger? Thirst? Love? Hate? Fear? Similarly, you can't kill your sex drive which is a basic instinct.
You know you are mismatched; you're right. Where you're wrong is, you're actually thinking that there's some magical way to make you less sexual a person. There isn't. Short of meditating in the Himalayas for the rest of your life and rejecting all worldly pleasures and possessions, I don't think there's any way to "kill" your own libido!
What do you do then? It's not easy to survive a sexless marriage but if you don't want to throw it away then all I can think of is couple's counseling. Maybe that can help you and your wife to a certain extent.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2019): Singinbluebird men derive their self worth from sexually satisfying women? I don’t know who has been feeding you such garbage. OP, men derive self worth from achieving their goals and being upstanding members of society. Teenage boys derive their self worth from sex.
So, you tried scheduling sex once and gave up because you didn’t get your end off? I bet most women here have accepted that every now and then they give and don’t receive back. How did you respond the next day to your partner? Did you talk calmly and objectively about trying again? Throwing the towel in after one attempt in which your partner enjoyed sex but became anxious afterwards is pretty lame. Have you sought relationship counselling?
Your post sounds self defeated and overblown. Sex isn’t the most important part of a relationship - sex won’t take care of you when you’re old or make you feel understood. We can have great sex with people who are totally incompatible. I know which one I’d rather keep long-term.
Have you thought that your partner may have had some serious trauma surrounding sex? Try talking to her instead of sulking that she doesn’t want to bang you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2019): Can the two of you not have a relationship as friends because basically that’s what you’ll be . This would allow you to find another wife and her to explore what direction she wants to go in terms of relationships
It’s seens sad to miss out on a physical relationship just because of someone else . Do you have children together
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (6 August 2019):
 I'm so sorry hear this.
Sex isn't everything but it is so essential and important in building a satisfying romantic relationship-- or else you both are just friends or roommates.
You sound crazy for her but I don't think your needs are met in this case. And i honestly don't think it's just sexual compatibility, all men I know derive their identity and worth as a man by knowing they can and do fulfill their woman's sexual needs. So i feel like you don't feel like a man because sex needs not only met but your wife is not or will not allow herself be sexual In that way. Most women are highly sexual but some grow up ashamed or put their sexuality away to have " self control" in life.
I think this is a case of self identity . If your intimacy needs ( affection, kissing, handheldimg and words of appreciation and love) are met except for intercourse, evaluate if this someone you can be with forever.
If you going be married another 40 years , really question if it's best find a more compatible partner or just masturbate for rest of your life?
I don't think killing libido will help, our energy in life, to live and breathe and wake up is often times driven by our evolutionary need ( for men in this case ) to achieve, provide and procreate ,have sex, contribute and protect. Part of being a man comes from this high energy testerone penetrating sexual energy. And if this energy doesn't awaken your wifes sexuality, then it will do so for another woman.
I think this is only a question you can answer. Sexual compatibility is very very important. It can end or break relationships. If not now, it will end later or much later with cheating and getting needs met elsewhere.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2019): Sir, how can you be so lacking in knowledge and wisdom, that you proceeded into a marriage with this woman? You must truly be a gambler, by nature to believe that your then girlfriend was going to grow into a higher sexual appetite. Then after being married, you learn that your wife has had a pre existing medical condition? Why do people not be transparent, and have these difficult questions out in the open, for discussion prior to an engagement and a wedding? Now you want to be noble and have your libido killed? The time for nobility was before getting married to a woman who you already knew, was not compatible, with you! If you are truly stupid enough to medically pursue it, there is chemical castration and there is surgical castration. I also DO NOT recommend self mutilation. Seek counseling, my friend!
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A
male
reader, Boris Grushenko  +, writes (6 August 2019):
 And then I remember I once had the desire to kill of my desire. An agony aunt called Candid Cally brought "Surrogate Partner Therapy" under my attention. I did never use it as my situation gradually got resolved but the information might be useful to you.
http://www.surrogatetherapy.org/what-is-surrogate-partner-therapy/
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A
male
reader, Boris Grushenko +, writes (6 August 2019):
I have the same experience with escitalopram and other SSRI's. They come at a cost though: with escitalopram I gained 26 kg over a period of 1 year and was sleepy all through the day. Other SSRI's only made me sleepy (apart from the loss of sex drive, that is). When I talk about sleepiness, think 12 hours of sleep on a working day and I would "catch up", sleeping 169 hours a day in the weekends.
Another alternative would be to look to the medication that is sometimes administered to sexual offenders. They are designed to kill off your libido, but here too you can expect to have severe side effects.
That is just to say medication is not an option.
I believe you will have to work out a few things: how important is sex to you and how important is your marriage? Some counselling as a couple might be useful: you will be in a relatively safe environment where your wife can talk about her desires (or - as you perceive it - a lack of it) and you will be able to express how you feel with your current sex life. You will probably not get fireworks in bed every evening - if that is even what you whish for - but a better understanding of each other can have a positive influence on your relationship and smoothen the sharp edges of your frustration out.
But keep in mind that you can not kill your own libido. In fact, in theravada buddhist thought, the presence of sexual desire is one of the discriminating factors between the arhat (one who aspires to reach enlightenment) and the buddha (he who has reached enlightenment) which indicates how sexual desire is a fundamental part of the human condition.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (6 August 2019):
 I would advise against it. It won't work, but that's just my opinion.
In reality all you really need to do is to tell your doctor that you have anxiety, or feel depressed. This is true based on your post. Being in the USA, your doctor will quickly (and thoughtlessly) prescribe an antidepressant. More than half of them will have "sexual side effects", which is a euphemism for "kills your sex drive".
I took escitalopram for about 6 months. And it pretty much resolved my anxiety and depression. It turns out I was anxious and depressed about being sexless. When I had no, zero, zilch interest in sex, I stopped being depressed and anxious about sex.
There is a pretty good chance that your wife will notice this right away. Her response will likely be either to think you aren't attracted to her, or are cheating on her. Can you see where this will lead?
So that's an answer to your question and advice not to go that route. In the end I stopped taking the pills and see the world as it is. I know that my life is what it is, and that there is little hope for a sexual revival.
Some more advice: You are deciding to pursue a very difficult relationship. You are going to need a lot of support and advice. (1) Go ahead and make a full account here or at another more adult relationship forum. (2) Get an individual counselor that you can afford to visit regularly. (3) Look into some self help books.
FA
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