A
male
age
36-40,
*wh1592
writes:Hello everyone. I have been with my wife for almost 6 years. We have been married 2 1/2. I have one step child (8) and we have 1 child together (1 1/2). Our relationship has been nothing but successful when it comes to teamwork, communication, friendship, monetary success, overcoming hardships, etc. The one thing we have had hard-times with is sex and intimacy. We struggled to effectively communicate what each other wanted and gradually created a void in that department. We have been through the ringer so to speak with issues. Her ex husband hung himself (very difficult for my step son), her grandfather died, bought a foreclosure (furnace broke down in winter, built a deck, remodeled bathrooms, and so many other home improvements), car accident, she has a thyroid issues (makes her tired and lethargic), i went to school to get my degree, i manage 2 retail stores, and so on and so. We have extremely busy lives and have neglected each other. We had our moments in bed but nothing ever truly connected just rock star sex.I want nothing more than to be emotionally connected to my wife and I have vowed to communicate my needs and respond to her needs. She says she respects me and loves me and wants this to work. But she says she is not optimistic that things can turn around simply because she hasn't seen the changes happen. I recently found out that she talked with a man from her past. They used to be together as friends and as a couple. I found out, before she told me, but she admitted everything. There was no physical affair just picture messages, txt, and calls for about 3 weeks. I had all her phone records and confirmed how long they had been talking. She simply needed an emotional flirting outlet and he had been that for her in the past. I confronted him and he whole heartly apologized to me and my family and said they would not talk again until we figure things out. i told her I am ok with a friendship with this guy. He was around when her father suddenly died of heart failure when she was 17. She has repressed memories of this time and talking to him helps her remember who she was back then. Regardless of all of that, she wants to give me an "opportunity" to win her heart again. This all went down in a matter of a few days, and of course emotions where high and I made it clear to her that I had my children and my own interests in mind and would not tolerate it anymore. Afterward I told her I understood her infidelity and need to connect emotionally to someone. She commended me for my respect and integrity and told me i now have her 100% attention and energy. She wants it to work but is still very skeptical that it can work. We have decided to give it a fresh start and work to build a loving, intimate and emotional connection both sexually and non sexually.There is so much more to tell but it is difficult to put it into words. We are best friends and excellent communicators. Will my marriage be able to be saved? Is she being fair to me? She says she doesn't love this other man. She says she is not buying time. I need an outside perspective other than my own family and friends, they are biased.
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affair, best friend, flirt, her ex, her past, infidelity Reply to this Question
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (28 May 2010):
 If she's being all ga ga over his poetry, she's not putting that effort into working on your relationship. She's getting an emotional itch scratched elsewhere, and that's got to be interfering with your marriage.
I don't know that you can "make" her do anything. But you should express in very clear terms your discomfort with her being in contact with this guy (you shouldn't even need to do that -- it should be completely obvious to her). If she carries on, then yes indeed I'd say you were prolonging the inevitable.
A
male
reader, awh1592 +, writes (28 May 2010):
awh1592 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo give everyone an update we have been up and down everyday since I spyed on her and made her admit her emotional infidelty. They even wanted to get together this weekend! I want her to stop talking to him but he has known her since she was in high school. He dissappeared for 7 years and has now reappeared. He professes his love for her in poetry. Says he cant stop thinking about her. She also has told him that she has the same feels for him. My wife does want to work on our relationship but I am torn as to whether we are actually working on us or just proloning the inevitable separation. We have 2 children and a wonderful house, friendship, and understanding. She wants more lust and intimate sexual connection. I also want this and hope with time we can have it. Should I make her stop talking to this man altogether? Can I trust her?
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A
male
reader, awh1592 +, writes (19 May 2010):
awh1592 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo explain my issues that created this void of intimacy I can start with my childhood. My parents struggled mightly and showed little affection towards each other. Unfortunately I have struggled to open up to her. Everytime she tried to open i would regress because I felt insecure. I see now that I need to be less critical of myself and her at those critical times.
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (19 May 2010):
 Kim Catrall's book: The Art of the Female Orgasm is an excellent place to start, it affords a superior and frank understanding. You'll be a porn star, rather than a rock star in no time.
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (19 May 2010):
To risk being tactless: am I understanding that it is you who is mildly sexually repressed or inexpressive? This is a highly "learnable" thing.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (19 May 2010):
I appreciate your trying to keep your question as short as possible, but I really feel like I'm missing something important here: "But she says she is not optimistic that things can turn around simply because she hasn't seen the changes happen." What changes are you expected to make? She seems to be implying that you've done something wrong.
Something that you two must be missing is "alone time." Do you have a support network who could look after your kids occasionally? A couple of hours alone together in the afternoon to walk in the park; a quiet dinner in a restaurant; a night in a hotel -- all those kinds of things help couples stay connected. It sounds like your relationship is crying out for that kind of time together.
From what you've told us, you ought to be able to work this out. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, awh1592 +, writes (19 May 2010):
awh1592 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo answer your question as far as remission. I have not be able to fully open up intimately. I grew up in a Catholic household with not much affection between my parents. I also have had difficulty being sexually expressive, even though i wish nothing moe than a unihibited and awesome sex life. There were a handful of situation where she was frustrated with me and i fell back in defense because i was worried about my manhood. We have talked about this issue and i am going to take her feedback and do my best to open up. She says that "sex" is a very crucial part of our marriage and her eyes is a deal breaker. She married me because I'm solid. The reason she is not optimistic is because we have never had a good sex life. Thats what I plan on growing with her. She'll see.
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (19 May 2010):
Phew. Ok, you have a lot on your plate right now, don't you? It sounds to me like you're fully dedicated and genuinely want to make this work. Those are two HUGE as well as important factors in your favor. I see nothing wrong in you having your's and your children's best interest in mind. That makes you a good parent.
Another thing in your favor is the fact that she came clean on the emotional outlet thing, that speaks positively to you both.
What throws me here is why do you need an opportunity to win her heart back? Where did it go? What have you been so remiss in that you need to win her back? It sounds to me as though you've been terribly understanding and compassionate. Provided you and she both are equally dedicated to resolving your issues and moving on with your joint life, then you're a fine candidate for a marriage that has weathered it's rough patches and you know that this, too shall pass. I say work hard at what you're doing, keep your chin up, be honest, be nice because nice matters and devil take the hindmost! It sounds as though you're doing a great job under some very intense circumstances. If you remain uncertain, perhaps consider seeing if a marriage counselor has some better ideas for you both. Best of luck you both!
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A
male
reader, RyanS  +, writes (19 May 2010):
 Hi, thanks for sharing. 1. Why is she skeptical if it will work with you? Ask her to explain to you where her doubts originate from.2. I can feel you want more intimate/emotional connection with your wife, and that's a separate thing from great communication. It will happen when you know in your heart that your wife loves you 100%. Then even average sex life will feel good. 3. Ask her to do things that pleases you sexually. If she loves you she will do. I know it feels odd to demand something in the bed (it should come naturally) but sometimes making such action happen can open up a different level of connection which is missing.You are going through a real test of character and strength at 25, and it will make you stronger than before.
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