A
male
age
51-59,
*eedhelp73
writes:I am a married man of 5 years. While my wife is a wonderful mom to our two children our relationship has diminished to the point where I feel were just good friends. She does not feel the same, but unfortunately our lack of time together, intimacy and other things have driven me away and I have serious doubts we can recover. Recently I did what I thought I could never do...I had an affair. The sad thing is I don't have much guilt about this. This new relationship filled in much of what was missing from my life. My wife wants us to get counseling and we have attended two sessions, but I still just don't see my feelings change no matter how much I try. I have not told her and never will that I cheated because I do not want to hurt her by any means, but the hard part is my new relationship thinks that I'm not serious about getting a divorce and has since tried breaking things off. I feel so empty inside and I don't know if I should continue with the therapy sessions, get a divorce, break things off with my girlfriend or what. I'm looking for any criticism, advice or whatever you can offer. This whole thing is just sickening me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (19 May 2010):
 Yours isn't the first marriage to run into problems once kids show up. It changes the dynamic in a fundamental way. You used to be number one in her life, and now you rate third at best. You used to be able to just drop everything and have sex. Now the chances of both of you being in the mood and having the energy at the same time, and at the same time having the privacy to do anything about it, are slim. Whether or not you realized it at the time, this is the life you signed up for.
Your wife is willing to work with you on this. Instead, you've chosen the easy way out -- you're having an affair. And as happens in almost all of these cases, your honey is putting the pressure on.
You feel like you've hit decision time. Fair enough. You can decide to man up and do what's hard -- make your marriage work, keep your home intact for your kids, and don't ever again mess with another woman. Or you can admit that you simply don't have what it takes to be a husband and father, get a divorce, and let your wife find a man who actually has what it takes. It doesn't sound like your g/f will let you continue to take the least honourable course and keep sleezing around behind your wife's back.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2010): This is tough, initially I thought yes, you are obviously not happy and had an affair so you should just get a divorce, easy enough. I generally say if you really & truly love someone you will not cheat. However, going through things in my life now (can't say I have cheated or the DH has either, that I know of...) I think you need to stop & ask yourself, do you love your wife? Do you really really really love her? If you say yes, then love is a powerful thing and you will do whatever it takes to get things back on track. But you have to be honest with yourself, and with her. If you don't love her and don't feel like working on things (which take it from me is HELL) then you should move on. You honestly do care about her and don't want to hurt her, but it's not fair for her to stay with someone who doesn't love her, and it's not fair for you to spend your life pretending...life is too short. Sorry, not great advice, but maybe it helps some anyway :)
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A
female
reader, trayt  +, writes (19 May 2010):
to be honest you seem to be stuck in a rut with your wife, i think that you should take some time out on your own to think and see how you feel, at this time in your life you need to not be with the other girl the time is just not right now if its meant to be in the future when you sort your head out it will happen, but take it from someone who knows my ex left after 12 years cause he thought he had feelings for someone else after leaving he has taken it worse than me suffering from anxiety attacks etc.. but he made his bed and i wished him all the happiness in the world with the other girl even though i do love him, he made his choice hurting me he now hates the idea of another man being in his house with his son, even though this i can not see happen for a long time as i am still in love with him but the damage has been done, as he said to me the grass isnt always greener i just wish he would have thought of that before he left ... talk to your wife .. try the counselling but take some time out away from it all to think.. make sure its the right decision for you...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2010): So if your wife cheated on you would you not want to know, imagine If you loved someone enough to marry them and have kids and they did that to you, you'd feel angry, upset and sick.It will be making her feel like she isn't good enough.My dad had an affair when I was younger, because that relationship was damaged when I was younger it never really came back
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