A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My wife had an abusive alcoholic father, and unsupportive mother in her teens. As a result, she moved out right after high school, and got married to this guy she was dating for only 6 months. Well, they were only married for less than 1 year and were seperated when we met. They have no kids, however, we are married for almost 5 years now and have 2 kids, and considering 1 or 2 more. This 1st guy was a jerk, would work for a few months to get money, then stop and stay home drinking and was verbally abusive (never got physical, my wife isn't the type to take that, she would fight back, and I think he knew not to cross that line).Here is my problem, my wife never loved this guy, he was just there when she had to leave her parents house, they have no kids, no ties whatsoever. His (the 1st) family keeps contacting us, and my wife's parents to keep them updated on things in his life. (like we care). However, my wife seems to think it's no big deal to keep informed and in touch with him and his family. His (the 1st) grandfather died, and my wife actually mentioned that maybe we should go to the funeral. Needless to say, we didn't, but we had a huge fight over her even bringing it up. She is being very unfair to me and 'OUR' marriage by letting this contact continue. She has no feelings for him, but says this was a part of her life. I agree, it was part of her PAST, but that is just it, PAST. Drop all contact, and let's build OUR life together is what I say. Isn't she being wrong about this? All contact with this 1st loser should completely end, he and his family need to be told 'back off - get out of our lives'.
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female
reader, neverguesswho  +, writes (20 June 2008):
THis is a hard question....Fact is, he was with her during a rough time in her life and sometimes those hardships bond ppl together. In a way, although he may have been a jerk, he was an important person in her life considering the circumstances.
Now has she always been honest about their contact..... if not I can see how that would bother me. Do you feel that the frequency of their conversations are innapropriate? That I could understand too. Just What is it exactly that makes you uncomfortalbe about the friendship? Has something changed since the begining of you and her that has made you feel more this way?
It sounds like a trust issue and believe me I know how you feel ....Now let me say I'm not judging... I recently found out my fiance was in touch with his ex much more than he let on and furthermore the conversations were a bit flirtatious and in the grey area. What bothered me so much about that was the lie or the being left in the dark and not to mention some of the comments or subject matter.
You need to figure out 'why' you feel this way first. Has she breached your trust in some way? That could be a big cause of it. OR do you think his intentions are more than friendly?
If you give me a little more backstory here I might be able to offer some more advice.
A
female
reader, santaclaus  +, writes (20 June 2008):
He was there when she needed someone, I think she feels a sense of loyalty to him for that. How do you know she didn't love him at the time? i think you are letting it get to you and you need to let go of this anger. I think i would say, that she can keep in touch as long as it does not interfere with your family life, tell her you don't want to hear about it and neither do the kids, it maybe part of her life but its not part of yours! If this doesnt work a polite word in a few ears wouldn't go amiss.
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (20 June 2008):
 The title "ex" weighs heavy, but he is her friend. The reason you have issues with it is because you dont trust her, deep down. If you arnt comfertable with it, it would be a good idea to tell her, when the mood is calm. What I noticed works is to put your shoes on her feet. "So, it would be okay with you if we visited my ex's family, and I talked to my ex frequently?" If she can honestly say "sure", then she obviously has no idea that this is a serious issue for you. You arnt upset so much that the guy is a complete tool, you are upset that she cant just forget about him, for you. I see why you are upset, but argung with her about it will only make it worse. If she is really attatched to talking to him and his family, try to compromise with her. Otherwise, she will start lying about doing it, hiding it from you, and THEN you will really have some trust issues to deal with! Tell her, "fine, just dont expect me to get involved. It is disrespectful to me. I would never ask you to do that for me." To be completly honest, I think she needs to make new friends;-)
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