A
male
age
51-59,
*wonnicles
writes:Hello,I work as a sales manager for a company where we sell a certain type of industrial product and sometimes I have to assist customers with on site repairs and solving issues.Today, I had such a problem. I told my wife when I left at around 9 am that I may not get back home until at least 4.30 to 5pm as I had to assist this customer with an issue. Things went from bad to worse and when I knew around 3.30pm that I was running late, I text my wife and let her know. I was stuck for another hour and as soon as I left my customer at 4.30pm, I rang my wife and told her I was onMy way home and would be 2 hours. As it was, I was home within and an hour and 45 minutes. She didn’t answer me at the time but then rang and basically accused me of cheating and lying about where I had been.This has happened many times and I always try to let her know if I am late. My problem is this, her answer to any of this and accusing me of cheating is to cheat on me. She has done this many times and says that she will find another man if I keep coming home late. I should add, this coming late happens maybe every few months.Do you think she is right to say she will cheat even though there is no evidence to back up her accusations of me?
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male
reader, Kofcalifornia  +, writes (27 November 2021):
Sounds to me like she is trying find a way to cheat on you guilt free. Perhaps she simply has too much free time on her hands. Ssuggest she get a job and u work less hours if possible. If she has been cheated on in the past remind her that it wasnt u that cheated on her. Besides all that tell her very clearly that you love her and go to work to provide for the two of u. Tell her that she is being irrational and that you refuse to be guilt tripped or threatened. Let her know the consequences if she does decide to cheat. Remember you are the prize not her. Know your worth and dont ever accept unfair and unjust treatment
Put your foot down and continue doing you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2021): OP, there are always TWO sides to every story and YOUR WIFE is not here to tell her side, nor to defend herself.
Please tell us WHY she behaves in this way. WHAT HAPPENED TO HER to cause her such insecurities with YOU?
There is no way any person would behave this way without a reason.
What is hers?
Did you cheat on her before or with a previous wife or partner? Why does she have such a hard time trusting YOU OP?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2021): Is this a new behavior you're just beginning to experience in your wife, or was she always a jealous and suspicious person? Did she always have an aversion to your job?
It goes back to when we are dating people that we should observe certain telltale-behaviors and personality-quirks that seemed cute, or tolerable back then; but once these people become your spouse, you've pretty much reaped what you've sown. Meaning you became her enabler; because you probably didn't address her jealous-tendencies (or insecurities) when they first became apparent during your courtship. You probably wrote it off as just the way she is, thinking women are like that; or mistook jealous-possessiveness for love. I will assume she's now in her 50's? Well, leopards don't change their spots, and their spots don't fade with time either. She is who she always was, but now finds no reason to hide it.
It might just be an old-wives' tale, but people who accuse you of cheating are often the cheater; or looking for every excuse to cheat. I remember my older-sister used to say, "the accuser has a guilty-conscience!"
You can't overlook certain personality-traits or outright character-flaws as something "you'll change" in people. Look at it this way, when a person full of jealousy is trying to get hitched; they'll suppress it as much as they can. There are usually slip-ups and red-flags you've overlooked; because you let love blind you. Or, you were so much in-love, you were in-denial. You've probably convinced yourself, she'll grow out of it once she knows how much you love her; or she loves you so much, it makes her crazy. Maybe you've dedicated your life to proving how much you love her. I don't know about you; but I don't want anybody literally "crazy" about me! Crazy means you have a pathological/irrational loss of self-control, or no control over your impulses!
We sometimes will dismiss jealousy as a quirk, just one of their little flaws, or you think you can live with it. Don't compare how you handle or manage your own jealousy to how other people handle theirs. You're not a mind-reader, and you don't know how deep it goes; until you've become a victim of it. It's even worse when you are threatened with vicious retaliation for doing something you haven't done; and they don't have any evidence to support their accusations. Then you damned-well better wonder where it's coming from? You know you haven't done anything! Being your wife, she should know and trust you.
Alright, let's think. Are there friends or family-members who might be poisoning her mind? Someone lurking in the shadows, deliberately sabotaging your marriage, by negatively-influencing her thinking? Sometimes people who don't like you go behind your back; and undermine your relationship(s) by getting to your partners, or the people we cherish. If a bad-influencer keeps repeating probable scenarios and rumors enough; they'll provoke suspicion. In-time, it will build fear and mistrust. An already jealous and suspicious-mind will interpret mere suggestion, or a repeated-lie, as truth. How well do you get along with your mother-in-law, or sister(s)-in-law? How much is she influenced by her best female-friend, even an ex, or a male-friend?
Jealousy is toxic, it goes from noxious to downright corrosive! Once any relationship is full of that kind of poison; you will never have peace. Trust is lost, or may never have existed in the first-place! Jealousy grows deep roots; and jealous-people who suffer from undetected/untreated mental-disorders can make life a living-hell! They always have the convenient excuse of abandonment, having been burnt by somebody; or they've made a series of bad-choices. Now their old-baggage is forever dumped in your lap!
So tell me, how does anybody-else's past failed-relationships try and convict you, for something somebody else did to them??? Why haven't they gotten over it, after so many years passed? Why are they still carrying scars leftover from others, making it your cross to bear??? I wouldn't settle for the excuse, "that's just how I am." Oh, that's all the more reason for me to make you history!!! I HATE DRAMA!!!
Some people confuse passion with drama. There is a clear distinction. If you can't make that distinction, you've got to go!!!
You are a mature married-couple, for however long that has been. I only presume she is within your age-group. Changing jobs and staying within her range of monitoring won't necessarily cure her jealousy and suspicions. Her "alleged" or "implied" insecurities are making her accusatory; while you suffer the brunt of being falsely-accused, without the benefit of the doubt. Who knows? She might be up-to something herself, and thinks accusing you will avert any suspicion. This is only conjecture and speculation on my part. You have no proof she is; it's just probability. That's all it seems she's acting on, when accusing you!
Insist on taking her through marriage-counseling; with the ultimatum that the marriage will not survive without it. She can't get a handle on the jealous-suspicions; and keeps looking for her own excuse to cheat on you. Seems she's using psychological-blackmail; to coerce you into going out of your way to prove yourself faithful, or submit to monitoring. If she refuses to seek remedy through professional-counseling (or therapy); then consider hiring a lawyer, and seriously consider a divorce. Jealousy and love are opposing-emotions. Jealousy implies ownership; love is not a form of entrapment or captivity! Love is voluntary!
If you and your wife came together because of cheating, or she knows you have a history of cheating in the past; she has never trusted you, and probably never will. That means you may never establish trust and harmony in your marriage; and the only choice may be divorce. I would recommend trying to save it first, but don't waste your time; if she refuses to seek marriage-counseling, or therapy to deal with her jealousy. You'll just continue to fight about it; and you'll reach your saturation-point. Then a divorce is inevitable. If she's willing to seek professional-help to save your marriage, give it a try. Love, and mutual-effort, is the key to saving your marriage.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 November 2021):
 What are you getting out of this marriage?
I mean, you work long hours, get accused of doing things you don't and you are being cheated on and also blamed for HER infidelity and lack of respect.
Find a good solicitor, set yourself free. And then she can screw around as she pleases.
I bet you will find your life so much more peaceful and enjoyable.
Now I know, you are hoping you can somehow "fix" this with your wife, but I don't think you can change her way of acting and thinking.
She has no trust in you. You already know YOU can't trust her. There isn't any respect for you either.
I'm sorry to say, for me, this would be a no-go. I'd be done. We all have limits to what we will allow being put through. You have to decide where yours is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2021): Aword"trust".why on earth is she not trusting your wherabouts?You went out to work not a dayclub.
This is a big PROBLEM!
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (26 November 2021):
 In my opinion your wife is the one with the problem and not you.
You are out working performing a role of sales manager for a company. You give her a breakdown of all the times, and inform her that you might be late, so apart from this there is not an awful lot you can do really. She is acting like you have gone out on a jolly up with your pals and not called her for a few days.
I think accusing you of cheating, then saying that she will cheat herself is both puerile and stupid, especially if she is in the same age bracket as you are.
Her insecurities and accusing you of cheating when you are just simply trying to your job has got to stop, if she keeps up with this i fail to see how this marriage can hold out.
I don't know where her insecurities come from, or whether she has been cheated on by you, or someone else in the past, but to not trust your whereabouts when your simply at work, this mistrust must have emanated from somewhere.
I feel you need to sit down and have a long chat with her, and tell her your doing nothing wrong, just working, and being in sales the times often vary, communication is key here.
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