A
male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend has been sent to prison for the next couple of years at least and I don’t know whether or not to just throw in the towel on our relationship. I really don't think I can wait for her. Plus I’ve really started developing feelings for one of my old friends.We’ve been going out for 3 years. The problem has always been though that when she drinks she turns into an idiot. She becomes reckless, out of control and worst of all violent and aggressive. Back in July she was out clubbing with friends and drunk herself silly. It was just as nightclubs were finally starting to open up again after the pandemic so apparently her and her mates absolutely had to go all out. She ended up getting into an altercation with another group of girls and ended up glassing one of them in the face. She was barely an inch from taking the girls’ eye out. If that wasn't bad enough, she also made racial slurs towards the girl, who was of Indian descent. In the end she was charged with Actual Bodily Harm, which prosecutors alleged was racially aggravated. I was so angry with her because I’d told her time and time again she needed to stop drinking so much but she just wouldn’t listen.If that wasn't bad enough, she then stupidly pleaded not guilty, despite her solicitor saying she was banged to rights as it was caught on CCTV. Add to this the fact that she already had a previous conviction for common assault (Surprise, surprise, she was drunk on that occasion too) that happened barely a year earlier and it really wasn't looking good. But her problem was she wouldn’t listen to anyone, only herself. She was adamant her story would convince a jury and outweigh all the evidence against her. But the prosecution more or less ripped her testimony to shreds at her trial last month. I can remember just sitting with my head in my hands as the Barrister made mincemeat of her defence when she was being cross-examined. She was eventually found guilty of ABH. Because she'd shown pretty much no remorse for her victim and was obviously only out to save her own skin the judge threw the book at her. Her sentencing was a couple of weeks ago and she was given 3 years in prison. Me and her Mum was absolutely stunned coming out of the court, but on reflection I can't really argue with it at all. At the same time though if she just accepted what she'd done and pleaded guilty she would likely have gotten away with a suspended sentence and community service. But no, she had to do things her way and it cost her.She called me from prison later that evening after she was sentenced and was ranting and raving about how unfair everything was and how it was everybody else’s fault except hers. Literally no accountability anywhere. She didn't even ask what it meant for our future and just assumed I'd wait for her. But I was honest and said I was at the end of my tether. We then had a massive row before she just put the phone down on me. I haven’t heard a thing from her since. No phone call, no visiting order, no letter. Nothing.I thought it would have been hard trying to adapt to life without her but really it's been nice having no drama or chaos in my life for a couple of weeks. I feel like a weight's been lifted from my shoulders. I've also been chatting more and more to an old friend. To be honest she’s been my rock throughout the whole thing. I actually do have some history with her. To be blunt we were FWB's in college. I've always known she's really liked me and can tell now my girlfriend's out of the picture I can tell she's trying to swoop in and try her luck with me. She literally messages me every day asking how I am. She's invited me around to hers for a Chinese takeaway at the weekend and it's probably going to lead to more. But really I want it to happen the more I think about it. She's gorgeous, she's funny, she's caring, she's so down to earth and best of all isn't a selfish idiot.I know I'd be well and truly stabbing my girlfriend in the back but in all honesty I couldn't care less. Is it bad that I just want to put myself first for a change? I'm only in my early twenties but I feel like I've wasted 3 precious years of my life with her. When I look back on our time together there's been so many more bad times than good. I really don't want to wait for her. Even though her sentence is for 3 years she could be out in half that with good behaviour, but I honestly have so little faith that she will behave herself. She should (key word SHOULD) have no access to alcohol whilst in prison so that's always a plus point but I just worry that other things in there might tip her over the edge. I think all it would take is one inmate to wind her up and then she'll get in a fight and that'll be it; they'll keep her in for the whole term. She's just got such a volatile temper and can't seem to control it.As much as I feel I should dump her, at the same time I think I'll feel guilty over time for theoretically kicking her whilst she's down. Would it be wrong for me to end it now?
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clubbing, drunk, in jail, violent Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2021): I think you've answered your own question here OP. This girl sounds like a nightmare. Not only that but she sounds incredibly stupid as well. Who honestly goes against the advice of their solicitor? It's completely brainless and she's paid for it dearly. Write her a letter if that's the only way you can communicate with her and dump her. You don't owe her a thing. She knew she had a problem with drinking, she knew she had a volatile temper, she knew she has violent tendencies. No amount of drink can justify sticking a glass in someone's face.
At the very least get it done before you get with this other girl so you're conscience is clear, but I'd advise you to take it slow with her and not go in all guns blazing.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2021): Why do you want to date a criminal? She needs to sort herself out. Move on, find someone better who isn't a maniac when drunk
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2021): You should have dumped her when you found out that she drinks a lot, not waited till it got even worse. But I suspect you have your own problems and demons that bring you down to her level and that is why you settled for her in the first place. You knew you had to make the most of how life was, it was that or nothing. Now she is in prison you get no sex off of her, oh dear. So you want it off of someone else. Nobody can blame you for that. That one won't work out either, because you are not able to be picky and you are not picky, you throw yourself at the first person who comes along hoping for the best and then finding out the truth. You don't learn from your mistakes. I suspect she is not that happy with you either and is not in a rush to come back to you. But it's better for her to think you are there waiting for her than that she comes out to nobody, so she makes do with you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (26 November 2021):
 What's your alternative? Stay with the girlfriend while bonking the FWB? You KNOW something is going to happen there. Regardless of how you define the relationship (FWB or girlfriend/lover), you will still be cheating on your girlfriend. You don't want to be in a relationship with the girlfriend so why hang onto it? You know she is bad news and, if you stay with her, your life will always be full of unwanted drama. Next time she gets drunk, it could be YOU who is at the receiving end of her anger.
Regardless of what she has done, she does not deserve to be cheated on. Finish things with her properly before moving your attentions to someone else. I would advise having some time on your own and not jumping straight into bed with someone else, but I fear it will be totally pointless as you are not thinking with your brain at the moment. At least do the right thing by your girlfriend and finish the relationship first.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 November 2021):
 End it with your GF before you jump onto the next girl.
And for goodness sake, SLOW your roll. BE single a while. Take some time trying to figure out why you CHOSE to be in a relationship with someone like your GF.
Yes, it's definitely fair to end your relationship with your GF. You should have ended it a long time ago. You write "I was so angry with her because I’d told her time and time again she needed to stop drinking so much but she just wouldn’t listen." well this never works. She has issues she isn't willing to deal with and now... she has to live with the consequences of HER actions. I think she DEFINITELY deserves 3 years in prison. Alcohol didn't "make her do this, SHE chose to drink, she chose to get in a scrap, she chose to plead not guilty. She has done this before. She needs help that YOU can not give her.
Let her know it's over. Block her from any contact and move on with life but DO hold on from jumping straight into a relationship with the new girl. For both your sakes. Take it slow.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (26 November 2021):
 Personally i feel that you should end things with her properly before you embark on anymore relationships. I know she has done wrong, and has let you down many times, i feel by ending it you can move on with a clear conscience and not feel guilty about dating or becoming intimate about anyone else.
Also i feel if when she comes out she has thought you were a couple all that time, then word gets back to her that you were with someone else, this would trigger her temper off and things could get messy. At least if you end it with her you will ultimately be single and free to do what you want.
I really think in your heart of hearts you know this is already over. If you loved and wanted her you would be missing her and counting down the days until she gets out. Instead even for the first few weeks you feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders, a new lease of life, and no drama or chaos.
Properly end things with her as this is the correct thing to do, then move on with your life and find someone more compatible with yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2021): No,I don't think it would be wrong.I vale loyalty ,fidelity and in general having your friends' ( and lovers' ) back, then again there are such things like total dealbreakers and if being an aggressive,dangerous,irresponsible type who commits serious crimes is not a dealbreaker...then I don't know what else could be considered one.
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