A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have no idea if I’m overthinking this so I need some advice please.3 years ago a new girl joined my husbands workplace. He would sometimes mention her but not excessively.She is in her 20’s and very attractive (engaged) so I kind of knew my husband had a crush on her as he’d always make an extra effort if the team were going out to dinner and she’d be there- much more effort than if we were going out with my friends or other people.He was invited to her birthday meal one year and spent ages looking for her favorite wine - yet he doesn’t know what mine is. Now since covid the entire team has been working from home.Last night we all went out (partners included) and when we arrived at the restaurant she had cancelled last minute due to an unforeseen issue and my husband was visibly gutted. It was so obvious he was looking forward to seeing her. Then something odd happened- another one of his colleagues was talking about her and said to my husband “she said she saw you” my husband shrugged his shoulders and looked confused - indicating he hadn’t seen her. His colleague then looked really uncomfortable and said she may have made a mistake and to ignore it. Also a few weeks ago my husband and I were driving somewhere and we turned in to a street and he said that this was the street that his she used to live on before she moved in with her fiancé. At the time I didn’t think about it but now I’m questioning how did he know where she lived? I’m not a jealous type and know it’s normal to have crushes on other people aside from your partners/spouse but I’m wondering if there’s more to it than just a crush.I’ve been to their work functions and they do flirt a bit with each other- it’s obvious she likes him too. He’s 20 years older than her.Do I confront him? I don’t want to sound paranoid and if anything was going on he’d deny it anyway.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2021): When you suggest a "confrontation," do you mean an angry or hostile argument; or do you mean address the issue head-on? If you are angry and responding through anger and high emotion, he'll figure-out a way to avoid the discussion; or wiggle his way out by gaslighting you, while making you feel you're out of your mind, or talking foolishness.
If you are going to have an adult-discussion regarding a problem; and you have some specific issues you want to address; then make sure to prepare ahead. When we are angry and emotional, we don't place much emphasis on facts; we are more interested in showing how hurt or upset we are. If we're angry, we want to inflict pain, or intimidate; so we are apt to hurl insults and accusations. Work as much anger out of your discussion as you can beforehand. You want to hold his attention, not start an argument; which he will surely run from.
There is an element of jealousy and insecurity here; so you have to check these feelings, so your words make an impact, without being sidetracked by immaturity and a loss of self-control.
You're starting to hear things, and you've become aware of his unusual interest focused on this particular woman. He's a married-man, so his interest in any female outside professional matters becomes your business or a concern. It seems he's slightly making a fool of himself on the job; because his co-workers are starting to notice his behavior, and the interactions occurring between the two of them. It wasn't necessarily a slip of the tongue, when his colleague mentioned what she said about seeing him. I think that was meant to draw your attention to it. It may not have been deliberate, but an inadvertent heads-up for your benefit. A shot across the bow to him to let him know people see it; and your wife should know about it too! It's none of their business, but if it is happening in their work environment; it makes the atmosphere within the workplace uneasy.
Yes, it's embarrassing to be caught or exposed doing something you shouldn't; and it's natural to deny it, or dodge the facts. When you address it, keep it simple and to the point.
Convey to him you are uncomfortable about recurring accounts about him and his female co-worker. You are fully aware he has some sort of crush, or nonwork-related interest, that makes you increasingly uncomfortable. Your own observations of him around her suggests something is off; and in spite of any denial, you know him. You know what you see with your own eyes, or hear with your own ears. If there is a problem in the marriage, or he is feeling the need to stray outside the marriage; you will insist on marriage-counseling to regain trust, and to maintain an open line of communication. If he has an uncontrollable attraction towards this woman, that is a problem. It is humiliating that it is on display for her and others to see. Even you've caught wind of it! If it continues to be a problem, you will insist on counseling; until the matter is no longer a problem. He will likely refuse counseling; then just let him know you will not stay in a marriage without trust, or if you believe he is being unfaithful. Let him know you're serious, stay calm, and fightback your tears. Any loss of control or overreaction will be used against you.
A
male
reader, DarrellGood +, writes (27 November 2021):
 I think yes you do speak to him about it but you need to do it carefully and you need to do it at a time when you can do it without your own feelings spiralling out of control.
The real issue is, I believe, the fact that somewhere deep down you feel they maybe having an affair and that is the long and short of it.
Let's look at the evidence. I don't think knowing where she lived is necessarily evidence of anything as it may have come up in conversation. Also, the incident with his colleague, with all due respect, your reporting second hand so its coming through your own preception, yes it seems odd, but then again I wasnt there so I dont know objectively. Innocent until proven guilty always.
That having been said, even if he isnt guilty of having an affair, which he may not be, there is clearly a sexual spark here and he is guilty of if not actually cheating then at least getting 3/4s of the way there in putting her before you (the incident with the wine).
Clearly, things cannot carry on like this and there are issues in this marriage to be addressed. I would personally focus on that rather than accusing him of something he may not have done, though to be fair you would be perfectly within your rights to cite his conduct in talking about the general issues. So, yes, do it for both your sakes. Good luck :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2021): "People are appealin and attraction is never limited.
Asking him if he crushes on her is nothing out of the ordinary!
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