A
female
age
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*aluca
writes:hi, I am a female and i have been with my male partner for 6 yesrs. he was widowed in may 2006 and I met him on match.com in September 06. he has been hard work due to his three steps forward two steps back routine and he just has periods when he is emotionally frozen, no hugs kisses etc. I have made excuses up for him due to what a widower goes through. the problem is I found out whilst he put us on a break, he was emailing/contacting other women through web sites, the women usually fell in love with him and each time when they wanted commitment, he told them he could not continue speaking with them. they never knew about our relationship. I say that because when we got back together after 6 months he had still carried on starting up with one woman and then finishing with them and repeating this. yes I found his emails. he asked me not to leave so I stayed. I lived with him for 2 years. I have now found out he is contacting various women on chat rooms and I am really hurt by this as I feel it is cheating. he never mentions to them that he lives with someone ie a long term partner. I told him I was not happy as he is cold to me and yet in messaging them sends smiley faces and kisses. I told him he should be talking things over with me, but he says it is easier to strangers. he won't stop. I said why are you not talking with me and are so cold emotionally, his reply -- that's life - its crap you have to live with it. I am going to leave him. I love this man with all of my heart, but I have suffered ill health and stress through his own problems reflecting on me, and I cannot go on or I really feel it will kill me. he is 56 and I am 55. what do other people think of men going on chat rooms, he has met a couple on dates and I am sure he slept with one whilst we were on the break. help please
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2013): My take on dating site people. In truth, they cannot form relationships in real life because they are not attractive, they are failures, so they get desperate and join dating sites. Get rid of that clown.
A
female
reader, Jaluca +, writes (16 October 2013):
Jaluca is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi to all who have replied to me, thank you. I now know that my future is without him, you are all right, he will not change. I wish the very best to auntyem whose previous relationship sounds to have been very similar to mine. thanks cmmp, nice to hear from a male prospective. very best wishes to all.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 October 2013):
 I honestly think you are wasting your time and energy on this man.
He will NOT stop this behavior. I wouldn't be surprised if he did it before his wife passed away too.
It's only going to make YOU more and more miserable by staying. It's not about YOU not being enough, it's about him not respecting you, the relationship and these other women. He thinks his behavior is somehow OK and that just need to be placated every now and then so you will stay and take care of his needs.
I would pack my stuff, if the house is his. Find a place to rent and get out sooner rather then later. And once you are out BLOCK him from calling and writing you.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (16 October 2013):
 After I got divorced almost nine years ago, I met and fell in love with a man and we were together for 3 years. After 18 months we started living together and I really truly felt that he loved me and wanted a future with me. He was generous and loving for the most part but sometimes he'd flip and become cold towards me and sometimes accused me of cheating on him (which was absolutely NOT true since we were always together at home when not working)
It began to wear on me and grind me down and we began to argue. He'd break things off and I'd come back to my own house and within a few days he'd be begging me back!...and because I loved him, I went to try again.
Then one day my friend told me she'd seen his picture on a dating site and she showed me his profile which said he was single and looking for the love of his life!! He went on to say he'd never met 'the one' and when he did find her he'd treat her like a princess!!...No mention that we were living together or had been together for 3 years!!
My friend even chatted him up a little (because he didnt know her) and he was Mr Wonderful, telling her he'd like to take her out and he'd like to give her pleasure in bed!!
Of course I confronted him and he was absolutely furious that he'd been caught. He then turned on me and told me he only considered me a friend (after 3 years, a full sex life, holidays away, telling me he loved me and showering eachother with expensive gifts...not to mention living together and redecorating the house, for 18 months)
It nearly killed me too. I felt so rejected and confused and destroyed that someone I'd gotten so close to and fallen in love with and whom I believed loved me, could simply turn it off like a switch and lie bare faced to other women...we split up of course and I didn't date again for almost 4 years.
About a year ago he contacted me again (I have no idea why) and he admitted that he just sleeps his way around the internet, telling women exactly what they want to hear to get what he wants. He almost sounded like a robot when he told me...it was cold beyond words.
My story is like yours and it's destroying you like it did me. I suffered massive depression and anxiety attacks, I could not let anyone close to me because I had lost all trust and doubted myself. I also could not bear to see other happy couples because it made me feel so sad and alone. In recent years I have embraced my single life. I am 48 and I work full time, but I have lots of interests and hobbies and do voluntary work. I have a safe peaceful home and yes! on occasion I do date and I am hoping that I might meet someone else in time but for me, there is no rush!!
Do not stay, do not listen when he begs you back, do not believe anything he says...because this kind of behaviour in ingrained in that kind of man and he will go on and on and on and on gratifying himself and he won't give a flying fuck about you.
I know it's hard to let go, but when you can finally enjoy your day without nagging doubt, agonising heartbreat and sheer burning rejection, those days become precious and after all you need peace and contentment for the rest of your life.
Just walk away and live your life for you, because men like him and his kind just arn't worth your tears.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (16 October 2013):
That really sucks, but he's right; he can do whatever he wants. You can either accept it or leave. Obviously, you chose leaving, as would I.
Sometimes love isn't enough to make things work and you have to leave. There's no point being with someone who makes you so miserable that you're physically ill.
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A
female
reader, KC12 +, writes (16 October 2013):
 You are well justified to leave him. Yes, that is cheating absolutely. If he's not telling you about them and not telling them about you and your relationship/living together AT ALL, then that's absolutely cheating. Especially if he's meeting them and sleeping with them--even if he's not that's still emotionally cheating. And, that is just as bad. Sounds to me like he likes "newness" of relationships rather than long-term commitments. And, that's HIS problem, not yours. And, you shouldn't have to put up with it. He obviously doesn't respect you enough to be faithful. And, you deserve to find someone who can love and respect you 100%
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