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age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: My whole life my family told me, 'sex before marriage it wrong and they never did it' now I have just found out my entire family lied to me, literally everyone had sex before marriage.I was shocked about this news because my whole life they told me otherwise. I still believe in the no sex before marriage. They're now calling me prude and old fashioned. My question is do I have a right to be shocked or am I just overreacting? It's not like I'm freaking out and running around screaming or anything. I'm just a little shocked by their announcement. Thanks for reading this in advance, any opinions will be much appreciated. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 May 2011):
 Your parents and grandparents are calling you a prude and old-fashioned? I doubt that. Your cousins and siblings, that I could believe.
This is the equivalent of people saying "do as I say, not as I do." They say this thing because that's what they think they're supposed to say to an underage curious teenager.
As you get older and when you have children, maybe you'll come to understand their loving but flawed advice to you. Yes, they told you a whopper but it was done to protect you, not to hurt you. Perhaps being honest from the start would have been better, but saying, go ahead, have sex and don't worry too much about it isn't exactly good parenting or good advice to an underage teenager, now is it?
So I'm glad you didn't freak out and you're sticking to your values. My guess is this will make much more sense later on in life.
Good luck to you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your help, it was all of my family, parents, sister, cousins, aunties, uncles, and grandparents. I suppose it was just a shock to me to hear that after almost 16 years of believing my family all kept to that rule, not one of them did.
So thank you to everyone that gave their opinion, I've taken it all in and I've calmed down a lot since last night, not that I was freaking out and screaming or anything. Sure I'm still shocked but you comments have helped to calm me enough to just accept it a little.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): Welcome to the hypocrisy of family...every family has it in one way or another. Unfortunately, hypocrisy tends to happen a lot more at your age too. Your family will emphasize an moral ideal or behavior because they don't think you know any better. Then they might act in a completely different way. I know you're pissed and you have a right to be, but try to consider it a compliment that they told you the truth.
I'm 30 and my mother still insists both her and my father were virgins when married. Sometimes, I don't believe either of them at this point...and I know I don't know the truth about a lot of their intimate life.
Honestly, you don't sound like you're between the ages of 13 to 15. I'm guessing you're 17 or 18? If you were indeed 15 and you're parents/siblings were calling you a prude, then I'd be a little worried about your home life. Even then, beware that often adults and older people will hold you to moral ideals that they have failed BECAUSE they failed them. They want better for you....Alternately, they will make fun of you for holding higher moral ideals than they did BECAUSE your decisions shame them.
The same brother who mocked me at 16 for being a prude and never having kissed a boy, asked me invasive questions in a very "concerned" way at the age of 20 about whether I was a virgin or not. When I was 16, he thought the fact that I was very shy was categorically "anti-social behavior" since he had spent his teenage years messing around with a string of girls and getting into trouble. When I was 20, he was old enough to regret certain things he had done and now insisted that virginity was a viruous state...and I that was wholesome because I hadn't lost it.
I didn't really change that much in those 4 years, only his judgment of me did...
Listen to yourself and if you find a family member you can trust, who will listen to you, and take your thoughts seriously, go to them for advice.
Good luck.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (5 May 2011):
 Hi Miss Anon,
I will apologise for all the adults in your family and probably most of the adults on this board. You see, we can't tell children and young people everything, because the world, emotions, and people are complicated, not black and white but more like a dirty grey.
Sex in marriage to a person you love is the most perfect thing in the world. (now I will tell you the adult truth) But some people are forced into sex young, some people fall in love young, some make a mistake, some think people will laugh at them so they copy their friends, some think they are too ugly, short, stupid to every marry so grab the first person that comes along.
See.. a long way to explain why sex in marriage is the best, so they shorten it to "sex before marriage is wrong". As you grow older the adults in your life will find it easier to explain things in a more complicated fashion. Like now, now you are old enough to know, that most people have sex before marriage, but they still wish they had waited and found the right person at the right time.
Don't be angry with us adults. You will find out as you grow older why we have to "lie".
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female
reader, HoneyEyedLatina +, writes (5 May 2011):
 They don't want you to make the same mistakes they made. Point blank. I tell my daughter not to "paint hearts on the wall" (sex) until she is married. Of course I didn't follow that rule but I'll be dammed if my daughter doesn't follow it. I'm my job to raise her right and make her a respectable woman. I don't want her to be some easy girl that no guy wants to commit with. Not only that but I worry about diseases and pregnancy. That's what your family is doing to you. There's actually no reason to be mad at them. They want whats best for you. Just because they had sex before marriage doesn't mean that you should. If they did drugs and stole cars does that mean you can do it too? I'm just saying. Your family is just looking out for you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2011): Yeah, most people who say that have had sex before marriage.
I don't advocate that route to my children, but I do advocate waiting till you are grown up (18 or older) and in a loving caring relationship.
One night stands and random partners are damaging to people in many subtle ways.
Sex before complete physical and at least more complete mental maturity is also a bit of a problem (some might say that girls don't mature until they have teenage daughters and men don't mature until the are dead...at least in some cases we ripen after we die more than we mature).
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2011): It appears to be more likely than not that those who tote the "no sex before marriage" are just the ones who had sex before marriage. This is something that you need to do for yourself if you are to adhere to it. Although my family has been quite hypocritical in its application, both my fiance and I have decided that it is best for us to wait because that is simply what we believe. We are doing it for ourselves and nobody else.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 May 2011):
 THE WHOLE FAMILY? grandma and grandpa too???
if you were blatently lied to you have the right to feel betrayed.
but until you are a bit older, madly in love, driven by hormones, stay off that high horse of "you all sinned"
one day you may walk in their shoes.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 May 2011):
Who is "they", exactly? Your mom and dad? Your brothers and sisters? I'm a little curious, and this will affect how I would answer your question.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (4 May 2011):
 I think you're right to be shocked. Still, they told you that because it's sort of the right thing to tell kids until you think they are old enough to make an informed decision about sex. In a way, they are welcoming you to your adulthood. If you like your course of action, stick with it and stand up for yourself. Say that they raised you to be a smart girl who can make her own decisions and they should respect the decisions you make. Good luck.
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