A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need help fixing things with my girlfriend. Over the last few months she has gone off sex quite a bit and we only really have it once a week just now. She's been to the doctor who said she is physically fine so it might be stress or something. I've been very frustrated and she knows that but still hasn't been doing it any more. She says it doesn't feel nice for her now. Anyway, last week I was out with the boys and ended up in a strip club. Long story short she found out and was in tears because I didn't tell her first. I thought we'd sorted it out, but last night she told me that she's devastated that I went. She said she's never felt less sexy and that she feels like a failure because I paid to have another woman turn me on when she's struggling with that herself. She asked me how I'd feel if I was having problems getting it up and she went and paid to have a man wave his dick in her face. Which I admit would be horrible. How do I fix this? She seems to have it in her head that I rushed off to find sexual stimulation elsewhere, instead of supporting her with something that upsets her quite a bit which wasn't my intention at all. Help! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2014): Nobody who has ever endured the pain & betrayal of being cheated on would compare it to their partner visiting a strip club while out with friends. The idea that those things are comparable is ridiculous.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2014): I am glad you admit that it would not be nice to imagine another man waving his dick in her face. I think you will have difficulty 'winner her over' to be honest as I agree with another post that you have effectively cheated. I am sick of people brushing off these incidents as acceptable. A friend of mine's husband used to go to these strip clubs every now and then, blurring the lines so to speak, then he cheated on her for real shortly after. I don't have any advice other than you need to show you care for her heart and soul - not just with flowers and chocolates. Don't you dare patronise her!! She might even need more space not less. Affection without sex to make her feel secure again. If she cannot heal then do her a favour and let her find someone who can treat her with the love and respect she deserves. I hope you learn from this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2014): I think everyone here needs to appreciate there is a difference between going to a strip club alone (or hiring a prostitute) versus ending up there while out with friends.
I am not a big fan of strip clubs. Its just not my thing. But I have ended up in strip clubs more than once in my life as part of a social occasion. I have even had a couple of lap dances. Think about it, if your friends drag you to a bar as part of a group then you may eventually buy yourself a drink even if you weren't feeling like drinking in the first place. Sometimes you get coaxed into something by peer pressure. Other times you just start feeling like a party pooper for not participating. Sometimes your mood gets changed by the scene (or the drink) when it was never how you started out feeling. Etc.
Nobody should have to tolerate their partner doing things they feel are betraying them. But on this question I think not everyone is seeing the whole picture. It does not sound like this strip club visit was the OP's idea in the first place. He sounds like he would never have done it if he realized how much hurt it was going to inflict on his GF. He sounds very sorry about it now.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (9 December 2014):
 "Sounds," to me, like your "girlfriend" is a cold-as-ice drama queen.... who believes that you will stick by her despite WHATEVER SHE might choose to make of the "relationship" that the two of you have......
I say: THAT is the recipe for a non-fulfilling "relationship" for you... and the only "question" involved is how long you will put up with this sexual/sensual/intimate incompatibility before you decide that it could make you crazy to continue.... so you and she go separate ways...
Sorry, Anonymous male, but there's no "fixing" to be done...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 December 2014):
 You *do* realize that what you did was, in fact, cheating on her, right?? All of the ones here who are suggesting that he stop apologizing aren't seeing this from every angle.
You said that you paid for another woman to turn you on, right? Reading between the lines suggested that you were paying for lap dances?? I don't know about anyone here, but paying for someone to run their body all over you, possibly grinding you to completion or near-completion is just one hair under full-on prostitution, and it's DEFINITELY infidelity.
Strip clubs aren't porn. They're living, breathing women. Had the situation been reversed, you think your girlfriend having some guy rub his erection all over her and grind on her while she got off on it wouldn't be devastating for you? It would!
Your excuse of once-a-week sex is worthless, just like any other excuse for cheating. You just thought that since it was professional versus meeting or random one-night stands makes it alright? No.
If you were interested in restoring sexuality in your relationship, you think that visiting and giving patronage to a strip club behind your girlfriend's back would achieve that result?
You cheated. You just broke your relationship. Once-a-week sex isn't like she shut the door on you altogether like some couples on here have. Relationships have ebbs and flows. If there is a serious issue, you both talk it out. If she is embracing such an incompatible sex drive to you and that's a dealbreaker to you, then you end things honorably. You don't "go to someone else".
You don't realize that you're going to live your life with a woman, and your sex drives won't match up all the time. Is this what you choose, to go run off? That's the easy, lazy, selfish way out. Make it a habit, and you will end up alone.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (9 December 2014):
I'd like to point out that while I do agree with CMMP in that people should sometimes try to have sex for the benefit of their partner, it's worth noting that if she says her sex drive is dead and she's still having sex with you once a week, she might feel like she is already doing that.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (9 December 2014):
I think you need to stop apologizing and explain yourself to the best of your abilities. Once you've done that it's up to her to forgive you. That may take awhile, but if it's meant to happe. It will.
If she brings it up don't go rehashing the same argument with her, it just prolongs things. Tell her that you've already told her everything and that there's nothing more to say about it.
But, be there for her! If it's bumming her out, give her a compliment, hug her, etc. Don't be cold.
I have an unpopular opinion on sexual desire. I feel that if you are not in the mood, you can still satisfy your significant other (there are worse things than having sex when you're not in the mood!). Note that begging for sex or giving a guilt trip can be the ultimate turn off. You should still try to seduce her and make it enjoyable for her, don't just use her.
If the problem is greater than simply not being in the mood, such as she's not attracted to you, she has body image issues, or its simply not enjoyable (as tough as it is to hear), then it needs to be addressed. Ignoring it will not make it go away.
There are some cases where a person doesn't enjoy the sex because it's not good. There are other times where it's not about the style of sex, they just can't seem to find enjoyment in it no matter how good it may be.
My wife is taking a prescription anti depressant and it KILLS her sex drive. Not to mention that she can't orgasm since she began taking it (it was never an issue before).
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (9 December 2014):
I think this is a case of very bad timing on your part. You say your girlfriend has lost her sex drive and even the doctor can't work out why. You also say you've expressed your frustration, so she clearly knows this is an issue for you.
My bet is that she's feeling unsexy and is much more worried about the situation than she has been letting on. I know if it were me, I'd be terrified that if I couldn't fix the problem eventually my boyfriend would get sick of it and start to look elsewhere, so chances are she feels the same. From her point if view, at a time when she really needed your support and reassurance that that wouldn't happen, you went and paid half naked women to wave their boobs and vaginas in your face. The fact you say she 'found out' also makes it look like you didn't plan on her knowing about this either, so there's the withholding the truth/lying issue to contend with too.
I personally don't think strip clubs are appropriate for those in relationships anyway, unless the other partner has said so in advance and agreed boundaries. That clearly wasn't the case here, and this is what happens.
However, I do believe that you didn't realise this would affect her quite so much. To me this can be fixed but it's going to take time and patience. Her point about how you'd feel if the roles were reversed shows a lot how she feels - like her 'lady boner' is missing. Just like I'd suggest if it were a man's boner, you need to stop trying to initiate sex. Take it off the table altogether and remove the pressure. Focus on rebuilding the trust between you and proving to her that she is the only woman you want. Also tell her everything you do for a while. She's probably going mad with worry that this is a regular thing (if it is, cut it out now that you know how she feels about it) so you need to prove that you are an open book as far as your whereabouts go
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 December 2014):
 STOP trying to have sex with her. SHOW her affection in other ways.
Also your GF is kind of insecure if she thinks YOU compare her to some nameless stripper at a club. THOSE insecurities are HERS to deal with. What you CAN do is stop apologizing for going. You went, it's done. LEARN from it. I mean why did you expect before going? That your GF would think: " OMG! that is SO great that my BF is going to a stripclub!! He is SUCH a dude! YAY" ?
MAKE her feel beautiful and loved. And learn to TALK about things. I can easily see how a night out can end up a place your GF might not want you at, but does she not trust you? Did you spend a lot of money there? Did you buy a lapdance? What exactly happened there? Did you give her details?
Personally, I would give a fly's fart if my husband went to a stripclub. BUT I would be seriously ticked off if he pissed off money buy overpriced beer and to have a chick wave her tits in his face. And I WOULD be disappointed that he went to a place where women is a COMMERCIAL SEXUAL object, there for other people's viewing pleasures.
You stepped on your dick on this one. I bet you even knew BEFORE going that she would be upset. But you hoped she A. wouldn't find out.. or B would be too upset.
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