A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I feel so bad and low these days and need help! I really like this friend of mine who puts up in another city. I know there is no future since I have to move abroad, make a career while he is from a very rich background, settled with career and planning to get married in a couple of years. But I still ended up telling him how I feel cause I couldnt stop thinking about him after we met. He did not reply! I think I have screwed up my friendship as well. I know I need to get over this one-sided obsession but I dont know how. I have liked someone so much after so long and I feel really low I can't be with him. Also, all this makes me feel unhappy about my own life and status as of now. I know this is stupid, but I don't know how to deal with this and figure out a life for myself. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2014): No my dear, it isn't stupid. It is a very human situation that can happen to anyone. This is usually the case when you don't venture too far from the people we know and feel comfortable with. He is male, you trust him, you already know he cares about you; so the subconscious plays a sneaky trick on us. It will make us fixate romantically on a friend. Openly declaring those feelings is very risky.
Once it's done, it's done. You must move forward.
I suspect you haven't dated too many guys. He seems to have all the qualities you need, and his familiarity to you makes him conveniently available. That would be in both an emotional-way, and the romantic-sense. Sometimes it is easier to fall for a friend, than go through the difficult process of meeting someone new. Then having to wait and see how things will progress. It's hard to take rejection, or perceived indifference from strangers we take a liking to. So, what's easier than sticking close to someone we know?
The loving-bond and connection is already established. Wrapped-up and tied with a bow!
The unfortunate result is your object of affection doesn't reciprocate the romantic-feelings you have. The relationship becomes strained and awkward. Under these circumstances, we usually feel disappointed and end up with hurt feelings. It is likely you've nurtured these feelings over time; and you've fantasized that he felt the same for you. You've created in your mind the possibility that he could, and convinced yourself that he should; care for you in the same way you care for him. Why? Because it is so easy! You cannot control how people feel. It has to be of their own free-will. If they say no, accept it gracefully.
It is better for you that he does not answer; because it will take time for your feelings to change and detach. The mind can be very resistant and stubborn to change. Your heart clouds your judgment, your will struggles with reality; and both mislead you to believe you can't get over him.
The futility of the situation will, in-time, correct itself. When you see you can't have what you want, you will move on. If you go as far as to feel it is an obsession; then that goes much deeper. Getting over him and the pain of his rejection may require much time; and maybe even some professional-help. I don't think it's as bad as that.
I think "obsession" is more of a dramatic choice of words; because you feel very strongly for him. Your mind will eventually accept the reality that your romantic-feelings are misdirected. You are better-off to avoid him too.
Becoming emotionally attached to a person is a chemical process in the brain. The powerful hormone oxytocin (which they call the "love hormone") released in your brain has to go through a reversal process. That will be quite uncomfortable and agonizing at first. You'll miss all the feel-good endorphins his friendship activates within you.
It is literally an addiction-withdrawal process, and the symptoms are mildly the same as withdrawal from an addictive-drug. Involving exactly the same areas of the brain. You are in fact, addicted to him.
Allow yourself to meet and enjoy the company of other men. Don't force yourself on anyone in an attempt to get-over him quickly. Just let nature and time do the work. You need exposure to a variety of male-types and personalities; over an extended-period. You need to experience rejection, and learn how to recover from it in a healthy way. You must accept that your destiny does not include your friend as your romantic partner. If there was ever any hope; then this apparently isn't the time.
It will all work itself out; but not without a little misery before it's over. Leave him alone for awhile, for your own heart's sake. He is intended for someone else.
And according to fate, so are you!
A
female
reader, Delphi  +, writes (9 December 2014):
I have been where you are before and I still am not sure if I am completely over him. So please don't think of me as judgmental.I am just trying to help someone who seems to be in the same shoes as me. There are many guys who like to be the one who pursue.Especially in your patriarchal society,it happens most of the time. Liking him is alright but you have your whole life ahead of you.Right now is the time to be working on yourself,forget guys and concentrate on your career.Make something of yourself.Be a success and then check how many guys are after you. If he didn't reply,it does seem a lot like No.All of us have faced rejection at some time or the other.It hurts like hell.But never let a rejection make you feel bitter or change yourself or affect your friendship in any way.Grieve the required amount of time and move on.Keep telling yourself,"This too shall pass". The power of positive thinking by Normal Vincent Peale is a book that changed my life.Try giving it a chance. If you don't watch out for yourself,you could end up getting depressed and that is not going to be nice. Make a conscious effort to stop thinking about him.Go out with the girls.Spend time with family.Visit Orphanages and Old age homes.There are so many people with so many severe issues.Be an angel in many people's lives. Every time you feel like talking to him,do something else.Cook,clean or bake.Learn a new language.Take up a new hobby.Vow to yourself that you would be the best in it. Fill your brains with knowledge.Thirst for wisdom.Be the change you want to see.Romance is just one aspect in life.Think of yourself like a prism.You have so many other facets.Work on them. Stop making people who think of you as an option as your priority.Love yourself.Do what makes you happy.Radiate happiness. Work out.Exercise is such a feel good factor.Get a new wardrobe.Have a lovely haircut.Look good.Feel good.Be so positive that you only attract positive energy in your life. when ever you feel like calling him,switch off the phone.I have been feeling like a fool when he doesn't pick up.I am going to take the above advice as well. A mind is a really powerful thing.It can be reprogrammed exactly the way you want it.Reprogram it for success. I wish you the very best.
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