A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:[MOD NOTE: OP's title]I have a sort of embarassing problem. Ever since I started discovering sex I tend to have extremely violent fantasies of me dominating men. It's always random, anonymous people, I can't imagine anyone I know there. It's magnetic. When I get inspired, I can't stop with it and it feels good. In reality I'm not into anything resembling that, I like when things are gentle and loving and mostly prefer not to be in charge. These fantasies bother me morally, I feel dirty afterwards and I wonder what's wrong with me to find something like that arousing. I wonder if it's a psychological problem that needs fixing, it's way out of line to think about hurting people like that. Why is it so? What can I do to "rewire myself" not to react to such thoughts sexually?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): You seem to be something of a sadist in bed and it is perfectly normal because nobody should be allowed to judge as we all have sexual preferences. Nevertheless, you could learn to embrace this fantasy with a partner that might like to be dominated which I know exist. However, if you want to eliminate this issue... there is one potential way but it is not 100% effective. If you have even the slightest belief that this fantasy might have been brought on by porn I strongly urge you to visit http://yourbrainonporn.com/ and inform yourself. You fetish could be porn induced.
Nevertheless, your fantasy is nothing to be ashamed of, a lot of men love to dominate women, a lot of women love to be dominated so the vice versa should be no issue.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (19 January 2015):
Dear OP,
There's a huge difference between your imagination and what you like to do in real life, so I'm not really concerned about you doing something immoral or unethical one day.
Sadly, what we find sexually exciting is often times random, a result of childhood conditioning. At least that's a theory about the development of fetishism. For instance, little boys might admire grown up womens' shoes and somehow this gets associated with a first, kind-of sexual reflex of the boy. He might later in life develop a shoe fetish (and lose it partly, if he discovers that there are things that fascinate him even more).
My theory is that either you developed those fantasies based on a childhood conditioning, for instance by seeing a picture that was violent and sexual at the same time. Or by experiencing a first sexual feeling while fighting with a boy, watching a violent movie etc.
Another theory would be that when you day dream, violent and sexual impulses mix.. maybe because there's some suppressed anger or distress that finds this way of manifesting itself. And as well a part of sexual frustration.
In general, I think it's hard to change your fantasies. Try to accept them as a part of your playful and restless mind, which sometimes produces weird things. Maybe understand their origin, too, so you can understand what's happening inside.
By the way: Are you single? My guess is that when you have a boyfriend, you'll start to fantasize more about him and the sexuality you share with him, and your day dreams will get less by themselves.
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A
female
reader, LittleLJ  +, writes (19 January 2015):
 Lots of people enjoy domination and being dominating and as long as you both consent it really doesn't matter. People like all sorts of things and that's certainly not the weirdest thing I've ever heard. I have different fantasies about women sometimes but I'd never ever want to be a lesbian. It's strange what your mind does sometimes but it's harmless and not dirty at all.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (19 January 2015):
 I agree; you could see a therapist if it really bothers you, or even just online role play (no webcam/pictures), if that satisfies your fantasy, whilst keeping you comfortable about not physically acting on them?
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack  +, writes (19 January 2015):
There is a very large BDSM community. Many, many people share, and act on, your fantasy. If it is done safely then there is very little risk of actual harm.
I'm not sure whether it is possible to rewire such a powerful urge, or whether you even should. Certainly you may not want to share this information with your mother, but there are plenty of men who love to be dominated, and perhaps some interaction with a few of the thousands of perfectly normal people who enjoy this sort of thing may help lessen your shame.
I'm not saying you should go out and act on it if it makes you feel bad, but perhaps some online dialogue with other individuals who share your fantasy wouldn't hurt.
Conversely, you could see a therapist.
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A
female
reader, Delirium +, writes (19 January 2015):
 First off I would like to say I don't believe you have a psychological problem. It may be a little unsettling to realize that you have, what you believe to be, more wild fantasies than the average person (which you may learn that you're not that far off from the norm anyway). There are many people that do find arousal in varying degrees of sadism and masochism. Those words in our society carry a pretty extreme connotation and identifying as such can seem scary but a person can enjoy, say being blindfolded and spanked, without ever desiring to have their shoulders dislocated. It isn't strange for your sexual outlet to be in contrast to your daily life either. If you are a more passive person at home and in the workplace the bedroom my be your outlet to be more expressive and "in charge". I personally am the opposite, I am more inclined to be stubborn and outgoing in my daily life but sexually I enjoy being dominated. Not all the time, but every so often it's nice to let go and let someone else be in control. You say these feelings bother you morally and that you feel dirty, that's probably because your are in an internal conflict over what you enjoy and what you believe you should be doing (kind of like breaking a diet with a large helping of pizza or chocolate cake, you know you shouldn't but you really want to so afterwards you feel guilty). My suggestion would be to find a comfortable medium. I doubt you are really intending to inflict serious harm onto someone, like burning, cutting, etc. so find something that you and your partner would be comfortable with. Maybe starting off with role play, with you taking the lead, and light bondage (like handcuffs). Watching porn can also help you determine where your boundaries are, if you see something that make you uncomfortable make a mental note of that and move on to something more your taste. Eventually you should find something that satisfies your desire to be in control while not leaving your comfort zone. Good luck!
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