A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've just broken up with my boyfriend, again! I desperately want to know if my behaviour is the problem because everything always seems to end up being my fault and I have to apologise. I was seeing him for just over two years and it's been very volatile. One massive argument that has caused a lot of problems is when he started making fun of some guys hair in restaurant and I said he was being shallow and a bit vain making fun of the way people look. He ended up saying he wasn't shallow as he was with me and I look a mess he even sent a text with a photo of me saying I looked ugly. I split up with him over that, I guess I shouldn't care so much about how I look but my own boyfriend calling me ugly really upset me. Instead of trying to apologise and make things right with me he contacted his ex and drove over a hundred miles to see her. Not a recent ex but an ex from ten years ago, they don't have children and whenever he talked about her he said she was a prostitute. I found out and we were apart for weeks, he bombarded me with texts and phone calls and abuse and ripped me to shreds. I started texting a guy when we were apart and I went and stayed at his one night, my boyfriend was at my place when I got home and forced himself in then stole my phone and found all these texts. He thinks I'm a slut for moving on so quickly and all he did was see his ex for a drink which I don't believe.The way he's been he's just got it in my head that I am a slut and I shouldn't have moved on that quick. I was raped a while ago and he thinks I should be ashamed of myself for even thinking about meeting men a couple of weeks after splitting up. Every time we break up he keeps demanding things back that I didn't ask for in the first place. When we met I had second hand things because I wasn't earning very much so he's just replace it all and has chucked my old stuff out. I say that he can have it all back but when he comes he changes his my and tries to get me in the car to go and find the guy I was texting.Yesterday he did that again and I got outside and he was pulling me round and took my phone and keys, my neighbour saw me so he threw it back at me. I went to work later and he turned up and took my stuff again. He stayed outside the building phoning constantly and me and the girl I work with were stuck inside scared as he'd hurt my arm and I have bruises. I know that it made him angry that he found these texts on my phone, I know that when we argue I say awful things back to him, I know yesterday I should have just shut up when he was texting me because I made him so angry he did that.Writing this all down I can see that he sounds crazy but he has this way of making me feel like I deserve it. Who's right here? He says that he went and saw his ex because she was a friend and they only had a pint together, he has these texts between me and somebody else, but we weren't together. Even if somebody is angry does that excuse him acting like he did yesterday. Instead of just ignoring him I said horrible things back which wound him up even more, but would anybody do that. It's making me ill thinking things are my fault all the time.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 January 2015):
 You know, it's NOT you.
But YOU CAN take charge of certain things, such as NO ALLOW him back. Change your phone number so he CAN NOT call/text and harass you. INFORM your employer that you have an abusive ex and a decent company will blacklist his number specially if there are CHARGES against him. If you DON'T want to cause a bad environment then answer the phone and hang up. I mean WHAT can he really do?
I agree that a anyone who has SURVIVED rape shouldn't let that horrible event define them, there is SO much more to you than that. BUT YOU let HIM define you to a victim.
And going to see a friend (even if it's the kind with "benefits") is NOT wrong IF you were SINGLE at the time. Again, you let this JERK define you. Treat you like HIS property. That IS a pattern you learned somewhere.
I'd consider going back to counseling. You NEED to find a way to get rid of this guy. ONCE and for all.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2015): I know it all sounds childish, I know he's not very nice, I know it's not a relationship. I don't love him or want him but he had this massive amount of control over me, he kept using all the things he bought me as an excuse to show up, he rings the place I work and I worry that I'll get sacked if I don't respond just to stop him doing it Last year he did a similar thing and then the police didn't help me because nobody saw him doing what he did, I fought back and scrammed his back really badly so they had no proof who started it. I'm used to being with horrible guys who call me a slut more than my own name and I find it difficult getting away from them because they become obsessed and just don't leave me alone. I should have mentioned that he was arrested and has been charged with theft and assault because this time there were witnesses. I didn't want to find a replacement when we broke up before, a guy I've known for a long time stated texting me and it was just friendly at first but then got flirty. I went out one night with him because this boyfriend would just show up ar mine when he felt like it I just wanted to get away. As for the rape I didn't mean to just casually throw it in, its had a massive effect on my life and nearly ruined it. But I had to mention it here as he used that as a reason why I shouldn't be talking to any man but him. I've had counselling for it and that's why I don't want to be defined by it or bring every problem I have into being raped. My ex has nothing to do with that. I'm just the kinda person who worries I do everything wrong and wanted to know if me going over my friends house when we'd split up is slutty or makes everything my fault. I wrote this question earlier while he was still in custody and was fretting about everything. Thanks for the replies anyway.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 January 2015):
You know, this isn't a relationship this is almost as dysfunctional as it gets.
You CAN NOT control how others act, think or feel - but YOU CAN control HOW you let others TREAT you. CUT HIM out of your life 100% - be freaking DONE with this guy.
He keeps abusing you verbally and YOU apologize? You don't see that that is UTTERLY WRONG?
Change your locks (if he has a key) change your phone number, lock your phone, and if he shows up at your home or work CALL the police. GET a restraining order if need be.
And when he spills all this verbal diarrhea at you WHY even BOTHER answering? WHY talk to him? What's the point? The guy has NO respect for women and treats them like crap. Like calling his ex an prostitute and you a slut - HOW is that OK?
And PLEASE don't say, but I LOVE him. There isn't an OUNCE of love described in your post, not in your words or his actions.
As for the rape, you so casually throw in the post... Have you had counseling for that? YOU need to deal with traumatic events such as rape. I can't say that it is the reason why you allow this guy to treat you like crap, but I think it could be part of why. But mostly ASK yourself WHY do I stick it out with this man? WHY do I ACCEPT that a guy treats me this way? YOU are a GROWN woman. IT is OK to say no, I do NOT want this anymore.
His and your actions seems more like immature teenagers. I don't mean to "kick you while you are down" but seriously? You are on a break for a week and the FIRST thing you do is go look for a replacement? And when this DOUCHE of a BF comes waltzing back calling you a slut, you get BACK with him?
STOP focusing on this guy and HIS actions, LOOK inward and decide NO more of this crap. You can't fix that dude. YOU can however "fix" how you respond to him and what he does. You can "fix" how you see yourself and what you deserve in life.
Don't YOU think you deserve more then that?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 January 2015):
 You call this a "relationship?" Sounds, to me, more like you being a whipping post, and your "boyfriend" being the tormentor.
I'd last about 15 minutes in such an arrangement. You've put in two years. Consider yourself the record-holder for receiving mistreatment from this guy.... then FIND ANOTHER BOYFRIEND....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Delirium +, writes (19 January 2015):
 It sounds like you already know the answers that are going to come in and you just need the reassurance. Well here it is; this guy is bad news. He is aggressive, immature, violent, has no sense of personal space, little respect for women (and men he deems lesser than himself apparently), and so on. I would definitely change the locks on my home and be prepared to call the police if he is waiting for you outside. You can find information online about dealing with abusive ex-partners, and that is exactly what this guy is. He has been a total ass-wipe to you and has made it feel like it is your fault. Have you made mistakes during the relationship? Maybe. But regardless of whatever you have done now that the relationship is over he has no right to be stalking your home, coming in uninvited, throwing things at you, etc. Be careful and I hope things work out.Good luck!
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