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anonymous
writes: I have a serious issue about myself and the way I look at the world. I belong to a business family of ENTJ's and our society is not different. People with ENTJ personality types are judgers. They judge everyone on the criteria of superficial nature. Like my mother, she judges other women for whether they are fair or dark, whether they have a sharp or blunt nose. She disrespects imperfections if she finds any in other women. Same is the nature of my entire family and society. They believe that human beings are no more than materials that need to be perfect to be sold in this world. There is no sympathy for someone who is weak or imperfect. In fact, there are a group of people in my family who work on destroying self-esteem of other people who are happy about some of their personality related strengths. They demean them by reducing them to a superficial human being who is no good as he has a bad walking style or she is black or fat. I have grown up in such a superficial society and have personally took some criticisms and remarks on my own body. Some elders have literally tried to destroy my self-esteem when I was young by commenting about my nose. Because of all these, I am scared of them and in fact all kind of judgements about me. Also, I am trying to make myself perfect to stand up against them but I think I would never be able to achieve that. Their bar for a person to be anywhere near to their ideal standards is quite unrealistic. I have started looking at the world in a similar way due to my upbringing. I have too much vanity that is difficult to get over. I am suffering in my social and work life because of this. Please help me get out of this thinking. Is it necessary for a person to be perfect in his/her looks to be even considered or respected as a human being? Are personal virtues any good in this superficial world? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2005): Compassion is just about the best thing going. Try to find kind people to spend more of your time with. It is great that you are questioning the value of the judgmental mindset. A better view of the world is accepting and caring. The focus on the superficial is kind of useless, don't you think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2005): You talk about criticisms from family members. I think the saddest thing about this, is when you were critcized as a child, it's highly likely you were left to cope on your own. And when you lack an accurate understanding of your parent’s troubling behavior, you internalized that criticism and blamed yourself for it. Parents must maintain a steadfast commitment to shield our children from unnecessary criticisms and destructive communications. Your parents never made this commitment.
It seems the repeated parenting mistakes were damaging, especially when they become a familiar pattern of behavior. Some parents fail to judge whether their criticisms are likely to help or hurt their children.
I think in your mind, you are facing the reality of what has happened with your family, causing you to do some serious soul-searching.
Through no fault of you own, you seem to have been raised in an environment where one very important thing was not taught to you. Tolerance. I can see where this is affecting your social & work life. But no one can change your way of thinking-that's something you have to work on yourself. You need to learn about yourself and empower yourself to accept and understand other people's behaviors that are different from yours. You cannot be responsible for other people's behavior in society but you can choose to control your own. You can learn to have social relationships based on mutual respect, constant growth and development. How do you do this? You rationalize it, you try hard to understand it and you always keep a positive attitude, in place. Kindness for others will go a long way. As a child, it's highly likely you were not educated in virtues, a good heart and tolerance, to have compassion, and be kind to others. These are the basic good qualities of human minds. When people have tolerance and compassion toward other beings, other will respect them and admire them. They recognize you have a good heart, which makes you happy and content. From that happiness, you will have more space in your mind and heart to keep being kind. Virtues are the essence of the human spirit and the content of our character. Try hard to educate yourself about virtues, through spiritual counseling from a counselor or a church minister. And while learning, keep an open, positive mindset. Not sure if this advice will help you and if I've understood your concerns. But take what you want from what I've said and
I wish you the best of luck, in your future. Take Care
Hugs,
Irish
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female
reader, missdee +, writes (23 September 2005):
Deuteronomy 1:17
Do not show partiality in judging; hear both small and great alike. Do not be afraid of any man, for judgment belongs to God.
2 Chronicles 19:6
He told them, "Consider carefully what you do, because you are not judging for man but for the LORD, who is with you whenever you give a verdict.
Matthew 7:1
[ Judging Others ] "Do not judge, or you too will be judged.
Luke 6:37
[ Judging Others ] "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.
John 7:24
Stop judging by mere appearances, and make a right judgment."
These are a few scriptures from the Bible about what God says about Judging people. People may not be beautiful on the outside but if they are beautiful on the inside that is what counts in this world and in the afterlife.
If your mother had a mirror that would show how she actually looks, it would show all the uglyness that stems from the inside of her.
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reader, pops +, writes (23 September 2005):
It is obvious that you can think for yourself, as you have express your own skepticism about your upbringing and the way your family judges you and others. So, stay away from them, get out and live with others who don't spend all day long obsessing over " looks", and move on. You won't be the first child to reject the ideas of his parents and family. You certainly should now understand the underlying dogmas that lead to elitism and racism. The last century showed us how dangerous those ideas can be. Use your own brain to decide what is important about people, and look past that nose they have you so worried about. ANd, who cares how superficial others can be in this world? Not everyone is like that. Go to a burn ward in any hospital and talk to people who are or have recovered from severe burn injuries, and are missing parts of their faces, or hands or feet. They may appear repulsive to some people, but when you get to know them, you learn that beauty has to be more than skin deep, and true beauty is.
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