A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi aunts and uncles! Please can you help me.I'll start with a bit of past background, I'm one of this that's always been unlucky in love, and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. My childrens father cheated numerous times, and subsequent partners have either done the same or used me or iv pushed them away with my insecurities. Iv had a horrid reality check this week. Iv realised I have severe trust issues.I just don't know how to handle this now. Iv been seeing an amazing guy for the last 2 months, it was just getting better and better, to the point where we both felt like it could go further if it keeps going the way it had been. Then my issues reared their ugly head out of nowhere.funnily enough I think my menstrual cycle triggered it as it happened on that same day that I automatically assumed I wasn't good enough for him and assumed he would meet some one else.which in his eyes, is out of character for me, whereas I knew it would probably happen. I bombarded him with paragraphs of messages knowing he was busy, but couldn't stop myself.I even handed an ultimatum saying I didn't want him meeting anyone else or it was over.all of which he ignored,looking back now I can't blame him. He then answered me saying that he didn't know what to say, he couldn't understand it, he's never questioned me like that because he's a trusting guy yet I have a few times. After a day or so, I apologized, admitted I had issues and asked him to bear with me.and that I'd work on it but also admitted it'l take time. He's not replied.I think iv ruined this now. I'm sat thinking that I'm a total mess and keep thinking that every guy I meet will be like my ex, its beyond a joke now.and that monthly cycle always seems to trigger it. I'm starting to hate myself for my petulant actions.I don't want this guy to be put off by this but I think he is.I think what he said was his way of saying he's had enough or is that my issues still lingering? How can I put this right? Iv explained all this to him so he knows why I'm like it,I'm just scared he'll think that its not worth it.what can I do?
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female
reader, Mint93  +, writes (28 July 2013):
It is hard to fully trust someone when you have experienced cheating and it is difficult to explain your feelings to somebody else. Your new person has never experienced this before which is why he is finding it hard to understand you.Maybe you should seek some counselling to help you with your trust issues which could then in turn help your current relationship.Counselling will also give you the chance to confide and voice your worries, which could help improve your relationship.Good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2013): Discontinue desperate text messaging and calling. Leave him alone. You've scared him enough. Lots of women have PMS. It rarely ends relationships; unless they suffer from a
never-ending menstrual cycle.
First you should see your doctor about these episodes you have that you believe are hormonal, and suspect to be triggered by your menses. There may also be a chemical imbalance that needs to be diagnosed, and treated by the proper specialists and medication.
You certainly need some therapy for your anxieties and post-traumatic stress from your past.
I think you are hypersensitive, and prone to sabotaging your relationships. You think you can read the future. You're convinced you're taking a preemptive strike against getting hurt, and end up blasting the wrong targets. Citing your current situation as an example.
In the past, you may have committed to the wrong men, and when it doesn't work out, you reinforce your own fears. You have to get your own baggage out of the way before you enter a new relationship, or they'll be short-lived.
By self-fulfilling prophecy the relationship goes south. It's sometimes your fault. You can't always blame others for hurting you. If you setup the relationship for failure; based on unsubstantiated fears. I suspect some of your issues date back to childhood, not just past relationships.
I continue to repeat this over and over.
Insecurity kills relationships!!!
People claim to have "trust" issues, and continue to go from one relationship to the next, crushing people with their "trust" issues. Pressuring people with preconceived notions of infidelity; or disbelief they are loveable.
Demanding constant reassurance they deserve to be loved, or are loved.
If you can't convince yourself, no one else can. You're not ready for a relationship,until you love yourself. Then you feel worthy, and don't set yourself up with losers who end up hurting you.
Your damage is done. He has to guard his own feelings. You gave him a taste of things to come. You won't change over-night. It's going to take some work. Even if he forgives you, it's only a matter of time before you're back to it again. Hopefully, it's just PMS.
Don't get me wrong. Having cold-feet about a new relationship, and the fear of the risks involved, is totally normal. We all have those little panic attacks when we realize we are opening ourselves up to a new person. The vulnerability is pretty scary. Even for us guys.
However; you know you have insecurities, and they may amplify your survival mechanism. You recognize you have issues, now all you need to do is seek help to deal with them. So you can maintain a loving and lasting relationship.
Couples will always run into problems. Women do have PMS associated with their cycle, and get a little crazy.
We all just need to know how to tackle emotional obstacles and own up to the responsibility to change, when it affects others.
Don't draw any conclusions before he tells you how he feels.
If it makes you feel any better, I've known women with worst cases of PMS. You're a kitten in comparison.
You've already offered him your apologies. However; you hit him when he was vulnerable and defenseless. Not good. Not good at all.
So, you wait for the verdict. The jury is out. He has retreated to lick his wounds. He's better left alone at this point. He knows you're sorry. However; he's still
offended by your behavior. Just take it easy. This is all new to him.
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