A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'm hoping I can get some real life experience answers here. The situation is I'm bisexual. I've been dating a Guy for 2 years and I love him deeply. He's none since the day we met that I'm bi and he's never had a problem with me dating a woman the entire we've been dating. The thing is she and I ended our relationship 2 months ago on good terms. Now the Guy has asked me to marry him and start a family with him. He has assured me that if we marry he will continue allowing me to have a girlfriend, shhould I meet and become involved with one, which will happen because I need a woman significant other in my life. The thing is if I accept his proposal, which I definitely want to do, will his acceptance and support of bisexuality and need to have a significant woman partner change down the road and lead to altercations and worsemore a divorce. I would really like it if anyone could give me first.hand advice thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2013):
Chi girl you are awesome .. Totally in agreement .. As a health professional (RMN, mother, wife, sister,friend ) I couldn't have said it any better..
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread .. Be carefully think
It through .. It's not all about you once you marry and have little ones . Children if you had any have emotions as would you hubby .. They don't need to have your lifestyle choices burden on them ..
Take care
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 July 2013):
 I think you're looking at this from the wrong angle. I don't think there is anything wrong in having an open marriage, but I do not think you are seeing the consequences of your actions here.
I am a bisexual as well. However unlike you, I prefer to be monogamous. And to me, that's really what this boils down to, not whether or not you are bisexual. Sex with a woman is the same as sex with another man. It's another person. So, you're not monogamous, you have a desire to have more than one sexual partner.
When you marry, you take a vow to God to stay faithful... Marriage means just the two of you, monogamous. I am aware that some still have an open marriage, but the idea of marriage is that there is just two people in the marriage. Hence why it is, in most countries, illegal to marry several people. You're allowed to only be married to ONE person at a time.
I think, if you can't be monogamous, you have no business getting married. Why would you? But that's just my opinion.
Another point you haven't thought through is that if he allows you to have girlfriends on the side, he should also be allowed this. And yes, resentment WILL build up. He will, at some point, not be okay with the arrangement. Maybe he will, sure, I can't tell the future, but most likely he will not be fine with it long term.
You should of course discuss this with him, but you also need to take a long and hard look at yourself and what you actually want with your life and your relationship. If you want to spend the rest of your life with him (and have children with him!) then you should not WANT to have girlfriends on the side. What, would you invite her to your wedding? Have her sleep in your house when your kids are asleep? Or introduce a girlfriend to your children as mommy's little thing on the side? Exactly where do you think this is going?
If you want to play happy family, get married, have kids, then do it 100%, not just 50%. Don't split yourself up between two people, or lead a life of promiscuity. Marriage is for two people, and between two people only. Not a third person. If you do not want to live that life, then marriage is not for you. Why would you want to marry when you KNOW this isn't what you want? You need to sort out what you want and make up your mind.
You should also think about whether or not having a girlfriend on the side is actually fair on your boyfriend, who is loyal and committed to you. Does he deserve this? He says he is fine with it, but are YOU truly fine with it? No regrets, no guilt?
I am capable of separating sex from feelings. I was once in a relationship too where he allowed me to have sex with girls, and I did. Without guilt. He said he was fine with it, I was open and honest about it, he even encouraged me to hit on girls.
But you know what? After that relationship ended, and I took a look back, I know that this wasn't right. What business did I have involving this man, he had feelings for me, I was supposed to take care of HIS interests too, not only my own. When in a relationship, you can't be selfish and only interested in satisfying your own needs. Your goal should be to satisfy the needs of each other, and to keep the others best interest in mind. Not just look out for yourself. And I know, it was not in his best interest that I slept with others. Even if it was the deal we made before we became a couple, that I was allowed to have sex with girls. It still wasn't right of me to demand such a thing. It's saying one thing and doing another: I want commitment, but I want to live as if I am single.
If you want to have sex with both a man and a woman, have lovers. Not boyfriends and girlfriends. Those "relationships" will never be relationships, you aren't giving yourself 100% to him. So in what world are you his girlfriend? You're his part time girlfriend. Does he deserve that?
I don't mean to make you feel terrible, what's done is done, but when you look ahead this SHOULD be of concern to you. Your concern shouldn't be if he will later on resent you for it, or tell you he doesn't want you do have sex with others any longer. Your concern should be: is that what YOU want, not only for yourself, but also for HIM? If you love him, keep his best interest in mind, not only your own interests.
If you marry him, you need to make some sacrifices. You will no longer be single. And he has every right to tell you he wants you to stop with the affairs, if he no longer can take it. You need to be okay with this, be okay with the possibility that he might say "no more". If/when he says stop, will you stop? Will you be okay with that? You can not marry him unless you can stop and be happy in a monogamous relationship. If you can not be happy in a monogamous relationship then you have no business marrying him. Because he might say stop one day.
But please, do keep his best interest in mind. And if/when you become a parent, you need to keep the best interest of your children in mind. Right now you're not sacrificing anything, but living like a single person, yet getting all the benefits of a relationship. You're taking advantage of your boyfriends kindness. It will not work long term, and you need to look ahead and see if this path you are on really takes you where you want to be.
To sum it up:
Marry him only if you want to be monogamous and be with him for the rest of your life.
...............................
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