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female
,
anonymous
writes: After just having read one of your question and answers I am impressed with the responses. I have a similar problem with trust/insecurity issues only I am in my late forties. I didn't feel loved as a child and every man I know or have known, with the exception of my father, has been unfaithful to his wife/partner/girlfriend. So in brief this is where my issues came from. My problem is that I have been married for 16 years to a man I love. However we have had no sex life and very little physical contact, the odd peck on the lips or cheek, for the last 10 years. Yes, I have asked him about on numerous occassions over this period and he has said various things like, things will get better, I am not interested, etc. Recently when I said that I couldn't take this anymore he finally said it was because I have stopped him socialising in his business because of my inability to trust him, he feels like he can't run his business as he would have done because of my attitudes. Clearly we are both unhappy. I know I need help with my issues and I am at present trying to find the right therapy for me to resolve these issues once and for all. How do I help him understand that his behaviour towards me because of my issues is making them worse? The only time I felt free of these issues was in our first few years of happiness together when I trusted him implicitly because he was showing me that he loved me. Well I won't go on anymore, I just need someone to help me see the way forward now. I don't believe he has had or is having an affair because for one major reason, he never goes anywhere but to the office - where I also work part time. I want to know that he has been completely faithful to me during this past 10 years, but I know I can't ask him that because if I do, he will say, you see you don't trust me!! He is probably right for feeling that because this seems to be a vicious circle, I don't trust him because he doesn't appear to be interested in or love me! Help
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2005): Your marriage has stagnated and it needs to be repaired, dear. You both have drifted, but there is hope. You can rekindle that spark you once had but you need to do some work on YOU first. Learn to believe in the goodness of hmanity-learn to believe in your husband and learn to believe in yourself. This is the only way back to learning to trust. First of all, realize 90% of the men out there are wonderful, loving, devoted guys-you can't let past history rule your life. Accept that and let go of the past.Trust yourself first, to stop damning him and others. This common but painful human experience is only contributing, negatively to your personal growth and development. Stop "policing" your husband, stop over analyzing and looking for ways to mistrust him. That is so unfair to him-he married you because he loves you.. Give that same respect back to him. Trust yourself to know you made the wise decision, 16 years ago, to marry him.. Now start honoring that decision and stop the self-defeating torture you are putting yourself through. As for your marriage you both need to reconnect. It will take time and perseverence and a total change of attitude for both of you. Unconditional love is the first step and learning to have a positive attitude, relax, have fun and enjoy your husband at the emotional level, first-the physical will come later. (don't rush this) You both need to make each other feel loved, appreciated and adored. You need to rebuild what you both shared many years ago through understanding, devotion, sensitivity and patience. If he's not feeling the closeness, the caring and understanding from you, then he's not going to respond in the bedroom. If one of you doesn't at least try, you both will just keep stagnating. Life is just too short to spend it so unhappily. You sincerely sound like you love him want and you to to do all you can to improve your marriage. Then get the ball rolling-stop the standoff and get proactive. Your husband doesn't have ESP, hun, you have to communicate in a loving..non-threatening way-what you need from him.
Learn compassion and acceptance. Realize that your husband is human, no matter how perfect he seemed in the beginning. He is going to do things that will always bug you. He is going to do things and say things to disappoint you. In fact, is there any relationship of any type where this is not the case? Try to have as much compassion and remember, his imperfections are not an indication of lack of love for you. Lastly, live each day as if it were the last day of your relationship. If this really was the last day with your husband, you would want him or her to know how much he is loved and appreciated.
Another suggestion is, if this is hard for you, then get some marriage counseling. Sometimes a mediator helps to keep the lines of communication open and can suggest many wonderful to improve your marriage. And remember dear- Count your blessings in life, not your troubles. You both will make it through whatever comes along. Within you are so many answers to what troubles you. Try to understand-have courage and be strong. Good luck and I wish you both well and happy times ahead.
Hugs,
Irish
A
female
reader, Delila +, writes (8 September 2005):
A woman needs to feel that they are the only woman that her man has eyes for, that she is a goddess, he lets her know by telling her she is the most beautiful woman in the world and by loving her and making her feel like she is a queen. A man needs to feel trusted to always do the right thing, that they are the best at everything they do and that their partner would never put any other man before them. I can understand where you are comming from. You need re-assurance from your husband that he still thinks you are his sex kitten. He needs to feel that he is your knight in shinning armour trusted acheive the impossible and that you believe in him. Stop analysing everything each of you do or don't do and start asking for what you need directly.
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