A
female
age
41-50,
*akeItBetterGirl
writes:I am really in a bind and I don't know what to do.A little over a year ago I met my now fiancé. When we met we clicked instantly and became an item right away. He is charming, intelligent, attractive, educated and an all around great guy. About four months ago, we moved in together and it's been great - we have similar interests and just really enjoy the time we spend together. I knew he was serious about me when he started talking about the future as "our future together." I can honestly say that I want to spend the rest of my life with him.A couple of months into our relationship, we had a talk about our past boyfriends / girlfriends. He's 31 (I'm 28) and has had a few girlfriends; some serious, some not so serious but never just casual. I had absolutely no problem with any of that. I realized, however, that his "number" was lower than mine and that he has never tried any crazy stuff. Sooo... I didn't go into full details about my own past. In particular, I did not mention anything about my boyfriend before him. That boyfriend and I did not last long but right from the beginning, it was "anything goes." When we broke up romantically we remained friends and I've since introduced him to my fiance as my "good friend." My fiance was accepting of what information I did divulge. I remember him asking me if there was anything in my past that could be an embarrassment in the future. I answered "no." Life together continued great and we got engaged last January.When we first started dating, it was different with my fiance because it took a while for us to become lovers. When we did, I discovered that he is great between the sheets! Even so, I have been a bit hesitant to let loose completely in the bedroom. He has suggested on numerous occasions that since he has found in me his true love, he would like for us to be more adventurous in bed. He wants to try stuff he has never tried with another woman. I have so far resisted even though what my fiance wants is not really new to me - I had those experiences with my ex.Fast forward to last week. We were at a party where many of our friends were present. Everyone had plenty to drink and loud conversations were everywhere. At one point we were talking with a couple, when my ex approached us. With him was a woman who was beyond drunk. When my ex introduced her to me, she responded, "oh he's (her guy, my ex) told me all about you. You're the chick he and his buddy had threesomes with."I was stunned and my fiancé caught it. It took a few seconds before anyone said anything. Finally my ex said something like "don't be ridiculous "and guided her away. The other couple that was with us also moved away. My fiancé just looked at me and said let's go. In the car and at home there was no conversation.The next day he asked me if it was true. I stammered and didn't really say anything coherent. In fact, it was true. With my ex had an enjoyable bunch of threesomes.My fiancé says that I have deceived him and humiliated him. He feels terrible and he's says it's worse since he figures all our friends now know as well. In the last week he has said that he wants to reconsider "us." Even though I told him all that was in the past and that I love him with all my heart, he still feels like he's been duped. He's also extremely angry that I hadn't wanted to experiment with him while I had "no problem" experimenting with the other guy. When I asked him what I could do, he said he wants a way more complete discussion about past sex partners because he figures (correctly - ouch!)that I wasn't completely truthful the first time. He also wants to know who the second guy in the threesomes was. What do I do? He really is the real deal. I have dated enough losers and jerks in the past to recognize this. I don't want to lose him. He is the only man I have ever wanted to marry. I'm incredibly sorry that he was humiliated. I don't know what to do. Any advice would be so appreciated.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 September 2012):
 YIKES! The anonymous male guy some posts back really hit it on the head here! The whole sordid "threesome" past is only 50% of the issue. Yes, it's serious because you portrayed your sexual history as different from what it really is.
The HUGE issue, and the one that has the greatest potential of destroying your relationship is your ONGOING lie that you were caught in.
You kept contact with an ex, and you failed to tell your fiance that you and he were together. You hid your relationship from him right under his nose! Most guys have issues with their girlfriends/fiances keeping close, constant touch with an ex, but you didn't even give him that choice when you deceived him. He's wondering what else you're hiding...a secret affair? Other secret exes that he thinks have always been platonic?
Putting aside the fact that you're not obligated in the first place to reveal your past sex life blow-by-blow like showing a credit history before buying a house, you chose to lie instead of assert your past as off-limits aside from a clean bill of non-STD health. You lied to him. He thought you were someone other than who you are.
But the *much* bigger history is that you remaining "good friends" with an ex and hiding it from him. That is a major deal breaking no-no. ULTRA no-no. Nobody does that, and you didn't even give your fiance the courtesy of being "okay" with it.
Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh, but if he were here asking what to do after the incident at the party, I would have most likely advised him that you were astonishingly disloyal with the secret ex and would advise him to break up with you over this.
I don't know how you'll get him back other than painstaking honesty at this point, and even then, he may find that the real you is less compatible than the "you" you constructed to try to get with him.
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (27 September 2012):
Well I think it is clear that you have messed up even if your reason for lying was basically good in that you didn't want him to feel bad about being compared with the other guys you had fun with. Sadly it is even worse now because now he knows you lie about a fairly big issue his imagination about what else you might have done is unlimited.
Best thing is to push him to make a decision. Tell him you are sorry you dint give him the full story, if there is more then you should tell him now. Then tell him how much you love him and how much more special he is but that you will understand if he wants to find someone else. Then hope his love for you is strong enough, crying might help. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2012): You sexually humiliated him. Let him move on and repair the wounds you have inflicted.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2012): Choosing not to say anything about your past is one thing. Telling or implying lies about your past is something VERY DIFFERENT. If you don't want to talk about some or all of your past then just tell your partner you won't discuss it. That is fair to both sides. It lets the other partner make their own decision based on what you do want to reveal about yourself, and how they feel about the whole topic. But once you start misleading your partner then you are breaking the rules. You cannot expect a partner to accept the truth just because they accepted your earlier lies. They have a right to choose who they get involved with, just like you do. Like it or not the past is part of who everyone is. Playing fair means no lying about it. The only people who have a problem with this are people who want to get the benefits of making sacrifices they have not made.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (25 September 2012):
 "What you disclose to another person, even if they are a fiance, a parent or your best friend is for you to decide. No one can make you confess anything you don't want to. He is not a priest or a judge"
Except her past was disclosed by a drunk friend of her ex. Sadly our pasts are shared with those we experienced them with, and hence have a tendency to come out anyway. We don't get to decide.
The recommendation to tell him more is not an obligation, but rather a practical suggestion.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2012): What really stuck out to me was his "asking me if there was anything in my past that could be an embarrassment in the future." Is he hoping to be a politician or something?
Since this threesome revelation was such a big deal to him, you might think through your past and either tell him about similar events or tell him that nothing else is in your closet, and swear to your truthfulness.
I don't know how helpful this will be, but Dr. Drew Pinsky often says, "More mystery, less history."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2012): What you disclose to another person, even if they are a fiance, a parent or your best friend is for you to decide. No one can make you confess anything you don't want to. He is not a priest or a judge.
Why put yourself in a position where your SO is allowed to judge you for your past?
What matters is who you are now with him and what you do now. It is also for you to decide when and how to experiment in bed or if you want to do it or not.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2012): There is one other thing that nobody has mentioned so far. You told your BF that your ex was "just a friend" and then he was later revealed to be your sex partner. This is another example of deception that most guys take VERY seriously.
I understand that this other sex-buddy/friend was never a serious relationship partner. That detail makes no difference when it comes to respecting your current partner.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2012): "Here's a question for you. Why did you resist being more experimental with your fiancée, especially after you had moved in with him and he had proposed. Could you explain the logic behind this? You obviously enjoyed a more "robust" sex life prior to meeting him, and you feel you want to spend the rest of you life with him, yet when he broached the topic of spicing things up in the bedroom you resisted.
Why?"
I was going to ask the same. If this happened to me there would be no reconsidering "us", we would definitely be over.
Now for me, I don't have a problem with women who are sexually experimental, as many guys here seem to. It doesn't bother me one bit that you have had threesomes and one night stands and all that. It's in the past, and actually I see nothing wrong with it at all. I don't understand why this makes a guy sick as it does the anonymous guy talking about his wife's previous partners...
But there is no way that I am going to continue to be with you after you've lied and pretended to be a "good girl", told me that you haven't done any of that, and have refused to be adventurous in the bedroom with me. Plus if you've lied about this, how can I trust you at all? How can I trust you to stay faithful to me?
Anyway if you want to sort this out, you need to be completely honest with him. Tell him why you held back, and why you didn't tell him the truth. When he asks to try new things in the bedroom, this shouldn't be a problem for you to do so if you really do love him like you say you do, so do it.
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A
female
reader, 1busybee +, writes (22 September 2012):
Be honest. Tell him past is past and that you have moved on. Is he envious because he wants a threesome? If so are you going to be used in that way again? If so try it. If not try for a new love with him, either way good luck.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (22 September 2012):
The problem with saying something is 'the past' and no longer relevant is that is only sometimes true.
When the past is long gone, forgotten and buried, and no longer effecting the present day then yes it can be said the past is no longer important.
But when the past walks up to you and smacks you in the face then it becomes very much the present.
Sadly this is the case here. I'm sure her ex boyfriend is mortified: I wonder what he said to his drunk female friend afterwards. I'm sure it wasn't good. But when you are at parties where your ex(es) are present, things like this are going to happen.
One other thing to bear in mind is although information like this is in the past for one person, when their partner learns about it for the first time it can very easily feel like the present. It's new information, and although it shouldn't it so easily becomes 'now'.
Either way, the reality is she did not tell him the truth in the present. That's going to act as a multiplier to the negative images and information he now has bouncing around in his head. My experience tells me that he is going to find it very very hard to get over this, and will need all the understanding and support he can get.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2012): If you are the same mr anonymous who wrote the long post regarding their own situation . I feel for you I really do, but there are two stand out differences, between yours and op post. She didn't tell her bf as i feel want it to effect her relationship so she opted to put it from her mind ...a time in her life that now she would rather forget.. Your wife however wanted as you stated to brag, about her experience .Filling you in details that shoulda been left well alone..I think your post will help as the op can see that even the most dire situations can work out. But for that to happen, there will be a lot of hurdles of emotions and her bf may never be able to forgive and move on, she does need to prepare for that to happen. But I still feel she needs to give him the time he has requested and let him reconsider what his feelings are. She needs to explain as she did in her post that it was a past experience that's she moved on from, that she loves him and is truly sorry for hurting his feelings . She never intended that to happen. But it's also a part of her past and she cannot take it back or erase it. Her bf needs the time to either deal with it, and his own insecurities over it. Of course he angry and I wouldn't dismiss that he has every right over her fibbing, but truthfully he has no right to be angry at what she did.. It is after all her body to share as she pleases... And it's in her past. If he frightened she may do it again (i am assuming this may be a factor )then they have to talk about what they will/not permit . So to the girl I restate, you are the real you... I hope that you both can move on from this and have a happy future. But this will take time, and there will be lots of frustrations, anger and tears through the way .
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2012): If the past is left in the past then it does not show up and humiliate her boyfriend in public. It does not cost him lots of sexual experimentation that he wanted to someday try with his life partner.
The OP's boyfriend is not punishing her for her past. Her past is punishing HIM.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2012): I thought the purpose of here was for others to offer advice and solutions taken from their own knowledge and life experiences. Not to be asked 'why' she wouldn't spice up her bedroom actives with her bf. It doesn't take much to work out that what she had relationship wise with her ex, is not what she currently has, hence her optin not to disclose anything about her previouoo lifestyle. Also though we use our own knowledge of our lifes to answer Don't we have to watch we don't become to subjective..D
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2012): Oh my, my wife and I went thru a similar thing (without the deceit part). I offer it to you in hopes you may find it helpful, even as the stories are not identical. I met my now wife of 20 years when we were around 22. She and I fell head over heels in love. Even though we both felt ourselves a little too cool to be in a serious relationship, we couldn't help ourselves and became inseparable. We eventually expressed a desire to get serious. Shortly after she unloaded on me her entire sexual history. she said she did it cause she wanted me to know everything about her i think she also wanted to brag a bit. Well i found it to be incredibly hurtful, and still do sometimes. It almost broke us up several times. This is real hurt, not ego as suggested in another post. When u love someone so much, it just hurts to hear stories where u know the guys used and considered her little more than a cum receptical. Imagine, if you had a daughter, learning of that. Well the feeling is much the same - a deep hurt that makes you sick to your stomach.All you women who insist the past is the past, it's hers, none of my business, I should just accept it, etc., remember that I am telling this from my perspective, my feelings, having lived thru it - so save your self-rightous preaching.My then girlfriend of 22 had had sex with 40 odd guys, did a threesome with two guys, willingly had a train pulled on her, had sex with a guy in a bathroom without even speaking to him first, she had sex with a guy just to get coke - it seemed that she never said "no" to anyone. need I go on? i had the excuisite displeasure of meeting many of these guys, several of whom i have had to see over the years at family functions now going on 20 years. Yes, I had had my share of one night stands, but every time I had been present in the room when a train was being pulled, or had someone trying to pull me into a threesome - I left or said no thanks. I am no prude by any stretch, but our moral values as to sex were different.We were able to stick it out for several reasons: (1) we truly loved each other, and true love can conquer all! (2) she stayed calm and reassuring when I would have my dark and angry spells (note: never was I verbally or physically abusive toward her for this, or any, reason); (3) she expressed deep remorse - not because she didn't enjoy some of these things (some she did, some she found very hurtful), but because to witness the anguish it caused me made her very sad she had done things that later clearly caused so much pain to the one she loved (4) she explained that her nature was such that if she did not do these things, she would always be curious, which would lead to bigger problems down the road (more on this later), and (5) what I found most upsetting is that she would not do with me stuff that she did with scumbags she didn't even know and that didn't give a crap about her. After I explained how pissed that made me, how worthless and pathetic it made me feel (yes, this part is ego), how those guys would probably just laugh in my face if they knew - and that when I met them, as did your fiancé, I was like a big joke. Well she went ahead and did some of those things she did not want to, and when I noticed her quietly crying during one of them, it cut so deeply, I never brought up the subject again. The reason i bring this last one up is not that i needed to hurt her, or some other sick thing. Rather, it was just that she expressed a willingness to do them for me (go ahead girls, have at me for that one).The comment she made about her nature proved true over the years when i met her, everywhere she went she was hit on guys hooted at her walking down the street when i went to the restroom, a guy would slide over to my seat and give it a go, she never had to pay for a drink but even with all this outside attention, some from men way, way more attractive than me, never has she strayed. She has, from day one, been utterly devoted to me! So, though still hurtful, i have come to view her past as what she said, a painful but necessary step to becomming who she is now.So, that is our story i know your is different. My only advice is to be very patient and loving. Know that his pain is very real, and a function of how deeply he cares for you.I hope you guys make it like we did. Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2012): Here's a question for you. Why did you resist being more experimental with your fiancée, especially after you had moved in with him and he had proposed. Could you explain the logic behind this? You obviously enjoyed a more "robust" sex life prior to meeting him, and you feel you want to spend the rest of you life with him, yet when he broached the topic of spicing things up in the bedroom you resisted.
Why?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2012): I totally disagree with mr anonymous post... You are the real you and don't let anyone tell you or suggest you are not. You have however broken his trust, he did ask was there anything regarding your sexual past that you wanted to disclose and you opted and I can understand why.. you decided to fib, so to speak. You have the love of your life and you do not want him to think of you as anything other than special.. There a saying, what a tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive and I hold that saying in good stead. . You fibbed he has every right in away to feel angry and on top of that feel like a fool at the minute. I think the best way forward would be to let him have his space say a month of no contact, tell him it was a mistake you made and you didn't want him to think badly of you.. And that is why I think you didn't come clean in the first instance. To go into details I feel will only enrage him more. And therefore hurt the relationships to the point there may be no returnWe shouldn't judge the past, it's the future that counts..Take care
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (21 September 2012):
Oh dear. He's entitled to feel deceived and humiliated: both those happened to him that day. The question he asked you "if there was anything in my past that could be an embarrassment in the future" was a very important test.
In terms of what to do now: you need to let him process this. He may not be able to hand it and leave you. Many men would to be honest.
If he decides he wants to stay with you then my advice for having 'the discussion' is:
- Don't give him any factual details about your sexual history. Each detail you give will make it more difficult to cope. However you probably need to give him a vague idea of your 'number' (to the nearest 10 or so).
- I would give him the names of any guys you have had sex with that he might meet. He deserves not to be blindsided like that again.
- You can tell him about your emotional history with sex: that may help him understand why you were like you were and why you are like you are.
I try to help men on this site a lot who are in your fiancee's situation. If you look through my post history you'll find the advice i give them when they want to be with someone but are struggling with their sexual history.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2012): Its not your threesomes that have come back to haunt you. Its your lies.
This will be painful to hear but I hope you read what I write very carefully: Your BF is not in love with the real you. He never even agreed to date the real you more than a few months. He has been developing all those feelings for the imaginary woman that you told him you were.
Your made-up sexual values were a part of what he was in love with. (Like it or not, inconvenient or not, politically correct or not, this is how it is. This is who HE is.) But now that imaginary woman is gone forever. Instead he has a woman who has this major incompatibility with him and is dishonest about herself too.
It would have been easier on everyone if he had just made sure not to get too seriously involved with a woman whose sexual values and past are a problem for him. But how can he do that if he asks the right questions early in the relationship and gets lies for answers? He didn't choose to end up in this fix. He did everything in his power to steer clear of it, but you deceived him into it anyway.
Now your boyfriend has a very difficult choice to make. Either he must choose to accept (the real) you completely or else he needs to break up. If he stays with you his bad feelings about your sexual values and history are permanent. It will hurt him just as much as it does today for as long as he loves you, even decades from now. He can choose to accept his feelings and mange them on his own but there is no magic treatment for this kind of problem. The way to treat it is to avoid getting into it.
If you stay together he will need some time to deal. But when the smoke clears he has to really be accepting you. He cannot be halfway accepting this and throwing it back in your face whenever he gets angry for years to come. His acceptance has to be all or nothing, like you would expect from him if you had been honest with him up front. There is no painless way out for either of you now.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (21 September 2012):
 I think you just need to give him the space. Right now more than anything else it's bruised ego, and while he's hurt, the love he has for you should overcome this bump. I would NOT in 100 years tell him who the other partner was. He will obsess over all of it. I don't think he deserves to know about your other partners, and he needs to just accept that you had a colorful past, you're willing to continue having a colorful sex life, but with him.
I would put the marriage on hold even if he does move forward with you because there's still likely a lot of damage control to take care of.
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A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (21 September 2012):
 This is your opportunity to have a necessary and very important conversation with him. You said at first you had not told him everything about your sexual history, then later that you had. Maybe I misunderstood, or got the timeline wrong.
Either way, you need to tell him that there are important reasons why you have not told him everything, even if it was wrong. First, it was obviously embarrassing to discuss these things with him because of what he might think of you. Second, the previous relationship (and hence your ex) didn't matter as much to you, which is the reason why such activity ever took place. (In my experience sexual experimentation that includes people outside the relationship is often a sign you are less concerned with or focused on the long-term health of the relationship.)
In other words, it is because he means so much more to you that you wouldn't want to go there with your relationship. He should also respect your decision as to whether you want to divulge any more information about what happened.
Ultimately, all of these things happened before you were with him, is really your personal business, and was not "wrong". And he should not judge you by the decisions you made in the past, before you were with him, mores than by what you have done since you met him. We all have a past, and we have all made mistakes.
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