A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello. My boyfriend and I are in our mid 20's and this month we have been dating for five years. Our first two years of dating we lived in different towns which were 250 miles apart. The next two years we lived together. And for the next four years, he is moving to another state which is 1500 miles from where I am staying (our hometown). He moved there to get a doctorate degree to become a doctor and moving out of state was his only option to do that. He just completed his first year and has three more years to go. The dilemma - I want to get married soonish; he doesn't. We have had discussions on this and I just don't know what to do. His side, he wants to support me, he's not ready to be tied down, he wants to graduate, get a job, get a house and everything before marriage. which is fine and very sensible thing to do. I get this. My side, I'm ready to move on to the next level of our relationship, I don't see why we can't start planning on getting married. I want to ensure that I'm not wasting my time in which I mean I don't want to continue dating him if I don't know if marriage is in the future. My concern is we are in our mid twenties, I feel like I have a biological time clock on me. I want to slowly progress through this transition. I want to discuss our views and I want to try to be just married and try (i know i can't control) not to get pregnant. I don't want to get married and have kids right away. He won't get out of college until we are in our early thirties. Okay that's fine .. I would have liked to get married sooner but I could learn to live with this. but by the time he wants a job house and all that nonsense I want at least two years to plan a wedding. I would actually prefer a long engagement. By the time he proposes (Which I don't know exactly when that will be) I'm worried I'll be in this huge race to get married and have kids .. I want more than one. and I'm worried that what if I'm the person who can't have kids or has complications on getting pregnant. By this time I'll be in my mid thirties and I do not want kids in my forties.. Also I feel like him being 1500 miles away is a huge commitment. I feel that getting engaged sometime before he graduates is a way to compromise. I know this is very bitchy of me to say and I realize that the only difference between us dating and us being engaged is just the title and material things that come along with it. But I feel as if it would assure me more on okay he really is planning on this too and he wants what I want someday. I feel so stupid because I feel like I'm giving him ultimatums and that isn't fair to do that to him nor do I want to I just wish I could compromise with him on this and this was my answer. I know we both want to get married to each other and what not. and he feels like I'm rushing and I really don't think so. And it just hurts my feelings when he's not really thinking about it as much as I am. I know he's right, but I also want my many things to happen because my parents are older than normal parents and I want them to try to be around for everything. My boyfriend is back for the summer - the only one he will be back for and I had high hopes that maybe just maybe he may ask me and I Just feel soo stupid for thinking that he might leaving myself with false hopes and honestly I just get embarrassed when all our friends and family ask when we are going to get married. (this is not why I want to get married) I want to just be engaged and just start working on things preparing us for the day when we will get married and when he does get a job. And yes, I don't need a ring to do this.. I realize that I'm following culture norms and just being materialistic..but it's a symbol also for saying that he wants what I want some day soon too. Anyways, I just am not sure what to do and I am just looking for more perspective or advice on this matter. I feel like this has come up in our relationship more frequently and I just don't know if I can live with this.. I don't want to break up with him I think we are pretty great together and we both have our views and issues and for the most part we compromise but I don't know if I'm being very reasonable or comprisable with him on this matter. and as well as himAny thoughts? Am I really just being ridiculous or what?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2014): I have no answer for you.
But all I can say is I could have written your post WORD FOR WORD.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 June 2014):
 I think you just don't feel that sure about his committment and willingness to settle down with you , hopefully forever. You fear at some level that he is slipping you away and may be slowly worming out of his " obligations ".
It is a matter of trust, ultimately. Do you believe that he loves you, do you believe that he really wants to marry you ?. If you do, you have nothing to worry. He told that he wants to finish his studies, and get a good job, and a place to live - first, as you agreed yourself , this makes a lot of sense, - second, he sounds very committed to his career and I do not think you could easily make him change his mind about his goals.
As for two years to plan a wedding ? aww please, I understand being a perfectionist and wanting everything just so, but... not even a royal family needs two months to plan a wedding ! Plus, if you ask me, ( I know, you did not ) long engagements , unless in very special circumstances ( a war or something ) do not even EXIST. Meaning, an official engagement means exactly : I am putting my money where my mouth is. NOW I am ready to get married, so I AM getting married as soon as reasonably feasible.
It's not about calling dibs on a guy 5 years before the actual event, in the hope of discouraging him from straying and other women from hitting on him. That should be totally unnnecessary, by the time you get engaged.
I think what makes you want to speed up things is, more than any other ( nonetheless reasonable ) consideration you submit in your post, those few little words nonchalantly thrown away among the others ..." he is not ready to be tied down "... why, is he not " tied down " yet, albeit by nothing else than your mutual love ? Is he not monogamous and faithful, is he not sharing his plans and decisions for the future with you, is he not making you a part of this future ?... Is he not committed ?...
If you believe he is, you'll wait for him to be ready, and to have completed his main goals, the compromise you could do ,for instance, it would be on your side, in not taking two years to organize a wedding.
If you don't believe him, and deep down you suspect him to be stringing you along until he can jump ship- ah well, I have no way , based on your post, to say if it is just your paranoia and insecurity , or if there is something in your past as a couple and in his attitude / the way he treats you to warrant this thought. You'll be the best judge of this, if you accept to think of your relationship in very lucid , rational terms, leaving any wishful thinking out.
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