A
female
age
41-50,
*.A.A.
writes:HelloI have suffered with low self esteem for years and need to get over it really! I have a sister who is beautiful, tall, slim and popular. My family always used to comment how she looked like a model and their faces would light up when she came in the room. She was the naughty one growing up while I was sensible and if we argued my dad would always take her side. I don't think they intentionally ignored me or realised how I felt but after years of being second best to my sister I would just shrink away in my room. We now have both had a baby and everybody is saying how wonderful she looks. I am very happy for her. I just have trouble with my self esteem, I worry always what people think of me and try not to do anything where I might upset anyone. I can never make a decision, little things and in life. I have been in a job for 8 years but am too worried to make the break away as I don't know what else I'd be good at. I keep quiet in social situations as I don't think people are really too worried about my opinion. And I have always been curvy, I don't view myself as over weight but my parents are always making remarks to me about what not to eat and I should follow the diet my sister uses. Can anyone offer any advice in getting over these issues? Thank you
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female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (23 June 2014):
All I can use as an example is my husband's first wife. She is classically beautiful whereas I am characterful, have more qualifications and a better figure. It took me ages to feel OK and a least her equal. I do now, especially as my step daughter asks me how to promote her business because her Mum doesn't have a clue.Also, as people age they lose their fresh beauty. I know this seems like a long way ahead, but age levels people.As a Mum you will give your child your gentle influence. I can feel that you will be calm and confident for your children.If you have any chance to get a bit of support using Cognitive Behavioural Therapy I recommend it.If you don't, invite the other new Mums you meet to your home and start a lunch rota between you.Lead a few ideas. Doing that will bring the confidence you deserve. I am sure you will find that you sister admires you for things that you do not know about.Be happy or her that she is beautiful but remember what you have inside. It is another kind of beauty which you should smile about and treasure.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (23 June 2014):
 She is not you. You aren't her. She should have nothing to do with your self-image, nor vice versa. Comparisons suck, quite frankly, because if you have self-esteem issues, you'll come up short no matter what because you've made your mind up to listen to the lies and not the truth.
We deal with what we deal with. Everyone gets the hand they're dealt. Some things we're dealt with aren't as good as other people's, and some are better. Still others have the potential to be better, and some become worse with our bad decisions.
You have to accept the bad cards and enjoy the good ones. Your sister has bad and good ones as well, but you're only focusing on her good cards and your bad ones. The big thing is that you're not 10 years old anymore, so you have to quit reacting as the 10-year old version of you would and start reacting like the successfully employed adult you are now.
If you want to grow, you have to put the time into it. If you're stuck with anxiety, then it's a good idea to talk to a life coach or a therapist. There is no stigma attached to bettering yourself, and you can only get better and more competant. Going to self-help seminars are good too. I don't know who has replaced Tony Robbins or Zig Ziglar as motivational speakers, but sometimes the tools taught are worth the price of admission.
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A
female
reader, banditsmom1124 +, writes (23 June 2014):
 i had this problem growing up too...i have 3 gorgeous popular sisters while i was fat and disabled growing up. everyone treated me the way you describe and i hated it...especially always getting the blame in arguments!
well i finally did something about it... i started to eat better, started walking around the block or for short distances and started dressing and doing my hair differently. i also started limiting the time i spent with my family and found outside interests. after a while i got higher self esteem and more attention.
i hope my story helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2014): You are over thirty years old. Have you considered going to counseling? You've spent a better part of your life carrying jealousy for your sister. If she's attractive, it's going to be noticed. It's just a fact of life.
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