A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for 10 years and when I met my husband he inherited my 3 children too who were very young at the time, we have also had a child together... I had just left a violent marriage 6 months earlier and we were all still recovering (the violence wasn't aimed at the children) and I was not looking for love but he chased me until I gave in, on the whole it was a good decision as he's given myself and my children a wonderful life, with his job we've travelled the world, we live in a nice area and the children have grown up in a settled loving family Then puberty happened! 2 years ago when my middle daughter turned 13 she changed into a person we didn't recognise she became nasty, aggressive and moody on one occasion she hit both myself and my husband, in all senses she became almost like my ex husband and started trying to control us by emotional abuse and blackmail, if we refused to do things she would run away and tell her peers we'd hurt her etc thankfully it would all come out as her lying but obviously they would have to investigate it first her being a child, it's been the most hideous for all of us for a few years now..... Finally we've got her some therapy but it's going to be a long long journey and in the mean time she's still a total Madame most of the time, I love my child and just want to help her even if I'm her emotional kick at the moment but for my husband it's black and white she's a brat and needs to punished or put into care, it's got to the point it's caused huge problems in my marriage to the point my husband hates me and won't speak to me (he hasn't spoken to her for over 3 months after she kicked me in the stomach after a op I had) he thinks I'm weak, soft and a crap mother for not being stronger about all this...it's got to the point I'm considering leaving him over it (if he doesn't first) but then that causes problem for the other 3 children that love there dad (there real dads not in the picture... His choice) and they desperately want us to stay together and I love him too and won't want to split up but I don't see how much we can take before one of us breaks
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (31 May 2014):
 The thing that strikes me is how you seem to be comfortable (not exactly the right word but the one that I can think of) or used to being the victim, only you get to choose who the victimizer is, and in this case, you've gone from the violent abusive ex to the violent abusive teenage daughter. You assume that role so thoroughly that you then lash out at the people around you who point out that something is very wrong with that. You did that to your husband and you did that to the aunts here. It's like you are protecting the abuser.
I would say based on this question and your followup, that what you are doing is not working, you do not have the skills nor the objectivity to deal with the situation and that you should bring in a qualified person to handle the dysfunction that you have allowed to happen here.
In other words, get some professional help. Do not blame your husband for being unable to cope, it's pretty clear you are not able to cope either.
The family needs help, your daughter needs help, go get it. Be the grown up, not the victim.
Be brave.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2014): Hi,I thought I would give an opinion from a younger point of view who has been that brat of a child. Never to the extent that your mentioning in your post but I was one very very stroppy teenager who always tried to rule the roost. Now I have a loving relationship with all my family members and have recently started medical school. How times change eh? I'm 21 now but when I hit around 12-13 I became the biggest little bitch. I still don't really know why, I have no mental health problems all I can put it down to was my hormones, pressure from my parents to do well at school and then pressure from my piers to be cool and rebel. My parents are both very accademic, with good jobs and I live in a nice area and home due to this. I used to do what your daughter did. I picked on my mum because I new she would accept my behaviour. Yes she would shout, threaten to kick me out, have me taken to social services, not talk to me the list goes on, but the key point being they were only threats. She never ever enforced her threats and therefore I behavioured however the hell I wanted to towards her as I new I wouldn't be punished. My father on the other hand was very much like your husband. He would not stand for my behaviour, he would shout and not call me names, but tell me exactly what I was. Exactly like your husband, he isn't calling your child names. He's pointing out the truth. At 15 as well I'm sure she has been introduced to bad language and I'm sure she used towards you and your husband. So why can't your husband do it back? She's man enough to dish it out. What snapped me out of my phase was one day my mum suddenly snapped and stopped defending me. She no longer took my actions, she treated me like any other adult and told me to grow the hell up. She did to me exactly what I did to her. She no longer came grovelling to see if I was okay or to 'make up' with me. If I had a violent lash out nobody in the house would talk to me, they wouldn't make me tea or ask if I was ok. They made it clear if I wanted to be treated like an adult and disrespect them then I could fend for myself like an adult. I soon changed my tune. I didn't want to have to apologise to people and they weren't apologising to me anymore. If I didn't back down I would be ignored until I did. I would have to do my own cooking, washing and ironing. It became a very lonely world and one that I did not enjoy.It made me realise that I needed my family. I didn't want to lose them and I didn't want to be by myself anymore. I saw I had to change my actions and slowly I did. I don't know if this is of any help but I thought I would share it from a different point of view. Maybe if you and your husband started singing from the same hymn sheet then your daughter would stop acting so confused. She would have a message enforced from the both of you and not just one. She can see there is a weakness in your partnership at the moment and is targeting this weakness.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (31 May 2014):
 Op having read your follow up a few things have jumped out at me.
"saying I should just give her a darn good hiding... How could I?" and "she ran out in front of a moving car at 5 I caught her and pulled her back to safety...I still have that inner need to protect her (from herself) even now..."
I think the latter incident could well be part of the problem. The issues with my brother, in all fairness, are largely because my mother spoilt him. When heavily pregnant my mom had an emergency operation and my brother, still in the womb, nearly died. My mom found that she felt compelled to be over protective of him after his birth and wanted to never let anyone hurt him or ever allow him into a vulnerable, scary situation ever again. As a result of that, throughout my brothers childhood and early adulthood, my mom spoilt him, tried too hard to please, wouldn't have a bad word said against him and defend his negative behaviours. She went overboard with praise and gifts, mollycoddled him and treated him like a Lord. She was over protective of him and wouldn't allow anyone to discipline him or reproach him.
Partly because he was spoilt, partly to rebel against my mothers smothering, he started getting problematic around the age of 13. Like your daughter he became aggressive, violent, cocky, out of control and full of attitude. But my mom wouldn't stand up to him and if my dad tried my mom would be nasty to dad and not speak to him for days. She would not have a bad word said against my brother. Dad quite rightly wanted to ground him, smack him (you could in those days) and so forth but mom wouldn't let him. In the end my dad knew it was better to let my brother get on with it rather than face my moms attitude to his attempt to curb my brothers aggression. Which of course made my brother worse. My dad pleaded with my mom, as I did, to get her to see that my brother needed DISCIPLINE but she would say "How can we hurt our baby? How can we smack our wonderful child?" My brother needed a bloody good hiding, some good discipline and a tough stance. Mom would never have allowed that. Because she was over protective of him, she saw any attempt at discipline as wrong, she saw it as hurting her vulnerable baby and couldn't see how anyone would want to "hurt" the child she was so protective of. She would discipline me without question and stand up to dad, but when it came to my brother, the fact he nearly died, meant she was over protective to the point of not allowing anyone to discipline him.
I get the feeling its possibly the same with you? You nearly lost your daughter in an accident at a young age and since then, at least subconsciously, you are over protective, too willing to put up with bad behaviour and wont let anybody discipline her. I do think you are confusing discipline with hurt. Feeling that you shouldn't stand up to her too much or discipline her out of fear of stepping out of your own over protective zone and out of concern that she will either hate you or be in some way damaged by discipline.
I hope you wont mind me being a little bold and blunt here but if you love your child then one of the things you need to learn to do is instil discipline, respect and self control. For her to develop into a mature, sensible young woman with a great future she needs to be taught discipline and needs to learn that she will face consequences of bad behaviours. Tip-toing around her, allowing her to get her own way or not letting others discipline her is not doing her any good. You are probably over protective BUT protecting her from the discipline she needs, the respect she should learn and so on.
If she has mental health problems then yes she needs you more than ever, but as well as love and support she also needs you to help bring her a sense of order, respect and discipline. She also has to learn to help herself. I do think you are too willing to take the role of defender and protector, defending her sometimes terrible behaviour and protecting her from others who care about her but quite rightly want to discipline her.
I don't think any of us are saying that you are neglecting, or do not care about the rest of your family. What we are suggesting is that, in situations like this, people often focus so much on the problematic individual that they loose a sense of perspective and loose sight of how others feel around them and how much damage its causing to the rest of their family. They become all consumed and develop a tunnel vision and that's what we are suggesting the OP is doing right now.
Im sure we all appreciate that this child is a vulnerable young person, who is clearly troubled by a variety of issues: absent father, violence, puberty, jealousy and what this child has seen and been through has made this poor child angry and very troubled. We absolutely get that. But we can make as many excuses as we like, and blame her behaviour on whatever life experiences she has been unwittingly subjected to as much as we like, but it doesnt change the fact this child is violent, aggressive, tearing your family apart and, if allowed to continue with this, will only get worse as she gets older.
With the greatest of respect OP, and I have every sympathy with you and respect for your attempts at bringing this situation under control, what you and her husband are doing right now is clearly failing to stop this behaviour getting further out of control. You need a different approach.
Your husband can see this situation in a more black and white way than they OP as he is not letting his feelings get it the way of his judgement. He has been hit physically before by your daughter and has seen his wife kicked after an operation. He will have been abused, shouted at, swore at and treated like dirt by this girl. I am sure he put up with it as long as he could and started off being tolerant but there's only so far he can be pushed before the frustration of not being allowed to seriously discipline this girl becomes too much. As for his shouting and swearing at this child, what is he supposed to do when he gets physically hit by this girl? Turn the other cheek? Appeal to her softer side? Calmly explain that seeing his wife kicked in the stomach following an operation is not very nice and may have caused serious internal bleeding or death?
I admire anyone, of both sexes, who take on other peoples children. This man was not put off by his wife's violent past relationship troubles, gave her and her three young children a great life, support, love, happiness, a future, an end to violence and helped to bring up three young children fathered by a man he must despise for what he did to his wife physically. For that he deserves respect. Likewise you OP gain my respect for surviving a violent relationship, having the strength to leave and bringing up three children without their violent father. Now, after all that, your marriage, happiness and life is being torn apart by a violent child. Neither of you deserve this, but as Celtic Tiger suggested, your husband is probably wondering what on earth he has taken on right now if you wont allow him to discipline a child that is physically abusing the pair of you.
"violence in any situation it's completely un-acceptable it sounds like she's a 5 year old having a temper tantrum"
Anon, there is a huge difference between a five year old in a tantrum, and a teenager kicking a mother in the stomach after she has had an operation. The former is hurtful, frustrating and can lead to being bruised, the latter could have been fatal! Lets not forget that the OP had a violent partner previously, and now her and her husband are been punched and kicked by someone who they love and should love them.
My mother is the most loving wife to my father, loving mother to me and my brother and would die for any one of us at the drop of a hat. But by focusing and being all consumed by my brothers exploits, she has lost sight of the effects on the situation for me and my dad. Last night, my brother called my dad a "C***" and spat at my dad because he asked my brother to take his muddy shoes off instead of walking mud across our new carpets. My dad made a polite, reasonable request and was left tearful, shaking with stress and feeling so low and worthless. This, I remind you, is a man who recently had a heart attack and triple bypass. He said to me in tears "this is killing me, I cant go on" and burst into tears. My moms response was "Why did you tell him to take his shoes off? You shouldn't say anything"!
Its not that my mom doesn't care about me or my dad, she has just become so consumed by my brothers exploits that
even when I explain to her that my dad is likely to DIE because of this, she doesn't want to take it in. I was on strong medication for anxiety and depression, and felt suicidal. When ever I told my mom that my brothers problems were making me ill she would just block it out, shrug her shoulders, tell me to leave even! Its not that she is uncaring or unloving, she is engrossed in my brother and had become so focused on him that the rest of us were ill, my dads blood pressure was sky high, I felt like taking my own life, yet all she could think of was my brother and helping him and protecting him. In truth we and her are the ones who need protecting. My mom is a wonderful, loving, caring person but at present she is sticking her head in the sand. I do think you OP has an element of that also. For the record, my brother has various mental health problem and conditions that make him act like a child. Its not his fault, we can blame anything we like for his behaviour, but it doesn't change the fact that he is killing our father. My mom will tell anyone who listens that my dad "just shouts and swears" at my brother and questions why me and my dad "hate my brother". As far as my mom is concerned WE are part of the problem because we wont take her side in defending him. She treats my brother like her little baby and is over protective to the point of being ridiculous. We wont let him have his own way so we are the enemy in my moms mind.
OP your daughter is killing your marriage, physically and emotionally hurting both you and your husband, and im sure the other children are equally hurt, frustrated and effected. We need to bear in mind also that there is another, younger child in this household. The risk of that child going down a similar path if subjected and influenced by this behaviour is huge, and another reason why this must stop now.
Maybe nobody should put their own child ahead of anyone else, including a husband who isnt their father, but the problematic child WANTS to come between you, WANTS you to be hurt, angry, upset and stressed. By letting the marriage dissolve you will have given in to this childs wants and demands and make it even harder to bring under control. If this child can spilt her mother up from a man who isn't her father then she will have got her own way and can get away with more and more as has "Won".
Nobody would see it as acceptable for an adult or parent to punch or kick a child. That would be abuse which would lead to jail. We all have the responsibility to protect youngsters from abuse and their are various organisations to help in such circumstances...Yet when a child or a teen punches and kicks a parent there is very little in the way of protection or support. This is where the system beaks down. NOBODY should put up with or tolerate violence and physical abuse aimed at them or their family, even if the perpetrator is a trouble child of their own.
Im sorry OP but its time to stop being over protective, stop seeing discipline as hurting your child and unit with your husband to bring order, respect, discipline and self control to this child. Mental Health issues or not, being over protective and protecting her from any form of discipline by your husband is just not working and will continue not to work.
Mark
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A
male
reader, RevMick +, writes (31 May 2014):
 Hi,I'm sorry to say that you aren't listening to us. You are still talking about leaving your husband because of your one daughter who is in charge of everything.To answer your statement, your other children will see the same thing we are. They wont come to you with concerns because you I sense just glaze over it.This man has shared your and your children's life for 10 years. He's seen you being beaten up by your brat of a daughter and is probably stressed and worried sick.He doesn't speak to you, for good reason. Anything he says and you go straight on the defensive with your daughters side. (As you have with our advice).What happens when she lashes out at someone in the street, possibly beating someone up because she didn't get her own way? You seriously think it ends when she's out of the house?This is a slippery slope to being an aggressive bully to anyone who has different opinions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2014): Hello, I'm the 46 year old Mum who posted earlier and who has an elder sister that was behaving like your daughter.
In my sister's case she did develop mental illness and has had a life of absolute hell, but destroyed our family and nearly destroyed me. I now cannot have any contact with her because I was the only member of our family who could empathise with her and she totally manipulated me as a result.
What you say about your daughter having had boundaries all her life rang alarm bells for me. My parents were extremely strict and judgemental people, especially about anything to do with sexuality. At the same time, their boundaries were simply 'imposed' and not fair at all and often totally unclear. Also they were not boundaries that both of them worked out as a team. They were totally incapable of discussing anything in any intelligent way and, as a result, our upbringing was terribly repressive and confusing.
So I'd ask you to please bear in mind when I say 'strict boundaries' I do mean intelligent ones and the one's that her healthcarer is working out with you seem to be exactly that - they are sensitive to her needs and to yours, not just military style impositions.
There is another possibility that may be worth you looking into, which is that your daughter is developing extreme co-dependency. Co-dependency can mean an inability to separate pyschologically from the mother and it can happen in many cases where the mother has been TOO caring, but in a way that the child experiences, ultimately, as insensitive to her sense of growing independence. In this case, the mother's care is a form of control and the child cannot separate psychologically - she both desparately fears abandonment by the mother because she cannot cope, but she also absolutely craves independence from her, hence her violence towards you. It is a very, very common condition but not one that is talked about all that much and it also manifests in many different ways.
Unlike my parents, you do seem sufficiently intelligent and open minded enough to read up about this concept and possibility. I honestly feel that this would have helped my own sister enormously - as it was I am convinced that, at the age of 17, she was wrongly diagnosed and given literally dozens of re-diagnoses over her life time; the effects of being in the mental health system as a woman can be devastating. In my sister's case she was originally diagnosed by a male psychiatrist and subsequently only ever saw male psychiatrists. She is not 49 and in all that time not once has she been offered counselling. I feel that had she been offered this and also had my parents done some straightforward reading - like Co-Dependency for Dummies - which is what I strongly recommend you read - she would have been okay.
It really is all too easy to fall into the trap of becoming terrified, hysterical and ungrounded as you watch a member of your family behave in this way. Really the reason I say she needs structure and discipline is to calm everything and everyone right down and not 'mythologise' what she is going through. The mental health care system can sometimes work well but in my opinion remains far too backward, particularly in understanding young women and their developmental stages. Sometimes it just needs straightforward observations and for everyone to see a clear picture, calm down and stick together.
Please, please read the book I recommend. I think you may have been caring too much for her and, ironically, it's not been the kind of care she needs. It's not too late to change the pattern and I think you are on the right track, but it might really help to educate yourself about how co-dependency emerges.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2014): Original poster here
Thanks for all the advice, yes all I haven't cherry picked it...it's helped me realise that my husband isn't the alone in his thinking about my daughter and I do need to be a more untied front with him, sadly I think after my awful first marriage I've gotten myself in to battle mode with all men and I put up this huge barrier that no man will ever hurt me or my kids again!! I do realise maybe self esteem therapy is the way forward for myself
But I would like to add to Celtic tiger... How dare you say I favour her or any of them, you don't know me, you don't know them and how they feel....believe me there vocal kids and I would be the first to know if I was unfairly treating any of them...that's how it is in big families ...I've come on here for advice not to be judged....yes I am the one who needs to change this, but my kids are my life!, all of them no one including my husband will ever know what I've gone throw to make there life's safe and happy......there's that big white elephant in the room "mental illness" (her own gp said its a mental imbalance caused from her hormones and has her on medication) cause it's not a illness you can see I shouldn't be allowed to spend more time with her without being judged as someone who doesn't care about all of my children, if she was in hospital with some awful illness would it be ok then to spend time with her....and before you say leaving my husband is not caring about them, I would do this because of the effect it's having on them him not speaking to me and the general atmosphere it causes, believe it or not her behaviour doesn't upset them even half as much as there mother being ignored!
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2014): Wow I think you've been extremely harshly judged by people on here, how can people say you don't care about your children ? SHAME ON YOU PEOPLE!! You can't say that based on what because she paying more attention to one children who needs her mother for what ever reason? Yes her other children need her too but the fact she's trying to please everyone proves her dedication to her family , with regards to her husband he's a big boy he's the adult, as adults we should be the bigger people and realise that she's a child in some pain , I agree with this lady it's not really teaching her a very good message swearing at her and ignoring her & her daughter that's passive aggressive in itself! I strongly think you people haven't had this situation of a mixture of ages & a blended family maybe her daughter didn't see as much as the other children of the violent marriage therefor can't understand as much why her father isn't in her life, yes maybe there's some issues of jealousy toward the new child, seeing it being brought up by her stepdad, has he asked himself would he ignore or berate his own child if she was acting up like this?
You DO need to set boundrys with all children & maybe you should consider a safe guarding internet package that stops them viewing certain things on the home internet ? Sky , BT & talk talk have such packages if they try to view porn or social networking sites they get blocked! You can contact phone providers who also block these sites until the child is 18 .. I think it's right you still care and your not at home letting her get up to all sorts , in my job I have experience of people that age. & trust me that's the age they do start becoming carious of things like sex, drugs smoking and drinking & it is your job to protect her from these things
With regard to her violence in any situation it's completely un- acceptable it sounds like she's a 5 year old having a temper tantrum, it worked the first time for her it caused a huge rift in the family and gave her attention so why wouldn't she do it again? Your her "safe" person she knows your always going to be there for her. & no real harm will come of this. (She lacks the maturity to see it is completely wrong) I suspect that because she's only doing it to you she's in control of it & if she was lashing out to everyone at school , friends etc then you'd have a real long term problem but to me she's an overgrown baby, you need to learn safe ways to defuse the situation, we use safe restraints on angry violent child until the child calms down, and they do.
The long term future for your marriage I don't know? I'm guessing your both not feeling supported you need to connect again , I strongly recommend family. & couple counselling to help you get back on track?
And lastly if the violence wasn't against the children how about trying to contact the father & explain what your going threw ? We find even having one family member from the absent child's life can have a huge positive effect on the child so it could be a grandparent , aunt or uncle of her dad if he doesn't want to be involved ?
You need to pat your own back & be proud that you've survived a violent marriage and you've come out the other side, YOU & your husband have given them this life not just him, the very fact you've said the others are good children proves your doing your best by all of them, trust me when I say I see too many parents letting the school or the state worry about there child.... It's not society's job to raise your child , noayyer how hard things get! eventually in 5 years your look back on this period and see it for what it is a blip! Good luck my dear xx
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reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (31 May 2014):
 Also, in regards to your husband not being blood relations.
You have been married for TEN years. He has been this girls father for that long, and probably the only father she really remembers. He willingly took her on, as a step child (a lot of men wouldn't have), looked after her, cared for her, paid for her growing up. He has given her a nice life.
Do you really think he doesn't care or understand? He is probably worried sick about the effect this is having on the other children - something you don't seem concerned by.
He probably feels hurt, upset, used, belittled, and wondering what on earth he got himself into. He does not deserve this behaviour from a child he willingly chose to give love to.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (31 May 2014):
I think you are being incredibly naïve, and sticking your head in the sand over this.
I also suspect, from your follow up that your daughter has jealousy issues. You say that she is the youngest of your 3 children - is she perhaps resentful of your 7 year old?
Before that child came along she was the "baby" of the family. Probably used to getting her own way, and being treated like a star. Whilst your other child was still a baby, it was most likely a pet for her. She still thought she was top dog in the home. NOW puberty, hormones etc have all kicked in. Suddenly she is being forced to act and behave more like an adult and take responsibility for her actions. She doesn't want that. She still wants to be number 1, pampered, petted and the centre of attention.
Teenagers are ridiculously grumpy, unsocial and rude creatures. They do not want to spend time playing monopoly with their uncool parents, siblings or family. At that age family is tolerated, it is all about friends, social life and boys. Once they get over themselves, teenagers are a far nicer bunch to be around.
Also, I know she is 15, but have you considered that she is growing up? Yes, you need to protect her, but she also needs to develop privacy. Constant monitoring of phones, internet, email etc is an invasion of privacy, and at that age, when personal relationships are so important could actually be making this worse. Sometimes trust is necessary. What kind of things did you get upto at 15? Did you want your parents snooping in you personal life at that age?
I don't think the fact your husband isn't a blood relative has got anything to do with it. As the youngest child, she witnessed less of the turmoil you experienced compared to your older two - they have turned out ok, so why does she have so many issues about "fathers". Logic says it would be the eldest who had more contact with their biological father?
I also agree with Mark - reading your post I would agree with his summing up of her behaviour. Any child who behaved in such an appalling manner in my book is a brat, with some serious behaviour issues who needs some lessons in how to behave properly.
He is the only one who can voice these things to you - most probably no one else is brave enough, and you wouldn't listen anyway. Your daughter is perfect in your eyes and can do no wrong.
With all the information you have given, it really does sound like she is your favourite child, and you would happily put the others through shit to placate your special one. You would sell the rest of them down the river in order to give her what she wants. And that is to be centre of attention.
She misbehaves, creates a fuss, screams shouts and what do you do? Give in, placate her, give her all your attention. She wins.
You and your husband argue. She wins.
You are enabling this behaviour by pandering to her. She knows exactly how you will behave and react. You will run around after her, trying to make it all better, whilst totally forgetting about the rest of your family.
This is NOT doing her any favours. Once she is out in the big wide world as an adult, this type of attention seeking behaviour could get her into real trouble. What if she kicked off at work? Sacked. What if she insulted someone and got punched in the face? What if someone upsets her at school and she gets expelled?
You have to stop the cycle. Call her bluff. She assumes you will always give in. For her own future, you need to sort this out and act like a Mother, NOT a friend.
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male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (31 May 2014):
 My dear OP…You are not off the mark, you are feeling sympathy for some who needs full guidance. If the world was a safer place, and OTHER kids had parents who made sure their kids have respect, I would say let her have more freedom. But who is going to be there with her if she gets raped, drug overdose, to get her out of jail, and so on. The same mother who she is disrespecting now. I am not saying she will do these things, but she needs to keep in mind who she is going to ask for help. I remember one of my son’s friends trying to encourage him to go onto the movie theatre, and open the exit door from inside to let him in…while I was driving both of them to the movies. They were both 15 years old at the time. I told my son with his friend in the car… “I am dropping you off at the front doors, I will be back to pick you up at the front doors. If you follow him and get arrested, call me to let me know you are in jail. I will bring you tooth paste and tooth brush, but that is where you will stay. I will not bail you out, because I did not take you there. I have no sympathy for foolishness.”Your daughter feels she is woman enough to handle herself until the sh*t hits the fan, and she comes crying to you with her new problem. The same problem you were trying to keep her from. I am a big believer in tough love. Yes…kids have to make their own mistakes, but not at your expense.Your husband is feeling like any man would…his position in his home is being threatened, and men will retaliate viciously. I know…I am such a man. I am the parent, and no child shall at any time boss me around, or make demands in my house. I do not swear at my kids, nor am I a violent person, quite the opposite. But my kids no I am dead serious when I say "There is door if you are ready for the world. Good luck."My grandmother raised me from 9 months old…no mother or father…and that was her rule. “I am the parent, and you will at no time become my parent.” And trust me…even today I would not dare mess with her at 83 years old. Let me explain…when a child disrespects his or her parents, he or she will do the same thing in their relationships with their husband or wife. It just keeps on going. Yes she may have had it a little rough at an early age…but those things are to make us stronger for when we have our own kids…to make us better parents. But they do not see what we are trying to teach them. They fight back against it.Love her…but stand your ground. Tell your husband you and your daughter already had one abuser in your life, and don’t need another one. He cannot have a sweet child when acid is coming from his mouth.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2014): Me againThanks for your response, your way off base with me putting her above everyone else, I personally think she has a mental health problem she just needs me the most at the moment.... Luckily for me the other children were 14 and 16 when her behaviour started happening so they'd had a completely normal loving life up to that point...and still do as they know her behaviour isn't right and we are good parents just trying to do right by all of them..I have had long chats with them about her and they think I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place with her, the little one hasn't ever been brought up with aggression of any kind ( my husband and I are against violence on TV, games internet etc) and she needs me also and I do make sure she gets the normal family life she needs which is why under the teenagers therapists guidance I only sweat the big stuff and let the small stuff like slide like refusal to take lunch to school etc for the sake of no arguing and letting her make decisions for herself therefor my children not having to be subjected to fights.. I think unless your in that situation it's easy to judge (like a friend of mine saying I should just give her a darn good hiding... How could I? I adore all my children I couldn't hurt them at any cost) all I can compaiir how I feel about her is like when she ran out in front of a moving car at 5 I caught her and pulled her back to safety...I still have that inner need to protect her (from herself) even now... And also no man I'll ever come before my children any of them, Rightly or wrongly not even my husband
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reader, Mark1978 +, writes (30 May 2014):
Im in a similar situation to your husband in a way OP. My adult brother is aggressive, selfish, goes beserk over the tiniest thing, wants his own way, expects my parents who he lives with to bend over backwards, sulks like a stroppy kid (hes in his 30s) and makes a mess daily for my elderly parents to deal with...My dad, who had a heart attack is stressed so much he is fit to burst his heart, I was until recently on tranquilizers. Mom is a nervous wreck. My brother comes home effing and blinding because someone upset him on the bus or the train was late, he will throw his bag up the wall in a rage as he saw someone else wearing the same shirt as him, he eats us out of house and home...he eats like a lord at my parents expense, while they eat basic food and scraps as he is costing them a fortune. The food is never good enough. He damages the new furniture. Gets hyper and goes through an attention seeking routine one minute, then goes crazy over the silliest thing the next.
Yet all me and my dad get from my mom is "ohh please don't say anything, don't upset him ." My moms attitude is "don't rock the boat".
If my brother did a shit on the carpet my mom would clean it up. If my dad or me dared to speak out my mom would give us dirty looks or say "don't mention it to him" and give us the silent treatment for three days if we refused to shut up and put up.
My brother is like your daughter: they know that one person, ie: you and my mom in these cases, will give in, try to smooth things over and be too willing to accommodate. They know that no matter what they do mom will defend them, or make excuses, or blame themselves or someone else.
Recently my dad, who I remind you has a weak heart, was being treated appallingly by my brother. My brother pushed my dad hard in the chest and had already stressed my dad so, so much. Yet when my dad told him to "F***ing grow up" my mom went mad. She was turning a blind eye to my brothers dreadful behaviour, but complaining that my dad would use bad language to him.
You say your husband calls your daughter a spoilt bitch and a nasty cow, well how would you describe her? To be blunt reading your original post makes her sound pretty bloody vile to you and your family. Maybe you are like my mom: to eager to defend, to willing to take her side or at least want to shut up and put up and get angry when others critiscis? Do I think you are wide of the mark, im sorry but yes I do.
Mark
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reader, RevMick +, writes (30 May 2014):
Hi,
You have looked at the advice and hand picked the bits you wanted to hear. You are still putting one child above the others in terms of your time and effort.
Why does this one with bad behaviour, deserve more care and attention than the other well rounded ones.
I sense, that no matter what our advice, you are going to defend your daughter to the end and to hell with your husband and other children.
That is what I get from your post. Sorry to tell you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2014): Hello I'm the one that posted earlierThanks for your imput, your answers have upset me but maybe it's what I've needed to hear Just wanted to add, she has had boundaries and disapline her whole life it's that what's she is fighting against, she wants to have more freedom ( like being allowed to go out till all hours etc) it's our constant need to know whats she's doing and monitoring her internet, phone use etc that causes these things but we have to protect her as she's only 15, my other 3 children are extremely well rounded, happy normal kids I have a 18 year old boy a 16 year old girl, her whos 15 and my daughter with my husband who's 7 she's the only one we have problems with, because of her behaviour I make sure I have date nights with the others and we play card games and monopoly (things she wouldn't want to do as she thinks anything that's not internet based is lame..I've tried involving her) Because my husband isn't her blood relative he can't see what turmoil she's going threw with father issues also, he calls her names like spoilt bitch and nasty cow etc he once told her to f-off I was horrified.... Instead of hating me I Want support from him not a constant critical eye telling me I'm doing a crap Job...am I really off the mark that badly?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2014): I'm a 46 year old mother of a 26 year old and I grew up in a family similar to the one you describe. My elder sister behaved like your daughter and it totally derailed our whole family, tore it apart.I completely agree with SageOldGuy on this one - your daughter is engaging in this behaviour to try to control everything and she is totally succeeding in controlling you emotionally. The violence that you speak of is totally unacceptable and yet you are accepting it. The very, very best thing you can do is unite with your husband on this. There is no way that you can behave perfectly in a situation like this but you must operate as a team at all costs. Behaviour like this NEEDS very firm and consistent boundaries and you MUST demonstrate that there will be consequences to her violence. She needs tough love. As soon as she senses ANY emotional weakness she will keep playing into that, and this is what she is doing. Underlying all of this behaviour will be huge, enormous fear of abandonment. She is terrified of growing up. But the very best you can do is remain absolutely consistent. I'd also get professional counselling for yourself. It would be a terrible mistake to leave your husband, your other children would definitely suffer and so would you. It seems it is YOU that she is testing, and somewhere along the line she has not received the mothering that she needs - she fears leaving you and fears being abandoned by you as a result, so she is doing anything and everything to ensure that you stay bonded to her. Please don't let her violence overtake everything. She must be shown that she cannot remain in the household if she behaves in this way, it will destroy everything. Even if you do leave your husband it won't help anything in the long run. She needs very clear boundaries and stability from you both.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2014): Personally think it's better that a mother puts a child & there emotional needs before a man, to many men neglet there children for there husbands, you need to heal your kids first worry about men later
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (30 May 2014):
 Let me re-state your "problem" as I - and some of the other respondents - see things...... To wit:
"When my daughter got to age 13, she became very bratty.... predictably, how a 13-year-old acts. When that happened, I abdicated my parent role, and tried to figure out if there was some way we could get through things WITHOUT any sort of uncomfortable confrontations. My hubby, on the other hand, preferred that we take a sterner role, acting as parents.... and put - and keep - her in the place where a CHILD belongs when he/she is subject to his/her parents' discipline. NOW, the chickens have come home to roost. Hubby and I are in turmoil.... and - lacking parental guidance - this 13 year old continues to dictate the agenda in and for our home."
Do I have that correctly? If "yes," then listen more to your Hubby, and set your daughter straight as to just WHO is "in control" in your home..... If YOU find it difficult, then assign this child's discipline to your Hubby, and back him in every way, at every turn....
Good luck...
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reader, BrownWolf +, writes (30 May 2014):
First of all…Your daughter is not breaking your family apart…You are! Yes that’s right you are breaking your family apart. I know you may want to hear some sweet words like “How could she do this to you.” But the fact is, if the parents have not discipline, or set rules for their children, this is what happens. Mothers of all people in this world should NEVER take sh*t from their children….EVER!!! Let me explain why…You carried her for 9 months. Who knows what you went through for those nine months? Weight gain, pains, aches, and so on. You were there when she was sick, stayed up late if she got up for night feedings. Change her diapers, laundry, buy her clothes, and making sure she had food. You took abuse for her, and did whatever you could to keep her safe. You have made all the sacrifices needed…Only to turn around and let her disrespect you in your home. So you went from being abused by the father, to now being abused by your daughter.When my son was 14 and daughter 13, I made it very clear when I saw the changes in them. Under no circumstances will they rule me or disrespect me in my house. I told them both “I love you, but I will help you pack. If you don’t like living here and you think the world is a better place, get out.” If my kids EVER hit me or their mother who brought them into this world…I will be going to jail. Yes it sounds hard to parents who do not believe in discipline, but no child should EVER raise their hands to the people who allowed them to live, because if it was not for the love of their parents they would not be here.Children will never be able to pay back what their parents have done for them. So respecting them is the lease they could do.I would have called the police and have her arrested. And there are those would say “I could never do that to my child.” But as a parent, I could never allow my children to abuse me. Abusive pass or not, disrespect is the same as abuse when it comes from your child.
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reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (30 May 2014):
I wanted to add something else to my original post.
If you did go down the divorce/separation route, be aware that your other children may actually want to stay with their father.
If they feel that you don't care enough about them, they may not want to stay with you and the troubled sister.
Your husband would also have a good case for any custody issues, as he could argue that staying with you and your daughter could be detrimental to their wellbeing.
Think about the bigger picture.
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reader, Mark1978 +, writes (30 May 2014):
You need to take back control.
My brother is 33 and he's the same: lives with my parents who try their best only to be treated like dirt, hurt, used and abused. My dad has heart trouble and doesn't need the stress. yet my mother tries too hard to help my brother, she puts my brother ahead of everyone else. Our whole life revolved round my brother. Dad would have thrown him out years ago, I want nothing more to do with him, but my mom makes it clear we should not rock the boat, keep treading on eggshells and all of that.
I do agree with your husband in many ways that this is now black and white. Your daughter needs to change or leave. This is not fair on you, your husband or your other kids. Theres no point having everyone else leave and you keeping your relationship with your daughter. She is clearly troubled, obnoxious and full of hate for whatever reason. My brother is the same. No reasoning with him, no sensible discussion...he is out of control and killing my parents. If you don't take back control you will be it the same boat.
Your likely to end up loosing a husband, hurting your other children and spending a lifetime being treated like shit. I cannot give a specific answer, but you must regain control and re-prioritise.
Mark
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reader, RevMick +, writes (30 May 2014):
Hi,I can't possibly imagine what you are going through and I'm sorry that your family is falling apart. I have counseled several children who have come from an abusive home and have either gotten themselves into an abusive relationship, or like your daughter become the abuser.I would caution, letting her ruin your marriage. As eventually if she comes out of it, she will begin to hate herself for causing it.I unfortunately can see it from your husband's point of view. He has seen your daughter kick you, punch you and only knows what else. You wouldn't let someone in the street do that to you, and why should your flesh and blood.I would personally see about a youth program that gets her the help she needs. Going to therapy once a week or twice a week will never break her from this. It may be a case of a stay in I hate to mention it, but an institution. Something like a recovery program (not mental hospital) which is where everyone's mind goes when someone mentions institution.If you lost this man, I sense you and your family would be heartbroken and it isn't fair to do that to yourself or your children.Hope that is of atleast some help.
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reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (30 May 2014):
I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you, and I don't know how much advice I can actually give.
What I can do is offer an opinion on what you have written.
It appears that you are willing to put your daughter before everyone else in the family.
Your husband, your other children and yourself. She comes first in all of this, and stuff the emotional stress that is being suffered by everyone else.
You may be prepared to take all the crap she is throwing at you - and the physical abuse. Particularly the kicking in the stomach after the operation - that *could* have caused internal rupturing if stitches were new and you *could* have been in a lot of trouble, even died.
You say that you are considering leaving him, or him you. Where does that leave your other children? How is that fair on them? All because they have a selfish sibling who needs help?
It may feel to them that you care more about her - because all your decisions are based around her.
I have two cousins who are adopted. Sisters, who have the same mother but different fathers. As they have grown up, you can really see the difference in personality - one very much takes after her biological father (violent, rude, irresponsible), the other shows none of these character traits. Even now, she is still off the rails, got pregnant at 15, ran off and married a soldier, drugs, goodness knows what else. My Aunt and Uncle jumped through so many hoops, and were put through so much crap because of her behaviour. Constantly cleaning up after her stupid decisions and mess. It was not fair on them at all, and the more well balanced sibling lost out a lot.
Don't let your other kids suffer because of her. They will resent you and HER later in life.
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